Being Alone Is No Longer My Fear

 I have spent most of my life feeling like I was never enough. I've lived in terror of being alone all of my life. 

Yet in one month and then over the course of the next several months...my life changed more than it ever has. 

I found out that I do not need anyone. I do not need anyone to be ok with who I am, with the interests I have, the dreams I have and other aspects of myself. A hard lesson to learn. 

I tried so hard to be everything I could be in my marriage, at first working so many hours to help with the income and then eventually getting sick. My health was most definitely affected by my spouse. I still have only an hour or so of energy but the peace is so much better in my soul. I haven't had peace like this in years.This is neither here nor there, and while it does matter to me what he did and said, it should not have. I should have held up the courage and fortitude I found in nursing and applied it to the rest of my life...exactly as I have by leaving him and getting a divorce. 

 I am still certain that leaving was the best thing for me and my health. I would like nothing better than to write down every single wrong I felt was done...but that isn't going to be helpful, at least not here and now. 

I did find the courage and strength I was missing by walking out one day, and by that saying major changes had to happen. They didn't. 

I am working hard to continue my strengths. I am focusing on goals I've had for years, but beyond that, I am working on me. 

One does not end up in a hard marriage without some wrongs on their character. I am in about three support groups, one a heavy duty work on yourself book group for porn addicts' wives. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It wrenches everything apart, opening all the caskets of hurts and demanding you face them in the starkest daylight. It makes you face your true self in a mirror and see your wrongs, whatever forms they take.  What do you do and why do you do it? 

My insurance has changed due to the divorce, so I am still sorting out things there. I was having individual weekly counseling from a Christian counselor, but due to insurance I've fallen aside.on that. I need to go back, as there are many hard wounds that I am healing, past present and no doubt future. Many old wounds have been purged that I was, until June maybe, totally unaware of. These old wounds led on up to the freshest ones, each as escalation of the previous....with the ever present number one fear:

Alone. 

It has been a major shock to find that I do not fear being alone any longer. Alone is often more peaceful than not. 

It may stun the reader that I would remarry if it presented itself in the future. Hurts are greatly healed and healing. 

GOSONoCo. 

Divorce 101 update

 I will try to write more. I am going through a lot. I was devastated about my marriage, what I had lived with and finding out what had been going on. I am focusing intensely on healing, going to a wife support group, even though my divorce is finalized. 

I cannot believe I got a divorce. I did it. I made the choice. I moved out and left. I filed. 

I will be making a new blog for that part of my life, and you will need to comment to get the link when I have it fully set up. It is...a different path than this blog, thought some of it will likely link over. So few people who read this do I even know so that's something. 

A Big Change

 For my loyal readers, this may be a bit of a shock. 

I have filed for divorce. It may seem foolish for a disabled woman, fully dependent on her husband's income to leave. 

I had to leave... and I have the full support of my family. We are not a family that divorces. 

Never ignore red flags. 

Ever More Burnishing

 Life never fails to toss more at us. A Battle plays out too difficult to discuss at this time and place.

I haven't studied much, my eyes still can't take the light. But I feel God always with me. 

I ask Him what to do with the current harsh battle. I ask what to say, do, act on and what to not. 

I don't have much of any answer. Just the silent, calm, peace that descends about me like a coat. That whatever is done, whatever happens, whatever is my life...He loves me and accepts me for who I am..

I have only the last week or so suddenly become more aware of being ok---very ok--- with who I am. Not that I am perfect, gracious no. I shudder to think what sins I have and what sins I am unaware of. Yet I still suddenly, and more strongly than ever before in my life ..I am comfortable in my own skin. I am who I am.

I am a server. I am strongly weak. I am an advocate. I am who I am because of the paths God had laid out by knowing all of time at once. 

I do not look forward to this time of mental and emotional pain that I am going through. It has been one of the fastest turnarounds in my life, a changing of thinking, reacting and speaking. I do not look forward to it. But I do look forward to the chances His may be setting up for me to continue to grow and change. So much is happening to me and so fast that I almost cannot keep up. I feel like such a different person, so free of what has tied me down for such a long, long time.

There is a silly movie I have always loved. It is called "Last Holiday", and stars Queen Latifa and LL Cool J. She's a low paid sales associate who gets accidentally diagnosed with a fast acting deadly disease. She jets off to do everything she ever wanted to do (my version is clean but I don't know if they all are). At the last night, right before finding out her misdiagnosis, she looks Ina mirror and says: "Next time, we just won't be so scared."

I have spent my entire life terrified. Unable to speak up for myself, punishing myself for faults I did or did not have, and never measuring up to what I felt others wanted me to be. I feel like God may be giving me the chance to try again and this time, not be so scared. 

One can live and be kind. One can speak up for themselves and be heard and be kind. Thank you, oh my King, for showing me that I am perfect in your sight even while I yet sin. Thank you for carrying me when I fell, and holding me as I screamed in agony, and for wiping the tears of violent weeping. Thank you for showing me more of who You want me to be

No emails

 Any subscriber won't get any of my posts emailed to them. So you'll just have to check. I am so sorry. 

Just Do It!

 I wish people were more aware of what living with chronic illness and pain was really like. I face so many eyes that tell me the owner thinks I'm a liar. Lazy. Useless. Malingering. I've been told the (Is it nike or addidas) "Just do it!" 

I would love to. And, believe it or not, I do try to "just do it!" Every time someone sees me outside of the house is a day that I am just doing it. I am fighting a harsher battle than any other to date.

I am so tired all the time. I code every day of my calendar with a series of letters. TSNGNp. Any of these letters with a circle means very if the following: tired, sick, nausea, garden (meaning I walked out and looked at it, did not work in it.), Naps. TSNNp is on nearly every day. 

Imagine the exhaustion you felt with the last bad cold you had. That's right, the cold that let you watch tv for a few hours before you fell asleep. Or the day you thought you could go to work and discovered it was a major mistake because you fall asleep in your car. 

Now imagine that you have either broken bones that aren't yet set in a cast so there is shooting deep pain everywhere. And some sprains scattered about. Add in some nausea that comes and goes in waves bad enough you have a basin nearby. 

And your skin feels sunburned and raw so your clothes hurt. 

That is it. 

But I should just do it. 

I wish everyone understood. I wish I could host all doubters for a month so they could see it. 

I wish I didn't feel so alone and forgotten. People complain about being in lockdown. I've been in lockdown for years. Imagine that.