Harder and More Impossible Than Before

Bible Ethics---Oswald Chambers

If the "Oughts" of the Old Testament were difficult to obey, Our Lord's teaching is unfathomably more difficult...Jesus Christ does not simply say "Thou shalt not do certain things," He demands that we have such a condition of heart that we never even think of doing them, every thought and imagination of heart is to be unblamable in the sight of God....The purity God demands is impossible unless we are re-made from within.

I was stunned and thrilled to find this in my book. I had always thought that His statement of fulfilling the law did not, as He said, abolish the law. I have often heard that verse half used and out of context...to state that we do not have to do anything. We are merely forgiven; our only task is to love one another and God. And, I do agree that that is a summation of the Law, I do not think that it thus negates the Law to non-existence. What He said, He meant. 

While I do not think that anyone could ever (besides Christ Himself) manage to achieve half of the laws, I do think that this more stringent look is true. We cannot control our thoughts. We misjudge someone at the grocery checkout, and think badly of them---it could be considered sinful that I was unsure of the doctor's office receptionist.

If we are not merely supposed to control our actions, but our very thoughts and imagination, what a mess we truly are in the silent recesses of our minds. Among the dirtiest and nastiest things, I imagine, if all of our cross thoughts were lined up from our normal to "bad" days. I would hate to have to read my own list...
The Spirit is indeed a Counselor---with His help, if we listen, we can been turned away from some thoughts, and have the assistance needed to attempt to not think things we should not. It is, however, extraordinarily easy to ignore the nudgings of the Spirit and continue onward in our spiral of sinful thinking. The more we ignore and tell God we know what we are doing, that what we are doing is not "hurting" anyone----but ourselves and God---the easier it is to continue to do so, and with more frequency. I always have loved the Shakespearean line: Oh, what fools these Mortals be. We ever continue to tell ourselves that we are rightful in our actions and thought...
Let us therefore strive with God's help to be silently holier; to think and imagine less evil and to dwell more on His being.

RA Post: Oh, sure, why not?

Apparently I decided that over the holiday was a good time to get a bladder infection. I tried the whole cranberry juice (extract in pill form, as I had some) and Vitamin C to the hilt. No go. 
So this AM I decided to stop waiting to see my primary, and go to the local walk-in. 
Oh, my aching shod feet. Two hours sitting just in the waiting room. Ironically, more than half the people in there were there for the same reason I was. Still not really sure what took so long...

Now I get to argue with somebody, as well. The receptionist was DEAD SURE I still have three hundred and some cents to go before my deductible. Maybe as a group, but my individual was met months ago---haven't paid a single dime for any dr appointments nor medication. Even today's antibiotics did not cost me. I did not want to stand and argue with the receptionist...because quite frankly I was concerned she would put me further down the list to be seen. I don't usually think that of people, but she was a bit hot about that topic. I imagine she gets "yelled" at a lot; so I will deal from it from my end. 

So here's to antibiotics. Here's to having to stop all my RA treatments until infection free. Hope that it stay amiably quiet for the next holiday run.

RA Post: Thanksgiving

Pretty good Thanksgiving---actually was well enough (praise God!) to go to my MIL's house for a lovely time of food, talk and laughter. 
Oh, I was so pleased to have gone. I am quite tired today, and have sore feet. I should have kicked my shoes off. Apparently. 
Still had a marvelous time. I can't believe that I actually made it. I have not made it that far to visit in a year and some.

Puppy Post: Day One

Well, we have schnauzers in the house---mini schnauzers. Have for about two years. We had bred Mom's dog, Gracie, and last night was spent in doggie obstetrics. We have one live puppy; the litter was two, with one being dead. It is quite common to have one or more deceased in a litter of pups.

Gracie did not appreciate this activity in the least, and told us so.

The puppy is a dark brown female with white markings. Stronger and eating well.

What I Believe vs What I Think...And How That Changes

God: as He longs for you.   Ingrim

What you think about God shapes your whole relationship with Him. What you believe God thinks about you determines how close you will grow toward Him.

I remember being a child, one who grew up in church and Sunday school, who saw her parents and sisters doing God-related lifestyle choices. God was real, God was important. I was puzzled immensely by the order to fear God, as many verses say...and I was ridden with guilt because I didn't know if I loved God. I believed in Him, most certainly....but those other things bothered and confused me. 
The more time passed, I came to think that fear was a fear of respect. Surely the Creator was deserving of respect, a reverence, honor. I began to realize that my trying to be afraid of God was not perhaps what was wanted, but the similar fear I might have for a parent, or some other adult authority figure---a much more higher being. 
Since my attempted reverent fear was gone, I was able to then see more and more how God loved me, how He was there for me, even in the littlest of things. I realized one day that I did indeed love God, and how vastly different my relationship was. It is again different, and again many other ways and times. Ever growing. 
The more time we spend with God, the Word, the more we find and learning about Him. This further changes how we think and believe some things, and continues to change in us.  It is wonderful for us to grow in God, to have a deeper relationship with Him. 

Live, and These Things You Will Do

Diamonds in the Dust. J.E. Tada

The law says do these things and live, but the Gospel says live, and these things you will do. The law demands holiness, but the Gospel gives holiness. The law makes blessings the result of obedience, but the Gospel makes obedience the result of blessing. 

Overall a nice sentiment---although I differ on the last sentence. Our commandment is to love God and love others, so thus we must have some obedience at least; we are blessed with eternal life by accepting and believing in the One He sent, and following His command that we should love and believe in Him. 
While I certainly am not at all perfect, fail in numerous respects to follow loving all, etc., I do not think that obedience is the result of blessing. Perhaps in some instances, yes, such as times when one unbeliever makes a desperate plea, is indeed blessed, and begins in earnest to follow Him.
I think that obedience is the result of love. Loving our King and wanting to please Him as we can. I am blessed in many, many ways, and I am extraordinarily grateful for that...but my obedience to God has not come because I have seen my blessings and feel I must obey God.
Few people obey whole-heartedly to the commands of someone that they dislike, or even do not trust. People listen to people that they trust, or at least respect enough to warrant obedience. 

Now, we can also look at this statement as through the blessing is that of salvation, and then we obey---and that I would consider likely. This thought would more fully explain obedience to God as one grows in Christ. I think that many of us do not exactly "love" God when we first believe...our knowledge and experience of God is naive; we do not know Who this Person is, nor what is expected of us. 
As our knowledge and personal experience with God grows, so does our love. We see His great love for us, and begin to develop a deeper relationship with Him.  As the Spirit fills us, teaches us and we follow, we will likely follow commandments because we are with Him and know that what we do is right or wrong. We honestly have a rather terrible sense of right and wrong, and without the Spirit's guidance, we fail miserably at obeying any of God's wishes.

Life to the Fullest

For the bread of God is He who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world. Jn 6.33

I read this verse just last night---tried to get on and blog my thoughts then and there, but being Sunday the internet was completely used up by others as I could not go to even Google. 
I do not remember a time, except for the one time of crisis, when I was not firmly convinced that there was and is a God, and that there was and is a Son to believe in. It was just the way things were. Therefore, I cannot express the massive change in life that many converts express---the change of life being that life is fully alive, and not half dead doldrums of mere existence. 

Yet I can express the change in my life thusly: when at my sickest, and all the effort in the world allows me to hold my Bible, I feel alive because of the Word. When I am at a better point in my life, and I am busy with the twaddle of day-to-day life---laundry, cleaning, etc., my life appears to be more lively. It would seem that it is more lively; after all, I am doing normal things that we all do, surely I am more alive.
I would disagree. I feel the most alive when I remember (and even force myself) to pick up and study the Word. Not a "pious book", as O. Chambers would say---I agree when he writes that reading a pious [Bible study] book is not enough, nor the same. It is indeed not. The Word gives life, is alive, sheds light on our lives, shows us more of God. 
The well-written and solid words of others is worthwhile, and may help expand one's knowledge base on things which help expand the Word...but there is a Counselor sent to do the same (and a better job than any pious author0, and we are so very blessed to have Him and the Word. 
The Word does make one be more alive---much more than any relationship, career or other "life" duty. We were to be with God, so without great focus on God, we naturally feel a large whole we attempt to fill with things of the world. Many of those things are not sinful--families, etc., but still do not fill that gaping hole. 
Speak with God, read one verse, worship in whatever way...for He does indeed make life alive.

The Devastation of Evil

Victory Over the Darkness. Anderson

[Satan] can do nothing to damage your position and identity in Christ. But if he can deceive you into believing his lie---that you are not acceptable to God....then you will [live that way]. 

If we even consider the Book of Job, and all the persuasive things said by his closest friends and wife...these were things to drive Job from God. Attempts to displace his relationship with God. God did not doubt Job; if one will recall the conversations in Heaven, God gave permission for trials. I will not claim to know why God allowed them...that is likely not for us to ever know, or not at this time. 
I have heard stories and seen many fall to the side. Whether they listened to lies, or were never His, I do not know. 
We are all His; He knows us by name. I have loved the passage about His being the Good Shepherd, and that His flock knows Him, and He knows His flock by name. Oh, that just melts my heart. 
We have had goats. I used to take a book, climb a tree overlooking my herd of goats eat excess blackberry vines. A great and peaceful time, I will tell you. Each of those goats knew me well, and each would answer to her name. If I cried, they milled about me, gently setting their heads against me. If I rejoiced and ran with them, they lept about like kid goats. 
I cannot imagine how well He knows me. It astounds me that He knows me, that I am worth knowing

 Let not the trials of today drive us from One who knows us so very well. Our trials may be ever so hard, but as Job shows, rewards are ever so overwhelming. God knows how hard these things are; reconsider for a moment how excruciating it must be for the prince when we stand firm in our faith, run to the fold of our Shepherd, rather than crumple to the prince of the world.

Eternal Life

.Victory over the Darkness, Anderson. 

Salvation is not a future addition; it's a present transformation. Eternal life is something you possess right now because you're in Christ.....if you see yourself as a child of God who is spiritually alive in Christ, you'll begin to live in victory and freedom as He lived

I love this. When I first read this in April, it was so comforting. Somehow I had never considered the fact that eternal life is mine right now. Yes, I expected that if I died at that very moment I would be in Paradise, but I did not see it as a gift, as if I wore a ring of eternal life. It comforted me on my sick bed that I was given such a promise. I could be victorious and free, even with a chronic illness, I can do what works I feel led to do...even on a bed. Someday, too, either here on earth or later, I will also be free of sickness.

Knowing that we have such a valuable gift makes us more aware of certain things. Many of us live in fear of one thing or another---either for ourselves or loved ones, disasters in the world. But with this gift given, we are victorious over the evilness about us. We, by accepting Jesus as the King, have personally defeated evil the fullest way we manage...while Jesus has already conquered him on the Cross, we must conquer him with our acceptance and following of Christ. Otherwise, he has won us over, and we are lost to his evil whims without escape.

Our gift of eternal life does indeed mean we are victorious and free---free from evil, the constraints of the world. 
I have found myself more willing to speak out about my faith here and other places, while Christianity becomes more and more hated. I do not doubt there are many who claim the faith and are not perhaps in the Book of Life---antichrists fill the world now. 
We stand victorious. We are free. Regardless of what happens to our health or safety, especially with such darkness and murders in the world, we belong to the One who will say at the appointed time, "Enough". Until such time, we remember our Lord, and, oh! He remembers us. Never doubt for a moment that every moment God is very aware of you and me. He knows us---better than we know ourselves, I imagine. He, after all, knew everything about the Samaritan woman, without her saying a word. He knows us, never forsaken us. 

Fear in the Night

By day the Lord directs His love, at night His song is with me---a prayer to the God of my life.
Ps 42.8

Night. A time which sight is limited. Strange noises fill the air, the flutter of night fliers overhead.
Night is always the theme in horror flicks, a time when we feel the most fear.
Evil is referred to as darkness; God is light.

I have been afraid of night for a long, long time. I remember being a little girl and wishing desperately it was morning. I loved it when people were still up and awake...despised that I could not go to sleep after hours of trying, and heard the solid silence fill the house that meant only one thing. Everyone was asleep.
Now, I can walk in the dark---in fact, moonlit nights are beloved by myself. I will run in an empty field (before the RA) with great delight. Full black darkness fills me with such dread. Power outages are still stressful because of the dark.

Yet I think my fear is abating because I have spent so much time with God at night. The quiet of night keeps distractions at bay. I am not "supposed" to be doing anything but be asleep. At night, one can reach out to God and have a good, full conversation with Him. Discuss problems, fears, your love for Him. In return, with the building of this relationship, He will reach and comfort you. At night you can get full proof that, at the loneliest time of day, you are not alone.
Darkness, sin, evilness all keep us from seeing God. Those things are like walking in the blackest of nights without any homes nearby. Completely lost. We have to have light, we were designed to have that light and love---the complete love only God can give us. With our acceptance and repentance, we have the light and can again see. Reminds one of the line in Amazing Grace: "...was blind but now I see...".
Life without God is a disaster, and little comfort can be found in this world. All comfort of the world is fleeting and simple. Our Father's love is deep and consuming. He love me, He loves you. We are not alone, most certainly not at night when the dark is darkest...just like when life is darkest dark, He is right there, ready to love, support and hold.

Fear in the Night

By day the Lord directs His love, at night His song is with me---a prayer to the God of my life.
Ps 42.8

Night. A time which sight is limited. Strange noises fill the air, the flutter of night fliers overhead.
Night is always the theme in horror flicks, a time when we feel the most fear.
Evil is referred to as darkness; God is light.

I have been afraid of night for a long, long time. I remember being a little girl and wishing desperately it was morning. I loved it when people were still up and awake...despised that I could not go to sleep after hours of trying, and heard the solid silence fill the house that meant only one thing. Everyone was asleep.
Now, I can walk in the dark---in fact, moonlit nights are beloved by myself. I will run in an empty field (before the RA) with great delight. Full black darkness fills me with such dread. Power outages are still stressful because of the dark.

Yet I think my fear is abating because I have spent so much time with God at night. The quiet of night keeps distractions at bay. I am not "supposed" to be doing anything but be asleep. At night, one can reach out to God and have a good, full conversation with Him. Discuss problems, fears, your love for Him. In return, with the building of this relationship, He will reach and comfort you. At night you can get full proof that, at the loneliest time of day, you are not alone.
Darkness, sin, evilness all keep us from seeing God. Those things are like walking in the blackest of nights without any homes nearby. Completely lost. We have to have light, we were designed to have that light and love---the complete love only God can give us. With our acceptance and repentance, we have the light and can again see. Reminds one of the line in Amazing Grace: "...was blind but now I see...".
Life without God is a disaster, and little comfort can be found in this world. All comfort of the world is fleeting and simple. Our Father's love is deep and consuming. He love me, He loves you. We are not alone, most certainly not at night when the dark is darkest...just like when life is darkest dark, He is right there, ready to love, support and hold.

Spiritually Alive

Victory Over the Darkness. Anderson

The moment you were born again your soul came into union with God...you became spiritually alive and your name was written in the Lamb's book of life (Rev 21.27)
Eternal life is not something you get when you die. You are spiritually alive in Christ right now.

As a home health nurse I met many people: the patients, the friends, the family members. There is something about a Christian that I have found...a "look" in the eyes. Something is there, a glimmer that I do not see in one who does not believe.
One family I visited, toward the end of my last nursing stint, had something about them that made me nearly certain that they were believers. At the end of the visit, the family members looked at each other, nodded...and one leaned forward in her chair. 
"Are you one of us?"
Now, that could mean one of a hundred things, but I knew then, "Yes, yes I am."
Oh, they bounced up in their seats! "We knew it! We knew you were!" We were bonded beyond the nurse-patient relationship. If I had their address still, I would send letters---and I know they would be welcomed. Perhaps someday I will make it to their home and say hello.

There is a difference, we can see it in others. A look, a softness--an example of fruits of the Spirit. We are very much alive spiritually, even while our bodies fail us. Older Christians who are likely to pass, have, in my experience, a glowing quality--and I would say that was the fact of a lively spirit. 
I love the idea that my eternal life has started now, and while I am not in a perfect body yet, and face the trials and tribulations of this world, I am alive. I, by the love of God and acceptance of His Son, am alive. 
 How wonderful it is that we have God, that we will live with Him always, from now when time makes sense to later when time is meaningless. 

Author Post: Scratch That

I have given up on my one idea for a novel. Yes, it was the first I had plans for from beginning, middle and end...but I could not find research to use that was suitable. So scratch that.

I have dreamed of being an author since I was six. I may still have "stories" I wrote then. I have one notebook half full of hand-written pencil words, telling a story I thought of at the age of 13-16. I love the feel of pen, pencil, crayon, anything (!), against the soft blue horizontal lines of filler paper. Spiral notebooks, for stories, drive me crazy. I can't add pages! 
I haven't written anything in ages that is a story. 
My blog has become a story, in one sense. I tell my life as it was, is and may be. I pour my heart out into it, which, as any author knows, is the only way to write.
I love my blog, whether it helps others or not, it helps me. I write about things I have fought past with the grace of God--hard battles that at the time I thought I would never make it through. I have shared samples of heartbreak in how it affected me. My blog is a story, a journal, a way to show myself how God is there for me, and thus He is there for us all who accept Him. 
I get to write a bad day out, work on showing myself the glory of God, and feel 100% ready to battle on by the end---which is purely God's great strength and love, it has nothing to do with me. 
Writing is a passion--except maybe writing college papers--and I hope I get to use it in a big way. If not, I love writing my blog, seeing what countries may be reading my blog, and thanking God for being with me and showing me good things to write about.

Sinning and Not Sinning

Considering the following verses:

 Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.” John 4.14

 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him."  John 9.3

When one is chronically ill, as Joni Eareckson Tada describes in various of her books, there can be a lot of conversation that sin is causing illness. 
While I certainly would agree, I would also agree with Joni---if a conscience is clear---and if one is still actively studying the Word, likely sin is not the reason. 

We can then look and hope that the reason for our hardship and trial is to the glory of God. That, for me, makes my trials easier. Especially knowing God is with me while I continue walking the path laid before me.

Being in Christ

Victory Over the Darkness

For every reference for Christ being in you, there are ten for you being in Christ. Being in Chris is the most critical element of your identitiy.

There is a TV show I watch with my husband (or without him if he is not present, ha ha!) that uses the term "my person". This person is deeper than a best friend, in some mysterious way...the sort of friend that shares everything, absolutely everything---the sort of friend that shows up in the middle of the night, calls in the middle of the night if there is a crisis. 
I realized the other day...that while I have other "my person"s, the main "my person" is God. 

This is a new thing for me. I have leaned heavily on God for a very long time. I have had to, as there was no other way of surviving. This battle has changed that, as I have had to rely on Him even more strongly that before in my life. God is my person.

I do not say this to brag. We all fall in our relationship with God when we get "worldly"--go from a time of great closeness to a time of "convenience".
 If I were to explain this to you, dear reader, in person---as I did with my mother---I would be crying. It amazes me and is so wonderful to know that all of me, every single particle, says God is my person. 

For some of us, even with a growing relationship with God (me at numerous times), it takes time to say God is our person. We have to get to know Him enough, have called on Him enough, to say He is our person. We may fully trust Him and rely upon Him...but our relationship is young and new. We may not be able to truthfully say He is our person--even if we do rely on Him to eat every bite while fighting anorexia. 

Any relationship here on earth with our fellow people takes time to build, to be to the depth of knowing we can call in the middle of the night when some "crisis" hits. Thus, it also takes time to know our Father and Savior. Those human relationships can quickly deteriorate if not kept up with a fairly constant contact schedule; again, like the relationship with God can deteriorate without constant learning and conversation.

Being in Christ---calling Him our person---is indeed the most critical element of our identity. If we do not have Him fully into our lives, we do not live: 

^{John 3.36} Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on them.

While this verse also speaks of eternal life...if one thinks about it, living here and now is pointless if not for the relationship we have with God. We would live the life here, and continue a worse life after. We would not ever live the life God had intended for humans to live. 

 We must strive side-by-side with God to deepen our relationship with Him. As our relationship deepens, this harsh life takes on more meaning--although I cannot exactly explain that thought. Continue and grow, my friends. Grow deeper in the love of the Lord, know Him more, take comfort in His peace. He is there at all times, for you and I are each His "person".

RA Post: Education

The thing about RA that really "kills" me is how it stops my education. I am indeed fulfilling one wish of going further with my own personal studying of the Bible, God and what solid authors have written. 
I miss college. I love school; I had planned on becoming a professor at my local college. Weeks before my RA erupted, I told St Martin's University that I would need to work another year to save up some funds to continue my nursing degree. 
I did contact the nursing administrator some months ago stating my current illness (which she had heard through the grapevine--certainly fine by me. Obviously I write about it all over the internet.). She was super understanding, and really still wanted me to come, to adjust the course load so I could manage. Oh. My heart just aches from the lack of being able to actively be a nurse and to be a student.

It is funny how what we plan goes askew. I had maybe thought Mark and I would be parents by now...that I would have a BSN, be out of school and work raising kids. However, as yet, I am here. Studying God's Word, learning to be patient, give up many things until a time when it may work.

We must all be patient. We can hold onto dreams, but we mustn't force dreams to happen. Any time I have tried to do that, or witnessed others doing so, the dream goes wrong. Be patient. Listen to God. Wait for His timing.

Life is a Film

Hit a flare again. Hoping that it is receding. Thankfully--if it is leaving---it hasn't been a super bad flare. 
I never thought anyone could sleep as much as I do in a flare. The last two days I have been up and awake an estimated total of five hours. "Just get up and do something," I used to tell my sister. Ha! Yeah, that doesn't work. You will literally fall asleep while you are sitting, reading...can't say as I have fallen asleep walking, but I would not doubt stepping into "zombie" mode of more than half asleep. 

I was considering life and all its quirks. How some people have notoriously easy lives--they themselves may comment on it. And others have notoriously horrid lives. Life is like a film...an ongoing movie with all it's various players. 

John is my mother's favorite book of the Bible. The very first one she read when she became a Christian. I picked up my Bible last night, when I had a semi-conscious spell and began to read. The words used in that book are incredible to me as well...not that all of the Bible isn't astounding. 
 

 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ² He was with God in the beginning. ³ Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. ⁴ In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. ⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome^[a] it. John 1

I love the whole of this section, but today I am partial to verse 3: "Through Him all things were made;  without Him nothing was made that has been made." Likely I love it because it is so similar to the Col verse at the head of the blog....that He made everything. I may be ill, and have many battle scars, but He made me, and I am here to worship Him. How amazing is that? We all face many things--even those of us blessed with "easy" lives---but we were made by Him, and He directs our lives. 

Things may be terrible at times, but we mustn't forget that He knows what terrible is. He faced the cross, He wept at Lazarus' death. He knows what we face...and He holds us so dear. Honestly considering how much we hurt at seeing loved others facing things, I cannot imagine the hurt God feels seeing us fight.We may have to continue fighting because of our bad choices, but He never lets us go.
 I love how God never lets us go. Even when we have times and spells of being incredibly forgetful where God is involved...the moment we think of Him, begin to work on our sinful selves with Him, He does a wonderful thing. He opens His arms wide to accept the prodigal son, wipes the tears from our eyes. He does not open the door, see us standing there in tattered clothes with tears streaming down our faces, and slam the door shut, bolting it solid. No. He opens the door wider, lets us in, and clothes us, giving us strength to continue our time here.

I further love verse 5: "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it"...To me, tonight, that makes me feel that no matter how hard our walk may be, so long as we cry out to God, lean on His strength and knowledge, those horrible things we face will not overcome us. We may perish physically, but because of the love of God and our acceptance of Him, we will not be overcome spiritually by illness, disaster or whatever thing hits us. God is not to be overcome by evil.
It is not easy to face a life of physical difficulties. Yet abiding in God's strength is encouraging, and knowing that all in all, He is always there for me, and will not leave me outside.

RA Post: Not invincible....yet

Well. Too much kitchen scrubbing, dog walking and five minute-lowest-setting bike riding. 

Today I am super tired. And my feet hurt and are wanting to swell. Overall, though, I am not as bad as I sometimes have been. So hopefully this passes soon. 

Taking it easy, naps and Pinterest.

Sinking Like Peter

The power went out suddenly last night, which sent me into thinking rather than mindlessly watching TV. 
I was suddenly swept into the passage concerning Peter walking on the water towards Jesus and then floundering into the depths. 

We do that constantly, I decided. Fear is my monster, as previously stated...and fear is easily fed by thinking, fussing, bemoaning, crying and worrying about the specific fear we are afraid of. Any sin is fed by our thinking about and focusing on it. We must instead focus upon God, asking for strength to belittle sin...it is difficult to actively and openly sin when we are fully focused upon God. The Spirit, if listened to at all, will most certainly point out the issue with a sin. 

We begin a good, solid relationship with our God, and have our sights set fully upon Him. Everything about us is lost in a fog because the one thing that is the most important in our minds is He. 
Life then manages to distract us---fully assisted by fallen beings. Much like the story of Job, I believe that they must ask permission to attempt to sway us from God. Some of us become fully lost to God, choosing our own volition rather than rely upon a Creator, some of us are half lost--confused sheep running here and there needing assistance and comforting to be back in the pen--, and then there are those who cling ever tighter. 
I would also venture to say that, much like the cycle of grief, we may hit all or some of the aforementioned during difficult times. 

I have not been angry at God for this battle nor for others faced because of the great comfort I have found by kneeling and crying my heart out. I know that that is often something difficult for others--and who knows, may be a battle I face yet---but if my reader is of that mindset, I would encourage that a time of prayer/letter to God is completed, telling of this hurt and anger. If Jesus was willing to scoop Peter up out of the water for becoming distracted, I can only imagine He is still willing to do so. 

God wants to be with us, know us. We should want the same thing--for this life is a hard and difficult walk, and having a Father who will reach down and help us along the way is certainly worth knowing Him.

RA Post: memory and breathing room

I have had about a week and some odd days of "good" health. Better, maybe, than in a year or possibly longer. (???)

My pain is less. When I started the methotrexate, the larger joints (knees, ankles, hips) did not "seem" to hurt, while my smaller joints (jaw, fingers, wrists, toes) were full of glass shards. Ouch. At this point, I seem to mainly be getting a dull, annoying ache that only needs breakthrough medications if I am trying to rest. If I am moving about, the pain is within the ignoring stage. 

Nausea. Nausea is still an issue. Currently I feel ick, and I am waiting for some nausea meds to work. The nausea hits me when I do something too soon and/or too long. I should be asleep now, which I am sure is aggravating the nausea, but I am not sleeping very well. 

I seem to be less tired overall, with the exception of having little to no muscle mass and being easily tired due to that fact.

My "brain fog"---RA/Fibro memory issues---is driving me mad. I can't remember very well what happened from one day to the next. Mainly minor things, but it is still distressing. Perhaps that is another explanation for my homeschool days when I could not remember what I learned the day before. 

The idea that I am better, or could possibly be better than I am now, is terrifying. MTX takes three months to hit peak therapeutic levels. I am on the third injection. 
I can't feature having the chance to live again---even if it was to stay at this level. I managed to drive a car last week and visit a dear friend/"sister" who lives close...and then Sunday (I am sure of this), Hubby and I went to visit another friend/"sister" who lives close by. How can I be doing this?

I had about accepted the fact that my health was not going to ever permit me to do anything. That I might be lucky enough to see one person at their home every six months. Two different homes in one week. I really, honestly can't believe that I did that. 

I don't know if this mild remission will last, get stronger or what...I am ever so grateful for a mild break from misery. If, and that is a big, enormous IF, I manage to improve beyond this, and remain stable for three months, I might see if a light duty home health position would be an option. I am not going to even think about it beyond that statement. 

How did I get this chance to live this last week and some days? Sorry if this post wanders and such...still having a hard time with this improvement.

The First Adam and the Last Adam

Victory Over the Darkness, Anderson
 
The first thing we notice about Christ, the last Adam, is His complete dependence on God the Father...Jesus modeled for us what it means to live 100% dependent on God.
...unlike the first Adam, Jesus did not forfeit His spiritual life at some point through sin. 

I now have this strange picture of humans. First, when I think of the Fall, I think of how Esau traded his firstborn rights to his brother for food...and second I think of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe and how Edmund traded his brother and sisters for candy. 
We are so willing to think of the right now needs of our little selves that we will not consider the later consequences of our actions. Further, because we think in that way, we do not actively want to be dependent upon anyone. 

The world is filled with such examples--advertisement is filled with having things only as we want it. Being free and independent is the goal of society.

I have had to be more dependent upon other people this last year than I have in ages. I have had to rely on others to drive me, cook larger meals, check and see if I am dead, if I have even eaten. Further, I have to rely on doctors to listen to me, pick the right prescriptions, rely on pharmacies to have the medications (believe me, that is a hard thing), and rely on insurance (and that one is hysterical---). 
Being so dependent on others after being in college and working has been an odd thing...

We rarely walk with any length of time in full dependence upon God---not every moment of every single day. We get distracted by something shiny, whatever it may be--even daily routine. We may have a relationship with Him, and a meaningful one, but we may not walk every step in full dependence upon God. 
Dependence upon God, a full dependence, would look more like what an infant-mother relationship is. No baby is satisfied unless mama is in view---preferably sitting on said mama. The times in my life that were most fully focused on God were ones that had me leaning hard on Him.

In the Garden, we were not mini-gods, we did not find trials to "remind" us to focus on God. We were without sin, could be in His presence, and were reminded constantly to have a full relationship with Him. A perfect world, a perfect relationship.
Here, with sin ruling our lives in one way or another, by our wonderful and imaginative choice of mini-godhood,  we are reminded that we need God. If we did not face the trials of sin, we would not remember that being without Him really is what Hell is all about, we would not know why our life was so unbearably empty. Yet my reader might ask why a good God would allow us to face horrible things? Why not let us just live free and unhurt? 

Because we would be even more hurt without God. We were created to live with God at all times---He came and walked in the afternoons with us. We were not created to be without God. We face the harshness of sin as much as a child faces the harshness of being scolded for trying to stuff fingers in a socket.

Consider this that C.S. Lewis had to say: "If the universe us so bad...how on earth did human beings even come to attribute it to the activity of a wise and good Creator? Men are fools, perhaps, but hardly so foolish as that."

The hardest times in my life were, in some ways, great times. During those times I was with God so much that it made those hardest things not so bad. I still do not want to face what I face now, nor the other things I have faced. I do love God so much because He was, is, and always will be there for me. While we may face the horrors of making the choice to be mini-gods...we are so blessed to have a God who forgave us and holds us close.

Bad Mouthing----edited (!)

Diamonds in the Dust   J.E. Tada

The Enemy has a deep hatred of my flesh and blood and all I was doing was agreeing with him. He gets a charge when I bad mouth my body...Why? Because your body...is made in the image of God.
The Devil is only a fallen angel. He is a deceiver. He is doomed for destruction. And until then, he has one goal in mind: your spiritual defeat, emotional malalignment and physical frustration.

I am very much one who believes in the work that those who fell away from God; the evil ones. They work hard to steer us into a path of self-destruction---or a path of other-destruction.When I see stories in the news or hear of stories of cruelty, I figure that it is partly our sin nature, and possibly partly the urging of the fallen angels.

There are times in our lives that we face such deep emotional hurt that we never seem to be able to crawl out from under it; times of great depression so deep that every step forward is three backwards.... Those who have been abused cannot escape the words and actions done against them. They begin to rationalize why they were treated in such a manner----deciding eventually that they deserved it. 
And, of course, there are numerous other instances of deep emotional hurts.

I had a near spiritual defeat at the hands of another and, I assume, demons. One of the worst times in my life.... I desperately tried to cling to the fraying rope of faith. The header verse, at the top of my blog page, is the verse that was thrown to me as a rope ladder---a verse I clung to so tightly with my eyes shut, knowing my faith was solid again. 
We must guard ourselves when people begin attacking our faith---they do not go at it alone---and it is ever so toxic. Being without God after knowing Him would be more than I could have borne; it would have led to complete and utter destruction for me. 

I am not sure how demons interact with any of the three Joni lists with the opening quote I used--- I am least certain how the trials of illness enter in. How exactly they mess with health baffles me.
 Yet I know after facing this RA battle and being very sick at times how easy it would be to destroy the spiritual health of a person alongside the physical health.
The emotional roller-coaster of physical illness can be extraordinarily trying on spiritual health.

The above are examples of what I consider to being tampered with by evil ones. Anything that can drag our attention from God, pulling ourselves into a small circle of hell to allow deeper torment, means that he has won--at least momentarily. 
Again why I urge people to feel free to speak out about battles. Everyone's battle is different---I would not pretend that I face the same battles as everyone else. The idea is ridiculous. No, but our battle scars and lessons learned of God's grace and wondrous love should be shared. We must help others fight the evil ones and know to call on God. 

God will answer. I have always found that asking Him to bind evil ones from my thoughts to be an instantaneous thing in most matters. I do not know how they manage to turn our thoughts, but deceivers they are indeed---convincing us to do extremely foolish things. God is the truth and the light, allowing us to see His love and kindness. When these times of struggles come to be, reach out to those who have faced similar things...reach out at all hours to God. Force your hand to pick up your Bible and read it, let the Spirit comfort and counsel you. Let the Son walk with you. You are not alone with these terrible battles, against evil...the Creator is beside you, and will let you rest.

RA Post: Methotrexate Progress and Food Allergy (?)

So I think that the MTX is helping. My joints pop a lot now...and for the most part I seem to have less swelling. It is incredible how much my joints are popping. The swelling in the joint really stretches out all the ligaments and tendons...some cases of RA have them break from the strain. Let's just say I am really glad that that has not happened to me or anyone I know...and that it is really weird to walk with hips, knees, ankles and toes popping. LOL. 

Actually managed to drive myself to visit a friend who lives close by. Was exhausted for a couple of days, but still able to get up and do a little. I have to learn how to do these things. Obviously if I feel so bad I can't stay awake I am not trying. That is just ridiculous, because I will be ten times sicker. But on a good day, I will try. I need to work on getting further, too, with my driving. Not used to handling RA with driving. Sort of have it figured out as a passenger. 

Something is driving me insane with itching and near hives. I have had that reaction with Corn Pops cereal, so avoiding all cereals. Also have been eating nuts because of the low carb dieting I have been working on...and so I am wondering if those suckers are causing an issue. 

My meds could all cause itching...but this has just started the last two-three days. Worse yesterday to now...and I haven't taken mtx yet for the week. So I will do a trial and error. I am suspecting the nuts.

????

Met Every Expectation, Where's the Prize and Half-Hearted Forgiveness

We all feel at some point in our lives that if we met everything we are supposed to do here on earth---the ideal husband/wife, ideal student/employee, ideal this, ideal that, ideal Christian---we would then be free from all pain and suffering. If we are free from pain and suffering, we must be doing the right thing. This is not necessarily so....
Oswald Chambers points out, as I often have, that we shunned God to pick to be our own "gods"; then the universe came crashing down. In all actuality, we were the "gods" there in the garden---gods in the sense of management. We were to control everything in that garden...assuming we could follow one, and only one, rule.

I often laugh as I describe in various examples how we gave up the Garden, our birthright:  For a fruit in the Garden....It reminds me of two stories. One, in the Bible, of Esau and Jacob...Esau was willing to forfeit his firstborn rights for a bowl of soup. Two, how in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, Edmund was perfectly willing to tell anything and everything to the White Witch for "sweeties".
We were, are and ever will be greedy creatures. Whether our prize is the knowledge of good and evil, food, or whatever else stands out as a prize, we want it. 

To restate, we mustn't stop trying----for those things in the opening paragraph are honorable things. There just needs to be a different slant. We should do those things not in hopes of a prize of an easy life, but to honor God. Be an ideal husband/wife to honor God, be an ideal student/employee to honor God, be close to God that you might honor Him with love.  Be an ideal disabled person (whether medically or from the struggle of being brave when shy, talkative when depressed) who does the utmost able at that very moment to honor God.  God knows when we have done our very most and why. I imagine that those actions please God.
Jesus Himself honored God in all He did---and it pleased God. Yet, to pay for our centuries of continued "god-self" choices, He faced something we will never face, something far more horrible than we can even begin to imagine.
He was hung to a cross; a terrible death by all accounts. What He faced which we will never face....was total abandonment by God.

Our trials are indeed wretched. God, however, does not leave us alone to face them.
He may seem far away at times, but I have found that that is because there is some sin festering we won't treat. Remove your sin! It is foolishness to cuddle a thistle plant as a child would a favorite toy! Let it go---for holding onto hurts, revengeful thoughts, anger or whatever you hold is so poisonous. I honestly believe that holding those poisonous, sinful feelings are bad for health--although I do not currently have a study in hand.
 I cannot say that I can imagine the hurt and hate someone who has been raped would feel, or how a parent may be angered that their child had some illness, or how a child feels about parental divorce...but I can remember my own hurts, and how long they clung to me.
My friends, forgive that person, persons, company, or stranger who did something, however terrible it may have been or how wrong that other person really was......stop doing whatever sin it may be that is making your spirit twist and crawl as you read this: forgive and stop/ask forgiveness every single time that sin pops up until your heart no longer brings up old (or newer) pain.
We cannot hold onto hurts that have "done us wrong", as we are then in more wrong that the original story the longer we hold them.

I can say that, with so much time in the beginning of my RA, when I was so very sick...I spent a lot of time forgiving people. These were hurts I had forgiven before, and some at least a couple of times. It was when I thought about them, stuck on that bed or couch 24/7, that I realized I was not solid enough in my forgiveness. My forgiveness was half-hearted---a forgiveness that allowed me to see the people who had hurt me, but not enough that the original event did not replay the rest of that day. When we forgive, we have to really mean it, and really be able to pray to God and tell HIM that we mean it. One can't really pray a half-hearted "I forgive So-and-So for stepping on my shoe" to God. You will begin to feel ashamed of yourself, as the Spirit corrects you in your wrongdoing.

So, then, reader, while we may not be free from suffering here on earth (blessed are those who are!), we are instead blessed with facing battles not alone. God is with us, never leaving us on our own crosses to bear the pain and agony alone. I cannot explain why we face things, short of the curse...but we will have our escape to Paradise. In the meantime, I cannot express my gratitude that I can call on God, day or night (often night), and He is right there, ready to comfort, teach, and direct.
Peace be upon you all.

Considering His Glory

A favorite thing in my life has been to stand and look about me. Considering the handiwork of God all around me.
I have loved since childhood stargazing...looking into the heavens and the wonder that is there. Once I entered college and went through various science classes (and not a Christian-minded college), I was further amazed at His work.
On Pinterest I save photographs of microscope views...the wonder the God made in the smallest of views. 
Sin destroyed the Garden---when I took anatomy and physiology in preparation for nursing school, I could see how, if nothing went wrong, we would have lived forever. Nothing should go wrong as cells grow and divide, fight off infections or what-have-you. It is a perfect system...a system we threw a stick of dynamite into.

The wonder of God's hands is incredible. It leaves me speechless...one way to "Be still, and know that I am God" is to consider creation about you. At least it feels that way for me.

RA Post: Possible Victory.....???

So, with the addition of methotrexate (an antimetabolite, or "chemo" medication), I think that possibly, with great hesitation, that I may be doing better.
I had a huge victory yesterday. I drove about five miles away to see a friend, visited for two hours and drove home.
I have not done that in over a year.

I talk about facing and fighting fears...as that has been my pet monster all these years. After being so sick for so long, and so used to going from fine to wanting to melt onto the floor with nausea, has made me have an old enemy raise his ugly head.
Agoraphobia. Fear of leaving the house and being in large open areas---generally with people. This one has a different slant, since I am afraid of becoming super sick and not being able to drive, or just being sick in a place that is not home, not my "safe" spot.

My trip to my dear friend's was a wonderful victory--even if I flare next week for some random reason. Any victory over this disease, over the pet monster, is one I celebrate loudly.

There is a song I love because, while not all of it fits my situation, it is a good victory song for many battles fought----no matter how small the victory was. God is with you, He is with me. Hold tightly to Him and take that very scary first step. I imagine that heaven rejoices those victories. After all, they are against the prince of this world.

Independence Day----Martina Mcbride

Words

I love words. I love painting a picture for the mind to expand...making art by the spin of words I pick to write down. I have loved words since age six.
Words. I was thinking about how powerful words are, and how one wrong word can destroy a person, or one right one can lift them up. 

Not surprising, then, really, that the Word is so important. Here is a collection of Words inspired by God to shape and change us into better beings--- to show us Christ. Here is a collection of Words that have changed the world.
People often like to say that the Bible is...judgemental I guess would be the word. The fact that there are commands to not do things seems to irritate us, regardless of what it is. 
When we read the Word, the Spirit brings things to light for us. Things pop out of the Bible indeed as a double edged sword, stabbing and slicing at us with guilt. We read in the New Testament many things that we decided to do, and then get angry at our guilt. As if it is God's fault that we picked sin and now feel the shame of holding the Word in our hearts. What foolishness. 
We know what sin we have, be it fear, lust, gambling, gossiping, or bad cooking. (Sorry, I don't actually think that last one is a sin. Unless I have to eat it. Ha!) We just refuse to let go, ask forgiveness and actually ask God for help stopping. 
We prefer to do step one and two and forget step three. Oops! I put salt instead of sugar in all those cookies. Oh well. Ask forgiveness. Put salt in the cookies next batch. 
It is still sinning. And I would say from my own experience and others', we know when we ask forgiveness that we aren't going to try and stop our sins. 
We must own up to our sins, for that is why the Word points them out to us. 
God is so amazingly good to us. Far beyond what we deserve. He holds us so dearly...dearly enough to abandon His Son on the cross. That is pretty deep love. 
Let us listen fully to the Word and when the Word cuts us, let us respond fully to repentance. 
Words do, after all, lift one up. 

The World is the Worst it Could be

Oswald Chambers, in "Baffled to Fight Better", alludes to the fact that the world is the worst it could be. 

I pondered that throughout the night and this AM, considering. I suppose that I agree. If the world was worse, God would not have a presence here at all, those many near-misses we experience would happen, and we would be, in all actuality, in Hell.
God's presence, however horrible our experiences may be, allow that we have a refuge, a comforter. Without His presence, Hell would be all about us. We would have no safety, no comfort. Desolation.

I consider the battles I have fought, the times I have called upon God, and think of how absolutely wretched it would be to NOT have the option to call Him. 
When I was first going to college, my anxiety was terrible. I was the person who left classes suddenly for no reason because my terror at being around people was so strong I could not take it anymore. 

Those challenges were met with the strength of God. I cannot even tell you the number of times I asked God to give me the strength to make it to school, to give me the strength to serve Him----and the number of times I received from His Holy and Wondrous Self the strength and power to do so.  That time in my life was a time of Hell, and one of the strongest fights I have had to fight.

And years later, looking back at that battle that raged for years, I feel blessed. The world was a dark and horrible place then, and often is now....yet I was not alone in my fight. God was there, keeping the world from being a place of actual Hell.  He gave light in the darkness of my life, creating a path to walk. He was willing, with the whisper of a prayer, to envelope me with His love and give me His strength to fight on---to kill the monster tormenting me. Yes, anxiety is still an issue, but has never been that strong again. The monster is beat to the point of being an irritation at most times, never the Goliath I was losing to then.

I am blessed to have faced that time. I can be, and was, a comfort to many who were afraid. I am open enough about this time that I have had people contact me for help, and I consider that my hard-fought battle was worth it to be able to share the grace God gave me. Oswald Chambers says to share what God has done for you so others may know that He does things for people...and I think that is good advice.
Every person's battle is different, but God is certainly strong enough to be there for every person's battle. He is the Perfect Father, and will not abandon His children when they cry out. A battle may last--such as an illness---but He will not leave us alone while we fight the good fight.

Boundless Joy

Diamonds in the Dust   J.E. Tada

We must abide in Him and let His Word abide in us if we are to know Christ in a deep and intimate way. Deep devotion to the Lord Jesus energizes service that is not tiring or rigorous. Affection for Him that is warm and heartfelt gives boundless joy to every task.

Ps 27.4-5

Today I was considering "fear", and Joni's words above fit in a way...when God is the center of our lives, and His Word circulates throughout our minds, we lose fear. Fear is not from God, and fear devastates the entirety of the human mind, soul and body if allowed to belong and become a god for even a moment. 
I am afraid of so many things it would take a book to describe and explain each fear. The one circulating mainly now is that I am doing somewhat better. Now, a chronically ill person lives for days of which the disease is less, and lives in fear that those days are short or non-existent. I can (am) be afraid because is this current lull in my sickness permanent? Will it increase? Will it vanish in a couple of hours as it has other times? I can allow myself to get caught into a never ceasing circle of near-hell by thinking these thoughts. 
Why not think, with such great and wondrous joy, like the Psalm I shared? To think only the Lord, His beauty, the great Kingdom that is His? The fact that He will, with a word from me, banish evil from poisoning my thoughts, cover me safely in His arms. 
When our thoughts are fully inundated with God's presence, the trials we face nearly vanish. Yes, I am sick, sometimes very sick. I see others on my support groups facing even worse illnesses, or even better illnesses. I see and hear friends facing such hard things. Yet I know, from being so very sick at the beginning of this long year, that being focused on God, calling upon Him at all hours, will yield great relief. 
We may have to face the consequences of Sin's evil touch...the way emotions wreck bodies and health, the way genetics and their disasters from past sins ruin lives...but we never have to face it alone. God is always half a thought away. He hears our cries, and comforts us. He knows how hard this world is...I am still devastated that Jesus wept. If our God would cry on this earth, He knows. He will not leave us alone to battle our battles. Jesus was forsaken by God for our sins; we will not be forsaken. Cry out to Him, lean on Him. Oh, the power of His great love.

In This World

Diamonds in the Dust.   J.E. Tada

There are people around you for whom misery is a way of life. The world has enough misery of its own without Christians adding to it. We are to be in this world, not of it. 

Oh, sinful creatures. One can always reflect on things one said or did and cringe, realizing that it was not helpful, spreading the Word (ha! most assuredly not), nor the least bit encouraging. One can as easily reflect on things done and said to one's self that also were not helpful, filled with the Word, nor encouraging.
Ours is a world of destruction. Both physical and emotional. 
I enjoy classic films (1920s-1950s), and books of classic or "older" publications (also similar era as the films)...and the standard plot is of people being ruthless with one another. It is the height of fashion to destroy someone, considered amusing. I admit that I laugh at such antics. It is proof that generation after generation takes delight in the misery of others.
I enjoy banter, teasing others...yet there is such great risk in this, as the banter and teasing can become real, or too close to a hard subject. Really...while I am hardly a great one at avoiding a good "funny", it would be best to not banter and tease thusly.

I cannot say that I think that God considers such things honorable. I have yet to find a verse in the Word condoning tormenting someone with even teasing.
How then do we be in the world, yet not of it? 
I think for certain that our best chance to not be a misery-monger, nor be arrogantly superior in the fact we are a "Christian", is to further develop our relationship with God. The deeper we know Him, the more we are unnaturally distant to the world. The more we squirm at the actions of ourselves when faced with an opportunity to torment. 
Laughter is a good thing, I am sure...it is a full, open outpouring of joy. Yet consider this: there is a difference in a girl laughing at the boy who slipped a ring on her ring finger with the fullness of joy in love...and the laughter at the way someone's sentence turned out. Laughter is a good thing---but let us be most certainly careful in what we say, do, and think, that we may be spared from spreading more misery, and, worst of all, shaming God with our actions.