My day. My day never starts and my day never ends. It seems never ending....
Last night was a hard night for me. There are days I just have to mourn the fact I can't do what the normal person does, what I could do months earlier.
So some tears were shed, and I cried out to God. I don't know that I got an answer except in that all my readings have been on how sufferings iron us into being more like Christ. Sometimes that makes me think I don't want to change at all...but it's like a child, I suppose. Most children do not want to go to bed, be potty trained or change in any manner at all that is not totally their ideas...yet if children completely controlled their lives they would kill themselves with some accident.
Therefore, some great change must be needed in my life. My table manners are not adequate or some such thing--and whether this disease will lighten or not remains to be seen.
It's always easier facing this struggle in the light of day, following sleep. Sleep makes such a difference in one's ability to face suffering, whatever it might be. Now, at this point, my depression of yesterday's pain/exhaustion seems ridiculous in a way. Why be so upset? Yet I know that I will swoop into another phase of depression--however short lived it may be. I have fought that demon too many times to let it catch me, but it will catch me momentarily.
So, I have not read my Bible yet, no verses to share...just a question from my devotional: Are you willing to take your own suffering to become more like Christ? Can you say yes and remain faithful as you walk through your fiery trial, whatever it may be?
Rheumatoid Awareness
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
God's Truth
"God's truth never restricts you; it always sets you free...if you feel powerless to meet the challenges before you, take encouragement from the promise of Phil 4:13 [ 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength. ] If you are defeated by circumstances, hold onto the truth of Rom 8:28 [ 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose. ] ....(these) will have no effect unless you accept it and believe it." Experiencing God Devotional.
While I have not been released from my suffering of RA, I do find that the more I contemplate God and receive revelations about Him and what I am to Him, it makes this walk of pain easier. I still cry and mourn. I am so covetous of "normal people" who are doing normal day-to-day things.
Joni Earekson Tada talks about how being paralyzed limited her day into eating, breathing and sleeping (and watching TV)...and how the "normal" person is actually doing the same thing...how meaningless life really is. The "normal" person has things to distract from that cycle--work, social obligations, etc., but all of that is really meaningless as well. Without God, there is no purpose to anything.
Our main purpose is to worship God...and we get so distracted by every day things, the world poisons us to not think about God. How much easier it must have been in the Garden of Eden, when God was right there, took walks in the evening with us. How wonderful that must have been! I read that our natural response is to hide from God because of the sin in the world, and that if He did not draw us to Him, that is all we would do. Hide.
That sounds so terrible to me. I do not know what I would do if I did not have God to cry out to morning, noon and night--when the pain is the worst, the anxiety is ripping my soul apart or my nausea makes me unable to eat for days. I imagine that, as a Savior, and because He is to have felt everything we ever felt, He knows exactly how I feel....even with the best descriptions to a fellow RA sufferer, everyone is different. I imagine, whether I am right or not, that because He is within me, He knows exactly what I feel with every throb, wave of nausea etc. I had actually not put it into words until just now, and the thought that He knows exactly how I feel has tears streaming down my face. That I, who I consider the most horrible of people, could be valued enough by the God of the Universe to spend time with and understand. What a staggering thought. God is so good, and so kind...it is screamed out to us throughout the Word, from the Old Testament to the New...people tend to mark God as harsh in the Old Testament, but it is so vivid if you read how much He has always loved us. People are always caught up in actions being what makes one faithful, when all God wants is faith in Him. He is so loving, I do not think the love can ever be described. It is beyond human description.
While I have not been released from my suffering of RA, I do find that the more I contemplate God and receive revelations about Him and what I am to Him, it makes this walk of pain easier. I still cry and mourn. I am so covetous of "normal people" who are doing normal day-to-day things.
Joni Earekson Tada talks about how being paralyzed limited her day into eating, breathing and sleeping (and watching TV)...and how the "normal" person is actually doing the same thing...how meaningless life really is. The "normal" person has things to distract from that cycle--work, social obligations, etc., but all of that is really meaningless as well. Without God, there is no purpose to anything.
Our main purpose is to worship God...and we get so distracted by every day things, the world poisons us to not think about God. How much easier it must have been in the Garden of Eden, when God was right there, took walks in the evening with us. How wonderful that must have been! I read that our natural response is to hide from God because of the sin in the world, and that if He did not draw us to Him, that is all we would do. Hide.
That sounds so terrible to me. I do not know what I would do if I did not have God to cry out to morning, noon and night--when the pain is the worst, the anxiety is ripping my soul apart or my nausea makes me unable to eat for days. I imagine that, as a Savior, and because He is to have felt everything we ever felt, He knows exactly how I feel....even with the best descriptions to a fellow RA sufferer, everyone is different. I imagine, whether I am right or not, that because He is within me, He knows exactly what I feel with every throb, wave of nausea etc. I had actually not put it into words until just now, and the thought that He knows exactly how I feel has tears streaming down my face. That I, who I consider the most horrible of people, could be valued enough by the God of the Universe to spend time with and understand. What a staggering thought. God is so good, and so kind...it is screamed out to us throughout the Word, from the Old Testament to the New...people tend to mark God as harsh in the Old Testament, but it is so vivid if you read how much He has always loved us. People are always caught up in actions being what makes one faithful, when all God wants is faith in Him. He is so loving, I do not think the love can ever be described. It is beyond human description.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Purpose in Life
"The Deceiver will whisper: "You failure! You are now of no use to God!"...Experiencing God Devotional by Henry T Blackaby and Richard Blackaby.
While this particular section is actually speaking of the guilty taint of sin...I can't help think how it applies to so many other areas. Fear (admittedly a sin of sorts) crippled me for years, keeping me from possibly serving where I might have; but having knowledge of that absolute Terror that once held me completely captive has given me the ability to speak to people others are afraid to talk to. I, who have experienced such fears and won over 90 per cent of them, willingly speak to those with depression and anxiety issues, and even those of the schizophrenic nature do not generally distress me...I met many nurses who quivered in their scrubs at facing these poor souls. So while I was "no use" supposedly for some time, it was indeed a lie.
Now...I feel exponentially "no use". I am literally bed ridden. If up too long I will literally slump out of a chair onto the floor. I fall asleep sitting up. How can I be of any use? To anyone? Ever again? I may as well be tossed into the corner and forgotten.
My passion is always compassion, empathy and sympathy...here there is little I can do. I have to be ok with that, because I know without a doubt God will use my illness for some good. The issue is time. Time always takes too long for us in the "mortal" setting.
For instance: a week ago, I could be up all day long, as long as I sat and rested every 2-4 hours. The last four days I have barely been able to sit up without my pain skyrocketing and making me so very sick. How is that useful? How will that ever be useful?
I do not know. But I asked that for ten years earlier, and was useful to many people because of what I learned. I will wait, if God gives me the strength to wait.
"Jesus recognized that no ordinary love could motivate Him to go to the cross. No human love could keep Him perfectly obedient to His Father throughout His life. Only His Father's love was powerful enough to compel Him to commit His life to the saving purpose of His Father. Jesus prayer that God would place this same love in His disciples." same as opening quote
Few will die for unknown people. Loved ones, yes...but how many, as Jesus asked, will die for strangers? Better, how many would die for those who hate you?
I am so much more empowered to face this horrible situation I am in if I ask one thing: Give me the strength. Give me the peace.
I need the strength of that love, the strength of God to continue on my daily battle. Who doesn't? The world is such a hard wretched place, whether you are stuck in bed or stuck behind a counter.
I am mortal...I need the help, because I simply do NOT have the strength to fight this day in and day out with the possibility that 60 years from now I will still be bed bound, massively disfigured, with possible organ damage. It isn't something that, for me apparently, can be well controlled by diet. I pray that my new medication that I see the doctor about on Feb 10th will put me in remission....but that medication will likely be overwhelmed by my immune system at some point. Almost all autoimmune medications are. It was so devastating to learn these things...something nursing textbooks do not mention. Most medical sites do not mention either.
God has blessed me. How can that be, with what you are saying? I do live in a time of more treatment options...and the government has demanded 10 drug companies find a better treatment for RA. They should...almost all of us 4 million with it end up on disability because of poor work attendance due to illness...even with FMLA/MLA stuff. That's a lot of money.
I am well taken care of, and fairly comfortable. My husband bought me two huge body pillows which help a lot. I can take up residence of the basement, which is 65 degrees, and keeps me more comfortable than any place in the home because it helps with the episodes of fever-sweating-cold that I have on my worse days. It helps with the rib inflammation that makes breathing painful because the cool air is soothing.
So...while I am miserable, I am blessed...and I am my Father's dear child, whom He stays with through the watches of the night, dries my silent tears when I cannot take it anymore, whispers His Holy Word into my mind in the darkest of times, and guards my heart, provides pain relief when I ask, gives me peace and even joy when I ask. I could not take it without Him.
While this particular section is actually speaking of the guilty taint of sin...I can't help think how it applies to so many other areas. Fear (admittedly a sin of sorts) crippled me for years, keeping me from possibly serving where I might have; but having knowledge of that absolute Terror that once held me completely captive has given me the ability to speak to people others are afraid to talk to. I, who have experienced such fears and won over 90 per cent of them, willingly speak to those with depression and anxiety issues, and even those of the schizophrenic nature do not generally distress me...I met many nurses who quivered in their scrubs at facing these poor souls. So while I was "no use" supposedly for some time, it was indeed a lie.
Now...I feel exponentially "no use". I am literally bed ridden. If up too long I will literally slump out of a chair onto the floor. I fall asleep sitting up. How can I be of any use? To anyone? Ever again? I may as well be tossed into the corner and forgotten.
My passion is always compassion, empathy and sympathy...here there is little I can do. I have to be ok with that, because I know without a doubt God will use my illness for some good. The issue is time. Time always takes too long for us in the "mortal" setting.
For instance: a week ago, I could be up all day long, as long as I sat and rested every 2-4 hours. The last four days I have barely been able to sit up without my pain skyrocketing and making me so very sick. How is that useful? How will that ever be useful?
I do not know. But I asked that for ten years earlier, and was useful to many people because of what I learned. I will wait, if God gives me the strength to wait.
"Jesus recognized that no ordinary love could motivate Him to go to the cross. No human love could keep Him perfectly obedient to His Father throughout His life. Only His Father's love was powerful enough to compel Him to commit His life to the saving purpose of His Father. Jesus prayer that God would place this same love in His disciples." same as opening quote
Few will die for unknown people. Loved ones, yes...but how many, as Jesus asked, will die for strangers? Better, how many would die for those who hate you?
I am so much more empowered to face this horrible situation I am in if I ask one thing: Give me the strength. Give me the peace.
I need the strength of that love, the strength of God to continue on my daily battle. Who doesn't? The world is such a hard wretched place, whether you are stuck in bed or stuck behind a counter.
I am mortal...I need the help, because I simply do NOT have the strength to fight this day in and day out with the possibility that 60 years from now I will still be bed bound, massively disfigured, with possible organ damage. It isn't something that, for me apparently, can be well controlled by diet. I pray that my new medication that I see the doctor about on Feb 10th will put me in remission....but that medication will likely be overwhelmed by my immune system at some point. Almost all autoimmune medications are. It was so devastating to learn these things...something nursing textbooks do not mention. Most medical sites do not mention either.
God has blessed me. How can that be, with what you are saying? I do live in a time of more treatment options...and the government has demanded 10 drug companies find a better treatment for RA. They should...almost all of us 4 million with it end up on disability because of poor work attendance due to illness...even with FMLA/MLA stuff. That's a lot of money.
I am well taken care of, and fairly comfortable. My husband bought me two huge body pillows which help a lot. I can take up residence of the basement, which is 65 degrees, and keeps me more comfortable than any place in the home because it helps with the episodes of fever-sweating-cold that I have on my worse days. It helps with the rib inflammation that makes breathing painful because the cool air is soothing.
So...while I am miserable, I am blessed...and I am my Father's dear child, whom He stays with through the watches of the night, dries my silent tears when I cannot take it anymore, whispers His Holy Word into my mind in the darkest of times, and guards my heart, provides pain relief when I ask, gives me peace and even joy when I ask. I could not take it without Him.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Pure Pain
There is nothing worse. Nothing worse than oversleeping a dose of pain medication. The absolute misery in which you wake is really indescribable. But I am a writer, so I will.
You can't breathe. Partially because your ribs are inflamed from your disease, and partially because of the pain. You can't move, but also can't sit still. Your highest desire is to writhe, but that does not help, so you lay still. Desperation to have your pain medication work makes tears rise to your eyes and you focus on the fact that when this episode of Lavern and Shirley is done (which DVD has been playing ALL night) the meds should work.
Then they don't. You waited too long. It will be an hour before the meds sneak through the delusional fog you are now in because of the pain. If someone asks you a question at this point....you either won't answer because one, you don't know what they asked exactly, and two, you cannot figure out an appropriate response. Well, other than screaming.
When relief hits, it is like finally breaking the surface of water when diving. Relief flows through the body. Breathing returns.
That is the amount of pain I have. I always avoided medications. I pushed through having dental implants with just ibuprofen. This is beyond all that. I never understood the pain that RA patients had. I would, as a nurse, not see how it could hurt so much. I now know...and I would say without pain meds the patient (as I have seen a few, not myself) acts like a person with bone cancers, which are among the most painful.
So why don't I turn my back on God? I feel so like Job sometimes. I cannot. This illness is but one of many hard things I have dealt with...and God has always been the one safe constant. I have not even found myself disappointed in Him once, even if His plan is not to heal me, or provide me with the various wishes I have. He is not a genie. He is a God, the God...and He knows what is best...I do not think He sent this illness to me, from my readings in the Bible, I do not think He sends "bad" things. The evil one asks permission to send them, and is granted the ability. Why? I think because God knows with great pride that we can withstand it. I think that when we stand firm in the faith of our King, we cause such despair among the legions of the fallen that it cannot be described. Our life is such a spiritual battle, really...even the seemingly physical portions.
I do not pretend to like having RA. I hate it with a passion. But God is right beside me, holding my hand, keeping legions at bay...I am always fascinated by the poor man who was possessed by so many evil spirits that the man stated his name was Legion, because there were so many. That poor soul had to be so much more tortured than I can fathom...and God keeps those beings away from me. I have asked Him, and have found a slight decrease in pain. It is minimal, but any decrease is a huge blessing. I sometimes wonder how much illness is not exactly the body,,,but something else stirring around.
You can't breathe. Partially because your ribs are inflamed from your disease, and partially because of the pain. You can't move, but also can't sit still. Your highest desire is to writhe, but that does not help, so you lay still. Desperation to have your pain medication work makes tears rise to your eyes and you focus on the fact that when this episode of Lavern and Shirley is done (which DVD has been playing ALL night) the meds should work.
Then they don't. You waited too long. It will be an hour before the meds sneak through the delusional fog you are now in because of the pain. If someone asks you a question at this point....you either won't answer because one, you don't know what they asked exactly, and two, you cannot figure out an appropriate response. Well, other than screaming.
When relief hits, it is like finally breaking the surface of water when diving. Relief flows through the body. Breathing returns.
That is the amount of pain I have. I always avoided medications. I pushed through having dental implants with just ibuprofen. This is beyond all that. I never understood the pain that RA patients had. I would, as a nurse, not see how it could hurt so much. I now know...and I would say without pain meds the patient (as I have seen a few, not myself) acts like a person with bone cancers, which are among the most painful.
So why don't I turn my back on God? I feel so like Job sometimes. I cannot. This illness is but one of many hard things I have dealt with...and God has always been the one safe constant. I have not even found myself disappointed in Him once, even if His plan is not to heal me, or provide me with the various wishes I have. He is not a genie. He is a God, the God...and He knows what is best...I do not think He sent this illness to me, from my readings in the Bible, I do not think He sends "bad" things. The evil one asks permission to send them, and is granted the ability. Why? I think because God knows with great pride that we can withstand it. I think that when we stand firm in the faith of our King, we cause such despair among the legions of the fallen that it cannot be described. Our life is such a spiritual battle, really...even the seemingly physical portions.
I do not pretend to like having RA. I hate it with a passion. But God is right beside me, holding my hand, keeping legions at bay...I am always fascinated by the poor man who was possessed by so many evil spirits that the man stated his name was Legion, because there were so many. That poor soul had to be so much more tortured than I can fathom...and God keeps those beings away from me. I have asked Him, and have found a slight decrease in pain. It is minimal, but any decrease is a huge blessing. I sometimes wonder how much illness is not exactly the body,,,but something else stirring around.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Suffering
Why do we so often have to suffer alone and quietly with any illness? I run across more and more people who are sicker than I ever knew because we cannot talk about being ill. It drives a wedge between people.
I think it is fear...fear that it is "catching". Fear of what could happen to me (you). I could never stand reading about people with injuries that lead to paralysis because of the fear it would happen to me. Or speak about cancer...
There are too many times we judge wrongly, and decide it is in the person's head. If they just ate better, exercised more, etc., etc.; not to say that that may not be true...but there are instances wherein that will not cure the person.
I just managed to get over my flare enough to even be awake...have not actually grabbed my Bible, but was mulling over the Psalms. How much people cried out to God, yet continued to worship even in the midst of suffering. That's faith. Continuing to follow and worship even in the worst of times. It is no difficult matter to be faithful when everything is perfect--in fact, at that point, why bother? Everything is perfect! There is no need for help. Again, thinking on our heroes, we look to those who have struggled against great difficulties. Jesus took on the worst of the worst of difficulties. I imagine the Cross as being the worst: EVERY illness, the guilt of EVERY sin, the WORST of any sensation, and the complete desolation of not one presence of God. The epitome of a Living Hell. I am certain that that time was the worst any man has ever faced. Somehow it makes my suffering seem trivial, although it is still incredibly hard to face.
Ps 61
4 I long to dwell in your tent forever
and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.[b]
5 For you, God, have heard my vows;
you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.
I think it is fear...fear that it is "catching". Fear of what could happen to me (you). I could never stand reading about people with injuries that lead to paralysis because of the fear it would happen to me. Or speak about cancer...
There are too many times we judge wrongly, and decide it is in the person's head. If they just ate better, exercised more, etc., etc.; not to say that that may not be true...but there are instances wherein that will not cure the person.
I just managed to get over my flare enough to even be awake...have not actually grabbed my Bible, but was mulling over the Psalms. How much people cried out to God, yet continued to worship even in the midst of suffering. That's faith. Continuing to follow and worship even in the worst of times. It is no difficult matter to be faithful when everything is perfect--in fact, at that point, why bother? Everything is perfect! There is no need for help. Again, thinking on our heroes, we look to those who have struggled against great difficulties. Jesus took on the worst of the worst of difficulties. I imagine the Cross as being the worst: EVERY illness, the guilt of EVERY sin, the WORST of any sensation, and the complete desolation of not one presence of God. The epitome of a Living Hell. I am certain that that time was the worst any man has ever faced. Somehow it makes my suffering seem trivial, although it is still incredibly hard to face.
Ps 61
1 Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
listen to my prayer.
2 From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
3 For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
3 For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.
and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.[b]
5 For you, God, have heard my vows;
you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.
Methotrexate!
Oh, I am so pleased...I have been terrified of taking methotrexate since all of this started, and tried every medication I could. This last, minocycline, cut down some nausea, but that was the utmost of its abilities.
My rheumy wanted to wait three months to see the med at it's fullest. I thought three months was the end of March. It is the end of Feb. Which means I can make an appointment, and maybe get the med that is the kicker for me to get some relief.
The meds scare me because I will be taking a cancer medication. At this point, I don't care.
My rheumy wanted to wait three months to see the med at it's fullest. I thought three months was the end of March. It is the end of Feb. Which means I can make an appointment, and maybe get the med that is the kicker for me to get some relief.
The meds scare me because I will be taking a cancer medication. At this point, I don't care.
The End of a Flare. Maybe?
I think I am maybe out of the flare. Except my pain is increasing. People may want to know what it feels like....like a sprained ankle in every joint, glass under your feet and inside your body, hot and taut skin over hands and feet...and then muscle spasms over the worst of the swollen joints because of the displacement of the joint stressing the muscle.
I had one of my 24 hour marathons. No, I didn't run, I slept. I could not help it. The longer I tried to stay awake the sicker I felt. I just gave in. If it is done, not too bad. I have had 3 day marathons. And I am out like a light...not a light sleep.
Anyway, my hands hurt, so this is short, and I haven't read anything in days. Will try later.
I had one of my 24 hour marathons. No, I didn't run, I slept. I could not help it. The longer I tried to stay awake the sicker I felt. I just gave in. If it is done, not too bad. I have had 3 day marathons. And I am out like a light...not a light sleep.
Anyway, my hands hurt, so this is short, and I haven't read anything in days. Will try later.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Flare. Again
I overdid it Friday. At least I think it is the cause. I was tired enough to be shaking. Mom told me to go lay down...but I did not listen, so now I am paying with pain, nausea and low grade fevers.
Saw my primary doctor today--he told me I needed another brace,since I was in the office with brace on bilateral knees, left hand, and ace bandages on bilat elbows. We laughed. What meant the most, though, besides the jokes, was the disappointment in the man's eyes that, while I am better than when he first took me on, I am roughly still in the same place. It is wonderful to see a medical person show their sadness for you, that they really care. One of my few talents....empathy. I really love my new primary.
I hate this. I cannot tell you how much I hate this. I hate being sick, hurting and not doing anything that I used to be able to. It is so frustrating. I keep fighting, but I hate this. It gets easier the longer it goes on, but it hurts so to see everyone able to do simple things that I cannot do.
There are so many people fighting battles quietly. But we always have a shield, and a companion in battle.
[ Trials and Temptations ] Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
James 1:2-3 NIV
[ The Lord’s Covenant With Abram ] After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: “Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.” Gen 15:1
Psalm 18:2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Saw my primary doctor today--he told me I needed another brace,since I was in the office with brace on bilateral knees, left hand, and ace bandages on bilat elbows. We laughed. What meant the most, though, besides the jokes, was the disappointment in the man's eyes that, while I am better than when he first took me on, I am roughly still in the same place. It is wonderful to see a medical person show their sadness for you, that they really care. One of my few talents....empathy. I really love my new primary.
I hate this. I cannot tell you how much I hate this. I hate being sick, hurting and not doing anything that I used to be able to. It is so frustrating. I keep fighting, but I hate this. It gets easier the longer it goes on, but it hurts so to see everyone able to do simple things that I cannot do.
There are so many people fighting battles quietly. But we always have a shield, and a companion in battle.
[ Trials and Temptations ] Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
James 1:2-3 NIV
[ The Lord’s Covenant With Abram ] After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: “Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.” Gen 15:1
Psalm 18:2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Monday, January 19, 2015
1 Peter 1:6-8
1 Peter 1:6-8New International Version (NIV)
6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy,Two Steps Forward....Three Steps Back
I am flaring, so my chest hurts with almost every breath. Incredibly irritating. I spent a bit in tears last night, as it is so hard to go back to not being active. Every step back is a slap to the face.
I spent some time in prayer while crying, and God granted me peace. Another example of answered prayers, even if physical healing is not a "right now" answer for me. I almost always get peace or joy, without even asking for it, but asking for relief and strength. God took the great guilt I was feeling away, as well, which I know was not even from Him, but from the spirit of the world.
Guilt has been a huge thing for me the last two days, without even anything I could put a finger on. I have spent so many years feeling guilty like that...and stupidly do not realize that it is not a sin that I am being conscious of, but a poison of the world. I am being more careful to ask God to show me anything that I need to ask forgiveness of, and to bind those spirits from me. I think that they are more active in our lives than we may realize. While I do not get healing from asking God to bind evil spirits from me...I sometimes get relief of the terrible muscle spasms or nausea, and a great relief of anxiety and depression. I think we are too used to our "modernized" world, and do not recall often enough that there is a spiritual war going on all around us.
Think on this:Daniel 10
12 Then he continued, “Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. 13 But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with the king of Persia.
Wow. Angels battling. Pretty amazing.
I found this last night, and was astounded:
I have read this passage so many times...and never noticed the fact that, without the Holy Spirit (probably with, if we let our guard down), we have the spirit of the world...the king of deceivers. How horribly. No wonder when we are sick, depressed or whatever, we struggle so. We need to remember to ask God for help in that battle. Such a spiritual battleground.
I spent some time in prayer while crying, and God granted me peace. Another example of answered prayers, even if physical healing is not a "right now" answer for me. I almost always get peace or joy, without even asking for it, but asking for relief and strength. God took the great guilt I was feeling away, as well, which I know was not even from Him, but from the spirit of the world.
Guilt has been a huge thing for me the last two days, without even anything I could put a finger on. I have spent so many years feeling guilty like that...and stupidly do not realize that it is not a sin that I am being conscious of, but a poison of the world. I am being more careful to ask God to show me anything that I need to ask forgiveness of, and to bind those spirits from me. I think that they are more active in our lives than we may realize. While I do not get healing from asking God to bind evil spirits from me...I sometimes get relief of the terrible muscle spasms or nausea, and a great relief of anxiety and depression. I think we are too used to our "modernized" world, and do not recall often enough that there is a spiritual war going on all around us.
Think on this:Daniel 10
12 Then he continued, “Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. 13 But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with the king of Persia.
Wow. Angels battling. Pretty amazing.
I found this last night, and was astounded:
1 Corinthians 2:12New International Version (NIV)
12 What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us.I have read this passage so many times...and never noticed the fact that, without the Holy Spirit (probably with, if we let our guard down), we have the spirit of the world...the king of deceivers. How horribly. No wonder when we are sick, depressed or whatever, we struggle so. We need to remember to ask God for help in that battle. Such a spiritual battleground.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Psalm 116
Psalm 116
1 I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
he heard my cry for mercy.
2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
3 The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Lord, save me!”
the anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Lord, save me!”
5 The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
6 The Lord protects the unwary;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
our God is full of compassion.
6 The Lord protects the unwary;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
7 Return to your rest, my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.
for the Lord has been good to you.
8 For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
9 that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
9 that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.
10 I trusted in the Lord when I said,
“I am greatly afflicted”;
11 in my alarm I said,
“Everyone is a liar.”
“I am greatly afflicted”;
11 in my alarm I said,
“Everyone is a liar.”
12 What shall I return to the Lord
for all his goodness to me?
for all his goodness to me?
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the Lord.
14 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.
and call on the name of the Lord.
14 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.
15 Precious in the sight of the Lord
is the death of his faithful servants.
16 Truly I am your servant, Lord;
I serve you just as my mother did;
you have freed me from my chains.
is the death of his faithful servants.
16 Truly I am your servant, Lord;
I serve you just as my mother did;
you have freed me from my chains.
17 I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people,
19 in the courts of the house of the Lord—
in your midst, Jerusalem.
and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people,
19 in the courts of the house of the Lord—
in your midst, Jerusalem.
Praise the Lord.[a]
Saturday, January 17, 2015
The Most I Have to Do
One can feel incredibly worthless when chronically ill. My sister, who has children and RA, says she focuses on telling her kids that she will love them always no matter what...because she cannot do as much with them as she would like.
I spent the few thinking-able days while bed ridden feeling so worthless. Unable to work or even walk is devastating.
Really, though, as I read today in my Bible Study by Henry Blackwell, it doesn't matter what I do. I don't really have to do anything. I only have one thing that is important. Here are some passages from the day's work and my thoughts:
"Your walk with God (Father, Son, and Spirit) is the single most important aspect of your life...If you knew all you had was a relationship with God, would you be totally and completely satisfied?...Scripture leads us to understand that God is saying "I want you to love Me above everything else. When you are in a relationship of love with Me, you have everything there is"...you do not need to do anything to feel fulfilled. You are completely fulfilled in a relationship with God."
Having been sick in bed these last five months, unable to do anything...having God with me has been so important. I cannot even begin to express what having God constantly with me as I lay day after day alone in bed means. I had Someone there, I could imagine Him holding my hand, holding ME in His arms and rocking me as if I were His dearest child through the pain and the nausea, talking constantly to me with His Word and peace. I have been given such joy in the midst of suffering.
Knowing that I do not need to do anything, a job or career to be completely fulfilled is so helpful, and makes me know I am not worthless. God loves me because I am His child, His beloved child. He is pleased with me because I strive to know Him and love Him so very much. I am never alone, my Father is always with me and will never leave me.
"God did not create you for time; He created you for eternity."
I realized something today as well. Whenever something "bad" happens, we ask God to take it away. Fear, sickness, poverty, struggles. Often we are extremely frustrated when God seemingly does NOT take it away. Some leave Him because of this supposed unanswered prayer.
He does answer...it just is not in our "time frame". I will not be in pain forever. My pain will be healed with entrance to eternity.
Why doesn't God take it away now? I think it is because we can be a light through our suffering to others. Those who remain faithful to the King and Master through the worst of the worst are the most powerful to watch. Who, besides our God, encourages the most? Not those who have easy lives;if anything it is more frustrating. Instead, it is those who suffer the most who mean the most. Those who have had hard walks help us the most...I do not look to those who have walked a blissful life, I look to those who have faced trials seemingly beyond hope. We cluster to them.
We also ask God to completely take something away. Maybe it would be better to ask for the strength to bear up under it. Paul asked to have his thorn removed, yet it was not...Jesus asked to be spared, yet by His willingness, He saved us all. Is our willingness to suffer sufferings possibly something that will "save" someone by showing them our strength through God---that they will look to the Savior because we withstand our own difficult walk? Would that not make any suffering worth it all?
I do, always, wish my Healer would take my burden...but I changed my prayers slightly...I still ask for healing, but I now also ask for strength if it is not God's will to remove my illness. And since then, it has been easier to be in pain, and I have been blessed with better days. Praise be to the King!
Praise the Lord, my soul.
I spent the few thinking-able days while bed ridden feeling so worthless. Unable to work or even walk is devastating.
Really, though, as I read today in my Bible Study by Henry Blackwell, it doesn't matter what I do. I don't really have to do anything. I only have one thing that is important. Here are some passages from the day's work and my thoughts:
"Your walk with God (Father, Son, and Spirit) is the single most important aspect of your life...If you knew all you had was a relationship with God, would you be totally and completely satisfied?...Scripture leads us to understand that God is saying "I want you to love Me above everything else. When you are in a relationship of love with Me, you have everything there is"...you do not need to do anything to feel fulfilled. You are completely fulfilled in a relationship with God."
Having been sick in bed these last five months, unable to do anything...having God with me has been so important. I cannot even begin to express what having God constantly with me as I lay day after day alone in bed means. I had Someone there, I could imagine Him holding my hand, holding ME in His arms and rocking me as if I were His dearest child through the pain and the nausea, talking constantly to me with His Word and peace. I have been given such joy in the midst of suffering.
Knowing that I do not need to do anything, a job or career to be completely fulfilled is so helpful, and makes me know I am not worthless. God loves me because I am His child, His beloved child. He is pleased with me because I strive to know Him and love Him so very much. I am never alone, my Father is always with me and will never leave me.
"God did not create you for time; He created you for eternity."
I realized something today as well. Whenever something "bad" happens, we ask God to take it away. Fear, sickness, poverty, struggles. Often we are extremely frustrated when God seemingly does NOT take it away. Some leave Him because of this supposed unanswered prayer.
He does answer...it just is not in our "time frame". I will not be in pain forever. My pain will be healed with entrance to eternity.
Why doesn't God take it away now? I think it is because we can be a light through our suffering to others. Those who remain faithful to the King and Master through the worst of the worst are the most powerful to watch. Who, besides our God, encourages the most? Not those who have easy lives;if anything it is more frustrating. Instead, it is those who suffer the most who mean the most. Those who have had hard walks help us the most...I do not look to those who have walked a blissful life, I look to those who have faced trials seemingly beyond hope. We cluster to them.
We also ask God to completely take something away. Maybe it would be better to ask for the strength to bear up under it. Paul asked to have his thorn removed, yet it was not...Jesus asked to be spared, yet by His willingness, He saved us all. Is our willingness to suffer sufferings possibly something that will "save" someone by showing them our strength through God---that they will look to the Savior because we withstand our own difficult walk? Would that not make any suffering worth it all?
I do, always, wish my Healer would take my burden...but I changed my prayers slightly...I still ask for healing, but I now also ask for strength if it is not God's will to remove my illness. And since then, it has been easier to be in pain, and I have been blessed with better days. Praise be to the King!
Psalm 103
Of David.
1 Praise the Lord, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
6 The Lord works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
and justice for all the oppressed.
7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 The life of mortals is like grass,
they flourish like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children—
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 The life of mortals is like grass,
they flourish like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children—
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
19 The Lord has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
and his kingdom rules over all.
20 Praise the Lord, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the Lord, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the Lord, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Daily Actions
I went out with my husband for the first time in 4 months. I could cry, because it is so hard to not be able to do things and so hard to be able to. When I can't do them, I cry because I cannot and wish I could. When I can, I cry because I mourn the idea of loosing so many chances earlier because of pain and misery. Mourning every day events like bathing, eating, walking outside, riding in a car. Yes, I did it today, but it hurts so much emotionally because I haven't been able to. So grateful I could.
Psalm 84[a]
For the director of music. According to gittith.[b] Of the Sons of Korah. A psalm.
1 How lovely is your dwelling place,
Lord Almighty!
2 My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.
3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
Lord Almighty, my King and my God.
4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.[c]
Lord Almighty!
2 My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.
3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
Lord Almighty, my King and my God.
4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.[c]
5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.[d]
7 They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.
whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.[d]
7 They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.
8 Hear my prayer, Lord God Almighty;
listen to me, God of Jacob.
9 Look on our shield,[e] O God;
look with favor on your anointed one.
listen to me, God of Jacob.
9 Look on our shield,[e] O God;
look with favor on your anointed one.
10 Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
11 For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
11 For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.
12 Lord Almighty,
blessed is the one who trusts in you.
blessed is the one who trusts in you.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Psalm 77
Psalm 77[a]
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.
1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.
3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.[b]
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked:
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.[b]
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked:
7 “Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
What god is as great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
Beauty and Pain
A tip from a fellow RA warrior: When in pain, try using art and music to distract from the pain one feels.
Having trouble holding art supplies? Attach pencil grips to supplies to make them bulkier to hold onto.
Use a yarn loom or crochet rather than knitting, or use bigger needle sizes.
Having trouble holding art supplies? Attach pencil grips to supplies to make them bulkier to hold onto.
Use a yarn loom or crochet rather than knitting, or use bigger needle sizes.
Broken bodies
Up to my recent chronic illness, I have always been rather healthy. I did tend to complain about each and every illness, but I think, too, that that had to do with my upcoming RA-ness. Every sickness is made worse by any other sickness. Women can attest that having a cold and a period is worse than just one or the other. So having RA and something else is also worse.
I was very frustrated having just finished a flare and been thrown flat on my back again unable to eat or even read the Bible. I find myself so envious of others who are still working, going to college, having dates with their spouses, hanging with friends, running...any daily activity that I must now consider highly before doing.
Do I clean house today? Or do I take a shower?
It really is one or the other. Too many options in one day, at this stage of the game, means being sick in days, possibly hours. Slow and steady means more "healthy" days. Fast efforts means a crash course to bed ridden status.
I found a verse the other day which intrigues me:
5 They serve at a sanctuary that is a copy and shadow of what is in heaven. This is why Moses was warned when he was about to build the tabernacle: “See to it that you make everything according to the pattern shown you on the mountain
If the temple was a copy and a shadow of that in heaven, and our bodies are a temple, how much of a shadow and copy of the heavenly bodies we will get must our current and broken bodies be?
Amazing to consider that, as imperfect and broken as my body is, and can become, that how perfect my new body will be.
Joni Eareckson mentions in her book "Joni" that she will not be paralyzed forever. Only until she gets her new, heavenly body.
A hard part was considering being sick and in pain FOREVER. But, in all reality, I won't be. I, too, will be well and healed in the future. I won't be sick forever and then die. I will possibly be sick and in pain for a short time and well for eternity with my King.
With His mighty hand holding my aching body and lending me strength, I think I can survive that short time. He, after all, took on all the pain and suffering and sin on the cross for a short time, the agony of which I am certain was beyond words. Surely, with God as my shield and help, I can manage this short time until paradise.
I was very frustrated having just finished a flare and been thrown flat on my back again unable to eat or even read the Bible. I find myself so envious of others who are still working, going to college, having dates with their spouses, hanging with friends, running...any daily activity that I must now consider highly before doing.
Do I clean house today? Or do I take a shower?
It really is one or the other. Too many options in one day, at this stage of the game, means being sick in days, possibly hours. Slow and steady means more "healthy" days. Fast efforts means a crash course to bed ridden status.
I found a verse the other day which intrigues me:
5 They serve at a sanctuary that is a copy and shadow of what is in heaven. This is why Moses was warned when he was about to build the tabernacle: “See to it that you make everything according to the pattern shown you on the mountain
If the temple was a copy and a shadow of that in heaven, and our bodies are a temple, how much of a shadow and copy of the heavenly bodies we will get must our current and broken bodies be?
Amazing to consider that, as imperfect and broken as my body is, and can become, that how perfect my new body will be.
Joni Eareckson mentions in her book "Joni" that she will not be paralyzed forever. Only until she gets her new, heavenly body.
A hard part was considering being sick and in pain FOREVER. But, in all reality, I won't be. I, too, will be well and healed in the future. I won't be sick forever and then die. I will possibly be sick and in pain for a short time and well for eternity with my King.
With His mighty hand holding my aching body and lending me strength, I think I can survive that short time. He, after all, took on all the pain and suffering and sin on the cross for a short time, the agony of which I am certain was beyond words. Surely, with God as my shield and help, I can manage this short time until paradise.
Monday, January 12, 2015
Thoughts--Jan 12
I have been in a flare since my last post. Today was my first most active day, and one with the least nausea. I am grateful to God for providing some relief to the exhaustion and illness I felt.
It is so frustrating to go from being barely able to hold a book and then back to complete bed rest again. I pretty much fell asleep for three days; just couldn't wake up. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad that I am getting to hold a book again, but it is so hard.
Today I had to leave the dining room where I had felt well enough to provide a snack to my youngest nieces because I was crying.
I started to cry because it is the first time in five months I felt well enough to make anyone besides myself something to eat...and to give it to children just crushed me.
There is little harder than doing something so simple that no one else thinks anything of it, and knowing most of the time I can't do it.
It is so frustrating to go from being barely able to hold a book and then back to complete bed rest again. I pretty much fell asleep for three days; just couldn't wake up. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad that I am getting to hold a book again, but it is so hard.
Today I had to leave the dining room where I had felt well enough to provide a snack to my youngest nieces because I was crying.
I started to cry because it is the first time in five months I felt well enough to make anyone besides myself something to eat...and to give it to children just crushed me.
There is little harder than doing something so simple that no one else thinks anything of it, and knowing most of the time I can't do it.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
The Fear of Being Sick--Jan 5
One of the things that happens when chronically ill is fear. I can fear that my medication will stop working. I can fear I will be sicker than I am now. I have been a fearful person all of my life, sometimes more than others. Here's a verse I found in my reading that was comforting:
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging
Psalm 46
I am less fearful with God.
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging
Psalm 46
I am less fearful with God.
Monday, January 5, 2015
My Worst Crisis in Faith as Yet--Jan 4
My worst crisis of Faith. I find people never talk about these things, and after continuing my reading of Phillip Yancey's "Search for the Invisible God", I thought it would be great to share mine.
I was in a relationship with someone who drastically changed their own faith. How poisonous that was for me. The person argued with every word in the Bible, as to whether that word really was the word being used, or what it meant...but the thing that just about ruined everything for me was the insistence that God and Jesus were not the same person.
I had always believed that every word in the Bible is God-breathed, and what it says is exactly what it means. Jesus says multiple times in the Gospels, "I AM"...but the person said that wasn't said in Hebrew, so it did not mean Jesus was God. Now, looking back and writing this, it seems so foolish that I was swayed and disturbed so much by this, but I was.
Everything I came up with as proof the person shot down with poison. I got more and more confused, more and more distraught, and nearly lost all faith.
I was determined not to loose my God, my King, my Savior. The Being who had helped with my anorexia years ago, dealing with abuse and terror. I delved into the Word deeper than I ever had to that time. I found my answer.
15 The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 16 For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. 17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18 And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. 19 For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him
Phillip Yancey discussed people leaving Jesus and Jesus asking the Disciples if they were leaving too. Peter answered: "To whom would we go?" I thought that was so true, in that moment of crisis and of my walk today. Where would I go if I left God? To leave my King and perfect Family and go to what? Absolute emptiness? To be alone with my suffering in the watches of the night? To have no purpose in this life, even with my RA limiting what I can do---if I had not the purpose of praising God and loving Him, there would be nothing. Nothingness. Yes, I have human obligations, but I cannot do many of them from my bed. I can always praise God and honor my Lord to the fullest. I pray that I do.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Sicker the last couple of days. Having a really hard time feeling like eating or getting up at all. It's an effort to make it to the bathroom, or even write at all. Have had a hard time reading the Word at all from feeling bleh. Exhausted. Sore. Ache.
I was in a relationship with someone who drastically changed their own faith. How poisonous that was for me. The person argued with every word in the Bible, as to whether that word really was the word being used, or what it meant...but the thing that just about ruined everything for me was the insistence that God and Jesus were not the same person.
I had always believed that every word in the Bible is God-breathed, and what it says is exactly what it means. Jesus says multiple times in the Gospels, "I AM"...but the person said that wasn't said in Hebrew, so it did not mean Jesus was God. Now, looking back and writing this, it seems so foolish that I was swayed and disturbed so much by this, but I was.
Everything I came up with as proof the person shot down with poison. I got more and more confused, more and more distraught, and nearly lost all faith.
I was determined not to loose my God, my King, my Savior. The Being who had helped with my anorexia years ago, dealing with abuse and terror. I delved into the Word deeper than I ever had to that time. I found my answer.
15 The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 16 For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. 17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18 And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. 19 For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him
Phillip Yancey discussed people leaving Jesus and Jesus asking the Disciples if they were leaving too. Peter answered: "To whom would we go?" I thought that was so true, in that moment of crisis and of my walk today. Where would I go if I left God? To leave my King and perfect Family and go to what? Absolute emptiness? To be alone with my suffering in the watches of the night? To have no purpose in this life, even with my RA limiting what I can do---if I had not the purpose of praising God and loving Him, there would be nothing. Nothingness. Yes, I have human obligations, but I cannot do many of them from my bed. I can always praise God and honor my Lord to the fullest. I pray that I do.
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Sicker the last couple of days. Having a really hard time feeling like eating or getting up at all. It's an effort to make it to the bathroom, or even write at all. Have had a hard time reading the Word at all from feeling bleh. Exhausted. Sore. Ache.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Psalm 31--Jan 2
Not going to write much at the moment. A lot of pain since yesterday, so dealing with that and the nausea.I had a stressful, emotional day trying to get health insurance and it made me flare. Here's a verse that was meaningful late last night when I couldn't sleep.
In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.
2 Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.
3 Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
4 Keep me free from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.
5 Into your hands I commit my spirit;
deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.
In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.
2 Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.
3 Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
4 Keep me free from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.
5 Into your hands I commit my spirit;
deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.
6 I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
as for me, I trust in the Lord.
7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.
8 You have not given me into the hands of the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.
as for me, I trust in the Lord.
7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.
8 You have not given me into the hands of the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.
9 Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and body with grief.
10 My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,[b]
and my bones grow weak.
11 Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors
and an object of dread to my closest friends—
those who see me on the street flee from me.
12 I am forgotten as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.
13 For I hear many whispering,
“Terror on every side!”
They conspire against me
and plot to take my life.
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and body with grief.
10 My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,[b]
and my bones grow weak.
11 Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors
and an object of dread to my closest friends—
those who see me on the street flee from me.
12 I am forgotten as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.
13 For I hear many whispering,
“Terror on every side!”
They conspire against me
and plot to take my life.
14 But I trust in you, Lord;
I say, “You are my God.”
15 My times are in your hands;
deliver me from the hands of my enemies,
from those who pursue me.
16 Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.
17 Let me not be put to shame, Lord,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and be silent in the realm of the dead.
18 Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous.
I say, “You are my God.”
15 My times are in your hands;
deliver me from the hands of my enemies,
from those who pursue me.
16 Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.
17 Let me not be put to shame, Lord,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and be silent in the realm of the dead.
18 Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous.
19 How abundant are the good things
that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
on those who take refuge in you.
20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them
from all human intrigues;
you keep them safe in your dwelling
from accusing tongues.
that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
on those who take refuge in you.
20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them
from all human intrigues;
you keep them safe in your dwelling
from accusing tongues.
21 Praise be to the Lord,
for he showed me the wonders of his love
when I was in a city under siege.
22 In my alarm I said,
“I am cut off from your sight!”
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.
for he showed me the wonders of his love
when I was in a city under siege.
22 In my alarm I said,
“I am cut off from your sight!”
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.
23 Love the Lord, all his faithful people!
The Lord preserves those who are true to him,
but the proud he pays back in full.
24 Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the Lord.
The Lord preserves those who are true to him,
but the proud he pays back in full.
24 Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the Lord.
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