Wearied

From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver

Phil 3:10   ¹⁰ I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,

Yes. We agree with the apostle. We'd like to know Jesus better, to be on good terms with Him. Absolutely! Who wouldn't want the Lord's power in his or her life?
"All I care for is...to share in His sufferings." Uh, sure. I guess tough times in moderate doses isn't all that bad; we all need a good soul scrubbing now and then.
"All I care for is....growing conformity with death." Wait a minute, not so fast. Like, martyrdom? Chronic pain? Rejection and abuse? I really don't care to know Christ that badly, we silently admit to ourselves.
We would love to have faith and strength of character. We yearn to live that nobly [as Paul], fight our vices that manfully. And who wouldn't want prayers answered like Paul?
But to know Christ is always a personal invitation to suffer with Christ.....the sweetness of communion with Christ far, far outweighs the suffering.

My pain, my physical pain, is generally under control now. There were times (and will be again, likely) where I could not think straight for the pain. Nothing, not even my own thoughts, could break through the wall of pain. Occasionally the best I could do to break through was to prop my Bible just so and read. The Words could wrench open sealed doors of pain and speak comfort to me.
I would not wish RA on anyone. I would not pick RA for myself. But I can say I have loved the sweet time I have had with God. I have talked about God more the last seven months of my illness than probably any other time. Nearly every day is a day I am speaking to another member of the family about God, what I learned, saw, thought, discovered...my Journey Notebook is filled with such things. How wonderfully sweet to have God revealing Himself to me in my pain.
The other day I was struck by the fact that Jesus sat at the Sumarian well because He was WEARIED by His journey. It was fascinating to me. Of course He could be tired. He was man. He had walked all day in the likely hot sun. But to feature God wearied just amazed me...and made me feel like He understands when I am so exhausted from my disease that my body is shaking. He knows! Somehow it fit better than the idea of suffering on the cross.
The suffering on the cross always makes me think that it was far far far far worse than anything any man would endure. There is a song that speaks of the darkness in the middle of the day, as if no one were allowed to see what was happening to Jesus---as if every sickness, sin etc., from every era and man were being placed on Him. Which is was...so I imagine it really was a worse crucifixion than any other.
Having God near me, knowing He is there, makes RA bearable. I don't know how anyone takes things like this without faith, without knowing their Father is there, upholding them. It is just so amazing to me that God is with me, loves me. Even with all the mistakes I make and will make....He values me.