for My Refer Spam Visitors

I am getting refer spam. Which means sites are putting up my blog as an encouragement to prove how big their own site is. You know where my refer spam is from? Various pornography groups. I rather expect, and hope, my blog is a bit of a shock. Cuz I hate to tell you...I consider that to be cheating on a spouse if one has a spouse. And if not...cheating on your future spouse. Because pornography is all fake. And no one will meet your "standard". 

Welcome to my blog. You'll get an earful. 

Anything Over Again

My weeks lately have been horrendous. I am lying down, having slept a bit after not sleeping at all last night. It's Monday. Which means tomorrow is Tuesday, and work, and the next day is Wednesday, bible study...and shot day. The closer I get to the shot day, the more I dread, because I may or may not find myself crying out to die from the pain and sickness. I never know what day will find me the most ill...and such days are so horrific that I long for night to sleep and dread day to break and reveal my sickness lottery for the day. 

Yet the last four days or so, something circles around and around in my mind. My vision. 
I honestly cannot recall if I ever told my readers of a dream I had at 14. And at 14 it saved my life. It stopped the depression and such that I later had at 17...and that is because I thoroughly believe it would have killed me at 14. (We all have some duty or another here, we are all placed in the time slot we are needed. The updates and upgrades to the Christian world. Remember to do it right with God's strength.)
At 14, I believe God spent me a message. If nothing else it is certainly not harmful, if you choose to not believe me. I dreamt that I was in heaven, standing in a long, incredibly full beyond sight "room" of people. I've never seen so many people in my life. Not even on tv. And He was walking past us all. I can see Him now, though His face was obscured hours after I dreamed it. As tears rolled down my face at the great relief to be standing here, no longer facing the trials of the world...He stopped walking, nearly having to step back to where I was standing. He then put His hand on my shoulder, said with the utmost kindness and seriousness: "Well done, My good and faithful servant."

While that seems sometimes when one reads it like a "weak" response to the horrors we face, and the living shell other Christians face, let me tell you first hand. Hearing those words come from that Man makes ANYTHING worthwhile. ANYTHING. Hearing the King of all, the One who spoke and it was so say "Well done, good and faithful servant," makes anything bearable, worthwhile, and enough you'd do it again. 
Hearing those words and that scene play over and over in my mind lately has made it seem "acceptable" to face this sickness. To remind me to face whatever is thrown into my path by the evil one to try to sway my into "cursing God and dying" is easily passed by with the strength of God. To remind me that it is beyond worth to continue on in this life, no matter the sickness and pain I face, so long as I am praising God every moment. To remind me that He does indeed see and know every millisecond we live, and knows every sting of pain and sorrow. 
We are all set into specific time slots. Hence the world has not yet ended. Some time slot of people have not yet entered, completing the "code" for the sinful world to be renewed. Let us work at what is before us. Even if it fighting sickness and pain and the fear of it, and not letting go of God for one moment. 

Another Trial Tale

"Sometimes and at som places the atmosphere is so charged and electric with the Divine that inspiration alights and burns on everything; and never was this more true than at the cross"
The Trial and Death of Jesus Christ: A devotional look b James Stalker (highly highly recommnd getting this ook on Amazon. It is free and among my very favorites. If you do not get any other book I recommend---get this one. It changes the way you look at Christ.)

I have been having the very worst of weeks this last month. Every week I am sick for up to 5 days from my RA meds. Thn I am so overwhelmed and relieved at being "better" that exhausted tears and weary slumber replace the remaining days until wham! another shot of meds. Whether the weather is playing a part or what is making it worse, I do not know. 
I despice life because of the dread of upcoming sick days, the weariness of today---the tears I cannot keep from falling.

Yet...the msiery of the cross is still the most misery any man has or will feel on earth, what with all the sins, misery and punishment placed on the man. As Stalker points out, Christ died in 6 hours. Most cruciixions lasted longer than that---recall PIlate was shocked that He had died already. The physical body of Christ could no longer take the toil of what life demanded of it.
My point is that, as hard as it is for me to stand, or for that matter understand, there has to be a reason, and a good and holy reason, for all that happens.
We are smoothed awaty by all that happens to us. Think of a child. Children, as much as we love them, are sinful little beings. They think only of themselves (as we do, and pretend we do not). Life's lessons, with the teaching Spirit, buff away all the rouh, sharp edges. The most incredible, soft people I have ever met are those of Christ's for years and years. They are at the edge of going home...and the brightness of God shines from them in my eyes more than I can descrie. Failing bodies we all have...but our spirit should be abounding with the power of God.

Christ's suffering had a purpose. Being God, He knew the purpose---and yet even He askd to escape it. However, as I said, He knew that the trials He would shortly face would be the trials spoken of in and out of time. The most important moment in man's existence, that we may indeed be ever with God.
Whether our own trials bring us closer to God, or help bring others closer to God, we are to not despair (I fear I am doing so much lately), but call upon Him, and continue in the manner we can. 

Stand Alongside Me

I feel writer's block. Because I have been so very ill, especially this week with five days of bad days, it is difficult to know what to write. 
I feel drained, physically...but while I do not know what to write about, I do not feel especially drained spiritually. I could pick some topic and write from it, but I prefer writing from the heart. 
So then, we will see were this "not drained spiritually" leads me to write. 
This last month and some has had me in less study time, less examination of the word, or the good authors past and present who have shared their experiences. It bitterly annoys me to have wasted time in what are meaninglessness pursuits over the study of God. 
Even yet...I still feel His presence strongly the very moment I begin to speak of Him. 
I am reminded of Psalm 1.2-3:
But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on this law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.
So while I have not studied every day as I once did, have neglected my readers, I see wonder in that with that delay, He continues to be so near to me. My leaf, my faith in Him, does not wither in the hardest of times, simply because the love of God is so available.
The strongest of times are those spent in more study, more contact with God. I adore, though, that as we are distracted with life, be it illness bad enough to not be able to read, children, work or that fascinating tv season finale, He is so willing to answer us when we call. Better yet, as a favorite song of mine points out...He never stops calling us. We forever feel the urge to put down the tv remote, some novel, whatever, and pay full, undivided attention to Him. And it is always the sin nature that urges us to continue with what is not important. 

Faith is interesting as it matures. Paul speaks of us being ready only for milk, not neat as believers. When I was a child, I did not doubt God's existence. I called on Him often to help with fear...and I felt Him. Yet as harsher and harsher trials have hit, the more and more I feel His great love when I call. The weaker I am....the stronger He "becomes", though He is of course stronger than we can ever imagine.
 More incredible are the times I feel His love when I have not called. It must be a dumbfounded level of love when we stand in His presence at the end of time. 

So. As I myself struggle to force myself to study, to be with Him instead of whatever else may grab my attention, struggle alongside me. Pick up your Bible. Pick up your devotional. Pick something to delve deeper into the depths upon depths of God's wonderful self. 

Stand Firm and Shout

Here's a quote since I feel poorly. 
From Joni Eareckson Tada's Diamonds in the Dust

God always uses such intimate language when He relates to us. he paints warm images of sheltering us under His wings, holding us in the palm of His hands, or drawing us close to His breast. 

We shut ourselves out of God's path. We slam the door on letting Him love us, hold us. We scream, fingers in our ears, that we can manage everything on our own. 
We lie, blatantly, to ourselves. We don't need help with this, we don't need help with that. 
On the flip side....if we don't get exactly what we ask of God, we then out our fingers in our ears and scream. Spoiled children is what we see if we can honestly look back at ourselves. 
Why was the story of the prodigal son told? Multiple reasons could probably be pulled from those words...but what I always see the most is that me, myself, the wretched screaming brat is always welcome home. If I but humble myself away from the seat of "god" that I have been sitting on, admit that I need the level of love only God can give, He will give it. 
He gives out more live than can ever be described. The love and tenderness I have received from my King as I lay miserable sick, unable to talk I am so sick, is unbelievably difficult to describe. I know He is there. I know He sees my quaking nausea, stabbing pains, aching skin. I know He loves me all the more because I refuse to "curse God and die" as Job was told. I know He wipes the tears from my face. 
Our refusal to give up our faith in Him in the hardest of times are the best gifts we could ever offer Him. We shout then, to the visible and invisible world, that nothing shall ever seperate us from our God. And that is a powerful message. 

RA Post: Neglect

I'm sorry that the blog has been so neglected. I have been very ill the last couple of weeks...

Lost One

Pain and suffering, misery and tears. Everyone has experienced them all in one form or another.
Many people blame God, becoming angry at Him for allowing so many to suffer so long. 
I am reminded of Israel,trapped in slavery in Egypt----the untold horror probably was similar to Nazi death camps, at least the work section of the camps. 400 years passed,longer than the US has been the US. An incredibly long period of time. The suffering seemed endless. 
Yet two things happen that I can think of. There was a great fertility blessing on the Israelites. I suspect, too, a low maternal mortality rate. 
The second was Moses. Moses, who wrote the laws down as given by God, led and was a prophet for Israel. 
It is said throughout scripture that we are in the time and place we should be. Why Israel needed 400 years of slavery, I do not know. Perhaps, considering the ease with which they turned to Baals, they would have been too inclined for this sin earlier.  Or the people's living in the Promised Land were the wrong groups---not that God would have been unable to manage it all.  No one knows but God. 
However,Moses entered the scene, helping to set down the guidelines for Israel by God's order, but better yet, he helped set up the expectations for the Messiah. 
Suffering also makes me think of the parable of the lost sheep. I'm not sure how to word this....but that the lost sheep is perhaps each of us when we are suffering, be it emotional, mental, physical. To me this stands out as example that we are never left alone to face these things---He will come comfort us in these times if we ask, that He will gather us under His wings and comfort us with His great love. 
"What of the 99 left in the fold?" I think this, in a look at suffering, gives us a hint. A big hint. While we are suffering, we are safe in His fold, His love. But further, we should note that the sheep are not alone. There are 99 of them, milling about together. 
When we are suffering, we should be able to find some comfort in others. We should be able to help comfort others with the love of God, the love He has shown us in various struggles. Not all struggles are the same, but if compassion and empathy are missing, we are missing a big part of our duty to one another. 
To think of it another way...if we cannot comfort one another in the faith, show His love and peace to one another...how can we ever possibly expect to show those not of the faith?
We are never alone in our pain. Regardless of the difficulties we may face, He is always willing, and in fact by Scripture desires (psalms and new testament) to hold us close. Ask; I have found Him always willing to provide peace, strength, joy...and be overwhelmingly surrounded by His love. 

Never Alone, Even in the Deepest of Deeps

I have not been able to write. I have not been able to write this tale...because the experience is so incredibly horrible to describe, so incredibly miraculous and incredibly one of the strongest shouts of love from God to me. I am sobbing trying to write this. 

I was sent into a depression worse than I have ever have with pain spiraling out of control. I have never wanted to die so much in my entire life---no one can live through such misery as I was in physically by pain, mentally by suffering, emotionally by despair. 

Anyone who has been in deep depression knows the mind shuts down. That is the only way to describe it. Thoughts begin to vanish, or are a garbled version of oneself.
In a moment of desperation, I gather what mental thought I could muster and cried out to God, "Help me! I can't stand this, I can't do this, I can't live this way!" It was such a scream of anguish in my mind as to not even be those words---there were no words, just a scream of emotions and suffering, one sob, moan, cry after another.

While my depression reigned strongly, and thoughts remained scattered...I got an answer. 

I was not healed of my pain and suffering. I was just wrapped into the arms of God, and rocked as a father might a sick child...a child who must wait out the disease of flu, or a earache. In the midst of the worst agony I have ever felt, the scream I uttered was answered with the biggest outpouring of love, compassion and empathy I have had in some time. In a time of deepest, darkest misery...He answered and held me close, dear, loved beyond all reason.

RA Post: Weather Change, Health Change

Depression is smothering me much like a plastic bag over a weed in hot summer. I fear the fear I've have for months is coming to pass. Rain has set in, dull grey clouds I loved all but two years ago because of the infinite number of shades of grey have become hated. The longer they are staying...the worse I am becoming. It takes all my energy to do anything, and seems inordinately pointless. For, if it follows the course, October will be the worst. 
I need to move. Someplace the weather stays the same, or as near to the same as one could hope for. I just don't know how that will happen...one, even at my best I need a semi caregiver. Two, my not working and no SSI would mean a super tight belt. Manageable, yes. But harsh when I don't even manage shopping now, but give funds to someone else to get them. I fear I am here, though I love it here...the weather is going to mean months and months of depression and illness. 

RA Post: Doing or Sleeping

I am sorry I haven't written---I will try and write a post later. My meds have been hitting me hard or something, so I am either well enough to be busy seeing people or doing housework, or flat out asleep and not eating for days. Somehow I can't think, either....