Being Alone Is No Longer My Fear

 I have spent most of my life feeling like I was never enough. I've lived in terror of being alone all of my life. 

Yet in one month and then over the course of the next several months...my life changed more than it ever has. 

I found out that I do not need anyone. I do not need anyone to be ok with who I am, with the interests I have, the dreams I have and other aspects of myself. A hard lesson to learn. 

I tried so hard to be everything I could be in my marriage, at first working so many hours to help with the income and then eventually getting sick. My health was most definitely affected by my spouse. I still have only an hour or so of energy but the peace is so much better in my soul. I haven't had peace like this in years.This is neither here nor there, and while it does matter to me what he did and said, it should not have. I should have held up the courage and fortitude I found in nursing and applied it to the rest of my life...exactly as I have by leaving him and getting a divorce. 

 I am still certain that leaving was the best thing for me and my health. I would like nothing better than to write down every single wrong I felt was done...but that isn't going to be helpful, at least not here and now. 

I did find the courage and strength I was missing by walking out one day, and by that saying major changes had to happen. They didn't. 

I am working hard to continue my strengths. I am focusing on goals I've had for years, but beyond that, I am working on me. 

One does not end up in a hard marriage without some wrongs on their character. I am in about three support groups, one a heavy duty work on yourself book group for porn addicts' wives. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It wrenches everything apart, opening all the caskets of hurts and demanding you face them in the starkest daylight. It makes you face your true self in a mirror and see your wrongs, whatever forms they take.  What do you do and why do you do it? 

My insurance has changed due to the divorce, so I am still sorting out things there. I was having individual weekly counseling from a Christian counselor, but due to insurance I've fallen aside.on that. I need to go back, as there are many hard wounds that I am healing, past present and no doubt future. Many old wounds have been purged that I was, until June maybe, totally unaware of. These old wounds led on up to the freshest ones, each as escalation of the previous....with the ever present number one fear:

Alone. 

It has been a major shock to find that I do not fear being alone any longer. Alone is often more peaceful than not. 

It may stun the reader that I would remarry if it presented itself in the future. Hurts are greatly healed and healing. 

GOSONoCo.