Sorry for the many delays in posting. I have been quite ill the last few days. Naturally our internet is being iffy here on the Ridge...so I am writing with my kindle, not as convenient as a laptop.
God has been good to me, reminding me of verses as I lay spread eagle. How He never leaves us, is always there.
What God would have for our world is not this, you remember. This world and its troubles are not how we were meant to live. That is very comforting to me...knowing that the pains and disadvantages we face are not His real original plan for us. He allows the evil ones to sift us, and I cannot imagine how infuriating it is to the evil ones when we insist on our faith in our Father. We deserve to be sifted in many cases, for if not we would become arrogant, proud, horrible creatures. There are many cases of hardship that are so wicked it astounds me. The cases when we see no reason for it. We cry to God then, asking why, why, why.
Oswald Chambers, in Baffled to Fight Better, states that God does not blame people for bemoaning these hard times. His is a perfect place, a place we will see. Short of our needing to live out our lives here, to have the time to choose Him, and thusly affect others to hopefully accept His divine forgiveness, we would be with Him. We created this pathway by our choosing to be gods in the Garden, the moment of birth, and that many of us, by refusing His love, still pick that path....a path of never-ending misery and torment.
Imagine for a moment the horror of knowing you would never feel the comfort of the Spirit. In the worst moment you have yet faced...that He was not there. That is Hell. That is the pathway we pick when we decide to ignore God's love...the pathway of godlihood.
God is with me. I feel His love about me. I hate with a fierce passion being sickly; I was not one to have to give up until I had to. I am learning to have patience, gentleness in a way, peace in the midst of difficulty. God has blessed me in many ways...but as a previous post described, blessing is often God being in the center of one's life. I fear I could be more deeply devoted than I have been...but that devotion is created by effort, by focusing on His love, grace, holiness, joy, and so many other indescribably wonderful things. Let us not dawdle with that focus and intensity.
Rheumatoid Awareness
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Monday, October 26, 2015
Disabilities
From J.E. Tada's Diamonds in the Dust
God can exchange the tragic meaning behind accidents or injuries for something new and positive. The cross is a good example. When God uses His glory the most ordinary things---such as a staff, or a cross, or a wheelchair---He gives each one unique and special meaning.
We all have disabilities. Mine, obviously, is struggling with a still raging and uncontrolled autoimmune disease, the depression and fear related to that, as well as the fear "monster" that has plagued me as long as I can remember. You know your own disabilities---or even sins, as fear is mine. Sometimes these disabilities are strong enough to cause enough havoc in our lives that others cannot help but know and notice, but many times we manage to stuff them down deep enough inside that others do not know. We put up this front of a perfect life, a life that nothing ever has anything wrong with it.
I do not think that is how we are supposed to live in this terrible, broken world. We are a body in Christ...and a body that functions properly takes care of all its various organs. The heart feeds the entire body with blood...but that blood is beyond useless if the lungs do not provide it with oxygen...and the blood is poisonous without the liver and kidneys cleaning it constantly....and the blood is also useless without the nutrients provided from the digestive tract...and all of these things still rely on each other to get that precious blood supply. Is it any wonder that Jesus said that He is the bread, He is drink, He is blood---that He provides everything we ever need? We cannot live without Him foremost above all things, but there is another point to the fact we are the body.
Adults, as I have learned, do not feel that they must always keep struggles a secret, but there is still often a wide circle of secrecy about most things.
That is a deep shame, I believe, as the more open I am about my struggles with anxiety, depression (while these had abated before more recently) and now a chronic illness, which has given past monsters a big opening, provides others with an opening. A chance to share their own battle stories, what God has done for them, how He has provided comfort or even a full out salvation from some trial. The more we share our battles with, say, "infections" of sins and struggles of whatever magnitude, the more we share how God is with us, or show others the love of God, the more the Blood circulates; the more the wonderful Glory of God lights the world and shines for us.
Oh, my friends...one of the best things that happen for me are getting the chance to speak to people about struggles and how God is with them. Nothing lightens my soul as hearing the great and glorious ways in which God has held people. He does indeed use our disabilities with great glory (especially when we ask Him to, as then we are inviting Him into our lives).
I read this passage last night from a devotional because I was feeling so depressed and sick; honestly I could not hold my Bible or even prop it up because of my hands, but this book was light.
Abundant Life, Nancy GurthieWhen we are in trials we ask God to bless us---and while I do not doubt that God provides many, many blessings, I know too that it is wonderful and makes things bearable to have God there, right in the midst of our disabilities. By our sharing our disabilities with others, we spread how loving our God is in the face of our hard times. We did, after all, pick this life for ourselves in many ways...it is however, so very amazing, wonderful and overwhelming that our King and Father is willing to rock us in His arms constantly. May we all be blessed beyond our greatest dreams---having our God right in the midst of everything we do and face.
"When you ask Me to bless your plans, I wonder if you really know what you are asking for. To be blessed is to experience and know more of Me. To ask me to bless your life and your efforts is to invite Me into the center of them. That is the essence of blessing, the joy of it....To be blessed is to be deeply content in Me...."
RA Post: MTX
Feeling terrible today, but if one is going to the rheumatologist that is the way to go. He walked in and asked what was wrong and seemed to think I was in bad shape, considering I was slumped in the chair and leaning over onto the exam table that was probably a great guess.. Fever and everything for my appointment. He said that I may have leanings of psoriatic arthritis---the issue is with these arthritis autoimmune that they all mimic each other, so it is really a guessing game
Starting methotrexate injections on top of Enbrel injections. Hoping this makes a difference. Also can call rheumy and ask for steroids to stop the inflammation, something up to this point he was reluctant to do. Steroids are not especially good for one's body. Also not good for the waistline as they like to just add pounds.
Will try and write later.
Starting methotrexate injections on top of Enbrel injections. Hoping this makes a difference. Also can call rheumy and ask for steroids to stop the inflammation, something up to this point he was reluctant to do. Steroids are not especially good for one's body. Also not good for the waistline as they like to just add pounds.
Will try and write later.
Sunday, October 25, 2015
If Fear Is, Faith Isn't.
Anderson, Victory Over the Darkness
What happened to mankind emotionally because of the Fall? Gen 3.10
Today fear is a bottom-line emotion in our relationships and activities. If fear is controlling your life, then faith is not.
Fear is a monster in my life. Fear crippled me then before my RA and cripples me now. Fear has dug and continues to dig trenches deep into my life, wherein hides evil, snaking it's way like ever so many enemy soldiers deeper into my mind, soul and body. Fear cripples me into making different choices than I would if I was a braver being---choices to hide and escape rather than stand strongly.
Fear is a monster in most of our lives, if not constantly then in a hidden thing we never think about: cancer, sudden family deaths, disasters of various sources, jobs, future, singlehood, single-parenthood. Fear is a monster we allowed into the World upon telling God we could do it all. That monster has grown over the generations, as mothers teach daughters fear, and fathers teach sons fear, family and friends spread fear with the help of sinful forces by our worries and concerns. (Do not for an instant think I am blaming anyone....Fear is a monster we will not be completely rid of until Paradise)
The world is indeed a terrifying, horrible place. We must remember that the world was not meant to be this, and that our minds, souls and bodies were not meant to be bathed in terror---whatever the cause. I imagine this is yet another reason it is said so many times in the Bible to not fear; that, and the fact that Fear is, to me, another word for devil.
Reading the opening statement I wrote down so many months ago hits hard. Likely my faith is at low tide at the moment, struggling with the efforts of this disease and the things it makes me miss out on...and not being as dedicated in my studies as I was earlier.
If we do not continue in a constant, growing relationship, like any human relationship, it will wither. With a relationship that is forged with God, time away from Him will be quickly filled with attacks from this sinful world and the fallen ones in it. This, my friends, causes toxins to build up so absurdly fast as to create a spiritual sepsis.
Today is one of my lowest days, one I am not managing to perk up by positive thoughts. It is as if all the many things I have refused to mourn about for the last year have come crashing down on me, and I cannot help but weep.
God is with us at those times, times when we have keep painful things stuffed away (not especially healthy, but I do it without noticing) and they burst through a dam. If Jesus Himself wept at the death of a friend, God understands (and cries!) at the pain of this world. He most certainly holds us with a loving we cannot understand when we are most wounded at the world and sufferings.
What happened to mankind emotionally because of the Fall? Gen 3.10
Today fear is a bottom-line emotion in our relationships and activities. If fear is controlling your life, then faith is not.
Fear is a monster in my life. Fear crippled me then before my RA and cripples me now. Fear has dug and continues to dig trenches deep into my life, wherein hides evil, snaking it's way like ever so many enemy soldiers deeper into my mind, soul and body. Fear cripples me into making different choices than I would if I was a braver being---choices to hide and escape rather than stand strongly.
Fear is a monster in most of our lives, if not constantly then in a hidden thing we never think about: cancer, sudden family deaths, disasters of various sources, jobs, future, singlehood, single-parenthood. Fear is a monster we allowed into the World upon telling God we could do it all. That monster has grown over the generations, as mothers teach daughters fear, and fathers teach sons fear, family and friends spread fear with the help of sinful forces by our worries and concerns. (Do not for an instant think I am blaming anyone....Fear is a monster we will not be completely rid of until Paradise)
The world is indeed a terrifying, horrible place. We must remember that the world was not meant to be this, and that our minds, souls and bodies were not meant to be bathed in terror---whatever the cause. I imagine this is yet another reason it is said so many times in the Bible to not fear; that, and the fact that Fear is, to me, another word for devil.
Reading the opening statement I wrote down so many months ago hits hard. Likely my faith is at low tide at the moment, struggling with the efforts of this disease and the things it makes me miss out on...and not being as dedicated in my studies as I was earlier.
If we do not continue in a constant, growing relationship, like any human relationship, it will wither. With a relationship that is forged with God, time away from Him will be quickly filled with attacks from this sinful world and the fallen ones in it. This, my friends, causes toxins to build up so absurdly fast as to create a spiritual sepsis.
Today is one of my lowest days, one I am not managing to perk up by positive thoughts. It is as if all the many things I have refused to mourn about for the last year have come crashing down on me, and I cannot help but weep.
God is with us at those times, times when we have keep painful things stuffed away (not especially healthy, but I do it without noticing) and they burst through a dam. If Jesus Himself wept at the death of a friend, God understands (and cries!) at the pain of this world. He most certainly holds us with a loving we cannot understand when we are most wounded at the world and sufferings.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Author Post: Book Idea!!!!!
Ok, a new variety of posting here on Rheumatoid Arthritis, Me, and God---- Author Post. Pretty much going to give little updates on a book I am going to be working on.
This is just.a sci fi type book. I do not feel knowledgeable enough yet to write my own discussion on pain and suffering, but that may be in the future too. I just feel not ready for that project.
My sci fi book is a big thrill for me. I have loved writing stories since age six, and have tried over the years to write whenever the moment presents itself. I suppose my nearly year old blog with it's posting number shows that.
Book writing shows an issue for me, which is why this book idea has me so delighted. Before I always had a beginning. Or an end. I never had a middle. Then I began to get ideas of start and finish, no middle. I finally have all three. Super exciting for me.
So working on some research to fill in the holes more. Hoping to get it started here soon. Hope that I can get it published someday.
This is just.a sci fi type book. I do not feel knowledgeable enough yet to write my own discussion on pain and suffering, but that may be in the future too. I just feel not ready for that project.
My sci fi book is a big thrill for me. I have loved writing stories since age six, and have tried over the years to write whenever the moment presents itself. I suppose my nearly year old blog with it's posting number shows that.
Book writing shows an issue for me, which is why this book idea has me so delighted. Before I always had a beginning. Or an end. I never had a middle. Then I began to get ideas of start and finish, no middle. I finally have all three. Super exciting for me.
So working on some research to fill in the holes more. Hoping to get it started here soon. Hope that I can get it published someday.
Friday, October 23, 2015
Never Told Why
I am barely creeping about after spending...I honestly don't know how long asleep or mostly asleep. On the good side, I should have lost some weight because I rarely eat during those times, but another bad point is the ever increasing loss of muscle from my frame---which can lead to more pain. I squeezed in a couple of yoga poses to make certain of stretching some muscles to try and keep them in place.
I am not in a super great place. Taking some steroids as a last-wild attempt to make it to a wedding...and while I think it is working and may work enough for me to stand to be there and see their joy...depression is creeping steadily in on me because I know once those medications wear off, I will be swamped again with fully swollen joints. I intend to spend more time the next days in Bible studies, because only by the strength of God can I take this illness on.
Reading Oswald Chamber's Baffling something or other (brain is not working too well today---apologies) earlier speaks fully on Job. (Paraphrasing) It said that in all of Job, people with trials find comfort in the fact that Job continued in his belief of God even though throughout the entire book there is not an answer to "why?" questions. Although, as I recall, God speaks the last chapter(s) and states that who is man to ask of Him why, was man there when He created all about us etc etc.
Now, then, I do not feel in my soul that God minds when we cry out to Him why things happen. After all, He is our heavenly Father...and Jesus asked, in great misery, why He had forsaken Him on the cross. I think it is more the attitude---are we asking as children or as "adult sinners" who really are so angry with God they do not fully believe. There I believe is the difference.
I often ask God why I am sick. Why, when I seemed to almost be "told" by life occurrences to be a nurse that I am now so ill that that work is impossible. Why I am so ill that the thought of trying to be a mother would make me cry harder because I know how alone and abandoned they would feel at my sudden illnesses. Why I am missing things in my family's, friends' and in the world.
I do not get an answer. And I may not ever get an answer. I do know that the other horrific times in my life could easily have primed me so that this battle is easier. I know that the other battles I have faced head on with my Lord were and are useful to those about me.
I also know that Job was stripped of everything he had. And as Chambers pointed out, Job says he can see Him with his eyes; that is, he can still see God even with all the horrible and terrible things that have happened. Job, too, received an over-abundance of possessions after all of this, because of his determined faith in the Lord. (showed Satan did he not?)
Chambers also points out how Jesus said we must let go of our possessions to be His disciples, and really, if we do not let "go" of our possessions, when those possessions are ripped from our hands....we will go with them. If we do not have God as our number one thing in life, we will be destroyed by the loss of health, wealth, family, friends, etc., etc.
I cannot say why these things happened to Job ages ago, nor why they happen now. I am very grateful for those who share their battle stories with me, and how God has been with them, for that gives me deeper hope in my King.
I also know that someday all of us who have lost so much will meet Job's reward; some here, but most certainly in Paradise. I imagine it will be by far more than what Job was listed as having, for many of the people we have lost (and I hope animals) will be there. Best of all will be being in the glory of the Lord. Go in the peace of the Lord.
I am not in a super great place. Taking some steroids as a last-wild attempt to make it to a wedding...and while I think it is working and may work enough for me to stand to be there and see their joy...depression is creeping steadily in on me because I know once those medications wear off, I will be swamped again with fully swollen joints. I intend to spend more time the next days in Bible studies, because only by the strength of God can I take this illness on.
Reading Oswald Chamber's Baffling something or other (brain is not working too well today---apologies) earlier speaks fully on Job. (Paraphrasing) It said that in all of Job, people with trials find comfort in the fact that Job continued in his belief of God even though throughout the entire book there is not an answer to "why?" questions. Although, as I recall, God speaks the last chapter(s) and states that who is man to ask of Him why, was man there when He created all about us etc etc.
Now, then, I do not feel in my soul that God minds when we cry out to Him why things happen. After all, He is our heavenly Father...and Jesus asked, in great misery, why He had forsaken Him on the cross. I think it is more the attitude---are we asking as children or as "adult sinners" who really are so angry with God they do not fully believe. There I believe is the difference.
I often ask God why I am sick. Why, when I seemed to almost be "told" by life occurrences to be a nurse that I am now so ill that that work is impossible. Why I am so ill that the thought of trying to be a mother would make me cry harder because I know how alone and abandoned they would feel at my sudden illnesses. Why I am missing things in my family's, friends' and in the world.
I do not get an answer. And I may not ever get an answer. I do know that the other horrific times in my life could easily have primed me so that this battle is easier. I know that the other battles I have faced head on with my Lord were and are useful to those about me.
I also know that Job was stripped of everything he had. And as Chambers pointed out, Job says he can see Him with his eyes; that is, he can still see God even with all the horrible and terrible things that have happened. Job, too, received an over-abundance of possessions after all of this, because of his determined faith in the Lord. (showed Satan did he not?)
Chambers also points out how Jesus said we must let go of our possessions to be His disciples, and really, if we do not let "go" of our possessions, when those possessions are ripped from our hands....we will go with them. If we do not have God as our number one thing in life, we will be destroyed by the loss of health, wealth, family, friends, etc., etc.
I cannot say why these things happened to Job ages ago, nor why they happen now. I am very grateful for those who share their battle stories with me, and how God has been with them, for that gives me deeper hope in my King.
I also know that someday all of us who have lost so much will meet Job's reward; some here, but most certainly in Paradise. I imagine it will be by far more than what Job was listed as having, for many of the people we have lost (and I hope animals) will be there. Best of all will be being in the glory of the Lord. Go in the peace of the Lord.
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
What Does God Want Me to Do?
What does God want me to do? We ask that constantly when stuck in a position where, in my experience, we probably know what is right, but want to do something different. However, there are also times where honestly we do not know what to do and are desperate for an answer. We comb the Bible, we comb pious books, we ask our friends, neighbors, families, and pastors.
From all I have read thus far in my studies...God allows whatever it is that has happened in our lives so that we are the exact person we are at this very exact moment in this exact place.
I have no idea what I am supposed to do with rheumatoid arthritis. I cannot work safely as a nurse, because one, I fall asleep randomly, but two, and most importantly...I may miss something because of how horrible I feel. I am not supposed to be a nurse at this time---as I physically cannot.
So what are we to do? What does God want us to do?
Things happen. Sometimes terrible, horrible things. We get diseases from the generations of sin and the sin around us---whatever poisons we do decide to use around the world. So things happen...and I cannot say, again, why God allows them to happen.
All we need to do is be with God. Think of the Garden. We weren't supposed to do anything at that point (as I recall) but look after the garden and be with God. Now we are in a foreign, horribly place filled with wickedness...and while there are many things we have to pick to do, all we have to do to be right with God is be with God. When we are with God, we will make the right choices because we will have His Spirit and that will direct the choices we have. It is difficult (not impossible) to make sinful choices when the Father is breathing down our necks. However, one can make that choice that makes one's spirit cringe out of sinfulness...and then lose connection with God.
All we have to do is be with God. God will, if we remain willing, help us to stay upright. He does not promise a way out of trials---as Jesus Himself faced a time of trials.
At one point in the future we will be relieved of this place and these trials. We will be in a place of absolute perfection and be with God constantly. That will make everything we endured here, everything we faced, worth while.
From all I have read thus far in my studies...God allows whatever it is that has happened in our lives so that we are the exact person we are at this very exact moment in this exact place.
I have no idea what I am supposed to do with rheumatoid arthritis. I cannot work safely as a nurse, because one, I fall asleep randomly, but two, and most importantly...I may miss something because of how horrible I feel. I am not supposed to be a nurse at this time---as I physically cannot.
So what are we to do? What does God want us to do?
Things happen. Sometimes terrible, horrible things. We get diseases from the generations of sin and the sin around us---whatever poisons we do decide to use around the world. So things happen...and I cannot say, again, why God allows them to happen.
All we need to do is be with God. Think of the Garden. We weren't supposed to do anything at that point (as I recall) but look after the garden and be with God. Now we are in a foreign, horribly place filled with wickedness...and while there are many things we have to pick to do, all we have to do to be right with God is be with God. When we are with God, we will make the right choices because we will have His Spirit and that will direct the choices we have. It is difficult (not impossible) to make sinful choices when the Father is breathing down our necks. However, one can make that choice that makes one's spirit cringe out of sinfulness...and then lose connection with God.
All we have to do is be with God. God will, if we remain willing, help us to stay upright. He does not promise a way out of trials---as Jesus Himself faced a time of trials.
At one point in the future we will be relieved of this place and these trials. We will be in a place of absolute perfection and be with God constantly. That will make everything we endured here, everything we faced, worth while.
Monday, October 19, 2015
RA Post: Down Again
No posts from me usually mean one thing...a flare. I've been down on the couch most all 24 hours for the last two weeks. Had that weird stomach bug that just seems to have set me up for a doozy. Maybe a post later on more Biblical things.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
RA Post: Tossing and Turning
I have spent the last two days in a bit of a pickle, as they used to say. Today is by far worse, in that I know it is pain that keeps waking me every little while, making me toss and turn or sit at the edge of my bed half asleep. I am so tired, but cannot sleep much of any length because my pain is so bad.
I haven't had any issue with my pain being overwhelming in a long while. Even as I write this, I am beginning to toss and shift about in the chair...and my thoughts are not as straight because of the encroaching monster bearing down.
I am not sure what to do. My biggest fear being the medication I am taking for the RA (Enbrel) is not enough, and my disease is overwhelming that therapy, leading to continued destruction. Or maybe a flare of sorts.
I hurt so much, all over. Oh gosh.
I haven't had any issue with my pain being overwhelming in a long while. Even as I write this, I am beginning to toss and shift about in the chair...and my thoughts are not as straight because of the encroaching monster bearing down.
I am not sure what to do. My biggest fear being the medication I am taking for the RA (Enbrel) is not enough, and my disease is overwhelming that therapy, leading to continued destruction. Or maybe a flare of sorts.
I hurt so much, all over. Oh gosh.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Nightmares and Dog Ears
Last night was a sleepless night of tossing and turning and evil, twisted nightmares. I have always had a lot of nightmares...varies as to when. I tried eating something, because low blood glucose can cause nightmares. So can various medications I am on. And so can having snoring or other breathing issues...which I have been told (gasp!) that I snore and whisper/whimper in my sleep.
I can't even tell you what I dreamed, I don't remember. Something scary enough to jolt me awake within ten-fifteen minutes of falling asleep.
I spent some time in the Word, but was falling asleep over the book---so tried again to give up.
At one point, I scooped up Zoe and brought her to my little RA couch. I am still often sick enough by evening to want to lay in a very cool, dark, place, without being jarred. Our bed is great, but being jarred bothers me, however slight. So naturally, Zoe began to bother me as well, and I had to put her back in her box.
In the meantime, I found that Zoe needs her ear cleaned out. Schnauzers (some of them) need the hair in their ear canals pulled out. I trade nail and dental care for mom to do this job---it is not my favorite, and at this point I find ear hair more gross than dog spit.
Just another look at weird points of my life. Nightmares and dog ears. What a world.
I can't even tell you what I dreamed, I don't remember. Something scary enough to jolt me awake within ten-fifteen minutes of falling asleep.
I spent some time in the Word, but was falling asleep over the book---so tried again to give up.
At one point, I scooped up Zoe and brought her to my little RA couch. I am still often sick enough by evening to want to lay in a very cool, dark, place, without being jarred. Our bed is great, but being jarred bothers me, however slight. So naturally, Zoe began to bother me as well, and I had to put her back in her box.
In the meantime, I found that Zoe needs her ear cleaned out. Schnauzers (some of them) need the hair in their ear canals pulled out. I trade nail and dental care for mom to do this job---it is not my favorite, and at this point I find ear hair more gross than dog spit.
Just another look at weird points of my life. Nightmares and dog ears. What a world.
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Exchanges in Thoughts
From J.E. Tada's Diamonds in the Sky
God can exchange the tragic meaning behind accidents or injuries for something new and positive. The cross is a good example. When God uses His glory, the most ordinary things---such as a staff, or a cross, or a wheelchair---He gives each one unique and special meaning.
After fighting (with God!) my way through anorexia/bulimia and severe anxiety/depression many years ago, I was never sure why I had had to go through that. I often asked God why...which while many say that that is a bad, sinful thing to do...I think it depends in the manner of which it was done. I do not think my Father was angered by my questioning a few times why I had to face such hard things.
There was a reason. I always had the ability to sense emotions easily, and in that matter, I could also sense anxiety, and found I had more ease in assisting people. I loved that God had given me the tools with which to help people who were scared. In that instance, God took a terrifying and horrible experience and turned it into a wonderful thing.
We are often being molded into a different shape...God allows those horrible things to happen to us so that something more amazing may happen after all. We may think, as I have heard from many, that this proves He is utterly unloving, and does not care for us, only wants what He wants, etc.
In that instant, we sound exactly like a six-year-old child speaking bitterly about being sent to bed. It may seem like harsh things happen...but considering human nature as it is here and now, how else but allowing Satan to "roam like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour" would He get our attention?
Up to the point of getting sick, I was not super faithful about prayer, Bible studies on my own time, nor even much else in the way of keeping my faith stronger. A stagnant, but loyal, believer. How poisonous that sounds, and foolish. And while my breaks in illness may cause me to be outside or caught up in washing a load of clothes, there is never a super long time before I grasp what book about God I am reading. I am beginning to kick myself for focusing on these godly men and not looking at the Word in and of Itself as much, so trying to do that as well. Again, before being struck ill, I did not do these things, not with any consistency. I was not even dedicating my nursing work to God, as I had been in nursing school. Something in life (probably life) had dragged me away from that dedication.
What will be the use of this time, I cannot say---not any more than I could say after fighting at another point in my life. I cannot say why you may be having a difficult time now or in the past. But I do know (oh how I know!) that God is with you, and holds you so very dear. We are the prodigal son. We are so loved by God. He never leaves us...we just leave Him and block Him out by our "important" life experiences. Open the Word, or a solid author, read His love letter to us, absorb what It says. Sing praises, dance. Be still...and see the glimpses of the Glory of God that we will see someday in full splendor.
God can exchange the tragic meaning behind accidents or injuries for something new and positive. The cross is a good example. When God uses His glory, the most ordinary things---such as a staff, or a cross, or a wheelchair---He gives each one unique and special meaning.
After fighting (with God!) my way through anorexia/bulimia and severe anxiety/depression many years ago, I was never sure why I had had to go through that. I often asked God why...which while many say that that is a bad, sinful thing to do...I think it depends in the manner of which it was done. I do not think my Father was angered by my questioning a few times why I had to face such hard things.
There was a reason. I always had the ability to sense emotions easily, and in that matter, I could also sense anxiety, and found I had more ease in assisting people. I loved that God had given me the tools with which to help people who were scared. In that instance, God took a terrifying and horrible experience and turned it into a wonderful thing.
We are often being molded into a different shape...God allows those horrible things to happen to us so that something more amazing may happen after all. We may think, as I have heard from many, that this proves He is utterly unloving, and does not care for us, only wants what He wants, etc.
In that instant, we sound exactly like a six-year-old child speaking bitterly about being sent to bed. It may seem like harsh things happen...but considering human nature as it is here and now, how else but allowing Satan to "roam like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour" would He get our attention?
Up to the point of getting sick, I was not super faithful about prayer, Bible studies on my own time, nor even much else in the way of keeping my faith stronger. A stagnant, but loyal, believer. How poisonous that sounds, and foolish. And while my breaks in illness may cause me to be outside or caught up in washing a load of clothes, there is never a super long time before I grasp what book about God I am reading. I am beginning to kick myself for focusing on these godly men and not looking at the Word in and of Itself as much, so trying to do that as well. Again, before being struck ill, I did not do these things, not with any consistency. I was not even dedicating my nursing work to God, as I had been in nursing school. Something in life (probably life) had dragged me away from that dedication.
What will be the use of this time, I cannot say---not any more than I could say after fighting at another point in my life. I cannot say why you may be having a difficult time now or in the past. But I do know (oh how I know!) that God is with you, and holds you so very dear. We are the prodigal son. We are so loved by God. He never leaves us...we just leave Him and block Him out by our "important" life experiences. Open the Word, or a solid author, read His love letter to us, absorb what It says. Sing praises, dance. Be still...and see the glimpses of the Glory of God that we will see someday in full splendor.
Monday, October 12, 2015
RA Post : I Remember
Sometimes I can't sleep if I don't write my thoughts down. Some end up here, some end up in my ever growing Bible study notebook...where they either end up here or remain silently hidden.
I remember so many things now showing signs of my impending disease. So tired all the time. And now I wonder if I would do things differently if I thought I would be as sick as I am now.
I am massively better than a year ago. A year ago I couldn't even read the Bible because I was too sick to concentrate. I once ran the DVD UP for three days straight and never saw a thing of it. Family members kept asking did I want something else on, or could they put something else on (if sitting with me). I shook my head...the movie was part of my medication, to drug me deeper into a stupor to escape sickness.
I knew RA was coming. I saw my sister's symptoms..and mine were getting more similar. Yet I did not know that RA made anyone this miserable. Everyone knows cancer makes one miserable...everyone knows having a baby is hard. No one knows RA can be this bad. I figured it was all in one's head. Get up anyway. Ignore the pain. Do exercise, eat this eat that ( which does help, yes). Yeah. No.
So knowing my RA was coming was one thing. Had I known it could be so awful, maybe I wouldn't have worked on nursing. I loved the learning, I loved the job...but maybe I would have had worked at a coffee stand. Always thought that would be fun.
Yet we never know what may happen to us. What happens to us is generations of sin, sin that would be and will be death. Our bodies will be sick. Our bodies will malfunction. Our bodies will die. There is no stopping that.
I think that what accepting Jesus as our savior...heals and solidifies our souls. Before accepting Him, we are doomed to die in a cage of sin. Sin has poisoned the bodies of us for so long, so many generations poisoned by our each sinful choices, that while He could fix our bodies, I do not think that is His plan...we get our "fixed" bodies in Heaven. We still are so surrounded by sin, not even our own, it would perhaps poison us even if we were to be given new, fixed bodies. We would not be born in Paradise, but into sin. So our souls are healed, through Jesus' incredible suffering...and thus a healed self lives in an imperfect body. With the things handed us, we may curse or praise God...Yet the terrible things that come are not from God. We can use our trials, whatever they may be, to show the incredible power of God. how we continue to praise Him with our every breath.
I hate being sick, and missing so much. Yet I know my soul is healed, I shall see paradise, and I praise God for ever being with me, as my sin ridden body suffers from the consequences of sin.
I remember so many things now showing signs of my impending disease. So tired all the time. And now I wonder if I would do things differently if I thought I would be as sick as I am now.
I am massively better than a year ago. A year ago I couldn't even read the Bible because I was too sick to concentrate. I once ran the DVD UP for three days straight and never saw a thing of it. Family members kept asking did I want something else on, or could they put something else on (if sitting with me). I shook my head...the movie was part of my medication, to drug me deeper into a stupor to escape sickness.
I knew RA was coming. I saw my sister's symptoms..and mine were getting more similar. Yet I did not know that RA made anyone this miserable. Everyone knows cancer makes one miserable...everyone knows having a baby is hard. No one knows RA can be this bad. I figured it was all in one's head. Get up anyway. Ignore the pain. Do exercise, eat this eat that ( which does help, yes). Yeah. No.
So knowing my RA was coming was one thing. Had I known it could be so awful, maybe I wouldn't have worked on nursing. I loved the learning, I loved the job...but maybe I would have had worked at a coffee stand. Always thought that would be fun.
Yet we never know what may happen to us. What happens to us is generations of sin, sin that would be and will be death. Our bodies will be sick. Our bodies will malfunction. Our bodies will die. There is no stopping that.
I think that what accepting Jesus as our savior...heals and solidifies our souls. Before accepting Him, we are doomed to die in a cage of sin. Sin has poisoned the bodies of us for so long, so many generations poisoned by our each sinful choices, that while He could fix our bodies, I do not think that is His plan...we get our "fixed" bodies in Heaven. We still are so surrounded by sin, not even our own, it would perhaps poison us even if we were to be given new, fixed bodies. We would not be born in Paradise, but into sin. So our souls are healed, through Jesus' incredible suffering...and thus a healed self lives in an imperfect body. With the things handed us, we may curse or praise God...Yet the terrible things that come are not from God. We can use our trials, whatever they may be, to show the incredible power of God. how we continue to praise Him with our every breath.
I hate being sick, and missing so much. Yet I know my soul is healed, I shall see paradise, and I praise God for ever being with me, as my sin ridden body suffers from the consequences of sin.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
The Most Powerful Prayer
Diamonds in the Sky .J.E Tada
The most powerful prayer I ever offered was the shortest. After three depressing years of suicidal despair over my paralysis, I prayed, "God, if I can't die, show me how to live. Please!"
I realized that I had to take on responsibility and face reality head on...I would have to learn how to do the impossible---handle life in a wheelchair.
...God is not looking for fancy words. He simply wants you to approach Him in spirit and truth.
Often times...we may make a prayer that deep down we know we aren't really all "there". We are saying the words, and we certainly hope that what we ask for happens, whether for us or someone else. Still, we aren't into them---possibly lost in thought over what clothes we plan to wear to church in the morning.
When we talk to God in this way, it is like ordering food someplace while the staff is on their cell phone or possibly deeply engrossed in flirting with the boy standing in the next aisle. They would practically swipe something three or four times if you did not stop them. We aren't really there, our heart is not in the job.
God loves to hear from us...we are His adopted children, and yet so often we act as if we are going to run away if given half the chance. It must hurt Him deeply when we speak a prayer that is either "I don't want to do this but it is my turn" type or the "I am a Christian, and we are supposed to pray" type.
There are times in my life that I simply do not know what to say to my Father. He knows everything, and everything that He allows to happen is the best for me, regardless of how hard it might be. How can I say anything, anything that means anything?
Yet while God has His "mind" made up, and it seems that He changes His mind in the Bible--a controversy that causes a lot of strife---I believe now, after the readings I have made, that the prayers we make then, as Abraham did concerning Lot, allow us to connect on such a deeper level with Him. Not so much that He exactly changes His mind...as it may be He planned to anyway---I cannot say, I am not He. But then there is such a chance for such deep focus on Him, giving us a chance to get ever so much deeper in relationship with Him. He may still say no to whatever it is we ask Him to "change" His mind on...but I have found that when those desperate cries for change, for help, for whatever it may be, are heard, but also come with a great warmth from the Spirit. A warmth that, no matter the answer, makes it easier to live and thrive.
Now then, there is a great risk...because some upon crying with their whole heart, give a large handhold to the evil ones because of their desperation for a "yes" answer. Perhaps, yet I cannot say for certain, are especially those times we say we will do or give anything for the answer to change in "our favor". Upon an apparent "no" answer (or no for the time being....I do not expect to have RA in Paradise) they begin to whisper evilness into the prayer-lifter's ears. "Did God ever say He'd help you? He died for you...yet He won't make your life better now. He doesn't love you"...similar to those things the angel of light whispered to Eve. Lies upon lies. Poison to ever deepening poison. We then take the stance that God does not care for us, even perhaps hates us, for He does not give us what is best.
How are we to know what is best when we cannot see beyond the next breath? We are like children, angered at a parent for not letting us have five candy bars because we want them, knowing the likelihood of something worst happening than our waiting several days for the treats to be spread out upon.
Our Lord will not leave us alone, even in battles which we must compete at and will not be taken from us---such as some illnesses, or even anxiety. These things are horrible, and very trying. Yet consider how faithful He is, keeping us close to Him. Once these battles are won--even chronic illnesses in that we are no longer distressed by them---we become great use to the Lord by being able to help others. We are witnesses by not losing faith in our King, by continuing to fight, even when it seems all hope is gone.
We may at this point think that this is not fair---being used to help others after going through terrible things. What more might we expect? One, it causes us to change and grow and rely upon God in ways we otherwise would not have. Two, we are told that we, as Christians, will take up our Cross to follow Him.
Oswald Chambers discussed the Cross and how we have romanticized the thing. We cry at the idea of His death, that the sentimentality of the thing...but we do not think of the horror of actually being on the cross, the pain or the humiliation. Our taking up the cross and following Him is not just carrying some wood. It is a life of hardships, a life of horror, a life of possible death due to our faith. We sign up for persecution because of our faith.
We have an advantage however...God will help us with our crosses by sending the Counselor. We do not have to carry our burdens alone, unlike our Savior who died alone. (recall someone did carry the cross for Him). We will always have Someone with us, and many times we have others to speak with...Oswald Chambers states that we ought to speak more with each other of the battles we have had and are having in order to assist others.
Be strong in the Lord, absorb His Word, lean on the Spirit, and walk beside our King...ask Him to be near you---you will feel any sin glaring at you that might be keeping you from God. He, however, will never leave you fully, no matter how far away you might run.
The most powerful prayer I ever offered was the shortest. After three depressing years of suicidal despair over my paralysis, I prayed, "God, if I can't die, show me how to live. Please!"
I realized that I had to take on responsibility and face reality head on...I would have to learn how to do the impossible---handle life in a wheelchair.
...God is not looking for fancy words. He simply wants you to approach Him in spirit and truth.
Often times...we may make a prayer that deep down we know we aren't really all "there". We are saying the words, and we certainly hope that what we ask for happens, whether for us or someone else. Still, we aren't into them---possibly lost in thought over what clothes we plan to wear to church in the morning.
When we talk to God in this way, it is like ordering food someplace while the staff is on their cell phone or possibly deeply engrossed in flirting with the boy standing in the next aisle. They would practically swipe something three or four times if you did not stop them. We aren't really there, our heart is not in the job.
God loves to hear from us...we are His adopted children, and yet so often we act as if we are going to run away if given half the chance. It must hurt Him deeply when we speak a prayer that is either "I don't want to do this but it is my turn" type or the "I am a Christian, and we are supposed to pray" type.
There are times in my life that I simply do not know what to say to my Father. He knows everything, and everything that He allows to happen is the best for me, regardless of how hard it might be. How can I say anything, anything that means anything?
Yet while God has His "mind" made up, and it seems that He changes His mind in the Bible--a controversy that causes a lot of strife---I believe now, after the readings I have made, that the prayers we make then, as Abraham did concerning Lot, allow us to connect on such a deeper level with Him. Not so much that He exactly changes His mind...as it may be He planned to anyway---I cannot say, I am not He. But then there is such a chance for such deep focus on Him, giving us a chance to get ever so much deeper in relationship with Him. He may still say no to whatever it is we ask Him to "change" His mind on...but I have found that when those desperate cries for change, for help, for whatever it may be, are heard, but also come with a great warmth from the Spirit. A warmth that, no matter the answer, makes it easier to live and thrive.
Now then, there is a great risk...because some upon crying with their whole heart, give a large handhold to the evil ones because of their desperation for a "yes" answer. Perhaps, yet I cannot say for certain, are especially those times we say we will do or give anything for the answer to change in "our favor". Upon an apparent "no" answer (or no for the time being....I do not expect to have RA in Paradise) they begin to whisper evilness into the prayer-lifter's ears. "Did God ever say He'd help you? He died for you...yet He won't make your life better now. He doesn't love you"...similar to those things the angel of light whispered to Eve. Lies upon lies. Poison to ever deepening poison. We then take the stance that God does not care for us, even perhaps hates us, for He does not give us what is best.
How are we to know what is best when we cannot see beyond the next breath? We are like children, angered at a parent for not letting us have five candy bars because we want them, knowing the likelihood of something worst happening than our waiting several days for the treats to be spread out upon.
Our Lord will not leave us alone, even in battles which we must compete at and will not be taken from us---such as some illnesses, or even anxiety. These things are horrible, and very trying. Yet consider how faithful He is, keeping us close to Him. Once these battles are won--even chronic illnesses in that we are no longer distressed by them---we become great use to the Lord by being able to help others. We are witnesses by not losing faith in our King, by continuing to fight, even when it seems all hope is gone.
We may at this point think that this is not fair---being used to help others after going through terrible things. What more might we expect? One, it causes us to change and grow and rely upon God in ways we otherwise would not have. Two, we are told that we, as Christians, will take up our Cross to follow Him.
Oswald Chambers discussed the Cross and how we have romanticized the thing. We cry at the idea of His death, that the sentimentality of the thing...but we do not think of the horror of actually being on the cross, the pain or the humiliation. Our taking up the cross and following Him is not just carrying some wood. It is a life of hardships, a life of horror, a life of possible death due to our faith. We sign up for persecution because of our faith.
We have an advantage however...God will help us with our crosses by sending the Counselor. We do not have to carry our burdens alone, unlike our Savior who died alone. (recall someone did carry the cross for Him). We will always have Someone with us, and many times we have others to speak with...Oswald Chambers states that we ought to speak more with each other of the battles we have had and are having in order to assist others.
Be strong in the Lord, absorb His Word, lean on the Spirit, and walk beside our King...ask Him to be near you---you will feel any sin glaring at you that might be keeping you from God. He, however, will never leave you fully, no matter how far away you might run.
Friday, October 9, 2015
Updated and Revised
Diamonds in the Sky. J.E. Tada
Is 43.18-21
...oh, how you wish the blessings could go on and on. And now, this year, you want God to do an encore. God, however, may not give it. For although it's true the Lord will never do exactly the same thing a second time, He will do something better. A new thing. He is not satisfied with the updated and revised.
Every time I have had a battle, a growth, in my lifetime...when it is conquered with the help and grace of my Lord, I always have this (stupid) wish that that was the last time. The last time I fought to be faithful, the last time I had to fight fear of that particular sort, the last time I changed.
Now then, the first two of these would probably be great---if faithfulness was no longer distanced from us by our incredible ease at being distracted it would indeed be a positive. Fear being gone would be good as well...that would likely state a good, sturdy relationship with God, as fear does not come from Him.
However. The last hope and wish when we (or at least I) escape a battle is really a poor one. If I was to have stayed the same as I was at the end of the first battle I ever fought alongside God I would have a great many horrible things still deeply engraved on my being. It would be similar to how we notice as a child ages that they begin to miss certain milestones with some diseases. My growth with God would be stale.
The one constant in all of my struggles over the years, throughout the anorexia, anxiety, etc., was that I could always call upon God. There may be a slight delay, depending upon how far from God I was at the moment, how fully I meant the cry for help...but He would always answer and come. He would take me into His arms, provide me with some earthly helpers to physically lean against, and give my spirit rest with His Holy One.
Each battle has left different scars, has shaped me into a vastly different person. One battle worked a lot on anger, another on fear. This one works a lot on patience, learning to do things with a different limitation, being supportive of others with this disease, and still fighting fear---just a different version. And the shaping and molding continues...
God never leaves us alone in our battles. We are only alone if when He offers His grace and love we slam the door by saying we can do it ourselves...the sin that has reigned down since the first two left the Garden. We have to remember to be humble enough to take His gift...because we will take it one way or another. Our battles will get worse as evil presences drag us further from God, creating a near living Hell...and we will have no one to offer strength. I am not saying terrible battles will not happen with a closeness of God, but they are remarkably "easier".
So reach out to God, cry to Him. He loves us each more than I can ever find words to write.
Is 43.18-21
...oh, how you wish the blessings could go on and on. And now, this year, you want God to do an encore. God, however, may not give it. For although it's true the Lord will never do exactly the same thing a second time, He will do something better. A new thing. He is not satisfied with the updated and revised.
Every time I have had a battle, a growth, in my lifetime...when it is conquered with the help and grace of my Lord, I always have this (stupid) wish that that was the last time. The last time I fought to be faithful, the last time I had to fight fear of that particular sort, the last time I changed.
Now then, the first two of these would probably be great---if faithfulness was no longer distanced from us by our incredible ease at being distracted it would indeed be a positive. Fear being gone would be good as well...that would likely state a good, sturdy relationship with God, as fear does not come from Him.
However. The last hope and wish when we (or at least I) escape a battle is really a poor one. If I was to have stayed the same as I was at the end of the first battle I ever fought alongside God I would have a great many horrible things still deeply engraved on my being. It would be similar to how we notice as a child ages that they begin to miss certain milestones with some diseases. My growth with God would be stale.
The one constant in all of my struggles over the years, throughout the anorexia, anxiety, etc., was that I could always call upon God. There may be a slight delay, depending upon how far from God I was at the moment, how fully I meant the cry for help...but He would always answer and come. He would take me into His arms, provide me with some earthly helpers to physically lean against, and give my spirit rest with His Holy One.
Each battle has left different scars, has shaped me into a vastly different person. One battle worked a lot on anger, another on fear. This one works a lot on patience, learning to do things with a different limitation, being supportive of others with this disease, and still fighting fear---just a different version. And the shaping and molding continues...
God never leaves us alone in our battles. We are only alone if when He offers His grace and love we slam the door by saying we can do it ourselves...the sin that has reigned down since the first two left the Garden. We have to remember to be humble enough to take His gift...because we will take it one way or another. Our battles will get worse as evil presences drag us further from God, creating a near living Hell...and we will have no one to offer strength. I am not saying terrible battles will not happen with a closeness of God, but they are remarkably "easier".
So reach out to God, cry to Him. He loves us each more than I can ever find words to write.
RA Post: You Know When It's Too Much....Too Late
Flare is beginning to fire up. Can't say as I am surprised. What I can say is a big shock is that it now takes 1-2 days to hit, rather than the possible hours a few months ago.
I am getting out of control pain, so nearly to the writhing about on the couch-bed, scrubbing my limbs with fists to try and relax the muscles so angered by the swollen joints. My feet are no longer going to fit in any shoe from swelling, and are super hot.
The nausea is setting in. Food still sounds good, until I eat it. Then oh boy. Lay down, don't move, please take some phenergan.
And yet today I wrote on Facebook that I would not go back to my pre RA days. I still wouldn't. Not something I would have said even probably a month ago.
My limitations are still great. I miss many important things and events. But the person I am now is better than the person I have left behind. I am still, as Paul wrote, the worst of the worst...but I am more patient than I have been (Praise you, O Lord!) and I have forgiven many sins against me that I had no idea I still held so clutched in my tight little fist (Thank you, Lord!). Those changes bring great relief to my heart and soul.
I would still love to leave my RA behind. And I expect days when I will be so wounded by hurt and sick of this disease that I will curse it. Today is today, and while I will likely get sicker throughout today, I am very grateful to have changed...how ever slight the change may be
I am getting out of control pain, so nearly to the writhing about on the couch-bed, scrubbing my limbs with fists to try and relax the muscles so angered by the swollen joints. My feet are no longer going to fit in any shoe from swelling, and are super hot.
The nausea is setting in. Food still sounds good, until I eat it. Then oh boy. Lay down, don't move, please take some phenergan.
And yet today I wrote on Facebook that I would not go back to my pre RA days. I still wouldn't. Not something I would have said even probably a month ago.
My limitations are still great. I miss many important things and events. But the person I am now is better than the person I have left behind. I am still, as Paul wrote, the worst of the worst...but I am more patient than I have been (Praise you, O Lord!) and I have forgiven many sins against me that I had no idea I still held so clutched in my tight little fist (Thank you, Lord!). Those changes bring great relief to my heart and soul.
I would still love to leave my RA behind. And I expect days when I will be so wounded by hurt and sick of this disease that I will curse it. Today is today, and while I will likely get sicker throughout today, I am very grateful to have changed...how ever slight the change may be
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Is 43.11-12 comments
I, even I, am the Lord, and apart
from me there is no savior. I have revealed and saved and proclaimed— I,
and not some foreign god among you. You are my witnesses,” declares the
Lord, “that I am God.
Isaiah 43:11-12 NIV
There we are. Written out in glorious Holy Words that He is our Savior...and we are not capable of such a thing.
Yet we continue to dedicate each day to ourselves and our dreams. We will go and do this, we will go and say this, we will go and achieve this. We do not often wake in the morning, bouncing up in prayers that today, this day, we dedicate to our Lord--that we will do what He sets before us as He might wish us to.
In chronic illness that steals away time, and wherein there is little outside-the-home activity...I do not personally wake up in prayer dedicating my day and what happens to me to my King. However, I know that in my small way, in this home, especially when my body allows, I can help with cooking and cleaning and making my family comfortable...and that and my studies are what I believe God would have me do in honor of Him.
Here are Words that say He has done much for us...and we so often give Him the time of day we would give an odd old auntie that we cared about but found distracting from our wants and wishes.
Oh, those wants and wishes are among the gods of today. I see around me the desire for always the newest and best of everything...not waiting or being satisfied with what we have been provided. How often do we recall to thank God for what we do have---a car, a home, food, the chances for medical care, cell phones, etc? They, like the health I had and took for granted, are great gifts...and while most of us would naturally manage without cell phones, there are other things that would deeply crush our spirit and faith. Dreaming for my health, my nursing career and family are the gods for me in this day. There have been many other gods over time, which with God's help I have left behind; the disturbing beings likely picking someone else to attempt to break someone else.
We, with our faith, appear to be that we are to be His witnesses...both in that He saves and loves and is the only God who is. By this end, we should dedicate ourselves to Him in greater depth...in all things consider what the Word says regarding it. The reports I have heard the most from non-believers and deeply hurt Christians who no longer trust others is the hypocrisy we have...we say one thing and do another.
We must continue to develop our faith and relationship with our Lord through study of His Word and the true desire of leaning on Him for strength. With this deepening relationship, as Oswald Chambers has said, we become aware of sins that before were oblivious to us...allowing us to stop such actions. Upon learning of our sins, and the extent to which they poison every aspect of our lives, we can work with our Lord to remove them. We are His ambassadors, and we must, with His Holy Grace, show His love, His leadership and His holiness.
Isaiah 43:11-12 NIV
There we are. Written out in glorious Holy Words that He is our Savior...and we are not capable of such a thing.
Yet we continue to dedicate each day to ourselves and our dreams. We will go and do this, we will go and say this, we will go and achieve this. We do not often wake in the morning, bouncing up in prayers that today, this day, we dedicate to our Lord--that we will do what He sets before us as He might wish us to.
In chronic illness that steals away time, and wherein there is little outside-the-home activity...I do not personally wake up in prayer dedicating my day and what happens to me to my King. However, I know that in my small way, in this home, especially when my body allows, I can help with cooking and cleaning and making my family comfortable...and that and my studies are what I believe God would have me do in honor of Him.
Here are Words that say He has done much for us...and we so often give Him the time of day we would give an odd old auntie that we cared about but found distracting from our wants and wishes.
Oh, those wants and wishes are among the gods of today. I see around me the desire for always the newest and best of everything...not waiting or being satisfied with what we have been provided. How often do we recall to thank God for what we do have---a car, a home, food, the chances for medical care, cell phones, etc? They, like the health I had and took for granted, are great gifts...and while most of us would naturally manage without cell phones, there are other things that would deeply crush our spirit and faith. Dreaming for my health, my nursing career and family are the gods for me in this day. There have been many other gods over time, which with God's help I have left behind; the disturbing beings likely picking someone else to attempt to break someone else.
We, with our faith, appear to be that we are to be His witnesses...both in that He saves and loves and is the only God who is. By this end, we should dedicate ourselves to Him in greater depth...in all things consider what the Word says regarding it. The reports I have heard the most from non-believers and deeply hurt Christians who no longer trust others is the hypocrisy we have...we say one thing and do another.
We must continue to develop our faith and relationship with our Lord through study of His Word and the true desire of leaning on Him for strength. With this deepening relationship, as Oswald Chambers has said, we become aware of sins that before were oblivious to us...allowing us to stop such actions. Upon learning of our sins, and the extent to which they poison every aspect of our lives, we can work with our Lord to remove them. We are His ambassadors, and we must, with His Holy Grace, show His love, His leadership and His holiness.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
RA Post: Surviving the Dentist
I am a rabid dentist hater. Mainly because I find the choking sensation of having twenty million items and fingers in my mouth at once. I mean, come on...who has room for all those things in their mouths, anyway?!
I have been making and canceling appointments with my dentist, who is new for me but I really love, for the last ten months. January, when my 6 month appointment was due, was when I was the most ill. Car rides really made me so nauseated that the idea of riding in a car and then having the 20 million items in my mouth seemed like a terrible idea.
Today I made it. Today I made it into town for the second day in a row...something I have not managed in 14 months. And I even managed to go to stores both days (albeit with much limping and cane/cart leaning). I suspect I shall enter a flare this evening---hope to the good Lord that He will prevent it.
I had the unique experience of entering my dental office and reviewing last year's information. Cross out job, write "currently unable to work". Verify positive for rheumatoid arthritis. Then, when looking at the small slot of three lines for medication, ask receptionist if there is another piece of paper that I can write more medications.
The receptionist looked rather shocked, but supplied me with a piece of copier paper. (Naturally I forgot my rheumatoid arthritis notebook which is updated whenever a med is changed/discontinued). I proceeded to fill out medications.
My RDH was wonderful. She told me to ask for any break needed, kept telling me to close my mouth a little more, and provided a WONDERFUL pillow for my neck. She was super great (and my dentist) about discussing care options for the dry mouth that comes with RA.
They gave me great tips and education on caring for my teeth, and best of all, I went away without any cavities. I was very worried about how I would manage that long of a visit.
I thanked the hygienist profusely for great care and service---knowing as a nurse how nice that is to hear.
Mom and I went to K Mart to get shoes I had ordered for an upcoming wedding. Naturally I need the next size up. The poor girl at the checkout stand thought it needed to be scanned---which had me confused as I had paid when I ordered. So, between two cashiers, myself, and another customer, we concluded that yes, I had already paid for it. Life is sometimes very strange.
Managed to find a great Christmas present, which concludes shopping for one more family member. (I am managing to get done much earlier than ever before...but that is what happens when you wake up in the middle of the night and go Christmas shopping on Amazon) I found some super comfy and cool jammies, which makes me glad for when I have fevered, sweating flare days. Found a GORGEOUS red shirt.
Normally I do not buy anything...but I so rarely go anyplace that I was buying a few fun things.
Yesterday I found a super adorable little stuffed owl, so I added that to my owl collection.
Now I better rest quietly. Bible study or art therapy or a good long nap. Still ecstatic about no cavities. And managing to go to town. Thank you Lord!!
I have been making and canceling appointments with my dentist, who is new for me but I really love, for the last ten months. January, when my 6 month appointment was due, was when I was the most ill. Car rides really made me so nauseated that the idea of riding in a car and then having the 20 million items in my mouth seemed like a terrible idea.
Today I made it. Today I made it into town for the second day in a row...something I have not managed in 14 months. And I even managed to go to stores both days (albeit with much limping and cane/cart leaning). I suspect I shall enter a flare this evening---hope to the good Lord that He will prevent it.
I had the unique experience of entering my dental office and reviewing last year's information. Cross out job, write "currently unable to work". Verify positive for rheumatoid arthritis. Then, when looking at the small slot of three lines for medication, ask receptionist if there is another piece of paper that I can write more medications.
The receptionist looked rather shocked, but supplied me with a piece of copier paper. (Naturally I forgot my rheumatoid arthritis notebook which is updated whenever a med is changed/discontinued). I proceeded to fill out medications.
My RDH was wonderful. She told me to ask for any break needed, kept telling me to close my mouth a little more, and provided a WONDERFUL pillow for my neck. She was super great (and my dentist) about discussing care options for the dry mouth that comes with RA.
They gave me great tips and education on caring for my teeth, and best of all, I went away without any cavities. I was very worried about how I would manage that long of a visit.
I thanked the hygienist profusely for great care and service---knowing as a nurse how nice that is to hear.
Mom and I went to K Mart to get shoes I had ordered for an upcoming wedding. Naturally I need the next size up. The poor girl at the checkout stand thought it needed to be scanned---which had me confused as I had paid when I ordered. So, between two cashiers, myself, and another customer, we concluded that yes, I had already paid for it. Life is sometimes very strange.
Managed to find a great Christmas present, which concludes shopping for one more family member. (I am managing to get done much earlier than ever before...but that is what happens when you wake up in the middle of the night and go Christmas shopping on Amazon) I found some super comfy and cool jammies, which makes me glad for when I have fevered, sweating flare days. Found a GORGEOUS red shirt.
Normally I do not buy anything...but I so rarely go anyplace that I was buying a few fun things.
Yesterday I found a super adorable little stuffed owl, so I added that to my owl collection.
Now I better rest quietly. Bible study or art therapy or a good long nap. Still ecstatic about no cavities. And managing to go to town. Thank you Lord!!
One Another
Finding God. L. Crabb
If we are to find God as He wants to be found, if we are to know Him in a way that frees us to live with joy and purpose and self-control, then we must not work primarily to solve our problems; we must rather cooperate with God's work to disrupt and destroy this fallen structure.
This idea was a rather novel one for me. The idea of not working on a problem we have. I am not certain---as I try to work on stopping my problems /sins with God's help, knowing after the time I have spent working on them alone that really I cannot fix/stop them. So I am a little unsure if I am reading this wrong, and he means to not work on fixing our problems alone or what.
Many times we do work on fixing our sins alone. We don't tell anyone of them (like they don't notice, right?), we don't ask others for ideas...we just try and stop the sin. Again, this does not work.
Our sin nature is very strong. It is fed, after all, by demonic presence, the fallen world we now live in, and our own wicked desire to be a mini-god. It was our desire with demonic presence that drove us to choose against living with God---it only makes sense that that desire and idea still reigns today. Of course we cannot walk away from sin alone.
With God's presence choosing us (predestination by knowing we would pick Him with His touch---I believe He touches everyone regardless, but many of us are not willing to give up our mini-godness and walk away hand-in-hand with Him), we can leave mini-godness alone. Without picking His touch to our own misguided leadership, we cannot battle sin away. Sin will be our Master, even when we manage to tamper it down enough to not be disgustingly obvious. We can "manage" now, when refusing to ask for God's help, to quiet many sins down to a dull roar. But they are always there...many causing great torment, such as anxiety, depression, anger, OCD, PTSD, physical illnesses---self destructive behavior---bulimia, cutting, sexual perversion---sin is always there, always a Master, and an extremely cruel Master.
Now then, if we take God's hand, focus on His good Word, lean on His Holy Spirit, and accept the gift of His Son, we will be better prepared to leave our old Master, Sin, and begin a good journey. With those relationships, we can depend on God to help us take steps to banish Sin. I still think that we must work on Sin, work on leaving it behind, but we can more easily do so with God's great love. With His presence, we have the power to ban demonic presence that may be influencing our sinful nature. With His presence we have His Holy strength to stop sinful behavior...although sinful behavior sometimes takes a lifetime to drop.
We must be ever faithful, asking for help from Him, but also from those about us. Many of us have already won the battle on one or another sin, and can give courage, help, and be an accountable presence for others. We must trust others with our silent battles...because many of those around us are fighting the same hard and good fight. God Himself said it was not good for man to be alone---and that was in the perfect Garden. I think that means, even more so in this broken world, that we need each other. Be willing to help others---and if that is a weakness, ask God (and others) for help. We need God desperately...but we also need each other's shoulders to cry upon, to hold and love and help.
If we are to find God as He wants to be found, if we are to know Him in a way that frees us to live with joy and purpose and self-control, then we must not work primarily to solve our problems; we must rather cooperate with God's work to disrupt and destroy this fallen structure.
This idea was a rather novel one for me. The idea of not working on a problem we have. I am not certain---as I try to work on stopping my problems /sins with God's help, knowing after the time I have spent working on them alone that really I cannot fix/stop them. So I am a little unsure if I am reading this wrong, and he means to not work on fixing our problems alone or what.
Many times we do work on fixing our sins alone. We don't tell anyone of them (like they don't notice, right?), we don't ask others for ideas...we just try and stop the sin. Again, this does not work.
Our sin nature is very strong. It is fed, after all, by demonic presence, the fallen world we now live in, and our own wicked desire to be a mini-god. It was our desire with demonic presence that drove us to choose against living with God---it only makes sense that that desire and idea still reigns today. Of course we cannot walk away from sin alone.
With God's presence choosing us (predestination by knowing we would pick Him with His touch---I believe He touches everyone regardless, but many of us are not willing to give up our mini-godness and walk away hand-in-hand with Him), we can leave mini-godness alone. Without picking His touch to our own misguided leadership, we cannot battle sin away. Sin will be our Master, even when we manage to tamper it down enough to not be disgustingly obvious. We can "manage" now, when refusing to ask for God's help, to quiet many sins down to a dull roar. But they are always there...many causing great torment, such as anxiety, depression, anger, OCD, PTSD, physical illnesses---self destructive behavior---bulimia, cutting, sexual perversion---sin is always there, always a Master, and an extremely cruel Master.
Now then, if we take God's hand, focus on His good Word, lean on His Holy Spirit, and accept the gift of His Son, we will be better prepared to leave our old Master, Sin, and begin a good journey. With those relationships, we can depend on God to help us take steps to banish Sin. I still think that we must work on Sin, work on leaving it behind, but we can more easily do so with God's great love. With His presence, we have the power to ban demonic presence that may be influencing our sinful nature. With His presence we have His Holy strength to stop sinful behavior...although sinful behavior sometimes takes a lifetime to drop.
We must be ever faithful, asking for help from Him, but also from those about us. Many of us have already won the battle on one or another sin, and can give courage, help, and be an accountable presence for others. We must trust others with our silent battles...because many of those around us are fighting the same hard and good fight. God Himself said it was not good for man to be alone---and that was in the perfect Garden. I think that means, even more so in this broken world, that we need each other. Be willing to help others---and if that is a weakness, ask God (and others) for help. We need God desperately...but we also need each other's shoulders to cry upon, to hold and love and help.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
RA Post: Modes of Ambulation or Probable Stethoscope Hanging up
This morning I sit, prepping to go to a doctor appointment, my Gra'ma's cane sitting beside me.
It is hard to be in your twenties and use a cane. It is hard to walk through stores, grabbing whatever seems like it will take five pounds so you can stabilize yourself.
I am considering getting a 4 wheeled walker. One with the little basket and the little seat. If I figure out how to feel horrible and go to town successfully....I have to get that then I have to get a disability parking sticker. Not because it is required but because those hard surfaces kill me. I will be limping so bad I look like someone with a badly done hip replacement. Enough that people clear aisles for me (one positive point there, let me tell ya). I need a short walk and a place to sit suddenly.
Around here is a little better. I can just sit wherever, and if I am outside, I am on the grass/garden which is soft.
I figure that I am hanging up my stethoscope. While I hope to go back into nursing, with the level of illness I have been at, having been home and bed bound nearly 100% of the time for over a year, and my disease is still progressing some....I am hanging it up. I do not think, at this point in my life, God has physically nursing type jobs for me. Maybe this paper I am working on writing to prove some autoimmune medical treatments need change is the purpose for my having gone to nursing school. I want things to have a purpose for God------and I know everything does. It is just confusing to be almost forced into the nursing career and then have that very solidly pulled out from under me.
We all go through this, though. Not necessarily waking up in horrible pain, but life suddenly takes a U turn with an immediate sharp right faster than we can even say "what? where?"
God is in control. Things may happen by His permission as asked for by the evil ones...yet they are given limits. He allows these things, these violent changes in our lives to create a violent change in us. Most people hate change, and will not give up anything if given the chance to stay where they are.
I am a completely different person. I feel so much older than I did before I was ill. The person I was, and the person I am now would be complete strangers side by side. I actually really like this new person. I have had to learn to not get upset and be upset for very long (causes flares), to be more patient, to stop anxiety and depression (also causes flares) and to handle my worst fear: being chronically ill. In that regard, I do consider my RA to be a blessing. I am so grateful for many things in my life now, and so grateful to my Lord for holding me.
It is hard to be in your twenties and use a cane. It is hard to walk through stores, grabbing whatever seems like it will take five pounds so you can stabilize yourself.
I am considering getting a 4 wheeled walker. One with the little basket and the little seat. If I figure out how to feel horrible and go to town successfully....I have to get that then I have to get a disability parking sticker. Not because it is required but because those hard surfaces kill me. I will be limping so bad I look like someone with a badly done hip replacement. Enough that people clear aisles for me (one positive point there, let me tell ya). I need a short walk and a place to sit suddenly.
Around here is a little better. I can just sit wherever, and if I am outside, I am on the grass/garden which is soft.
I figure that I am hanging up my stethoscope. While I hope to go back into nursing, with the level of illness I have been at, having been home and bed bound nearly 100% of the time for over a year, and my disease is still progressing some....I am hanging it up. I do not think, at this point in my life, God has physically nursing type jobs for me. Maybe this paper I am working on writing to prove some autoimmune medical treatments need change is the purpose for my having gone to nursing school. I want things to have a purpose for God------and I know everything does. It is just confusing to be almost forced into the nursing career and then have that very solidly pulled out from under me.
We all go through this, though. Not necessarily waking up in horrible pain, but life suddenly takes a U turn with an immediate sharp right faster than we can even say "what? where?"
God is in control. Things may happen by His permission as asked for by the evil ones...yet they are given limits. He allows these things, these violent changes in our lives to create a violent change in us. Most people hate change, and will not give up anything if given the chance to stay where they are.
I am a completely different person. I feel so much older than I did before I was ill. The person I was, and the person I am now would be complete strangers side by side. I actually really like this new person. I have had to learn to not get upset and be upset for very long (causes flares), to be more patient, to stop anxiety and depression (also causes flares) and to handle my worst fear: being chronically ill. In that regard, I do consider my RA to be a blessing. I am so grateful for many things in my life now, and so grateful to my Lord for holding me.
Selfish Beyond All Measure
Spirit Filled Life. C. Stanley
We are inescapably selfish. Awareness of God's forgiveness makes us gratefully amazed that we are accepted by Someone who sees us at our worst.
We aren't always amazed. We often have that creeping evilness that makes us think, "Well, I deserved my salvation. Much more than Larry over there. He cheated. On his wife of only two years." Or "I do so much for missions work, obviously I am a good person."
We make lists and lists and more lists of how wonderful we are. Mentally, I assume, as wandering about talking to yourself and verbally bashing other people really gets odd looks. I have walked past people just talking to myself---not verbally bashing anyone that I recall. Oh dear... We compare and rate ourselves to everyone we know, and in this tech age, people we don't know! We are kinder, we are more generous! They are wrong! They lied! It goes on and on.
We spend large amounts of time attempting to prove to others that we are as wonderful as we think we should be. That we are worthy of their praise. (Mini-god syndrome or what?!). We cry out of our struggles with adultery, lying and stealing.
We do not cry out bout things that we are doing wrong: we do not speak of being in a clique, or the slight fact that we fibbed on the 10% tithe, or that we pickpocket, have porn DVDs in the closet at home or other sexual items that are not practicing that action the way God had intended. In these instances, our selfishness has taken on a new monstrous form, managing to even more cleverly hide itself as a good thing.
So what are we to do then? How do we improve?
We really are the most selfish beings. Nearly everything that happens, we can rig a way to make it someone else's fault. We failed a test; the teacher was a terrible teacher. We ran over and killed a dog; the people were stupid and did not have a fence for their stupid dog. We got sicker on a medication; the doctor should be sued because they are an idiot. The list can go on and on
We demand, with all these desires of being perfect, to be loved. To be accepted, to be normal. To reach these ends....we will go to any length of sin. We must be loved! At all costs!
It really is no wonder we are so desperate to be loved. With the loss of the Garden, we also lost the feeling of God's perfect and endless love. It is truly that love that we try and recreate by the aforementioned things, and many others you can probably picture that fit in your own mind. When we know that we are trying to fill a God-sized whole, maybe during the recent loss of a loved one, hurtful words and/or actions of a dear friend, being fired from a position that seemed like everyone was satsified with your work....we finally know that nothing can fill it but God.
When I was an awkward teenager, terrified of 90% of anything, and 75% of the things the other kids wanted to do---camping trips with youth group, sleepovers for the girls at church, bus rides to some-or-another place---made me seem pathetic, spoiled, and whiny to the other teens, they being lost in their own concerns.
However, whatever the reason, I became and outcast and a bit of a recluse. I gave up going to vountary things because it was too painful to be at an event and stand in the corner by myself. There was such a hole in my heart and spirit. The stress of this time was beginning to mess with my high school homework and eating. By the 10th grade, I refused to go to church.
I studied God at home, found books about God for teens at my counselors' office, did Bible Studies at the womens' Bible Study group. (helps being homeschooled!)
God was filling that whole for me. I had a cross necklace I wore...and if a panic attack hit me, or I was just scared, I squeezed that poor cross hard enough to leave endents in my palm. I imagined I was hugging Him, or holding His hand. It was the only way for me to face the terrifying.
Once God was more settled into my heart, because of my focus....He began to bring things to mind. Things that would have come to my mind, but only so I could rehash how I was so right, the other person so wrong.
There is a major difference when God brings our selfishness to life. He brings to mind the same image you always had before when mulling over something. The difference is, His Spirit asks you softly about it. That softness starts making us squirm, even want to hide. Maybe even try and explain and then slowly peter out....all we see is blatant sin. Evilness that now looks as if we had been zombies running about, inflicting pain on others. We had been taken over, by allowing the prince of the world to tempt us into not being in God's presence---just like Adam and Eve. We didn't need God.
We do friends. Not just so we don't hurt the people we know, but so that we aren't hurtin ourselves with things that do not need to be said and apologized more than once.
We are very selfish. We have such self love. All we need is the love of our Father, and then we have more love than we woul ever hope to dream about.
Now, thank the Lord, that with our salvation, He gives us the Counselor to help now, giving us a glimpse at His total love---the love that we will experience with such overwhelming fullness at the end of this age.
We are inescapably selfish. Awareness of God's forgiveness makes us gratefully amazed that we are accepted by Someone who sees us at our worst.
We aren't always amazed. We often have that creeping evilness that makes us think, "Well, I deserved my salvation. Much more than Larry over there. He cheated. On his wife of only two years." Or "I do so much for missions work, obviously I am a good person."
We make lists and lists and more lists of how wonderful we are. Mentally, I assume, as wandering about talking to yourself and verbally bashing other people really gets odd looks. I have walked past people just talking to myself---not verbally bashing anyone that I recall. Oh dear... We compare and rate ourselves to everyone we know, and in this tech age, people we don't know! We are kinder, we are more generous! They are wrong! They lied! It goes on and on.
We spend large amounts of time attempting to prove to others that we are as wonderful as we think we should be. That we are worthy of their praise. (Mini-god syndrome or what?!). We cry out of our struggles with adultery, lying and stealing.
We do not cry out bout things that we are doing wrong: we do not speak of being in a clique, or the slight fact that we fibbed on the 10% tithe, or that we pickpocket, have porn DVDs in the closet at home or other sexual items that are not practicing that action the way God had intended. In these instances, our selfishness has taken on a new monstrous form, managing to even more cleverly hide itself as a good thing.
So what are we to do then? How do we improve?
We really are the most selfish beings. Nearly everything that happens, we can rig a way to make it someone else's fault. We failed a test; the teacher was a terrible teacher. We ran over and killed a dog; the people were stupid and did not have a fence for their stupid dog. We got sicker on a medication; the doctor should be sued because they are an idiot. The list can go on and on
We demand, with all these desires of being perfect, to be loved. To be accepted, to be normal. To reach these ends....we will go to any length of sin. We must be loved! At all costs!
It really is no wonder we are so desperate to be loved. With the loss of the Garden, we also lost the feeling of God's perfect and endless love. It is truly that love that we try and recreate by the aforementioned things, and many others you can probably picture that fit in your own mind. When we know that we are trying to fill a God-sized whole, maybe during the recent loss of a loved one, hurtful words and/or actions of a dear friend, being fired from a position that seemed like everyone was satsified with your work....we finally know that nothing can fill it but God.
When I was an awkward teenager, terrified of 90% of anything, and 75% of the things the other kids wanted to do---camping trips with youth group, sleepovers for the girls at church, bus rides to some-or-another place---made me seem pathetic, spoiled, and whiny to the other teens, they being lost in their own concerns.
However, whatever the reason, I became and outcast and a bit of a recluse. I gave up going to vountary things because it was too painful to be at an event and stand in the corner by myself. There was such a hole in my heart and spirit. The stress of this time was beginning to mess with my high school homework and eating. By the 10th grade, I refused to go to church.
I studied God at home, found books about God for teens at my counselors' office, did Bible Studies at the womens' Bible Study group. (helps being homeschooled!)
God was filling that whole for me. I had a cross necklace I wore...and if a panic attack hit me, or I was just scared, I squeezed that poor cross hard enough to leave endents in my palm. I imagined I was hugging Him, or holding His hand. It was the only way for me to face the terrifying.
Once God was more settled into my heart, because of my focus....He began to bring things to mind. Things that would have come to my mind, but only so I could rehash how I was so right, the other person so wrong.
There is a major difference when God brings our selfishness to life. He brings to mind the same image you always had before when mulling over something. The difference is, His Spirit asks you softly about it. That softness starts making us squirm, even want to hide. Maybe even try and explain and then slowly peter out....all we see is blatant sin. Evilness that now looks as if we had been zombies running about, inflicting pain on others. We had been taken over, by allowing the prince of the world to tempt us into not being in God's presence---just like Adam and Eve. We didn't need God.
We do friends. Not just so we don't hurt the people we know, but so that we aren't hurtin ourselves with things that do not need to be said and apologized more than once.
We are very selfish. We have such self love. All we need is the love of our Father, and then we have more love than we woul ever hope to dream about.
Now, thank the Lord, that with our salvation, He gives us the Counselor to help now, giving us a glimpse at His total love---the love that we will experience with such overwhelming fullness at the end of this age.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
RA Post: What does RA pain feel like?
RA Post: What does RA pain feel like?
RA pain feels very similar to a broken bone, or badly sprained joint. The pain is deep in whichever joints affected and radiating, often feeling as if it "flowing" alongside the bones. The pain can be dull, stabbing, or sharp; often it feels like shards of glass in the smaller joints, and the dull, deep ache in larger joints for me. F or several years before my first big flare in Aug 2014, I had sat and rubbed with fingers around the patella cap (knee cap) edges, wishing I could rub deeper into the joint. I also would be rubbing my hands and fingers together, trying to soothe away this deep ache.
The ache is sometimes flu-like, especially during flares when more joints are actively annoyed.
Because of the large amounts of swelling and irritation, muscle spasms are quite common. I get them especially on the quad muscle on the outside of the leg. At times, this muscle is so hard it feels like pressing onto a piece of wood. Heat will relieve this to a point, but muscle relaxant medications are longer lasting and more efficient. Movement will help if the spasm is mild, but the stronger spasms do not relax much with movement. If anything the movement makes the muscle spasm worse.
Pain will often diminish with gentle, determined movement, as the "stiffness" of swelling is slowly worked out--however, when movement ceases, the stiffness returns. Sometimes this stiffness returns within minutes of no longer being mobile, other times it may be an hour or two. This stiffness often feels "heavy", as if the joints themselves weigh more than the muscles and bones around them.
Most days, stiffness will resolve anywhere from 1/2 hour to 2 hours after getting up...however, some days the stiffness/heaviness does not resolve.
That is the best description of pain I can think of. Please email me (located on the right side of screen in the lower half of the right panel) with any questions you might have regarding this or any other symptom. All other questions or comments gladly welcomed.
RA pain feels very similar to a broken bone, or badly sprained joint. The pain is deep in whichever joints affected and radiating, often feeling as if it "flowing" alongside the bones. The pain can be dull, stabbing, or sharp; often it feels like shards of glass in the smaller joints, and the dull, deep ache in larger joints for me. F or several years before my first big flare in Aug 2014, I had sat and rubbed with fingers around the patella cap (knee cap) edges, wishing I could rub deeper into the joint. I also would be rubbing my hands and fingers together, trying to soothe away this deep ache.
The ache is sometimes flu-like, especially during flares when more joints are actively annoyed.
Because of the large amounts of swelling and irritation, muscle spasms are quite common. I get them especially on the quad muscle on the outside of the leg. At times, this muscle is so hard it feels like pressing onto a piece of wood. Heat will relieve this to a point, but muscle relaxant medications are longer lasting and more efficient. Movement will help if the spasm is mild, but the stronger spasms do not relax much with movement. If anything the movement makes the muscle spasm worse.
Pain will often diminish with gentle, determined movement, as the "stiffness" of swelling is slowly worked out--however, when movement ceases, the stiffness returns. Sometimes this stiffness returns within minutes of no longer being mobile, other times it may be an hour or two. This stiffness often feels "heavy", as if the joints themselves weigh more than the muscles and bones around them.
Most days, stiffness will resolve anywhere from 1/2 hour to 2 hours after getting up...however, some days the stiffness/heaviness does not resolve.
That is the best description of pain I can think of. Please email me (located on the right side of screen in the lower half of the right panel) with any questions you might have regarding this or any other symptom. All other questions or comments gladly welcomed.
Waves of Delight
C.S. Lewis: "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
Considering what I have seen and heard in life--whether more directly in my own, or in others-- life is filled with holes that no experience can satisfy on earth.
We try, oh, how we try. We spend years trying to fill a chasm. Even when we have the knowledge, have accepted that there is a God, there is a Savior, there is a Counselor, even then...we stagger on, choosing shallow, short lived joys. These joys can hardly even be called "joys", for our emotional response is anything but joy. We have a mild uprising of a positive "feelings", but they are tainted, as if someone has salted our drink rather than sweetened it.
These feelings are so short-lived, so intoxicatingly desperate for us to recreate that we do anything to get even close to that sensation.
We obviously do not belong here. Neither does the rest of life on this spinning, broken planet. It really, scientifically speaking, makes little sense that we actually get sick and die. If everything worked just a hair better, the body should not age. To me, it is obvious that at one time we could have live forever. Sin, sin passes through the generations, in my opinion, as learned behavior but also through the genetic code---leading to the disease rampage in the world. Most any disease will be linked in part to heritage.
We do not belong here. The world itself screams out in labor pains to me. I look about, at the beauty I do see, and while the image is clear, I figure how broken the beauty we now see must be compared to what it was.
Can you imagine if the beautiful views of our world were more beautiful? If the gloriousness of waterfalls, aurora borealis, star-lit nights, trees in the wind, fall colors, gorgeous flowers were actually dull in comparison to what they were supposed to be? It would not surprise me...especially if they too are longing to be in the glory of the presence of the King.
Imagine being forced from the Garden, from the presence of God, your Father, into a world that seemed black and white in color comparison. While we wanted that, and would all choose that mini-godhood if given half the chance, it must have been quite devastating to see the world without God.
We know no different. The world is so often without God---wars, devastation, horrible and terrible things. Yet...yet I feel that when God's great Spirit is alive within me, when His love surrounds me in near palpable intensity by our combined efforts to be close to each other....that everything I see is brighter, more wonderful. And I note often that when I am joyfully exhilarated at the wonders of creation, I feel the joy of the Lord.
I believe that was part of our original purpose: to enjoy, with our God, the glories of His creation---to glorify Him by our wonder and amazement. How else is it that people feel better, and have fewer "issues" when watching such things? Others would say it was because we were not focusing on stressful things, we were going back to our evolutionary roots, etc., etc. Yet I cannot see any example of anything besides people who enjoy with such relish the world and wonders.
Until such time as we see creation constantly in its' full newness of creation, like Adam and Eve, we must be in good commune with our Father. This is a two Person/person effort, like any relationship we might have---except this one will often have someone in the evil ones department attempting to poison and sabotage it. That, besides our own (stupid) pride makes this relationship building difficult. Ask your Father for help, demand of yourself that this relationship is all-important by forcing, if needed, Word absorption by study, and really just being determined that the King is the most important Person and Being ever and ever. This is very hard to make stick in our minds and souls, as Pride tells us every minute and moment of life that we are so wonderful it is just amazing! So ask God for help, pray often, be "still" often...focus on relying on God for everything all the time. I find that having His great arms around me, helping me "walk" through this world---in fact, the world often seems to just fade away as the glory of God sends waves of delight at His very nature.
Considering what I have seen and heard in life--whether more directly in my own, or in others-- life is filled with holes that no experience can satisfy on earth.
We try, oh, how we try. We spend years trying to fill a chasm. Even when we have the knowledge, have accepted that there is a God, there is a Savior, there is a Counselor, even then...we stagger on, choosing shallow, short lived joys. These joys can hardly even be called "joys", for our emotional response is anything but joy. We have a mild uprising of a positive "feelings", but they are tainted, as if someone has salted our drink rather than sweetened it.
These feelings are so short-lived, so intoxicatingly desperate for us to recreate that we do anything to get even close to that sensation.
We obviously do not belong here. Neither does the rest of life on this spinning, broken planet. It really, scientifically speaking, makes little sense that we actually get sick and die. If everything worked just a hair better, the body should not age. To me, it is obvious that at one time we could have live forever. Sin, sin passes through the generations, in my opinion, as learned behavior but also through the genetic code---leading to the disease rampage in the world. Most any disease will be linked in part to heritage.
We do not belong here. The world itself screams out in labor pains to me. I look about, at the beauty I do see, and while the image is clear, I figure how broken the beauty we now see must be compared to what it was.
Can you imagine if the beautiful views of our world were more beautiful? If the gloriousness of waterfalls, aurora borealis, star-lit nights, trees in the wind, fall colors, gorgeous flowers were actually dull in comparison to what they were supposed to be? It would not surprise me...especially if they too are longing to be in the glory of the presence of the King.
Imagine being forced from the Garden, from the presence of God, your Father, into a world that seemed black and white in color comparison. While we wanted that, and would all choose that mini-godhood if given half the chance, it must have been quite devastating to see the world without God.
We know no different. The world is so often without God---wars, devastation, horrible and terrible things. Yet...yet I feel that when God's great Spirit is alive within me, when His love surrounds me in near palpable intensity by our combined efforts to be close to each other....that everything I see is brighter, more wonderful. And I note often that when I am joyfully exhilarated at the wonders of creation, I feel the joy of the Lord.
I believe that was part of our original purpose: to enjoy, with our God, the glories of His creation---to glorify Him by our wonder and amazement. How else is it that people feel better, and have fewer "issues" when watching such things? Others would say it was because we were not focusing on stressful things, we were going back to our evolutionary roots, etc., etc. Yet I cannot see any example of anything besides people who enjoy with such relish the world and wonders.
Until such time as we see creation constantly in its' full newness of creation, like Adam and Eve, we must be in good commune with our Father. This is a two Person/person effort, like any relationship we might have---except this one will often have someone in the evil ones department attempting to poison and sabotage it. That, besides our own (stupid) pride makes this relationship building difficult. Ask your Father for help, demand of yourself that this relationship is all-important by forcing, if needed, Word absorption by study, and really just being determined that the King is the most important Person and Being ever and ever. This is very hard to make stick in our minds and souls, as Pride tells us every minute and moment of life that we are so wonderful it is just amazing! So ask God for help, pray often, be "still" often...focus on relying on God for everything all the time. I find that having His great arms around me, helping me "walk" through this world---in fact, the world often seems to just fade away as the glory of God sends waves of delight at His very nature.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Blessed
Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
And blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
I'll turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Oh, blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say, Lord
Blessed be Your name, Lord
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say, Lord
Blessed be Your name, Lord
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say, Lord
Blessed be Your name
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say, Lord
Blessed be Your name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say, Lord
Blessed be Your name
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say, Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name, I'll find a way to say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name, I'll find a way to say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name, from the risin' of the sun over us
To the settin' of the same, though there's pain in the offering
Oh, blessed be Your name
Blessed be, blessed be, blessed be Your Holy name
To the settin' of the same, though there's pain in the offering
Oh, blessed be Your name
Blessed be, blessed be, blessed be Your Holy name
Thursday, October 1, 2015
True Passion
Finding God. L. Crabb
True passion for our Lord is a work of the Holy Spirit....God's Spirit gives us a fuller experience of Christ to the degree that we are willing to face terrifying truths about ourselves and life. Truths that will either destroy us or drive us to trust the Lord.
We all fear that life is intolerable and overwhelming, but we don't want to admit it. To do so would require a terrifying dependence on God.
People often squawk about the fact God has predestined us. Yes, I believe He does that. I also thoroughly believe, without any ill-stirring in my soul, that the Creator of all things knows who will stay with Him.
Think of the friendships and family members you have. You know which ones accept you pretty much fully for who you are....and then there are the people who only tolerate you because you are "family" or it is the "godly" thing to do...and finally the sort that would trip you up when you were using crutches. Somehow, without even knowing the person very long, you usually know who is for you and who is against.
So most certainly the God who knows all, Creator, Alpha and Omega, will know which of us would want to choose Him.
So then the Spirit. Oh, praise God He gives us His Spirit. We, who did not see the Savior, get to have His strong, loving Spirit right there, gently leading us, nudging us in ways God wants us to go. (Naturally one must be certain that the nudges are truly from Him, and not from the prince of liars---we must test all to be certain it is from God, that it matches His holy nature). His sweet Spirit, oh, words fail me. These heavy days, sleepless nights, waves of pain, eddies of nausea, His Spirit is what I cling to, His Spirit is what sends relief, eases my illness for a time, smooths my hair like a beloved parent watching concernedly over His ill child. Why my own illness, trials, and hardships have been necessary---what other terrifying things may hit---I cannot say. I do not understand that. I do know that God never leaves us for an instant.
I admit life is terrible. I have admitted that for many years. Without the hope of God's arms holding me, loving me, it would be an unbearable thing to state. It is wickedly true, the brokenness of the world, and its apparently worsening state as generations pass on sins upon sins...we really must admit that the world is broken, screaming out in agony. Then we must admit that the only way to walk forward in this world, and not hide under a kitchen table with a stockpile of our favorite form of drug (porn, drugs, spending, etc.,etc.,) in an attempt to numb themselves, is to put our hope in the Lord. Fully. Beg for help to believe, like the father asking for healing for his child. We believe, yet wicked doubt creeps in with fear...so dig in deeply, my reader. Hold onto your King with the grip of one drowning, and He will pull you out, and walk beside you. I imagine Him walking, arm around us as we sob, looking into our turned down face with such love...love as can never be seen here on earth. Hang onto Him, as He longs to hold onto you.
True passion for our Lord is a work of the Holy Spirit....God's Spirit gives us a fuller experience of Christ to the degree that we are willing to face terrifying truths about ourselves and life. Truths that will either destroy us or drive us to trust the Lord.
We all fear that life is intolerable and overwhelming, but we don't want to admit it. To do so would require a terrifying dependence on God.
People often squawk about the fact God has predestined us. Yes, I believe He does that. I also thoroughly believe, without any ill-stirring in my soul, that the Creator of all things knows who will stay with Him.
Think of the friendships and family members you have. You know which ones accept you pretty much fully for who you are....and then there are the people who only tolerate you because you are "family" or it is the "godly" thing to do...and finally the sort that would trip you up when you were using crutches. Somehow, without even knowing the person very long, you usually know who is for you and who is against.
So most certainly the God who knows all, Creator, Alpha and Omega, will know which of us would want to choose Him.
So then the Spirit. Oh, praise God He gives us His Spirit. We, who did not see the Savior, get to have His strong, loving Spirit right there, gently leading us, nudging us in ways God wants us to go. (Naturally one must be certain that the nudges are truly from Him, and not from the prince of liars---we must test all to be certain it is from God, that it matches His holy nature). His sweet Spirit, oh, words fail me. These heavy days, sleepless nights, waves of pain, eddies of nausea, His Spirit is what I cling to, His Spirit is what sends relief, eases my illness for a time, smooths my hair like a beloved parent watching concernedly over His ill child. Why my own illness, trials, and hardships have been necessary---what other terrifying things may hit---I cannot say. I do not understand that. I do know that God never leaves us for an instant.
I admit life is terrible. I have admitted that for many years. Without the hope of God's arms holding me, loving me, it would be an unbearable thing to state. It is wickedly true, the brokenness of the world, and its apparently worsening state as generations pass on sins upon sins...we really must admit that the world is broken, screaming out in agony. Then we must admit that the only way to walk forward in this world, and not hide under a kitchen table with a stockpile of our favorite form of drug (porn, drugs, spending, etc.,etc.,) in an attempt to numb themselves, is to put our hope in the Lord. Fully. Beg for help to believe, like the father asking for healing for his child. We believe, yet wicked doubt creeps in with fear...so dig in deeply, my reader. Hold onto your King with the grip of one drowning, and He will pull you out, and walk beside you. I imagine Him walking, arm around us as we sob, looking into our turned down face with such love...love as can never be seen here on earth. Hang onto Him, as He longs to hold onto you.
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