I have been so very ill since October. Then came the battle of the insurance, and finally, a new medication. A medication I will tentatively say is helping. I'm not tired. Things that should put me into a flare are not. I still have bad days...but they seem less difficult.
I have been so tired of heart, so sick of body, and even sick of soul. My faith in God has not wavered...no, but just an exhaustion that goes so deep and thick as black tar. Ill health does that, but so does any long lasting difficulty---be it depression, anxiety, loneliness, or anything.
When these times come, and I am not always the best at doing it, we need to hang onto God all the harder. I have not picked up my Bible as much, nor read my good pastors as much. Somehow, "life" was too much to even manage that. And sometimes it is.
But that does not mean we do not have to reach for God. It does not mean that we have left Him, nor that He has left us.
Even all the while I have been ill, heart, body and soul...I can feel His presence, His overpowering love and concern and comfort for me. I was never alone, never facing my struggles alone.
We need to ask for, work for, seek a relationship such as that; that when we are in a deep part of exhaustion, we know He is there.
I have had many many times in my life where I didn't feel Him. I knew God existed, I was saved, I was loved. But the effort had not been put in earlier so that the relationship was strong, solid as platinum.
When a good friend is not seen for say, six months even, yet you know that friend is still a good friend, always has your back...you know that enough effort and trust is in the relationship. It is the same with God.
If enough time is spent with Him, and you reach a point of physically, mentally, emotionally being exhausted from the world (and let's admit the world is exhausting), you will have His comfort and love. Even without asking for it. And that is indeed a gift beyond all measure; to know that He is there, loving me, even if I haven't the strength to do much about it.
Of course, one should "fight" as I didn't manage very well to read the Word and other things....but it is so nice to know that when I fail to make the effort to make that relationship stronger when I should, that He still loves me, and comforts me until I have the strength to begin again.
