From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver
When I choose to commit some major or minor sin, I find it ends up holding a tight siege over me...God will not let me hibernate long in such a state. I'm soon pressured by His Holy Spirit to confess what He already knows. But get this: He doesn't merely send a blanket of grace to cover my sin. His forgiveness goes much deeper than a covering....it is God Himself, the God of Peace, who sanctifies me through and through.
I apologize a lot. For being cranky. Or being unable to do something. Now, the latter is nothing I can help. But my biting someone's head off I can help. I can make the choice to NOT be awful.
"Oh, but I am sick. I am in pain..it's ok."
Yeah, right. It is not ok. It irritates me when I am cruel in the slightest to the people who are caring the most for me...even those who have called to check on me probably have been snapped at.
Sure, it can be understandable if I am short tempered....if I say or do something that is not super wonderful...but I still work at being ever patient.
Many times when I speak out of turn, my spirit instantly turns to my brain and starts making a fuss. What did you say/do that for? I can try and ignore it......but I will be increasingly uncomfortable until I ask pardon. Oh, we sinful people....
I'm quick to practice containment in my own life---I corral those sins I think I can tame, fencing in small transgressions, putting boarders around my disobedience. "This far and no further," I will say to certain bad habits. Once my disobedience settles to a manageable level, like a low grade fever, I easily move to other, more pressing needs at work or with family. But it's never contained long. If God does not get His way with your sin, His mortal enemy, it will rear its ugly head at another time and in uglier ways. Out contained sins limit our effectiveness, kill our joy, and fool us into thinking we are gods that are able to manage our sin life quite nicely on our own. God won't have it. His enemy must be defeated. He loves you too much.
There is a book my family adores called "The Plague and I", about a woman with TB and her time in a TB ward...she talks in the book of the doctors and nurses pulling TB from patients who clutch at their TB as if it were a prized possession. NO! I WANT IT! Even though the disease is killing them, many patients did everything in their power to NOT be cured.
That's ridiculous we say....but even today, people don't follow the "rules" of medicine. How many of us have NOT finished an antibiotic course? How many people don't take their medication for bipolar disorder?
We like to cling to destruction. For some bizarre reason, we feel we are powerful when WE decide when to get over something, be it TB or sin. Oh dear, how foolish. We would rather slink around, hiding a sin, hoping no one finds it out than just admit that we have a sin, repent to God, and ask Him to help us stop. Nope. We'd rather be miserable, in the "power" of our destruction.
It must make God so sad...that we pick destruction. That we picked destruction generations ago. That shiny sin was better than He was. Thankfully, He is so kind and generous as to allow us to ask pardon---and He gives it! He helps us with the Holy Spirit to see that the sin we cling to, that we think we can handle all on our lonesome....we really can't. Not without His help. His reminding us that we don't really want to snap at our husband, or spend too much money, or hold a grudge against so and so for taking our parking spot at church last week....He shows us how silly and insignificant our petty, treasured sins are.
I don't know why we save them. These sins that we think we can handle. Maybe we are too ashamed to ask God's help, that we ought to be able to handle them. But we are of a sinful nature! We can't handle them, that's why He had to die for us in the first place!
Rheumatoid Awareness
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
RA Post 4.28.15
Oh man. Been in a flare for the weekend. Bad enough that I really couldn't figure out what people were talking about. That's RA brain fog for you. I never took my temp, so I dunno, but I assume I was running my fever....seems to make me stupid. I hate it.
At least my poor family has learned that I really do not understand them, what they are saying, wanting, etc. My poor husband has learned to not tell me much about work or things because I just won't remember. He filled me in yesterday afternoon, as I was finally clawing my way out of the wraith-pit of RA fog.
Thankfully swelling is also down. But this means, after four days in bed, that I have to start my walking therapy all over again. I was up to three 15 min easy walks a day...and I took Zoe out this AM and feel ready to sleep for an hour. It's like getting the flu over and over and over and over...all the strength I get falls by the wayside. And...I can only push so hard or I make RA worse.
Third Enbrel shot this AM. Love Enbrel shot day--seriously, I do. I feel like I am doing SOMETHING to maybe have some sort of control over this disease, before my joints are totally ruined. I always think of the stage 5 RA---when the tendons and ligaments are so out of shape that the joint won't hold up very well. That ought to be my knees...they are incredible sometimes. Once they were purple, so I went to my PCP and we did a steroid treatment.
One parting thought...imagine walking on water balloons. I feel like that. It makes one feel very unsteady. Water balloons in my feet and knees and sometimes hips....good ol' swollen bursae. :P
At least my poor family has learned that I really do not understand them, what they are saying, wanting, etc. My poor husband has learned to not tell me much about work or things because I just won't remember. He filled me in yesterday afternoon, as I was finally clawing my way out of the wraith-pit of RA fog.
Thankfully swelling is also down. But this means, after four days in bed, that I have to start my walking therapy all over again. I was up to three 15 min easy walks a day...and I took Zoe out this AM and feel ready to sleep for an hour. It's like getting the flu over and over and over and over...all the strength I get falls by the wayside. And...I can only push so hard or I make RA worse.
Third Enbrel shot this AM. Love Enbrel shot day--seriously, I do. I feel like I am doing SOMETHING to maybe have some sort of control over this disease, before my joints are totally ruined. I always think of the stage 5 RA---when the tendons and ligaments are so out of shape that the joint won't hold up very well. That ought to be my knees...they are incredible sometimes. Once they were purple, so I went to my PCP and we did a steroid treatment.
One parting thought...imagine walking on water balloons. I feel like that. It makes one feel very unsteady. Water balloons in my feet and knees and sometimes hips....good ol' swollen bursae. :P
Monday, April 27, 2015
Granted to Us
From J.E. Tada's More Precious Than Silver
God made it clear that following Him would mean real hardship. Life is supposed to be difficult. More than that, it has been granted to us to suffer. Granted? Like a gift or a privilege? And what does "for Him" mean? Problems are built into the Christian life for a privileged purpose. If we're to follow Jesus, we have to follow Him to Calvary. That's something God wants us to understand the moment we come to Christ. God also wants us to realize it's a privilege to follow His Son this way....I had no idea it would involve paralysis. I was surprised at the painful trial at first...[but] it's the path to deep down joy and peace.
I always thought it would be suffering like being captured for my faith. Shunned by people for following God.
I go along with Joni on this one, now. It can be whatever is hard. Maybe being shunned for wanting to be godly and not see a certain movie, or refusing to sleep with a man, or yes, being beaten for faith. Or having rheumatoid arthritis. Those hard things and choices to avoid things are hard. And they show that you want to honor God.
How can you honor God when paralyzed or chronically ill? One, making the choice to keep the faith. Illness is often what drives people closer or further from God. Either they cling harder to His holy hand, or they quite literally bite His hand. It's a choice. Are you going to walk through what lies before you, God standing right beside you, or are you going to run and hide and fight alone? Fighting these things alone just doesn't work. Whether it's imprisonment or anorexia...the only way to freedom is through God. I may never have good RA control---but I have God, which gives me freedom. Spiritual freedom. I feel more free, even on sicker days, because of my King. I have Him to dwell on and praise...without Him, pure nothingness and darkness would be my only lot in life.
I've said it before, but I imagine Christ on the cross...taking every sin...and every sickness...until His death. The worst agony ever imaginable, and then being shunned by God. That sort of misery will never be seen again. I don't know how people stood there and watched...I wonder if it was visible on Him. The sun grew dark for hours, we know that much from the Word. He also refused painkillers---they mention myrrh, which was a pain killer as well as incense. I just can't imagine facing what He faced. Just dazzles me.
God made it clear that following Him would mean real hardship. Life is supposed to be difficult. More than that, it has been granted to us to suffer. Granted? Like a gift or a privilege? And what does "for Him" mean? Problems are built into the Christian life for a privileged purpose. If we're to follow Jesus, we have to follow Him to Calvary. That's something God wants us to understand the moment we come to Christ. God also wants us to realize it's a privilege to follow His Son this way....I had no idea it would involve paralysis. I was surprised at the painful trial at first...[but] it's the path to deep down joy and peace.
I always thought it would be suffering like being captured for my faith. Shunned by people for following God.
I go along with Joni on this one, now. It can be whatever is hard. Maybe being shunned for wanting to be godly and not see a certain movie, or refusing to sleep with a man, or yes, being beaten for faith. Or having rheumatoid arthritis. Those hard things and choices to avoid things are hard. And they show that you want to honor God.
How can you honor God when paralyzed or chronically ill? One, making the choice to keep the faith. Illness is often what drives people closer or further from God. Either they cling harder to His holy hand, or they quite literally bite His hand. It's a choice. Are you going to walk through what lies before you, God standing right beside you, or are you going to run and hide and fight alone? Fighting these things alone just doesn't work. Whether it's imprisonment or anorexia...the only way to freedom is through God. I may never have good RA control---but I have God, which gives me freedom. Spiritual freedom. I feel more free, even on sicker days, because of my King. I have Him to dwell on and praise...without Him, pure nothingness and darkness would be my only lot in life.
I've said it before, but I imagine Christ on the cross...taking every sin...and every sickness...until His death. The worst agony ever imaginable, and then being shunned by God. That sort of misery will never be seen again. I don't know how people stood there and watched...I wonder if it was visible on Him. The sun grew dark for hours, we know that much from the Word. He also refused painkillers---they mention myrrh, which was a pain killer as well as incense. I just can't imagine facing what He faced. Just dazzles me.
Bigger and Better
From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver
A disabled boy [from Ghana] said, "God has blessed people in your country with so much; why are so many unhappy?"
Another said, "Welcome to our country, where our God is bigger than your God....We have to trust God. We have no other hope."
They too want what they do not have, and have what they do not want. The difference is in the way they look at God. God always seems bigger to those who need Him the mos. Spiritual and physical poverty are the tools God uses to help us need Him more. Hardships press us up against Him. God seems bigger when we, in our eyes, seem poor.
I did too much. Again. I spent the last several days oblivious on the couch. Oblivious to the comings and goings of the family...murmuring goodbye or hello to family members...noting that my mother went to see my feeble Great Aunt, Mark went to electrical classes all weekend but not understanding anything told about them. In fact, the family has learned not to tell me much during flares because I do not understand. All I am aware of is fever, pain and sick.
I need to memorize some Psalms...I laid here on my bed wishing I had passages longer than a sentence to speak in my mind. So many many many passages of the Word comfort me, and if I had them memorized I could maybe think better. I prayed as I could, though I suspect my brain fog made them make little sense--thank the Lord He knows what I ask before I ask it.
We do have so much. And we have so little...we have so many material things, so many medications. Yet so many of us, like Martha and Mary, focus on the wrong thing. For instance, even with the time I had up, I spent most of it being up, and neglected my studies...I do not think I am being punished or anything for neglecting them, but how easy it is for us to be distracted! I was distracted by slowly adding walks outside, or looking at flowers in the greenhouse, or reading books...there was easily time for me to spend with God, yet I did not except in discussions a couple of times. I spent even less time with Him when I was working--possibly some time in the Word, but there was all that drive time I could have devoted to Him.
When there is nothing else, God does get bigger. God has gotten bigger for me with RA, maybe bigger than ever before. Even though He hasn't chosen to heal me, He is always there, and I need Him always there. Thankfully He is always there even when I am not always there for Him. He really is the epitome of a friend, a Father. There are few of us who will accept the on again off again type of relationship that we toss at God. We just won't accept that sort of thing from people. Thank the Lord He is the Lord and not people!
A disabled boy [from Ghana] said, "God has blessed people in your country with so much; why are so many unhappy?"
Another said, "Welcome to our country, where our God is bigger than your God....We have to trust God. We have no other hope."
They too want what they do not have, and have what they do not want. The difference is in the way they look at God. God always seems bigger to those who need Him the mos. Spiritual and physical poverty are the tools God uses to help us need Him more. Hardships press us up against Him. God seems bigger when we, in our eyes, seem poor.
I did too much. Again. I spent the last several days oblivious on the couch. Oblivious to the comings and goings of the family...murmuring goodbye or hello to family members...noting that my mother went to see my feeble Great Aunt, Mark went to electrical classes all weekend but not understanding anything told about them. In fact, the family has learned not to tell me much during flares because I do not understand. All I am aware of is fever, pain and sick.
I need to memorize some Psalms...I laid here on my bed wishing I had passages longer than a sentence to speak in my mind. So many many many passages of the Word comfort me, and if I had them memorized I could maybe think better. I prayed as I could, though I suspect my brain fog made them make little sense--thank the Lord He knows what I ask before I ask it.
We do have so much. And we have so little...we have so many material things, so many medications. Yet so many of us, like Martha and Mary, focus on the wrong thing. For instance, even with the time I had up, I spent most of it being up, and neglected my studies...I do not think I am being punished or anything for neglecting them, but how easy it is for us to be distracted! I was distracted by slowly adding walks outside, or looking at flowers in the greenhouse, or reading books...there was easily time for me to spend with God, yet I did not except in discussions a couple of times. I spent even less time with Him when I was working--possibly some time in the Word, but there was all that drive time I could have devoted to Him.
When there is nothing else, God does get bigger. God has gotten bigger for me with RA, maybe bigger than ever before. Even though He hasn't chosen to heal me, He is always there, and I need Him always there. Thankfully He is always there even when I am not always there for Him. He really is the epitome of a friend, a Father. There are few of us who will accept the on again off again type of relationship that we toss at God. We just won't accept that sort of thing from people. Thank the Lord He is the Lord and not people!
Friday, April 24, 2015
Wearied
From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver
Phil 3:10 10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,
Yes. We agree with the apostle. We'd like to know Jesus better, to be on good terms with Him. Absolutely! Who wouldn't want the Lord's power in his or her life?
"All I care for is...to share in His sufferings." Uh, sure. I guess tough times in moderate doses isn't all that bad; we all need a good soul scrubbing now and then.
"All I care for is....growing conformity with death." Wait a minute, not so fast. Like, martyrdom? Chronic pain? Rejection and abuse? I really don't care to know Christ that badly, we silently admit to ourselves.
We would love to have faith and strength of character. We yearn to live that nobly [as Paul], fight our vices that manfully. And who wouldn't want prayers answered like Paul?
But to know Christ is always a personal invitation to suffer with Christ.....the sweetness of communion with Christ far, far outweighs the suffering.
My pain, my physical pain, is generally under control now. There were times (and will be again, likely) where I could not think straight for the pain. Nothing, not even my own thoughts, could break through the wall of pain. Occasionally the best I could do to break through was to prop my Bible just so and read. The Words could wrench open sealed doors of pain and speak comfort to me.
I would not wish RA on anyone. I would not pick RA for myself. But I can say I have loved the sweet time I have had with God. I have talked about God more the last seven months of my illness than probably any other time. Nearly every day is a day I am speaking to another member of the family about God, what I learned, saw, thought, discovered...my Journey Notebook is filled with such things. How wonderfully sweet to have God revealing Himself to me in my pain.
The other day I was struck by the fact that Jesus sat at the Sumarian well because He was WEARIED by His journey. It was fascinating to me. Of course He could be tired. He was man. He had walked all day in the likely hot sun. But to feature God wearied just amazed me...and made me feel like He understands when I am so exhausted from my disease that my body is shaking. He knows! Somehow it fit better than the idea of suffering on the cross.
The suffering on the cross always makes me think that it was far far far far worse than anything any man would endure. There is a song that speaks of the darkness in the middle of the day, as if no one were allowed to see what was happening to Jesus---as if every sickness, sin etc., from every era and man were being placed on Him. Which is was...so I imagine it really was a worse crucifixion than any other.
Having God near me, knowing He is there, makes RA bearable. I don't know how anyone takes things like this without faith, without knowing their Father is there, upholding them. It is just so amazing to me that God is with me, loves me. Even with all the mistakes I make and will make....He values me.
Phil 3:10 10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,
Yes. We agree with the apostle. We'd like to know Jesus better, to be on good terms with Him. Absolutely! Who wouldn't want the Lord's power in his or her life?
"All I care for is...to share in His sufferings." Uh, sure. I guess tough times in moderate doses isn't all that bad; we all need a good soul scrubbing now and then.
"All I care for is....growing conformity with death." Wait a minute, not so fast. Like, martyrdom? Chronic pain? Rejection and abuse? I really don't care to know Christ that badly, we silently admit to ourselves.
We would love to have faith and strength of character. We yearn to live that nobly [as Paul], fight our vices that manfully. And who wouldn't want prayers answered like Paul?
But to know Christ is always a personal invitation to suffer with Christ.....the sweetness of communion with Christ far, far outweighs the suffering.
My pain, my physical pain, is generally under control now. There were times (and will be again, likely) where I could not think straight for the pain. Nothing, not even my own thoughts, could break through the wall of pain. Occasionally the best I could do to break through was to prop my Bible just so and read. The Words could wrench open sealed doors of pain and speak comfort to me.
I would not wish RA on anyone. I would not pick RA for myself. But I can say I have loved the sweet time I have had with God. I have talked about God more the last seven months of my illness than probably any other time. Nearly every day is a day I am speaking to another member of the family about God, what I learned, saw, thought, discovered...my Journey Notebook is filled with such things. How wonderfully sweet to have God revealing Himself to me in my pain.
The other day I was struck by the fact that Jesus sat at the Sumarian well because He was WEARIED by His journey. It was fascinating to me. Of course He could be tired. He was man. He had walked all day in the likely hot sun. But to feature God wearied just amazed me...and made me feel like He understands when I am so exhausted from my disease that my body is shaking. He knows! Somehow it fit better than the idea of suffering on the cross.
The suffering on the cross always makes me think that it was far far far far worse than anything any man would endure. There is a song that speaks of the darkness in the middle of the day, as if no one were allowed to see what was happening to Jesus---as if every sickness, sin etc., from every era and man were being placed on Him. Which is was...so I imagine it really was a worse crucifixion than any other.
Having God near me, knowing He is there, makes RA bearable. I don't know how anyone takes things like this without faith, without knowing their Father is there, upholding them. It is just so amazing to me that God is with me, loves me. Even with all the mistakes I make and will make....He values me.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Magic Wand
From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver
Col 2:3 3 in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.
Christ is not a magic wand that can be waved over our problem to make them disappear. Wisdom and knowledge---including knowledge how to be content---are hidden in Him, like a treasure that needs to be searched for. To search for something concealed requires work Jer 29:13 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart
Seeking the hidden treasure of contentment in Christ doesn't come automatically. A...As we wrap our hands around a problem and in faith press on, strive and stand firm, divine energy surges through us. You make the choices; God gives you strength. He gives you the strength to hold you tongue when you feel you have cause for complaining. He imparts strength to look out for another's interest before your own. He impart the strength to choose a bright attitude when you wake in the morning.
The problems don't go away...but you have quietness of the heart and a settled soul.
We do just think of God as some sort of magic wand. Got a cold? Poof, instant fix. Cancer is gone, people walk who shouldn't etc etc.
Yet He does not always answer. And for those people it can be the destruction of faith. He cares so little, they say, that I can be this sick (or the spouse, child, dog even), then I won't care for Him, either. We sound like spoiled children, if you read that sentence right.
"Mama won't give me another ice cream so she hates me." "Dad won't let me go skiing [even though I didn't do homework]--He hates me!"
We never look past our little runny noses...we just smear it across our sleeve and whine to everyone about us that we have (or no longer believe in) this God of the Universe who let us even HAVE colds.
Oh, yes, what I would give to be as healthy as I was a year ago. Or five. The girl who could tote 50 pound sacks of feed, toss 70 lb hay bales, garden all day...I don't know where she went....this body drops cups because her hands won't hold onto heavy glasses...is terrified to hold babies for fear of dropping them. Gauges how long she can walk before joints swell three times the size of "normal".
But I have gained much. I have not studied a lot the last few days, and feel the lack, so likely once i have posted a few posts on my past studies, I will curl up and read the Word, read what others have noted. What a refreshing thing.
The Word, for a sick person, is so wonderful. It distracts better than anything--pain and nausea both. There is indeed power in the Word.
I feel God in more places than I have before. God is with me (us), Emmanuel. We miss that so much of the time. I have the last couple of days--God has not been on the front burner as He often has been. I feel God more in prayer than I have before, and my prayer life is changing. I always felt confused about prayer. Jesus says in the one place how we should pray, but He prayed differently...which is right? I think both are...I think God likes, make that loves, hearing our thoughts, dreams, fears. After all, He knows them already, but what parent does not love hearing those things from their child? The parent most upset by their child is the parent who has a child that does not talk to them. Ever. God is Abba, Father. I never felt like calling Him that until this stupid RA stuff. Father, yes...but not with the idea of a beloved Father. Father more in the sense of great respect, not great love. I love God, Abba Father, my King so much that there really are not words.
And imagine....He loves me and you more than that. Wow.
As said many other places, I am alone a lot. I do not blame anyone for this, I do not expect someone to sit with me 24/7. In fact, it would probably drive me nuts...don't you have something to do other than watch me? lol. I LOVE visitors, I have been so so blessed by many visitors--again and again I thank you for your kindness.
But also as I have said so many many times....I am not alone. I forget it, sometimes, but the sight of my Bible, or the bookmark of my blog, or a post on FB will suddenly shine a light. God. I have God! Oh, how blessed am I!
Col 2:3 3 in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.
Christ is not a magic wand that can be waved over our problem to make them disappear. Wisdom and knowledge---including knowledge how to be content---are hidden in Him, like a treasure that needs to be searched for. To search for something concealed requires work Jer 29:13 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart
Seeking the hidden treasure of contentment in Christ doesn't come automatically. A...As we wrap our hands around a problem and in faith press on, strive and stand firm, divine energy surges through us. You make the choices; God gives you strength. He gives you the strength to hold you tongue when you feel you have cause for complaining. He imparts strength to look out for another's interest before your own. He impart the strength to choose a bright attitude when you wake in the morning.
The problems don't go away...but you have quietness of the heart and a settled soul.
We do just think of God as some sort of magic wand. Got a cold? Poof, instant fix. Cancer is gone, people walk who shouldn't etc etc.
Yet He does not always answer. And for those people it can be the destruction of faith. He cares so little, they say, that I can be this sick (or the spouse, child, dog even), then I won't care for Him, either. We sound like spoiled children, if you read that sentence right.
"Mama won't give me another ice cream so she hates me." "Dad won't let me go skiing [even though I didn't do homework]--He hates me!"
We never look past our little runny noses...we just smear it across our sleeve and whine to everyone about us that we have (or no longer believe in) this God of the Universe who let us even HAVE colds.
Oh, yes, what I would give to be as healthy as I was a year ago. Or five. The girl who could tote 50 pound sacks of feed, toss 70 lb hay bales, garden all day...I don't know where she went....this body drops cups because her hands won't hold onto heavy glasses...is terrified to hold babies for fear of dropping them. Gauges how long she can walk before joints swell three times the size of "normal".
But I have gained much. I have not studied a lot the last few days, and feel the lack, so likely once i have posted a few posts on my past studies, I will curl up and read the Word, read what others have noted. What a refreshing thing.
The Word, for a sick person, is so wonderful. It distracts better than anything--pain and nausea both. There is indeed power in the Word.
I feel God in more places than I have before. God is with me (us), Emmanuel. We miss that so much of the time. I have the last couple of days--God has not been on the front burner as He often has been. I feel God more in prayer than I have before, and my prayer life is changing. I always felt confused about prayer. Jesus says in the one place how we should pray, but He prayed differently...which is right? I think both are...I think God likes, make that loves, hearing our thoughts, dreams, fears. After all, He knows them already, but what parent does not love hearing those things from their child? The parent most upset by their child is the parent who has a child that does not talk to them. Ever. God is Abba, Father. I never felt like calling Him that until this stupid RA stuff. Father, yes...but not with the idea of a beloved Father. Father more in the sense of great respect, not great love. I love God, Abba Father, my King so much that there really are not words.
And imagine....He loves me and you more than that. Wow.
As said many other places, I am alone a lot. I do not blame anyone for this, I do not expect someone to sit with me 24/7. In fact, it would probably drive me nuts...don't you have something to do other than watch me? lol. I LOVE visitors, I have been so so blessed by many visitors--again and again I thank you for your kindness.
But also as I have said so many many times....I am not alone. I forget it, sometimes, but the sight of my Bible, or the bookmark of my blog, or a post on FB will suddenly shine a light. God. I have God! Oh, how blessed am I!
RA Post:4.22.15
No major updates...still on Enbrel weekly injections (took second one the other day)...and, of course, can't see a difference yet. At least it isn't making me sicker.
Spent more than 24 hours asleep. Now on the opposite side with terrible insomnia as the pain jerks me awake as soon as I almost fall asleep. Still do not get why it is easier for anyone with RA to sleep in the daytime. My theory is the gravitational pull of the sun changes the pain. lol. Who knows.
Made three walks today, my goal being two. They aren't long, they aren't fast, but they are movement. Goal is to be three walks, then four...or else longer ones, whichever. Easy to tell if I overdo....my joint swelling will double in about an hours time and be downright incredible. Like a major sprain, sometimes with slight bruising. So yes. I have learned to baby these joints. And try and drop weight. That ought the be interesting since I can really only cut calories. I was too used to not being able to eat anything for several months.
Not a whole lot of reading, but will make a "faith" post tomorrow.
Spent more than 24 hours asleep. Now on the opposite side with terrible insomnia as the pain jerks me awake as soon as I almost fall asleep. Still do not get why it is easier for anyone with RA to sleep in the daytime. My theory is the gravitational pull of the sun changes the pain. lol. Who knows.
Made three walks today, my goal being two. They aren't long, they aren't fast, but they are movement. Goal is to be three walks, then four...or else longer ones, whichever. Easy to tell if I overdo....my joint swelling will double in about an hours time and be downright incredible. Like a major sprain, sometimes with slight bruising. So yes. I have learned to baby these joints. And try and drop weight. That ought the be interesting since I can really only cut calories. I was too used to not being able to eat anything for several months.
Not a whole lot of reading, but will make a "faith" post tomorrow.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Do You Mean It?
Abundant Life---Guthrie
[paraphrase--changed person to third rather than first person--harder to read to me that way]
From His abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another. Jn 1.16 -----16 Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given.
When you ask Him to bless your plans....[do] you really know what you are asking for. Yo be blessed is to experience God and know more of Him. To ask Him to bless your life and your efforts is to invite Him into the center of them. That is the essence of blessing, the joy of it. Oh, how He longs to bless us. He wants to share from His abundance one gracious blessing after another
To be blessed is to be deeply content in Him. It is to make your home so securely in God that nothing can shake you. You can be blessed in the midst of a miserable situation, because being blessed doesn't mean you have no troubles, struggles and sorrows; it doesn't mean you always experience success and comfort. Instead, it means that in the midst of the trouble or struggle or sorrow, you find yourself deeply secure, profoundly content and happy in God----that is the essence of blessing.
Last night was an amazing God moment. I do not have them to this point very often, and I am still somewhat floored.
I have not had bad anxiety with my RA...mainly because I was either too nauseated to HAVE anxiety, or the fact that pain medications do work on anxiety.
But....my pain was worse. The swelling was worse...the longing to be a "normal" person again was profoundly drowning me to the point of misery worse than the pain in my knee and feet. So, quite literally, since emotional pain lights up pain centers in the brain like a Christmas parade...I was full body pain and misery.
I kept half-heartedly trying to do things. Go out in the sunshine, try and move about some of that swelling. Didn't really sit and do my Bible studies, mainly because my hands were killing me, and I couldn't get notes down.
It was a hard RA day.
The whole day settled a little with the arrival of my mother, bearing RA friendly gifts. Gel cushions to add to pens and pencils! Oh, thank you! A new mandala coloring book! A fancy pencil sharpener! And some glitter glue, although I am not sure how to utilize it on copy paper...I have wanted to wood burn mandalas--I could use the glitter there. But I digress, this is not the main topic.
My big God moment was my trying to sleep...sleep which really has not come; I am not even super tired, and take short little naps....I am hoping it is my Enbrel shot working.
I was stretched out on the couch, every pillow, cushion and blanket settled just so, and yet, there it was. Terror. Panic attacks. The inability to breathe or swallow. I know how to ignore these symptoms and work through them, but there were especially bad. I finally scribbled out in my prayer book Help me...although it was in a journal entry. I began to write out verses since the cushions made it easier to write...and about ten minutes later this song entered the view:
God of Wonders
[Chorus:]
God of wonders beyond our galaxy
You are Holy, Holy
The universe declares your Majesty
And you are holy holy
Lord of Heaven and Earth
Lord of Heaven and Earth
What is amazing is that I was not reading passages similar to that...and yet my terror left me and did not return for the night.
God really does care about us. His Spirit helped carry the load with me (fear), and the load was so quickly dumped into the refuse pile that He and I celebrated Him. It really was an amazing moment for me, and I am so thankful that He helped me out. Just by throwing a favorite praise song into my heart, and my belting it out. I imagine it made any evil spirits cower...lost another victim for the time being. Praise God.
[paraphrase--changed person to third rather than first person--harder to read to me that way]
From His abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another. Jn 1.16 -----16 Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given.
When you ask Him to bless your plans....[do] you really know what you are asking for. Yo be blessed is to experience God and know more of Him. To ask Him to bless your life and your efforts is to invite Him into the center of them. That is the essence of blessing, the joy of it. Oh, how He longs to bless us. He wants to share from His abundance one gracious blessing after another
To be blessed is to be deeply content in Him. It is to make your home so securely in God that nothing can shake you. You can be blessed in the midst of a miserable situation, because being blessed doesn't mean you have no troubles, struggles and sorrows; it doesn't mean you always experience success and comfort. Instead, it means that in the midst of the trouble or struggle or sorrow, you find yourself deeply secure, profoundly content and happy in God----that is the essence of blessing.
Last night was an amazing God moment. I do not have them to this point very often, and I am still somewhat floored.
I have not had bad anxiety with my RA...mainly because I was either too nauseated to HAVE anxiety, or the fact that pain medications do work on anxiety.
But....my pain was worse. The swelling was worse...the longing to be a "normal" person again was profoundly drowning me to the point of misery worse than the pain in my knee and feet. So, quite literally, since emotional pain lights up pain centers in the brain like a Christmas parade...I was full body pain and misery.
I kept half-heartedly trying to do things. Go out in the sunshine, try and move about some of that swelling. Didn't really sit and do my Bible studies, mainly because my hands were killing me, and I couldn't get notes down.
It was a hard RA day.
The whole day settled a little with the arrival of my mother, bearing RA friendly gifts. Gel cushions to add to pens and pencils! Oh, thank you! A new mandala coloring book! A fancy pencil sharpener! And some glitter glue, although I am not sure how to utilize it on copy paper...I have wanted to wood burn mandalas--I could use the glitter there. But I digress, this is not the main topic.
My big God moment was my trying to sleep...sleep which really has not come; I am not even super tired, and take short little naps....I am hoping it is my Enbrel shot working.
I was stretched out on the couch, every pillow, cushion and blanket settled just so, and yet, there it was. Terror. Panic attacks. The inability to breathe or swallow. I know how to ignore these symptoms and work through them, but there were especially bad. I finally scribbled out in my prayer book Help me...although it was in a journal entry. I began to write out verses since the cushions made it easier to write...and about ten minutes later this song entered the view:
God of Wonders
[Chorus:]
God of wonders beyond our galaxy
You are Holy, Holy
The universe declares your Majesty
And you are holy holy
Lord of Heaven and Earth
Lord of Heaven and Earth
What is amazing is that I was not reading passages similar to that...and yet my terror left me and did not return for the night.
God really does care about us. His Spirit helped carry the load with me (fear), and the load was so quickly dumped into the refuse pile that He and I celebrated Him. It really was an amazing moment for me, and I am so thankful that He helped me out. Just by throwing a favorite praise song into my heart, and my belting it out. I imagine it made any evil spirits cower...lost another victim for the time being. Praise God.
Monday, April 20, 2015
Rushing Grace
J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver
We rush through the present moment to quickly reach the next one. As a result we don't pay sufficient attention to the immediate. Oswald Chambers has said: "Grace is for 'right now'. It is not a process toward some future goal, but an end in and of itself. If we would only realize this, then each moment would become rich with meaning and purpose."
One thing about RA, and out of control RA at that...I spend a lot of time in the right now. I cannot be focused on working, possible continued college, kids or anything else. I have to stay in the right now...because if I begin to focus on what could be....it always breaks my heart, because I have shown myself also what may never be.
We do not spend time considering what God mentions to us in our day. We glaze over, not noting His creation, the wise Words spoken...we miss majorly important things in our "goal" of getting over the "finish" line first. Whatever that finish line may be.
If I think of the future, of being a nurse again....and consider the idea of NOT being able to do it, my whole being is quite crushed. If instead I stay focused on the now, this very minute, it is more bearable. I feel vaguely like I contribute in the "now" by my studying, but I feel very useless if I focus further ahead.
That is not to say we cannot have dreams of the future. I have so many! I think it is good to dream dreams, and to strive towards them (assuming they are in God's plan for you)...but we need to remember to stay and do what is needed here and now. Worshiping God here and now, helping family here and now...much like the story of Martha and Mary. Which, at that moment, was more important? Listening to the Messiah with full attention or dusting? Listening to the Messiah was of more importance...not to say the cleaning was completely useless, it was just not the most valuable at that time.
We rush through the present moment to quickly reach the next one. As a result we don't pay sufficient attention to the immediate. Oswald Chambers has said: "Grace is for 'right now'. It is not a process toward some future goal, but an end in and of itself. If we would only realize this, then each moment would become rich with meaning and purpose."
One thing about RA, and out of control RA at that...I spend a lot of time in the right now. I cannot be focused on working, possible continued college, kids or anything else. I have to stay in the right now...because if I begin to focus on what could be....it always breaks my heart, because I have shown myself also what may never be.
We do not spend time considering what God mentions to us in our day. We glaze over, not noting His creation, the wise Words spoken...we miss majorly important things in our "goal" of getting over the "finish" line first. Whatever that finish line may be.
If I think of the future, of being a nurse again....and consider the idea of NOT being able to do it, my whole being is quite crushed. If instead I stay focused on the now, this very minute, it is more bearable. I feel vaguely like I contribute in the "now" by my studying, but I feel very useless if I focus further ahead.
That is not to say we cannot have dreams of the future. I have so many! I think it is good to dream dreams, and to strive towards them (assuming they are in God's plan for you)...but we need to remember to stay and do what is needed here and now. Worshiping God here and now, helping family here and now...much like the story of Martha and Mary. Which, at that moment, was more important? Listening to the Messiah with full attention or dusting? Listening to the Messiah was of more importance...not to say the cleaning was completely useless, it was just not the most valuable at that time.
God's Misery
From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver
Scripture indicates that He feels anguish deeper than you and I can understand. He is the Father who carries the pain of our disobedience.
---We who have brought such pan to God can also bring joy, delight and companionship as we accept His cure and walk with His Son.
Imagine the pleasure God derives from everything He has made. What do you think surged through Him the minute after billion galaxies burst into being? Think of what surges through God's heart when you---the epitome of creation---make it your ambition to be pleasing to Him, aspiring to fulfill all His greatest desires for you
I imagine that He really does feel a great amount of anguish at our suffering. Parents certainly do not like watching their children suffer, I cannot imagine that a God such as ours would revel in "picking" on us. The Evil ones, perhaps. But God, no.
I imagine, as well....the slightly overpowering sense of the Holy Spirit on some days of study must be a small sample of the joy He feels towards us. You know what I mean...when you are reading or discussing God with others and there is such a fire burning from His Spirit. I bet that is a lot of joy in us, for making that effort to be with Him.
I have not studied the last several days, my posts still being more than a month behind where I am at in other books. I was (am?--hoping it is gone) a period of apathy towards life in general. Here I am still limited in mobility with my RA, my pain is nearing a 7/10 again, and I have not slept more than two hours a day the last four days. I am tired of being ill, terrified by the prospects of what I could possibly see in the destruction of my body. I just want to be better, and to not have to struggle any more with fevers, sweats, insomnia....so forth and so on.
But, with the hole is studying comes a similar hole of not speaking to God, communicating my thoughts with Him. In other words, I have been more focused on "me" than on my "King", which means I suffer all around because I do not receive the free help available to me.
It's obvious I cannot do this alone. I was quite short tempered yesterday----worse maybe than I have been. But then, I also faced my first birthday "sick", and found the whole idea distressing. Still, that is no excuse to be short tempered with others.
The more I study the more astounded I am about God's character. I do not expect it to be something I ever completely understand....even ages upon ages past the now. He is too wonderful for comprehension, as I song goes. Thank goodness for that. I would really find having a "god" who was so quickly understood to be scary and not someone to lean on. Instead we have the most amazing Person to lean on, who will never tire, and always, always, through the longest watches of the night....be right there.
Psalm 6:1-7 (NIV)
Scripture indicates that He feels anguish deeper than you and I can understand. He is the Father who carries the pain of our disobedience.
1 John 1:7 New International Version (NIV)
7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all[a] sin.---We who have brought such pan to God can also bring joy, delight and companionship as we accept His cure and walk with His Son.
Imagine the pleasure God derives from everything He has made. What do you think surged through Him the minute after billion galaxies burst into being? Think of what surges through God's heart when you---the epitome of creation---make it your ambition to be pleasing to Him, aspiring to fulfill all His greatest desires for you
I imagine that He really does feel a great amount of anguish at our suffering. Parents certainly do not like watching their children suffer, I cannot imagine that a God such as ours would revel in "picking" on us. The Evil ones, perhaps. But God, no.
I imagine, as well....the slightly overpowering sense of the Holy Spirit on some days of study must be a small sample of the joy He feels towards us. You know what I mean...when you are reading or discussing God with others and there is such a fire burning from His Spirit. I bet that is a lot of joy in us, for making that effort to be with Him.
I have not studied the last several days, my posts still being more than a month behind where I am at in other books. I was (am?--hoping it is gone) a period of apathy towards life in general. Here I am still limited in mobility with my RA, my pain is nearing a 7/10 again, and I have not slept more than two hours a day the last four days. I am tired of being ill, terrified by the prospects of what I could possibly see in the destruction of my body. I just want to be better, and to not have to struggle any more with fevers, sweats, insomnia....so forth and so on.
But, with the hole is studying comes a similar hole of not speaking to God, communicating my thoughts with Him. In other words, I have been more focused on "me" than on my "King", which means I suffer all around because I do not receive the free help available to me.
It's obvious I cannot do this alone. I was quite short tempered yesterday----worse maybe than I have been. But then, I also faced my first birthday "sick", and found the whole idea distressing. Still, that is no excuse to be short tempered with others.
The more I study the more astounded I am about God's character. I do not expect it to be something I ever completely understand....even ages upon ages past the now. He is too wonderful for comprehension, as I song goes. Thank goodness for that. I would really find having a "god" who was so quickly understood to be scary and not someone to lean on. Instead we have the most amazing Person to lean on, who will never tire, and always, always, through the longest watches of the night....be right there.
Psalm 6:1-7 (NIV)
Saturday, April 18, 2015
RA Post:4.18.15
Not noticing a big difference yet with Enbrel, but that is not surprising, as I have only had the one shot and have been in a huge flare for the last two weeks. I am so swollen that my shoes cannot be tied and leave marks on my feet. I went for my walk today, and nearly couldn't get my shoes off from the swelling. Right knee, which has always been the worst, was not happy about bending.
I hope to go for a second walk, but then...there is this fine line. Push the joints far enough to keep pretty mobile...push too hard and damage them. I may just try and do Range of Motion, but I can't do those with my ankles and knees without making swelling double. Even with just three slow movements.
Desperately needing to drop weight. Did pretty good at not eating too much today. Pain either makes it so you want to eat all the time or not eat at all. Since I can't exercise (much) I have to do massive calorie cutting.
When the Enbrel kicks in, I would like to add physical therapy at the pool. I can learn some stuff to use on my own, when to push it, when to not...and then do my own pool therapy. water is the best with RA...but at this point water makes me feel so sick sometimes. I think it is the vasodilation on top of all the swelling...so swelling gets worse in a way? I don't know, but it's terrible terrible sick. Awful. Like so bad you just lay on the floor of the bathroom for an hour, can't get dressed again type of sudden sick. Yick.
Anyway...ever hopeful. Tuesday is another shot day--looking forward to it. Then I will make an appointment to see the rheumy again for a follow up, talk about the swelling I have been having, since it has been making my joints purple. See if he wants to do something, is concerned, etc. I still have feeling and circulation...but it's something recommended to speak to MD about.
I hope to go for a second walk, but then...there is this fine line. Push the joints far enough to keep pretty mobile...push too hard and damage them. I may just try and do Range of Motion, but I can't do those with my ankles and knees without making swelling double. Even with just three slow movements.
Desperately needing to drop weight. Did pretty good at not eating too much today. Pain either makes it so you want to eat all the time or not eat at all. Since I can't exercise (much) I have to do massive calorie cutting.
When the Enbrel kicks in, I would like to add physical therapy at the pool. I can learn some stuff to use on my own, when to push it, when to not...and then do my own pool therapy. water is the best with RA...but at this point water makes me feel so sick sometimes. I think it is the vasodilation on top of all the swelling...so swelling gets worse in a way? I don't know, but it's terrible terrible sick. Awful. Like so bad you just lay on the floor of the bathroom for an hour, can't get dressed again type of sudden sick. Yick.
Anyway...ever hopeful. Tuesday is another shot day--looking forward to it. Then I will make an appointment to see the rheumy again for a follow up, talk about the swelling I have been having, since it has been making my joints purple. See if he wants to do something, is concerned, etc. I still have feeling and circulation...but it's something recommended to speak to MD about.
Caring Father
From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver
Besides sin, God has a strong distaste for suffering. God is truly grieved at how we've ruined the world and abused each other...."He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men," Lam 3.33.
One day, very soon,....God will close the curtain on sin, sweeping suffering and all its pain and tears away forever. Until that time, He permits what He hates to accomplish something mysterious and wonderful that He loves. Christ in us.
[A child permanently injured by chemicals] has no concept of what life could have been had he not disobeyed, his father will carry the pain of his son's disobedience for the rest of his life. Blinded by our fallen nature, we have only the vaguest notion of what consequences of our disobedience in our lives. But God has complete understanding. He sees not only what is and will be but also what might have been.
Knowing how hard it is for many parents to discipline their children at all due to the love they feel for them...I can see how it would be hard for God to allow suffering to go on. But really...until the End of Time is here, it has to go on. We just wouldn't look for Him or to Him otherwise, because we don't see Him all the time. We can too easily forget that God is there. That God exists and cares...but when we face terrible trials, we find out how caring a Father He really is, and how He stays right there, sitting up through the watches of the night with us. Sometimes we are foolish enough to take on the trial ourselves. We might even make it for a while. But I guarantee that you will get too tired soon, and need to crawl into Abba Father's lap and let Him run the show.
I always think about the story of Lucy asking Aslan in the Chronicles of Narnia when on the Island of the Duffers in the third book....Lucy asks Aslan if she couldn't know what MIGHT have happened...and Aslan replied sorrowfully that no, no one was allowed to know what MIGHT have been.
It's a weird thought to think that my choice to snap at someone irritably makes a huge difference. Every choice and action we pick makes a huge difference...we don't get a "do over" on choices. Makes me want to think on them more, what words I say, things I pick to do. Pray continually that I make godly choices.
I was so thankful to God the other day, and I am loving that the more thankful I am to God, the more thankful I get! Sounds redundant, I know...but I love how much joy in thankfulness I have been discovering by thanking God for little things---the things that really are so special and we ignore. Health, home, family...we take them for granted. My, though...once you start thanking God for them, you just find yourself going on and on and on about blessings, and nearly crying because even during the hardest of times, there He is, still doing amazing, loving, wonderful things for you!
Besides sin, God has a strong distaste for suffering. God is truly grieved at how we've ruined the world and abused each other...."He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men," Lam 3.33.
One day, very soon,....God will close the curtain on sin, sweeping suffering and all its pain and tears away forever. Until that time, He permits what He hates to accomplish something mysterious and wonderful that He loves. Christ in us.
[A child permanently injured by chemicals] has no concept of what life could have been had he not disobeyed, his father will carry the pain of his son's disobedience for the rest of his life. Blinded by our fallen nature, we have only the vaguest notion of what consequences of our disobedience in our lives. But God has complete understanding. He sees not only what is and will be but also what might have been.
Knowing how hard it is for many parents to discipline their children at all due to the love they feel for them...I can see how it would be hard for God to allow suffering to go on. But really...until the End of Time is here, it has to go on. We just wouldn't look for Him or to Him otherwise, because we don't see Him all the time. We can too easily forget that God is there. That God exists and cares...but when we face terrible trials, we find out how caring a Father He really is, and how He stays right there, sitting up through the watches of the night with us. Sometimes we are foolish enough to take on the trial ourselves. We might even make it for a while. But I guarantee that you will get too tired soon, and need to crawl into Abba Father's lap and let Him run the show.
I always think about the story of Lucy asking Aslan in the Chronicles of Narnia when on the Island of the Duffers in the third book....Lucy asks Aslan if she couldn't know what MIGHT have happened...and Aslan replied sorrowfully that no, no one was allowed to know what MIGHT have been.
It's a weird thought to think that my choice to snap at someone irritably makes a huge difference. Every choice and action we pick makes a huge difference...we don't get a "do over" on choices. Makes me want to think on them more, what words I say, things I pick to do. Pray continually that I make godly choices.
I was so thankful to God the other day, and I am loving that the more thankful I am to God, the more thankful I get! Sounds redundant, I know...but I love how much joy in thankfulness I have been discovering by thanking God for little things---the things that really are so special and we ignore. Health, home, family...we take them for granted. My, though...once you start thanking God for them, you just find yourself going on and on and on about blessings, and nearly crying because even during the hardest of times, there He is, still doing amazing, loving, wonderful things for you!
Loss
More Precious than Silver, J.E. Tada
It's tough to lose...yet God makes the supreme request of us: lose yourself. Ah, but not for our own sakes and certainly not for nothing. To lose your life for Jesus' sake is to not only find Him but find the "you" you are supposed to be. The you God has in mind.
No matter how connected we are with our loved ones, we are always left aching for more, for someone to comprehend our world and enter our struggle---to embrace us with a passion that seizes and melts us into a union that will never be broken. God answers this ancient longing.
The offer to lose yourself for Christ's sake is incredibly enticing; to catch God's good mood, to delight in the cascade of His joy, and to feel Him embracing you with a passion, seizing and melting you into a union with Him that can never be broken.
I have spent years fighting. Fighting to not lose me, change who I was. I wanted to stay the same. As a youth I wanted to keep my anger. It was right to be angry...(although honestly I am not sure what I was angry about). I wasn't going to give it up. Anger was my RIGHT. I read "Stepping Heavenward" at the age of 14...and terror filled me, because the book was about an angry youth, and the terrible hardships she found by holding onto that anger. One line shook me to the core..."your character (said to the daughter from the mother) will be solidified by your twentieth year. I hope it is better than now (at 16). I had clung to rage so long that at that point I tried to change...thinking I would be stuck however I was at 20 for life. A ridiculous thought, life does not actually work that way...change continues, even with our best efforts at stopping it.
I fought change and loss every step.
How foolish. Change and loss...especially change and loss to God is so worthwhile. It doesn't seem like it, especially at first. The change and loss is so against what we think should happen that we decide it is a fate worse than death. If we didn't change or lose anything...that would be a fate worse than death. I would still be stuck in the fury I was as a pre teen...and who wants to be stuck as a pre-teen the rest of their life?
I have given much up to loss lately, and I was describing today that the more I focus on God and learn about God, the bigger He gets. It is as if as I am downloading the file, the file is getting infinitely bigger. God is infinitely more loving, more kind, more powerful, more concerned, more everything and more anything today than I could have ever imagined yesterday...and so it has been the last little bit. He is so incredible that giving up what I have lost is nothing. Nothing. Worthless. The connection with God is what is most important, not whether I can work, whether I can do anything...just knowing and worshiping God is the amazing thing. It's worth it to get lost in God...because you do find out more about yourself. And He starts to change you anyway, and that turns out better than you ever thought it could.
I am so glad God is in charge and not me...I'd ruin it all...and still be in a rage and full of many other things that have been slowly ironed out by "losing" myself. Thank the Lord!
It's tough to lose...yet God makes the supreme request of us: lose yourself. Ah, but not for our own sakes and certainly not for nothing. To lose your life for Jesus' sake is to not only find Him but find the "you" you are supposed to be. The you God has in mind.
No matter how connected we are with our loved ones, we are always left aching for more, for someone to comprehend our world and enter our struggle---to embrace us with a passion that seizes and melts us into a union that will never be broken. God answers this ancient longing.
The offer to lose yourself for Christ's sake is incredibly enticing; to catch God's good mood, to delight in the cascade of His joy, and to feel Him embracing you with a passion, seizing and melting you into a union with Him that can never be broken.
I have spent years fighting. Fighting to not lose me, change who I was. I wanted to stay the same. As a youth I wanted to keep my anger. It was right to be angry...(although honestly I am not sure what I was angry about). I wasn't going to give it up. Anger was my RIGHT. I read "Stepping Heavenward" at the age of 14...and terror filled me, because the book was about an angry youth, and the terrible hardships she found by holding onto that anger. One line shook me to the core..."your character (said to the daughter from the mother) will be solidified by your twentieth year. I hope it is better than now (at 16). I had clung to rage so long that at that point I tried to change...thinking I would be stuck however I was at 20 for life. A ridiculous thought, life does not actually work that way...change continues, even with our best efforts at stopping it.
I fought change and loss every step.
How foolish. Change and loss...especially change and loss to God is so worthwhile. It doesn't seem like it, especially at first. The change and loss is so against what we think should happen that we decide it is a fate worse than death. If we didn't change or lose anything...that would be a fate worse than death. I would still be stuck in the fury I was as a pre teen...and who wants to be stuck as a pre-teen the rest of their life?
I have given much up to loss lately, and I was describing today that the more I focus on God and learn about God, the bigger He gets. It is as if as I am downloading the file, the file is getting infinitely bigger. God is infinitely more loving, more kind, more powerful, more concerned, more everything and more anything today than I could have ever imagined yesterday...and so it has been the last little bit. He is so incredible that giving up what I have lost is nothing. Nothing. Worthless. The connection with God is what is most important, not whether I can work, whether I can do anything...just knowing and worshiping God is the amazing thing. It's worth it to get lost in God...because you do find out more about yourself. And He starts to change you anyway, and that turns out better than you ever thought it could.
I am so glad God is in charge and not me...I'd ruin it all...and still be in a rage and full of many other things that have been slowly ironed out by "losing" myself. Thank the Lord!
Friday, April 17, 2015
Watching Millions
The Father has life in Himself, and He has granted His Son to have life in Himself. Jn 5.26
You search the Scriptures because you believe they give you eternal life. But the Scriptures point to me! Jn 5.39
Your approval or disapproval means nothing to me, because I know you don't have God's love within you. For I have come to you representing my Father, and you refuse welcome me, even though you readily accept others who represent only themselves. Jn 5.41-43
Simon Peter replied, "Lord, to whom would we go? You alone have words that give eternal life. We believe them, and we know You are the Holy One of God." Jn 6.68
From J.E. Tada's More Precious Than Silver
10 His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms Eph 3.10
The powers and principalities, all the heavenly hosts and the dark rulers of the universe, millions of unseen beings, are intensely interested to see just how God is to sustain the weak and weary.
God teaches the unseen world all about Himself and He does it using you and me as His audiovisual aids. We are used of the Lord to show the universe how great, awesome and wonderful He is. Sufferings not only helped the one to grow in Christ, but they demonstrated [to the demons] how powerful God's sustaining grace is. The result? Greater glory to God. One day it will all be shown to all that God was able to rescue sinners, redeem suffering, crush the rebellious, restore all things, vindicate His Holy Name, provide restitution....and come out all the more glorious for it.
Considering the statements I have heard in my life in the world...we are so watched. The hurt and anger that those who have no faith state about us who believe is not good. We do all these things without thinking the consequences beyond ourselves. We make choices in the grocery stores, the freeway, even church that show a complete lack of God's love. We tell people what they do is wrong, but we do not do so with love.
We should be careful, pray that we walk and talk with God's love and peace, so that we show a good example of what God is. Instead....we show an example of a person blinded by the world, by the evil ones who rule at this point...and we maybe ruin chances that could have been.
I would rather no suffer. I feel like I have suffered so many years of my life. But I have seen good things from that suffering, hopefully for other people...because sometimes suffering that would just be for me is too pointless. I can suffer for God, for others...but I don't like the idea of suffering that does nothing.
I still don't know what the long term point of this is. I say it all the time. But I am here. God will use me...and I still get filled with dreams and hopes. I don't know which ones God will send me on, if any, but for now, I get to focus on God, try and focus on learning what I am learning. And hoping that what actions I take....millions note.
Doubting Goodness
From J.E. Tada's More Precious Than Silver
It was a dull Saturday, My Spirit were dropping, and it was al I could do to fight off depression. A corset [needed to assist in breathing] was riding high and digging into my ribs, forcing me to draw deep breaths, now and then. And when I did, I said, "The Lord is good."
It's not that I doubted God's goodness; I wanted to remind my dry, cracked soul of the truth. David, the psalmist, often grabbed his innermost being by the scruff of the neck (Ps 42.5-6)
It's easy to announce God's goodness when your spirits are soaring; its another thing----a more God-gloryfying thing---to proclaim the goodness of God outloud when you're under the weather. Voicing the goodness of God is a testimon not only to your downcast soul but to others listening in.
I have been miserable. I have not been able to sleep. I hurt enough to totally destroy any sleep schedule, to get a migraine from tossing and turning. To have eaten too much and feel ill from food and lack of sleep in hopes a full tummy would make me sleep. Instead...misery has added to misery.
Yet I spent hours last night praising God with the thoughts of my heart. I looked at the wise words of many different authors God has touched over time, read the everlasting, incredible and amazing Word...and while I would have rather slept more than the hour I am working on...I loved the time I spent seeing God in so many places.
Last night I was reading Romans...and I was struck with Rom 8.5-6.
5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.
Wow on verse 6. I jotted it down, and was adding my own thoughts---but I have found that it is quite true. If I feel bad, hurt, sick, whatever, and can read the Word, pray or otherwise be totally devoted to God at that moment, whatever else is wrong seems pale in comparison. It doesn't matter. All that matters is God is there, with me, at that moment. Peace really does fill me and make it less dreadful to face the uncertain future. Even one possibly filled with pain and illness.
It was a dull Saturday, My Spirit were dropping, and it was al I could do to fight off depression. A corset [needed to assist in breathing] was riding high and digging into my ribs, forcing me to draw deep breaths, now and then. And when I did, I said, "The Lord is good."
It's not that I doubted God's goodness; I wanted to remind my dry, cracked soul of the truth. David, the psalmist, often grabbed his innermost being by the scruff of the neck (Ps 42.5-6)
It's easy to announce God's goodness when your spirits are soaring; its another thing----a more God-gloryfying thing---to proclaim the goodness of God outloud when you're under the weather. Voicing the goodness of God is a testimon not only to your downcast soul but to others listening in.
I have been miserable. I have not been able to sleep. I hurt enough to totally destroy any sleep schedule, to get a migraine from tossing and turning. To have eaten too much and feel ill from food and lack of sleep in hopes a full tummy would make me sleep. Instead...misery has added to misery.
Yet I spent hours last night praising God with the thoughts of my heart. I looked at the wise words of many different authors God has touched over time, read the everlasting, incredible and amazing Word...and while I would have rather slept more than the hour I am working on...I loved the time I spent seeing God in so many places.
Last night I was reading Romans...and I was struck with Rom 8.5-6.
5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.
Wow on verse 6. I jotted it down, and was adding my own thoughts---but I have found that it is quite true. If I feel bad, hurt, sick, whatever, and can read the Word, pray or otherwise be totally devoted to God at that moment, whatever else is wrong seems pale in comparison. It doesn't matter. All that matters is God is there, with me, at that moment. Peace really does fill me and make it less dreadful to face the uncertain future. Even one possibly filled with pain and illness.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
RA Post: 4.16.15
My clothes are just drenched. I keep breaking fevers and having higher pain, so sweating is a big thing now. I look fresh out a high performance aerobic gym class...but I am just sitting.
Sleep is NOT coming easy either...so fun to be tossing and turning and throwing off damp blankets and changing clothes constantly. Add in some nausea and an upset stomach and you are in for the TIME of your LIFE!
Trying to watch what I eat. Had been doing lots of fruit and vegetables, but haven't had any in the house last couple of days. I have gained weight...although I never know when I won't be able to stand food either.
Enbrel shot number 1 in and golden. I think I liked the actual syringe more than the pen...the pen is harder to make certain I do not stab a vein. Which I did...and it hurts more that way.
Sleep is NOT coming easy either...so fun to be tossing and turning and throwing off damp blankets and changing clothes constantly. Add in some nausea and an upset stomach and you are in for the TIME of your LIFE!
Trying to watch what I eat. Had been doing lots of fruit and vegetables, but haven't had any in the house last couple of days. I have gained weight...although I never know when I won't be able to stand food either.
Enbrel shot number 1 in and golden. I think I liked the actual syringe more than the pen...the pen is harder to make certain I do not stab a vein. Which I did...and it hurts more that way.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
RA Post: 04.14.15
I feel so stupid and dull...cannot make thought work very well, and I hope that the medication will help.
I have a month worth of Enbrel injections. The MD still preferred it over the methotrexate, so when I mentioned the side effects I was having he pulled the medication. So it's Enbrel for the win. Or to try.
Hope it kicks in quick. My sample shots helped a fair amount pretty quickly.
I have a month worth of Enbrel injections. The MD still preferred it over the methotrexate, so when I mentioned the side effects I was having he pulled the medication. So it's Enbrel for the win. Or to try.
Hope it kicks in quick. My sample shots helped a fair amount pretty quickly.
Yoke of Precious Metal
From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver
Before yokes were devised, farmers of old used leather straps around animals' necks, but it hampered the animals' breathing. But when you work an animal by means of a yoke, the weight the animal has to pull does not harm it. The load becomes light. A yoke is not a contrivance to make work hard. It's a gentle device to make hard labor light. A yoke is not meant to give pain, but to save pain.
....either you drag your workload under your own strength or put on the yoke of Christ.
In my experience, taking on the load by myself has always ended in disaster. I would become more and more exhausted. Once, however, I am willing to admit that I cannot do whatever it is (bear pain, get out of the bed), then I actually am able because I am not running on the weak strength of one, a puny human, two, a puny sick human. Thank the Lord He is so patient with me and my stupidity. I so often forget to ask for assistance. Maybe it really is not all that surprising, as I rarely want to ask for help in the world as it is. That is something I am learning to do much more than I ever thought I would. I have to ask for help to pick things up that I never had to do before, etc, etc., which is interesting to learn to do.
You'll find a deep, sweet, peaceable rest even in the midst of your labors when you put on Christ's yoke.
See? Someone else thinks so as well! But in all seriousness, when I focus my thoughts more directly on Him, I do not make the mistakes I make otherwise---though far far far from perfect---I get a lifting of great weight from my being with that focus. A lifting that I can no other way ever find or get. No relief from pain, nausea or disappointments. With Him, they are bearable, sometimes even pass by with less notice than ever before.
It's easy to announce God's goodness when your spirits are soaring; it's another thing----a more God-gloriying thing---to proclaim the goodness of God outloud when you're under the weather.
I also found that I do not tend to announce God's goodness as much when I am "well". We are so easily distracted in the world by things that we often forget God is there. We get caught up in college, jobs, kids, marriages/relationships, friendships....things that we see and touch. We just miss the still voice of God, the glory being called out from all around us.
Before yokes were devised, farmers of old used leather straps around animals' necks, but it hampered the animals' breathing. But when you work an animal by means of a yoke, the weight the animal has to pull does not harm it. The load becomes light. A yoke is not a contrivance to make work hard. It's a gentle device to make hard labor light. A yoke is not meant to give pain, but to save pain.
....either you drag your workload under your own strength or put on the yoke of Christ.
In my experience, taking on the load by myself has always ended in disaster. I would become more and more exhausted. Once, however, I am willing to admit that I cannot do whatever it is (bear pain, get out of the bed), then I actually am able because I am not running on the weak strength of one, a puny human, two, a puny sick human. Thank the Lord He is so patient with me and my stupidity. I so often forget to ask for assistance. Maybe it really is not all that surprising, as I rarely want to ask for help in the world as it is. That is something I am learning to do much more than I ever thought I would. I have to ask for help to pick things up that I never had to do before, etc, etc., which is interesting to learn to do.
You'll find a deep, sweet, peaceable rest even in the midst of your labors when you put on Christ's yoke.
See? Someone else thinks so as well! But in all seriousness, when I focus my thoughts more directly on Him, I do not make the mistakes I make otherwise---though far far far from perfect---I get a lifting of great weight from my being with that focus. A lifting that I can no other way ever find or get. No relief from pain, nausea or disappointments. With Him, they are bearable, sometimes even pass by with less notice than ever before.
It's easy to announce God's goodness when your spirits are soaring; it's another thing----a more God-gloriying thing---to proclaim the goodness of God outloud when you're under the weather.
I also found that I do not tend to announce God's goodness as much when I am "well". We are so easily distracted in the world by things that we often forget God is there. We get caught up in college, jobs, kids, marriages/relationships, friendships....things that we see and touch. We just miss the still voice of God, the glory being called out from all around us.
Unexplainable
From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver
We never need doubt the love of Christ. We have plenty of solid evidence. But there might be times when we may wonder just how much Jesus delights Himself in us. It is true that bearing the Father's wrath on the cross was the ultimate test of how immense Christ's love is, but our soul wants to know more. I want to know how passionately, how intensely, He feels about me.
The question is answered in blood. There is a word that marks the love of Christ, and that is excessive. His love overflows all reason, all expectations, all hopes and dreams. For Christ to lay down His life for you tells you that His covenant is no schoolboy pledge or head-of-state agreement or legal contract. Christ's love is riddled with powerful emotion. For Him to die for you is for Him to be delighted in you.
It is one of the really hard days. The upswing of a flare. When you start leaving behind the sickness of a flare. I cannot describe the huge hole left in my heart, soul...being. It makes me feel like I am breaking apart all at once, leaving slivers of mica "me" each pass through a flare.
Yet, as teary eyed as I may be at the moment....and as sick as I was the past several days...I found myself singing in my mind "Blessed be the Name" yesterday. I was so miserable...I could not even really get the tune going in my head, but I found myself singing all the same. I had to, it was not even something I decided to do to "help" myself. So the chorus whirled around and around as I lay still.
Sometimes we think...why should anyone suffer? When God could just stop all suffering? And that is a question thrown out over and over and over again. And answered in so many different ways.
I know that, since we do not walk with God in the Garden of Eden, few people would likely be that interested in God if they didn't "see" Him as Adam and Eve once did.
With hard times before us, we search out for God. That could be deemed irrational---we are miserable, so we are looking for an all loving God to take care of it?
Then it goes deeper...it's not that we want God to look after it, but we want Him to be with us. And He is...and the more we search for Him, talk about Him, look to Him, the more we see Him, hear Him. The more the painful walk becomes less painful. There will be the bad days, if we let them get to us, but that painful walk we started on is not the treasure we have saved up. Time spent with God is that treasure, and how much He loves us is so indescribable...even if He allows me to be stricken with a chronic illness...I know He loves me, and it is all for such a very short time in the length of eternity. Sometimes I can see the beauty in my suffering--what I have learned my months of trying to study God, the changes it has made in the family and my friends...
I do not know what God has planned. I am still afraid, frustrated and saddened. But He is there, and that makes a big difference in how I can go on.
We never need doubt the love of Christ. We have plenty of solid evidence. But there might be times when we may wonder just how much Jesus delights Himself in us. It is true that bearing the Father's wrath on the cross was the ultimate test of how immense Christ's love is, but our soul wants to know more. I want to know how passionately, how intensely, He feels about me.
The question is answered in blood. There is a word that marks the love of Christ, and that is excessive. His love overflows all reason, all expectations, all hopes and dreams. For Christ to lay down His life for you tells you that His covenant is no schoolboy pledge or head-of-state agreement or legal contract. Christ's love is riddled with powerful emotion. For Him to die for you is for Him to be delighted in you.
It is one of the really hard days. The upswing of a flare. When you start leaving behind the sickness of a flare. I cannot describe the huge hole left in my heart, soul...being. It makes me feel like I am breaking apart all at once, leaving slivers of mica "me" each pass through a flare.
Yet, as teary eyed as I may be at the moment....and as sick as I was the past several days...I found myself singing in my mind "Blessed be the Name" yesterday. I was so miserable...I could not even really get the tune going in my head, but I found myself singing all the same. I had to, it was not even something I decided to do to "help" myself. So the chorus whirled around and around as I lay still.
Sometimes we think...why should anyone suffer? When God could just stop all suffering? And that is a question thrown out over and over and over again. And answered in so many different ways.
I know that, since we do not walk with God in the Garden of Eden, few people would likely be that interested in God if they didn't "see" Him as Adam and Eve once did.
With hard times before us, we search out for God. That could be deemed irrational---we are miserable, so we are looking for an all loving God to take care of it?
Then it goes deeper...it's not that we want God to look after it, but we want Him to be with us. And He is...and the more we search for Him, talk about Him, look to Him, the more we see Him, hear Him. The more the painful walk becomes less painful. There will be the bad days, if we let them get to us, but that painful walk we started on is not the treasure we have saved up. Time spent with God is that treasure, and how much He loves us is so indescribable...even if He allows me to be stricken with a chronic illness...I know He loves me, and it is all for such a very short time in the length of eternity. Sometimes I can see the beauty in my suffering--what I have learned my months of trying to study God, the changes it has made in the family and my friends...
I do not know what God has planned. I am still afraid, frustrated and saddened. But He is there, and that makes a big difference in how I can go on.
RA Post: Exhaustion
Rheumy has gotten it cleared for me to do Enbrel for 5 years with current insurance. I am hoping for a call today from the specialty pharmacy. I have been so sick and so out of it the last several days, I honestly don't know how long.
Pain has been terrible. Terrible. Worse than I have had in some time. I was asleep at least two days...I don't really remember anything. The brain fog of RA in combo with tremendous pain.
And I used to think migraines were awful.My joints are HOT, full of broken glass and shards of boiled metal stabbing me....with yucky rolling nausea...sweating and chills of fever.
I am desperately tired now but hurt too much to sleep...updating this to maybe clear my head and help sleep. This doesn't even make sense to me...
Pain has been terrible. Terrible. Worse than I have had in some time. I was asleep at least two days...I don't really remember anything. The brain fog of RA in combo with tremendous pain.
And I used to think migraines were awful.My joints are HOT, full of broken glass and shards of boiled metal stabbing me....with yucky rolling nausea...sweating and chills of fever.
I am desperately tired now but hurt too much to sleep...updating this to maybe clear my head and help sleep. This doesn't even make sense to me...
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Thousands of Hours
From Coping with Chronic Illness by Norman Wright
Isolation may be another experience forced upon you. Confinement isn't a pleasant exerience. You may spend thousands of hours by yourself. Many people are uncomfortable being around those who are sick and would rather be around those who are healthy.
[Others] can't tap into what you're experiencing or how you feel. This may result in you feeling alone, abandoned and trapped---with no way out and no help.
So what do you do? You hang onto hope and concentrate on what you're able to do. You learn to turn your life over to God's care and seek His comfort and strength.
Let's do a little math. I've spent an estimated 4,800 hours alone. But then that is not true either. Because I have had visitors. And we are renting out of my parents' home. So that is not true.
What is more infinitely true is that I have not been alone, because God has been right here.
I had once tossed a sweatshirt over the back of the couch I generally lay/sleep/sit on when I was first ill. My hands would be so hot and swollen from inflammation I would clutch the sleeves of the sweatshirt, and move my hands periodically to "cooler" areas of fabric. Ice packs were "too" cold.
I sometimes caught myself imagining that it was God's hand I was clutching onto...or even pull the sleeves closer to myself in a fevered stupor, crying out to God. Please...any relief. Any strength. As I have said, most times He gave the breathing space I needed from pain and nausea.
I certainly do not think that that sweatshirt is in any way God...but it is an interesting thing that I wanted (and still desperately want) to touch God. To have Him hold my hand in the hardest moments of RA.
The Christian authors of the day often speak of the death Adam and Eve faced....eventual physical death, "instant" spiritual death because God was no longer with them, walking in the evening...but there would have been an "instant" physical death too...the best friend, safest and most wonderful Being ever....was no longer there. Could not be there. I imagine, while Adam and Eve could not stand to face God (hiding in the bushes always sounds really ridiculous when God is in the picture--although we all do it with our little sins)...they felt like those dogs do whose owners toss a ball and drive rapidly away. A look of stark abandonment...although we picked it. Like a marriage break-up that seemed like a good idea until the papers were actually signed.
Isolation may be another experience forced upon you. Confinement isn't a pleasant exerience. You may spend thousands of hours by yourself. Many people are uncomfortable being around those who are sick and would rather be around those who are healthy.
[Others] can't tap into what you're experiencing or how you feel. This may result in you feeling alone, abandoned and trapped---with no way out and no help.
So what do you do? You hang onto hope and concentrate on what you're able to do. You learn to turn your life over to God's care and seek His comfort and strength.
Let's do a little math. I've spent an estimated 4,800 hours alone. But then that is not true either. Because I have had visitors. And we are renting out of my parents' home. So that is not true.
What is more infinitely true is that I have not been alone, because God has been right here.
I had once tossed a sweatshirt over the back of the couch I generally lay/sleep/sit on when I was first ill. My hands would be so hot and swollen from inflammation I would clutch the sleeves of the sweatshirt, and move my hands periodically to "cooler" areas of fabric. Ice packs were "too" cold.
I sometimes caught myself imagining that it was God's hand I was clutching onto...or even pull the sleeves closer to myself in a fevered stupor, crying out to God. Please...any relief. Any strength. As I have said, most times He gave the breathing space I needed from pain and nausea.
I certainly do not think that that sweatshirt is in any way God...but it is an interesting thing that I wanted (and still desperately want) to touch God. To have Him hold my hand in the hardest moments of RA.
The Christian authors of the day often speak of the death Adam and Eve faced....eventual physical death, "instant" spiritual death because God was no longer with them, walking in the evening...but there would have been an "instant" physical death too...the best friend, safest and most wonderful Being ever....was no longer there. Could not be there. I imagine, while Adam and Eve could not stand to face God (hiding in the bushes always sounds really ridiculous when God is in the picture--although we all do it with our little sins)...they felt like those dogs do whose owners toss a ball and drive rapidly away. A look of stark abandonment...although we picked it. Like a marriage break-up that seemed like a good idea until the papers were actually signed.
Love Letters
From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver
2 Peter 1:2-5
If you're like me, you're looking for ways to love Go more. Not just to obey Him (although that's what proves we love Him) but to love God with a passion. With spirited affection. Intense desire. I'm talking about longing to know God better and better, with fire in your eyes and a furnace in your heart. If you want to increase your desire for God, get to know Him in a deeper way. And there is no better way to know Him than through His Word. Get into God's Word, and you will get a heart for Jesus. Get passionate about Scripture, and your passion for Him will increase. Feelings follow faith....and faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.
It is so. Spending more and more and more time with God, thinking about God, talking about God, imagining God does pump fuel into the fire of interest in God...but there are those days. You know. The toxic ones. The ones where it feels like picking up a Bible will literally break your back. Or they sing the same song on the radio for the 80 millionth time and your mind is starting to shoot sparks. Or the kids threw up all over your shoes.I'm guessing on that one, no kids...but dogs are bad at that.
Some days it really is hard to stroke the fire enough to do anything.
But...if you make yourself sit down and actually do it. Actually hold the Love Letter to you from your Father, and read it, I bet something jumps out. It usually will for me. Or some time spent in prayer, to clear the cobwebs of stress, remove those murky webs the devil has thrown over my eyes...or spend some time with a good commentator.
And sometimes....it is just a really bad, no good day, as the books say. On those days...just throw back your arms and ask for strength and peace because you just can't do it. I bet that you get a slow trickle and then a flood of strength and peace. Especially if you ask again as needed. God is a loving Father...He never ever leaves you. The devil will do anything in his power to convince you otherwise. Never listen. Because Abba Father is there, regardless of those murky webs scattered by the evil one.
2 Peter 1:2-5
If you're like me, you're looking for ways to love Go more. Not just to obey Him (although that's what proves we love Him) but to love God with a passion. With spirited affection. Intense desire. I'm talking about longing to know God better and better, with fire in your eyes and a furnace in your heart. If you want to increase your desire for God, get to know Him in a deeper way. And there is no better way to know Him than through His Word. Get into God's Word, and you will get a heart for Jesus. Get passionate about Scripture, and your passion for Him will increase. Feelings follow faith....and faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.
It is so. Spending more and more and more time with God, thinking about God, talking about God, imagining God does pump fuel into the fire of interest in God...but there are those days. You know. The toxic ones. The ones where it feels like picking up a Bible will literally break your back. Or they sing the same song on the radio for the 80 millionth time and your mind is starting to shoot sparks. Or the kids threw up all over your shoes.I'm guessing on that one, no kids...but dogs are bad at that.
Some days it really is hard to stroke the fire enough to do anything.
But...if you make yourself sit down and actually do it. Actually hold the Love Letter to you from your Father, and read it, I bet something jumps out. It usually will for me. Or some time spent in prayer, to clear the cobwebs of stress, remove those murky webs the devil has thrown over my eyes...or spend some time with a good commentator.
And sometimes....it is just a really bad, no good day, as the books say. On those days...just throw back your arms and ask for strength and peace because you just can't do it. I bet that you get a slow trickle and then a flood of strength and peace. Especially if you ask again as needed. God is a loving Father...He never ever leaves you. The devil will do anything in his power to convince you otherwise. Never listen. Because Abba Father is there, regardless of those murky webs scattered by the evil one.
Chronic Illness
From Coping with Chronic Illness, Norman Wright
My diagnosing physician....knew I'd lost everything and he told me that this could be a blessing--a rebirth so to speak.
I was really reduced to my basic self. I had nothing left to lose. Any step I took forward, would be a new beginning. I would be with people who loved me unconditionally. I would be in a safe and secure environment.
I am a woman with a chronic illness. I have learned each day is a blessing. I am blessed with friends and family who are compassionate and loving and helpful.
This statement....could be mine. Some days the devastation of being fully capable and working to a 26 year old using a shower chair to stand bathing...is without description. It is not something one expects. Not without massive car injury or some other accident. Not because your body decided one day that good tissue was bad tissue and to kill it.
There are days I still feel cursed. But they are fleeting and momentary, because I reflect too quickly to the facts of what I do have. I read daily of people who have RA that has disintegrated all relationships and they are completely alone. People in which the RA has attacked the brain. Attacked the lungs. Attacked whatever. People who now have a child with JRA. The addition of MS, diabetes, or some other chronic disease. I am yet blessed.
I still grieve. I do not think that one every stops grieving entirely with a chronic illness. Just because it is chronic does not mean it does not change. A new grief may come to pass.
J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver
In my case, everything meant giving up self-pity and resentment over a body that no longer worked. Selling everything [to buy a certain field] meant tossing aside the questions and investing the hours I sit in this wheelchair. But to me, it's beautiful because underneath the surface is the treasure, the priceless treasure of knowing Jesus better. What does your field look like? What treasures have you found thus far? What investments do you need to make to uncover other finds?
I have learned so much more about God, His loving power, and really how fortunate I am that He is really in control. I had read in another book about minimizing God, as if we could control Him...I thought how much more horrible my life would be if I really truly was in control of it. If I could make God do what I thought was best. Considering that, within months, I may think a wonderful idea is the stupidest idea to ever have been thought of....we are really very fortunate that God cares enough for us to not completely heed our requests. I am sure He listens, considers (even though He already knows the right answer and path) and makes the best choice. Like a mother refusing her 5 year old child's demand for a 10 pound bag of candy. It will end poorly for the child, with more suffering than needed....than if, say, Mama buys a single Hershey's bar; even though the child is most emphatic that it is not so. Thank the Lord He makes the right choices for me.
I too have had to give up a lot of self pity and resentment over a body that does not answer to me as it did. And I still have to work on that. Thank the Lord He also gives strength to do these things!
My diagnosing physician....knew I'd lost everything and he told me that this could be a blessing--a rebirth so to speak.
I was really reduced to my basic self. I had nothing left to lose. Any step I took forward, would be a new beginning. I would be with people who loved me unconditionally. I would be in a safe and secure environment.
I am a woman with a chronic illness. I have learned each day is a blessing. I am blessed with friends and family who are compassionate and loving and helpful.
This statement....could be mine. Some days the devastation of being fully capable and working to a 26 year old using a shower chair to stand bathing...is without description. It is not something one expects. Not without massive car injury or some other accident. Not because your body decided one day that good tissue was bad tissue and to kill it.
There are days I still feel cursed. But they are fleeting and momentary, because I reflect too quickly to the facts of what I do have. I read daily of people who have RA that has disintegrated all relationships and they are completely alone. People in which the RA has attacked the brain. Attacked the lungs. Attacked whatever. People who now have a child with JRA. The addition of MS, diabetes, or some other chronic disease. I am yet blessed.
I still grieve. I do not think that one every stops grieving entirely with a chronic illness. Just because it is chronic does not mean it does not change. A new grief may come to pass.
J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver
In my case, everything meant giving up self-pity and resentment over a body that no longer worked. Selling everything [to buy a certain field] meant tossing aside the questions and investing the hours I sit in this wheelchair. But to me, it's beautiful because underneath the surface is the treasure, the priceless treasure of knowing Jesus better. What does your field look like? What treasures have you found thus far? What investments do you need to make to uncover other finds?
I have learned so much more about God, His loving power, and really how fortunate I am that He is really in control. I had read in another book about minimizing God, as if we could control Him...I thought how much more horrible my life would be if I really truly was in control of it. If I could make God do what I thought was best. Considering that, within months, I may think a wonderful idea is the stupidest idea to ever have been thought of....we are really very fortunate that God cares enough for us to not completely heed our requests. I am sure He listens, considers (even though He already knows the right answer and path) and makes the best choice. Like a mother refusing her 5 year old child's demand for a 10 pound bag of candy. It will end poorly for the child, with more suffering than needed....than if, say, Mama buys a single Hershey's bar; even though the child is most emphatic that it is not so. Thank the Lord He makes the right choices for me.
I too have had to give up a lot of self pity and resentment over a body that does not answer to me as it did. And I still have to work on that. Thank the Lord He also gives strength to do these things!
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