I am so tired.
I feel like I am crawling on the ground, a ground covered in broken glass and nails, shredded metal and thistles. My body appears as a lightning strike victim might appear...brusing, red streaks, holes and gashes.
Over the last year, I discovered my husband had been a years' long porn addict. I will never understand why someone will tell you about cheating and using porn that it "didn't mean anything" because that, to me, means physical intimacy meant nothing with me, either.
I went through one on one counseling and a porn addicts' wives support group.
I changed a lot.
I also filed for and got a divorce. I asked for no financial support.
I then had a massive infection from a root canal. My jaw was so swollen, and the swelling went down my neck. I ended up on two antibiotics at once. At least I didn't end up in hospital.
And then my father died. And I found him. And there was nothing I could do.
What does God want of me? Why does He continue to allow me to be flooded with horrible things? I feel like everyone else is jigging along the path to paradise in matching Adidas sportswear, airpods chirping in their ears. They run right past me as I lay gasping on the broken glass on the ground. Everyone is so busy that I am forgotten. I reach out again and again...and still they jog past.
What does God want of me? I've lost my health, I am so tired of fighting to keep the bare minimum of my nursing license. I am tired of trying over and over again. I'm tired of being forgotten and left behind. I'm tired of kissing out on the things young people are supposed to get: marriage, children, careers, whatever.
Instead, I lay in a bed or on a couch, too tired to fight another day.
Even though I will fight and keep fighting....
I'd just like to be happy for a while. I know it is a choice, but it gets hard trying to be happy when the world about you crumbles like ash whenever you breathe wrong.
What do I do? Why do I have to be the one that others say "it reminds me of Job!"....because it also reminds me of Job. I don't want to be Job.
I need to sleep. So this won't end on much of a positive note. I am just so tired of trying and hoping and praying when things just keep getting worse.
