RA Post: Curses and Blessings

I find now, after nearly two years of RA, dropping the wretched Prednisone weight (boy, feed that stuff to anorexics. They'll eat the curtains with the "starving" feeling of Pred!) slowly day by day..that good days with RA are a blessing and a curse, as Monk said in his TV series.
Good days are something ever RA sufferer dreams about, mourns after with many tears if a cold is caught or some other illness that stops therapy, assuring a halt in likely "good" days. 
Good days are also something that, as the Disease rears its ugly, mutilated head and drips poison over and takes hold of our bodies, we cry desperately as good days slip from our fingers. Those good, golden, marvelous, wonderful days can slip from our grasp in mere minutes---and there is nothing we can do about it. 
Medicine fools you. I studied RA. I studied many diseases; especially diabetes and heart diseases. In those diseases there is often a good, solid treatment plan. Diet, exercise, medication coverage. A person lives a fairly "normal" life. Admittedly, there are those called "brittle" in the diabetic world. Those patients have very little, if any, control over their disease. 
I suspected for the last five-six years that I had RA. I went to my provider, we did testing. Sero-negative, as I am now. No markers shouting to the world I have a crippling disease. Well, aspirin worked on the pain; the pain was mild and generally not noticeable. Stressful days at work started to bring it out more...blood tests again. No luck. Maybe if I could have started therapy then. 
Regardless, RA medicine talk in the textbooks are misleading. Take this. Do that. Patient will be under control with proper disease education. Ha! Lies. There are too many variables, too many times the patient has to stop medication therapy: insurance will not cover (I figure if the doctor ordered it, the patient should get it), cold/infection, weird blood results, etc.,etc. 

Good days are a curse and a blessing. A blessing to live life, to feel what life once was. A curse because lurking behind you crouches a Disease just waiting to smother you once more.

Man's Only End

Man's only end is despair. 

Regarding humankind I do not know if I have found a more fitting description of Man. Our only end.is despair. The luckiest of us have little that happens to cause anguish, yet if any of those answered honestly, they would answer and speak of despair. 

This is because we have only one end when we are alone, when we are missing a Piece of ourselves that we only end in despair.

Tonight I faced worse RA sickness than I have in some weeks. I knew my RA was building, although I can't even say how. I went to sleep knowing that the next day (yesterday) was to be a day of worse illness. 
I was again on the couch in misery as I have been many other times. It came vaguely to my mind that to be this ill is to despair, to feel uselessness, to feel the destruction of oneself. To feel this ill is to sit and wish death as an escape of sickness. (Fear not! I am not suicidal.) To be at an end which is despair. 

Then, as I read for the hundredth time Joni, I came across her mentioning of this phrase. At the time she was facing anew the knowledge of the permanence of her paralysis--- and facing a time of shunning God (to an extent) as she read "enlightened" authors trying to make sense and use of her accident. 
No matter who we are and what we face, we have a drive to be useful. We had it set in us at creation to care for the animals and garden...and be in constant communication with God. Without God, man's end is despair. 
Without God, without honoring God with what we accomplish daily, the world is despair, no matter how bright. With God, the world becomes as if we switched from black and white films to the movie Avatar, suddenly bright with colors and overwhelming views. 

Psalms 19 is amazing. It speaks of Creation literally shouting out the glory of God, even without being able to speak. That wonder, that amazingness, is what makes our life no longer one of despair. For if broken creation shouts still of His majesty, how much more will we speak and shout of it when He fills in the gaping chasm in our being?

We may face terrible illness, saddening beyond belief situations, and other trials big and small. With God, our life is not despair. God gives us a more fulfilling, despairless, fearless, wonderful alive life in Him than we would ever think to be able to create. After all, He never changes. We change daily. How could we ever manage to get away from despair when our moment to moment choices end in destruction?

Life in God

4But he answered,  “It is written,  “‘ Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” Matt 4.4

I have read and heard this verse many times in my life. Indeed, it always meant a fair amount---of course we need the Word of God to live on. Basic, check, done. 

Such a verse takes on a new depth when facing trials, especially one creating the need for increased sleep, limitations on energy expenditures, nausea. Then the verse shouts like an entire choir at full voice. Life is only from the Word of God. 

After all, the Words of God brought into being all about us. As one professor stated in anatomy and physiology class: all life comes from life. God's Words are life, thus we come from words. 

The most alive I have felt physically is dull in comparison with the alive feeling I have had with the experience of the Word and His Spirit with me. Truly life is not that which we call living: education, furthering careers, family, friends. Such things are important, but they are a side function of life...a comparison of putting lotion on the skin versus breathing. Life is God, the Word, the Spirit. He alone gives the real "live" life. 

God's Self is the medication that soothes away all hardship. Immersion in Him erases the hard times we face, as His love pours out over us as a bullet proof, bomb proof shell against the world. The hardship may still sting, but we, by the grace and glory of God stand against it all. We then see that this life is fleeting and that the life in God is beyond description, lasting to infinity and not only to the grave. So long as we look to God as our God, our life, and do not look to our trouble as a god, a life, shall we persevere. Life is found only in God. And what a life of living is life in God.

Growing Out Of It

Human character is not constant because the traits of qualities that constitute it are unstable. These come and go, burn low or glow with great intensity throughout our lives. 
---The Knowledge of the Holy, A.W. Tozer

We say all the time about children that "they will grow out of it." Some phase or another will be left behind---the Terrible Twos, Troublesome Threes, Fearsome Fours. They'll grow out of it. 
We change so quickly, even as adults. Anyone I have asked will say that what they thought or did three or four years earlier they now look back at and cringe as they realize the stupidity of the thoughts or actions. Change is a way of life.

How much better it is to know that God, in His perfection, never changes or alters. He is so perfect in His love, grace, mercy, joy and everything else you might list that He never need change. What a fascinating thought. 

It is not without being "raised" that children understand that the actions and mannerisms they act out are inappropriate, unkind, sinful behaviors. It is an apparent sociological issue that many children today are not taught right or wrong, seemingly leading to an increase in other sociological issues. 

Is it any surprise then that we face trials in life, trials to remove the harshness of our being? The most incredible people I have met, who seem as near to perfection as one might be here on earth, are those who are elderly and have been Christians for 60+ years. I have indeed met people younger who also had a great presence about them, ---but the ones with the longest walks are truly blessings to know, and have great wisdom to impart. 

We are given a great gift of salvation. With that gift we can face trials and persecution with the strength of God, simply by asking. However, we will face many trials in life. I cannot say that I exactly understand trials...my current opinion honestly is that the world is so sinful that the sin is rotting the world about us. We can't help but face trials from all of the exudate coming from the wounds of the world. Another is if we make the choice to actively sin, finding "loopholes" in Scripture that do not exist, or out-and-out refusing to obey.
 
Yet the facing of trials, however they come about, shapes us just as much as the raising of children. We can utilize the trial by leaning on God, obeying God, learning more about Him, working to honor and glorify Him and have "life" through the trial...or, like some children, we can bash our heads into the floor because we are being set in time out for sticking our fingers in the light socket.  We can chose life with God, or we can chose a death-life with sin. We can grow from infants in Christ to maturity in Heaven with Christ...or we can stay sinful infant godlets forever.

Right Here and Now

To our questions God has provided answers; not all the answers, certainly, but enough to satisfy our intellects and ravish our hearts. These answers He has provided in nature, in the Scriptures, and in the person of His Son. ----The Knowledge of the Holy, A.W. Tozer

To know who God is becomes a burning question, one that is fed with each new revelation discovered about Him. Truly, the answers we see in the glories of creation (as listed in the Psalms), Scriptures and most assuredly in His Son give us an ideal glimpse at who He is. Time spent on this subject furthers discoveries of different aspects of who He is, and is indeed the most worthwhile life-career to be imagined.

While Tozer is speaking on knowing who God is, I think that we can also take this quote in another way--answers in living. I still have a great desire to live a "normal" life, assuming such a thing exists, but to do the things I see others do. I am not one to sit and be quiet for hour after hour.  I want to work and honor God with the job I might do as a nurse, mother or what-may-be.
Yet here I am, with even more limited energy than I had as a teenager. What then should I do? 

Looking to God has many answers, including that looking to God IS the most important, life-altering activity we could ever hope of achieving. Looking to God changes our hearts, minds and souls into a different person--one even more driven to look to God. 

The never-to-be-completed search to know more about God is an amazing, wondrous journey. He alone can give us life--in heaven and here on Earth. I think often that no matter how limited I may be physically, it is He alone that gives life, gives us the love, grace, hope and so many other things that makes life alive.  Life without His presence is dead, no better than being buried.

 I forget quite often, especially if depression threatens, that this is the most important job I could ever have. My job, like all of us, is to love and honor God, obey Him. That job is the main employment, with other jobs being in second place. 
 We tell ourselves (and each other!) that we must meet a long list of things---even to be a "christian". We must do this, we must do that. We run ourselves silly in never ending circles of near destruction trying to prove or meet expectations. 
 Nature, Scripture, the Son, Father and Spirit indeed answer questions---if we do not know what to do with out lives, the answer is fairly "easy"...to love God with all our hearts, all our minds, and all our souls. To love others. To obey the Lord.
Another way of putting it is this: As I proofread my post, I noted the "I want to work and honor God with the job I might do as a nurse, mother or what-have-you" quote. I am in the apparent "what-have-you" time of my life. This is the third part, so my work is to honor God right here and now, regardless of my abilities.  

Serving the Lord with Disabilities

My dear pastor was speaking on Acts 4. 1-16 and a bit in Ephesians that the reference escapes me. 
These sections were on the body, the church--what it is. That we are part of the body the moment we accept. After all, we will all be in Paradise together. 
The part of the sermon that caught my attention was service in or outside the church. For instance being involved in children's ministry or being a missionary and the vast spectrum between that can have each of us as a witness to others. Of course I include jobs and day to day things as part of that. 
Now there is me. Especially since I am restarting the immune suppression meds, my RA will likely flare, leading me to much more illness and pain. At that point I am quite unable to do much of anything, regardless of my irritation at being quiet. 
Thus is the question. What then are those who are bed bound, limited in mobility or otherwise facing mild or severe disabilities to do as a witness in and out of the body? Few would or could medically be missionaries. Few would or could do a great many things. Joni Earicksson Tada herself writes about fighting her mind against being able to continue speaking when in pain. It seems like a great problem. 
Then we might think of Moses. Commissioned by God Himself to go speak to Pharoah, Moses claimed.his disability in speech as reason for not being chosen. God was extraordinarily gracious, all things considered....He, as I recall, told Moses not to fear, He would be with him. Nope. Not enough. (Just as we say constantly). Finally, his brother was made the speaking piece. Some of the honor was lost for Moses then, but that great honor followed through Aaron's line of priests. 
We all use our disability to not do something. We refuse to teach Sunday school, or we do this or that. Now, add the quandary.of me. I cannot reliably do things, especially with stopping meds. I get stupid when my RA fever starts...i fall asleep on a chair. What service might I do? 
Mine, as the only outreach I can do, is this blog. I would do more, but every attempt leads to worse illness. So this is it.
We may feel limited in what service we offer out because of disability, be it paralysis or anxiety. We avoid things. Sometimes I think we must simply push through, as I pushed through anxiety to go to college. Other times we may find that we offer an outreach simply by being available for others to speak to. Each of us was indeed given a gift...and we can use that gift. Mine has always been compassion, empathy and sympathy. It comes easy, mostly, for me to use them. I want to. What strengths do you have and love to use? Use them as you are around people. Doesn't mean you have to write a blog, or travel to a far away place. Use it today on family, friends and coworkers. Do for the glory and honor of God. There's nothing quite like the warmth of pleasing the Lord. In other words...just honestly try to please Him. Things will fall into place for you to bring glory to God in my experience. Even if means thanking a caregiver graciously for all they do. 

Horribly Disgusting

Many of our prayers are horribly, disgustingly selfish. I know from reading past prayer journals that mine make me want to burn the journals and hide under a blanket. I said that, to the King?! I keep them as a reminder against those selfish pleas. 
We ask for this, we ask for that---even the things we may ask for in honor of others can read selfishly horrid. Many times those wishes still sound as though they might better our lives. We may never once have asked God what we could do for Him. We may not have expounded on how we love Him. 
Now that is not to say He does not hear our prayers---Joni Tada says that "A heartfelt plea for help carries with it no desire to control the way the Lord deals with you. Rather, such a prayer implies you've cast yourself on the Lord's mercy with no hint of impure motive." Those prayers where we are literally on the ground, crying out for help, without adding addendums to them are the best prayers---the best I have experienced. Those prayers are the ones that you can feel His great love poured out on you, His hand caressing your face as a beloved child's face is caressed. He says at that moment that He is indeed present, He indeed cares, He indeed loves. 
We may still face harsh things in the world---consider the apostles who died. Yet better than that is the fact that what is more important has been protected. Our spirit is safely, lovingly, loyally and strongly protected by His gift.

No Matter

Often we twist God’s arm for the “reasons why” before we decide to trust Him with our circumstances. We want the blueprint spread before us. But the bruised and battered apostle Paul who probably had every reason to wonder “why,” never said, “I know why all these things are happening.” Rather, he said, “I know in whom I have believed.” The love of Christ was enough. Joni E. Tada, Diamonds in the Dust

I imagine that we will see in Heaven the amount of times our prayers were answered---even if it was subtle or not what we intended. I wonder in my own life how many of my prayers have been answered, likely in a way I did not expect or did not notice. I have heard that if one journals their prayers, one sees answers more than before. 
The reason for this vein in writing today is that I prayed last night, asking in my confusion what I was supposed to do right now...I was a nurse, just tried to get into volunteering and now am slowly getting sicker because of the newest infection. What am I to do now, when what I thought was my lot is apparently not? 
Of course I know the real answer, that all that matters is God, His holiness, His love. But we forget that so easily...just as I forgot it last night--or even the last few days! 
Yet I asked a question and half an hour later I picked up my book and found first off the passage I shared. Indeed a quick and loving reminder as to what is important and that little else matters. Whether or not I work as a nurse, have a clean home or any of the other things that bother me (although being sick is a bit harder to take) simply do not matter. The love of Christ is enough. 

RA Post: Quickly Gone

I am quickly getting ill again. I've at least lost five pounds, as eating makes me feel even worse. I am almost to home territory in weight...so that is nice. Prednisone weight is the worst to drop. 
Will try and write. My posting has been dismal. Hopefully later today. 

RA Post: maybe

I had contacted a local pregnancy center to try volunteering as an rn...but another infection means I have to stop my injections.  So just reaching a level of life after waiting for my wonderful insurance company to 're authorize enbrel, and I am at square one. 
So maybe in another month and a half. My goal is 2 hours a month, since I need a driver. And honestly I don't imagine that it will work until summer, when the weather stops changing every five minutes...
I wept for a couple of hours the evening after I had confirmation of an infection. I am so tired of being so sick, unable to do the things I did. For goodness sakes, I put up hay, cleaned seven horse stalls, rode horses for hours, took care of milk animals, and other livestock, cleaned houses, cooked and preserved food...helped butcher a 1200 lbs bull...fought my way through rn school, and then worked sometimes 60 hours a week. To be this limited, seen as lazy, is a knife to the heart. I want to live. I want to run my house, run a garden, work, see people...but somehow,........somehow I am seen as a liar. I feel seen as someone who is posing. Trying to take advantage maybe of others. The other day I was accused of being a "welfare" lady. 
Any pride I had in myself and what I could do is driven from me. People see me on a "good" day and sometimes figure I am indeed lazy....as many with invisible diseases will attest. No one but my family sees me on my worst days, the days I go without eating and force fluids. A great diet technique, but not the most healthy. 
I want to live. I drew in my journal the other day a picture of myself in prison. For I am in prison, being tormented by my own body. I am in prison, being tormented by missing out on the many things others normally do. I am in prison...

While I firmly believe God has a use for my prison term, my cell in this house, in bed with a thin blanket to cover when fever chills hit, I sometimes still despair. I am but a weak human, and without God's great strength and glory I would be utterly destroyed. Physically I may be in a prison. And at times I may let my heart be crushed by that imprisonment---but truly I am indeed free by the grace of God, even if the rest of my earthly life is spent being tormented by my body and the ever-invading torture of jealousy at those who do get to live. Pride may be dead, but jealousy is my enemy; one to be ignored viciously.

All glory, honor and power be to the Lord our God; let us indeed praise His holy Name throughout all eternity. Come also, Lord, save us from this broken world. 

The Spirit

We dwell often upon the love of God the Father. It is the subject of our daily and constant thought. We dwell often upon the love of Jesus Christ the Son. Who would think of calling himself a Christian who passed a day without meditating on the love of his Saviour, but how often have we meditated upon “ the love of the Spirit ”?----R.A. Torres

While I think there can be a risk of separation beyond an honorable level of separation between the three Persons , it is intriguing to me that I have not often thought of the Spirit on His own. The Father, yes, the Son, yes...and while I greatly adore the Spirit and His presence, I have not had much single minded pondering of the Spirit. Just the Spirit and what His actions are as listed in the Word. He is, after all, a great guidance as we walk in life...our true experience of having God at our side.
Torrey adds another point in that the Spirit is not for our use; that is, we are not controlling Him to our whims. Further, how fortunate we are that there is not a Deity who is willing to be put under our command.
If one would consider the acts of those who tamper about with demonic forces, I would hazard to point out that I do not think the person is in control at all. If one messes with such risky behavior, I imagine it might seem like the person is in control of the demonic presence but I think that is misleading---the demon is tricking the person. Consider the forces who entered those in the Word, or caused the destruction of the herd of pigs. Not a controlled spirit.
Thankfully, as a side note, we can by words or prayers, keep such things at bay from ourselves, but that is not our power but the King's.
So then, consider the Spirit, the wonderful leadership He affords us (assuming we listen!), the depths of His comfort and love. I honestly cannot describe nor count the times He has comforted me in my illness---neither can I the other times in my life. Such a Presence is a gift, but something we must reach for---as in any relationship. Thankfully His relationship is steadier than any other.

Well Done!

The are many places in the Word which bring tears of joy to my eyes (and heart!). Psalms, various passages flitting all across those pages. Glorious words that bring healing! As a side note, I adore the verses that speak on the Word healing the heart and soul. That sort of healing we tend to ignore as we search for physical healing---but the sound heart and soul is worth much more, and something we take with us, as the saying goes.
The words I have in mind today are those words Jesus speaks to us: "Well done, my good and faithful servant!"
Incredible. To have the King of Kings, Lord of Lords and Creator of all about us be aware and know what we have faced in our 'mortal' life, know so well what we fought, and then give us the honor and praise of a "well done!"
Perhaps it might seem (though not to me) like not enough for facing the horrors of the world, the constant spiritual battles, physical and emotional battles that roam about us. Then again, consider the source, even without His titles (of which I barely mentioned any!). This is the Person who was willing to take the eons of hellish punishment for me and the reader and the countless others who have taken His Gift but have sinned. (Sadly, that is all of us). This is the Person who was shunned by God in our stead. To be told "Well Done!"is extraordinary, incredible, indescribable praise. 
So, with whatever we face on this day, let us remember to face it in honor of Him...for He is very aware of what we are facing. Why we are facing it at this very moment I cannot say anymore than I understand my RA flying off the handle in one night. Perhaps I am supposed to write this blog...but all to the glory and honor of the Lord who was, and is, and is to come. (And come soon, dear Lord!)

Apologies

I apologize for not posting as much as I sometimes do. I am either out of it, or the internet is not working when I am alert. 
I will try to write a longer message with a reading tomorrow. Technically later today. 

Pavement

I still can't believe how exhausting pain is. Today was last patch day for my slow release pain medication skin patch (which has the odd warning against chewing it like gum). Last-pain-patch-day is horrible nine times out of ten. My pain is often out of control, I cannot think or comprehend what people are saying or want of me. Everything is extremely irritating and irrelevant. The house is on fire? Oh. Can you please kill all the smoke alarms? 
I cannot stay awake. All attempts leave me more ill and asleep in a chair at the kitchen table...or glaring angrily at all about me as I slump over myself. 

At the moment, four hours after a new patch, I am revelling in the release of mind numbing pain and fever. Life is literally pouring through my veins and synapses rather than the thick sludge of horror earlier. I had the first conversation with my poor husband of the day that was more that nodding or saying "yes, no, ok, or nothing" to his requests to assist me. A good long conversation with him is something I also revel in, because there are so many days I can't. I just don't even understand what is going on. 

I used to be quite proud of my brains. I might not have gotten perfect grades due to poor testing skills, but the information was well soldered into my brain. I recall now the verse on not being proud of human knowledge, for human wisdom is foolishness. Now I cannot be proud of my knowledge and brains, because they fail me on a weekly basis. Simple things do not make sense, as my brain is overwhelmed by pain signals and fevers. 
I often think of Paul, who asked God to remove the pain from his side...and it was to be the thing which keeps him from becoming conceited. 

Many troubles I have had. Many sorrows. Yet, like all of us, I managed to be proud of certain achievements---most of which are useless in the Kingdom. I think now that I am given my illness so as to have what pride I have left whittled away. Pride is the god which led us to decide to be our own little godletts. It is the mastermind to lead us away from God. 

Suffering is indeed not fair, fun or enjoyable. I for one have many days where I do not see how I might stand a lifetime of this disease and the likely conditions it will cause. Yet I have gotten to increase my knowledge of God many times over---something I had wanted to do but had not the "time". I have made many dear friends who face the same trials of disease and despair as myself. 

Suffering changes us, makes us leave behind the things of earth and onto things of greater importance. A joke I heard the other day is a good example for our focusing on godly things rather than humanly things:
"A man who was very wealthy was very disturbed at the idea of not being able to take his wealth with him. So he discussed the matter with God. Gid, after debating, agreed that just this once someone could indeed bring his wealth with him. The man spent the rest of his time gathering and changing money he earned into gold. In time, the man died and stood before the pearly gates with his bag of gold. Peter looked at him and the bag and was about to object when the man said he was allowed to bring the bag with him into heaven. Peter looked into the bag, and said: Alright....but why did you bring pavement stones?"

So.you see....the things we see as so important here really are very useless for us in the future. We should dwell on things of heaven, not things of human. We must take our sufferings and use them as a tool to remember God, and see.the good things that do happen because of them. 
Glory to God, peace to us all. 

A Trial is a Trial

I was reading Louisa May Alcott's "Little Women" the other day, and was reminded again of all the differing degrees of trials. If you recall, the opening portion of the book shows what each girl finds to be the most difficult in her life---and really, those same things tend to follow them throughout the book by only shifting focus slightly. 
Now, when one reads the book the little trials seem innocuous enough, yet that is the thing to consider. Numerous trials that others face may indeed look "easy", but there is a reason we call trials trials. 
We should consider our fellows when they reveal trials they face. It may seem like it is laughingly easy---but a trial is a trial.

RA Post: Normal Sleep

I sleep a lot. Days on end. I've got to say normal sleep is amazing. Most of my sleeping is a disjointed, deeply fevered sleep---sleeping with the flu type sleep. 
I've gotten to have two nights of plain, boring, ordinary sleep. Much more refreshing than the other kind with its weird dreams and waking up either freezing with chill or burning up with fever. 

Trials Won

C.H. Spurgeon has an interesting discussion.  In discussing people who love God in His unchanging manner have some following points: "First, thy are sons of God's election...God's elect are here meant by "the sons of Jacob"----those whom He foreknew and foreordained to everlasting salvation. By "the sons of Jacob" are meant, in the second place, persons who enjoy peculiar rights and titles."
He contineus that Jacob did not deserve the birthrights he "managed" to get, peculiar manifestations (experiences of/with/in God)...and "then again, they are men of peculiar trials...never was a man more tried than Jacob, all through one sin of cheating his brother.

We are sons of God; adopted into His great family, although we certainly did not deserve the adoption. The adoption cost was astronomical. 
So we are extrodinarily bblessed to be adopted and given the titles of sons of God with the greatest gift to ever grace the planet. 

Think of your greatest experience with God. I have one, amazing moment that still makes me cry, a moment that astounds me. I had a moment so incredible that it changed my life steadily for five years---and when brought to mind still will massively changes my mind and actions. Someday I will share it. I most definitely classify that as one of several peculiar manifestations. We get the chance to feel glimpses of what our lives will really be like--what our lives were meant to be---with these manifestations; the life we would hav had with God in the Garden and will yet have. 
I do not know that our trials are more or less than those who do not believe. I might go as far as to say yes in the sense we are more aware of spiritual battles. It would seem to me to be more "fun" to torment those who are deeply connected to God. 

Note that Spurgeon also says, quoting verses, "men ofpeculiar trials 'are not consummed'". Any trial we face can be won, because the worst of all trials--death---has already been won, and He holds the keys of Hades. Our trials are soon already won completely. 

Interference or Ideal

To most people God is an interference, not a reality...others do not go even so far as this; they know of Him only by heresay...To many others God is but an ideal, another name for goodness, or beauty or truth.
~ Pursuit of God. A.W. Tower

Whenever we want to break off, be our own little gods, we have interference. Something strongly urges us against walking down one pathway...yet we choose the one on the left rather than the right.
Whatever it is sounds so delectable. It may be something that will be a "one time" thing in our little thoughts, speeding the car or what have you, but we all know that one little time is rarely one little time. Or, even a long term sin-lust lingers tantalizing before our fingers. 
His so-called interference, is, in all reality, a saving factor. If you read the Old Testament laws and debate on them, there is often a reason. I consider the anti-anti-shellfish law, for instance, to have the points of avoiding eating a scavenger who may be invested, avoiding the notorious red tides, (I have not verified they occur in the Mediterranean, but I assume), and how quickly shellfish spoil. Honestly a possibility of three illness causing issues, some which might lead to death. Interference is often a very good thing. 
I do consider all things of goodness and beauty and truth to be God, since so many of those things are listed in praise of Him. He is an ideal, but Someone so worthy of worship. 
Before RA I most felt close to God outside in my favorite places about this small farm. I could bask more easily in wonder that all about me had been created by God. With RA, while that same scenario remains so true, I see God in many smaller things. I can have days of trembling in thankfulness that things are going better healthwise. I am very grateful for air conditioning to ease my fevers. 
I will never forget either the number of times with one cry to Him how He comes to comfort. 

RA Post: Massive Over-Do

On Saturday I certainly lived. I went to the thrift store and library and brought home way too many books. It is this thing, you see, in our family to collect books by the truckload. I expect to be killed by a tower of books. 
Then a dear friend visited and the evening finished with my RA+ sister visiting. 

I was very miserable Sunday---so exhausted. Just plain ill by evening. 
So, dear nurse-self, remember to care for yourself!

Just a Taste Either Way

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flows into our own lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 
2 Cor 1.3-5

We get a taste of the true suffering we would receive without the price being paid----and a taste of heaven by the comfort we get from our Father. 

Secrets of the Heart

There are still moments, especially when RA symptoms recede to an annoying on-hold song, that I forget I have it. Glorious moments of escape----shopping at a local thrift store, laughing uproariously at the stories my husband finds on the radio and internet. 
Then...as the joy of the moment leaks away, and the on-hold song turns into something more annoying: increased pain in the knees, the dreaded ache of the TMJ being filled with angry RA crazed cells that undoubtedly cause a severe migraine lasting days. A flare sends me into near coma-nauseated stupidity.
A crash from joy into sorrow.

While not always as "noticed", we manage a similar crash when go back to our dear little godlett selves. 
When in a deeper communion with Christ, Spirit and Father, joy is a more solid investment. The joy is sometimes one of a girl becoming engaged, being accepted into the long-dreamed of college, etc.; that is, a high and quicker joy, but the joy is also a steady warmth of a good marriage---or being tucked safely into a favorite couch with a grand book and cup of something to drink. A long-burning joy that is never lacking, never failing, never fading. 

Our main issue is that it is a constant struggle to maintain a deep commitment. It is not the fault of the Rock, as one of the earlier posts discussed. The failure of joy is purely a human concept. I can decide to sit and bemoan my illness when it becomes worse and worse, or I can swallow those words and refuse to dwell on them. Admittedly, being human and weak, it gets the better of me. 
If, however, I have maintained my relationship with God, I find that the disappointments of life are so much easier to swallow. Meaningless and petty.

In some ways, the verse mentioning the spiritual battles all about us make me thing of something beyond the normal ideas floating about. I suddenly think that it is also about making certain that our spirit is in contact with the Spirit. If I give,say, the disappointments regarding running and leaping as I did in days of old (and hopefully in days of future) the power to sadden and overwhelm me, I have created a god. I have given power to devilment by not choosing to dwell on things above. Slowly the creature I create from sadness, fear and worry grows into a monster to kneel before in worship as it demands even more sadness, fear and worry.

God is really so very easy to reach out to. Confessing sins is a big part in making a deeper relationship I have found. Even sins long, long ago and nearly forgotten. After all...it is our "best of the best" friend who knows the secrets of our hearts---and rarely do they know them all. He already knows every single thing about us, right down to our very cells. Imagine knowing someone that well...can you honestly feature NOT caring for them? Knowing God is a life-long experience...but the joy that can be found and held during the hardest and the best of times---the good, long-burning solid joy, is irreplaceable.

RA Post: Perhaps a Sun-Break

After dealing with the Enbrel hang-over, I feel better today than I have in perhaps months. Today was actually a day that I was up and about, cleaning house. Hopefully I do not regret it later. 
Intend to write a longer post later. 
Hope to be out of the house soon---maybe even working or volunteering someplace. While I am often so sick I could care less about moving one inch....I do miss some of the hustle and bustle of "normal" life. 
Remission please, O Lord.

Houses Deeply Embedded

You have been shaken on the rock, not the rock under you.
C.H. Spurgeon, vol 1

Interesting is it not that when times are tough there is an inclination for us to say God has abandoned us. We claim to not see goodness of Him, no sign that He is there in any manner. 
We never mention (or want to mention) that it could be our own actions and manners making it seem as though we have lost our footing. 
If, however, we spend any true effort listing out blessings of God in those worst of times, it can become "uncomfortably" obvious how blind we may be to signs that He has not forsaken us. 
Spurgeon speaks on the classic parable of a house on sand or a house on the rock. We are know what happens to each building when the storms come. Spurgeon has an interesting way of putting it, as the home building materials also make an effect on the survivability of the houses. This is a great point...if we spend our earthly days focused on earthly important things and neglect our heavenly things, our homes will not be as sturdy. The Rock is still the Rock...but we may not stand up to the winds of life's storms. Admittedly God will and does help, but if that relationship is stronger through dedication, I'd like to think there are pylons going deep, deep, deep into the Rock. This strengthening means harsh storms will be so much more easily overcome. Even the storms lasting years such as chronic illness. 
What's your house made of? And how deeply embedded are you? 

RA Post: To Write Later

Enbrel shots made me feel poor yesterday and have me more than half asleep today. But my pain "seems" to be down. 
Will attempt to write a normal post later today.

Love-actions

Let them [young people] not wait till they are invited to a chapel, or have prepared a fine essay or have  secured an intelligent audience. If they will go and tell out from their hearts what the Lord Jesus has done for them, they will find ready listeners. 
C.H. Spurgeon. Vol 1

In my short life I have found few who have spoken of the things He has done in their lives. Either He is inactive, something I know to be a universally blatant lie from my own humble experiences, or there is fear in speaking on such things. Cultural, I suspect. We might be seen as some sort of nutcase. 
In this post I am not speaking on discussing such things with nonbelievers...in today's society they may consider one to be a poorly educated superstitious nutcase indeed---at least as a Christian. I am speaking instead on empowering ones fellow followers. 
The few stories I have heard generally lead me to tears, tears of a type of joy I otherwise do not shed..... they also inspire deeply. These stories are flashing through my mind as I write. 
In my ever "great" age, I have obviously become quite open about my struggles, past and present, but also what God has done during them. While I sincerely hope they inspire others....retelling the times the Father has lifted me in His great arms also has a secondary benefit. I am reminded again and again that I am never alone in harsh times, reminded again and again that all things are indeed used for good, reminded again and again of His enduring love. 
Not only is speaking of His love for us in His actions towards us extraordinarily powerful for the listeners...it is as powerful, if not more, for the speaker. 
Speak out His love, what He has done---even if only to one person. You are actually actively giving glory and honor to His current, past and present love-actions. And there is really not a worship I have found similar to crying with joy while describing His active love-actions. 
May His peace and love be upon you. 

RA Post: Back on Track...Someday Maybe

Well, after some amusing hysterically funny and astronomically annoying insurance adventures...Enbrel is back in my system. One shot's worth anyway. I will mention that I despise health insurance.
Hoping no colds, infections or other joyful things hit me. I really would like to see what some months on this therapy regime would do for me. 
Facing retired inactive or inactive for my nursing license. That really bothers me---straight to tears if I think on it. I have done some inquiries on options. I have thought of calling the local crisis pregnancy center...but the thing is I am short on ability, cannot guarantee days or times. Gee, what a great.volunteer I would make!!!
I am mulling life over...and how I have dreamed of having a blog. I have one over a year old! I dream of having books published, I dream of bigger activity in the volunteer positions I see lacking. I dream of so many dreams. More college education. More things in life with my husband, like children, small hobby farming like we are both used to, cooking and preserving foods. 
Many of those things may yet happen. Life is terribly uncertain. My dreams have shifted to include a less nauseated day, less exhaustion, to clean house, to leave the house in my car on my own and not regret it fifteen minutes later. 
I have learned (and forgotten numerous times when very ill) that the most important thing to remember, consider, dream---oh dream!--- on is One Being. When stricken with illness one can quickly learn that there is only one way to survive. It is not medication (although very helpful!), it is not many of the things I listed as dreams. The only thing that will lead us through anything, never changing nor faltering, is God. I am often bewildered at being in the situation I am in after I so thought the Lord had led me into nursing. Now I am ill enough most days to be a very poor nurse indeed. I can at least understand those patients I saw in very ill stages now. 
I do not understand. I expect to someday...having found ample use for other trials. I do wish that this one would ease up...but until such time as other use is needed of me, all glory and honor be to the Lord our God forever and ever. Amen.