Attraction

From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver

There is nothing in you or me to attract or prompt the affections of God. The love of God is free and spontaneous. God has loved you and me from everlasting; nothing in us can be the cause of what is already found in God from eternity. 
^{2 Tim 1:9} He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time,

There actually is something we need to do. We have to accept Jesus as Lord and Savior. Then there is an overwhelming Creator full of love and power there to lean on. 
In day to day life, when nothing really "bad" is happening, it is easy to not lean on God. One starts to think that he or she can manage on the power off their own brains. I can figure this out. I can control this. This will work. 
The thing is...it won't. The harder we try and control life and the world around us, the further we drift from the One who really can do the controlling. We get so focused on what WE are doing that we do not hear Him calling to us. 
Think of all the stories of children who have been unloved--not too deep, I'm not being depressive---they often get to where if they were even offered love, they wouldn't take it. Pushing it away to control their lives...we almost start doing that with the need to control everything. 

I spent the first couple years of college leaning heavily on God, but also controlling fiercely my World. My anxiety was so high that I thought I needed that control to keep the anxiety down. And while it did help to be so much in control, and helped enormously to lean on my Lord...there is a downside. It is hard to give up that control once it is there. Maybe that is the lesson I most learned this far with RA. I don't have to control things. And for that matter, I can't. Everything that I was "controlling" got ripped out of my swollen, red hands and thrust into the whirlwind. I can rely on my King, and know that He is there for me, and will lead me through the best. 
Timothy Keller once said: God gives us what we would have asked for if we knew everything He knows. 
May the Lord be praised.

The Secret

From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver,

The secret to contentment isn't really much of a secret. We know that contentment is all about leaning on Jesus. Of course, we don't automatically know the secret of being content: we have to learn it. If you are to know contentment---that quietness of the heart, supernaturally given, that gladly submits to God in all circumstances----you must undergo the learning process.
When Christ gives us the strength to tackle a painful situation, gaining contentment doesn't mean losing your sorrow or saying goodbye to discomfort. You can be sorrowful yet always rejoicing. You can have nothing yet posses everything. 

I have been reading Timothy Keller's Walking with God through Pain and Suffering (which you will get in more detail eventually, as it is in my work-book) that Christianity is unique in the fact that we look at suffering in a positive light. Most faiths consider suffering to be a punishment, or even imagined...yet there is Christianity. We continue to say that God is with us, and that anything we face is for a reason and used for good, although we do not yet see it. 
I like that there is such a standing difference in my faith---what Keller wrote is exactly how I feel facing anything I have faced. It is extraordinarily hard to face many of the things we face in life. Death. Illness. Loneliness. And so many ask why. Why God still allows it.
I can't answer that.I think perhaps that it is just because He created us to make whichever choice we want. His goal in creating us was to have everlasting worship--to create something wonderful by the stars, planets, animals---everything. Someone to share beauty with and watch the enjoyment in our souls. Have you not seen that on someone who is in absolute delight at something? The great look of peace, glowing eyes? It is the look I have seen rarely on a child---a very special look that is really not often seen.
Then we went ahead and chose to lean on ourselves. Life is impossible when we lean on ourselves. We literally fall apart with that effort, disease and death eventually consuming us and we cease to exist but in torment. Any good that happens without leaning on God happens purely because God is still in this world.
When we accept and lean on God, we begin to see the glimmer of what the world was and should have been---a place of pure beauty, peace, love, absolute glory of creation and the devastating wonder of the Lord Most Holy. It is like you get a breath of that when content within the Lord---something like walking past a highly scented flower on the wind. With that wonderful glory of God and what really is to come...anything on Earth is almost clouded from being as full of misery as could be. The power of the Lord is available, an endless source of strength, love, wisdom. The perfect port in the storm.

 

RA Post: Driving

My RA has been holding steady and manageable for a bit over a week. I actually drove a car, by myself. I haven't been able to handle that in ten months. I am exceedingly glad that it seems my "medication cocktail" appears to be the right one.

And, for that,

Praise God in the Highest for His abounding Love...I have had great lessons with my solitude, but I am so grateful for this moment of disease peace...praise Him resoundingly throughout the day, with cries of delight.

Into Rememberance

<sup>From J.E. Tada's More Precious that Silver

Mal 3.16
16</sup> Then those who feared the Lord talked with each other, and the Lord listened and heard. A scroll of remembrance was written in his presence concerning those who feared the Lord and honored his name.
¹⁷ “On the day when I act,” says the Lord Almighty, “they will be my treasured possession. I will spare them, just as a father has compassion and spares his son who serves him.

[Think about that!] the Lord has a book of remembrance in which the names of all who mediate Him, who think about His name, are written down. He calls these people His jewels  
 Oh, that's what I want to be: a jewel that shines in His sight. 

Facing my disabling disease has been the hardest thing I have done to date...although I sometimes now, with it getting better, relate it to similar difficult things.
But, the purpose of any hardship is really only for a couple of things, that I have found (in life and in the Bible). 
I have learned much more about God, and now have a softer, more content soul in some instances---that sort of thing is a life long learning process to be able to keep that. I have learned how very close God is to us in times of trouble if we just listen to His whispers...because if we do, and open His Word...that whisper can become the most amazing shouting. Verses that always meant one thing now mean another too! God is so amazing in how the Word can do that! I have read a lot of books....no other book has a paragraph that suddenly has more meanings--or rarely does. 
God has provided me with such peace. Especially the sooner I do any Bible reading, good solid Christian authors...just thinking about God Himself, without reading anything! has added to my peace. I certainly have days I cry...but I often cry out to God too...demanding the "Why" question on a bad day...and He expects us to. Honestly, with a broken world, He must....He went searching for Adam and Eve in the Garden, wanting to know what was wrong---although there is no doubt that the Creator of the Universe knew where two people were. And He communicated with them....getting all the comments...although no questions were asked as I recall by the people...Why questions do not get answers most of the time. But! It is good to ask, because you can go further in a conversation with God during prayer, and sometimes get to the real problem that actually had no issue with the original why problem. 
They were, of course, removed from the Garden due to the fact that they chose death, and there was nothing set up to cover the sins of man, although God began animal sacrifice to cover the taint of their sins....which has tainted us every since. 
But even so! Consider that He has a list of us! I had read on something Jerry Bridges wrote, that saying God has a list is really a benefit to us---naturally the great Lord of all does not need a memory reminder! This idea of a list is to show how much more meaning we have to God, that He says He (who has a perfect memory of everything ever) has a list. Just of those who worship and meditate. Incredible. 
Horrible things happen...but they are so shaping to us. Like using the sharp tools a potter uses to create the designs he wishes, or the chisels used on marble to create great works of art.
It seems to me that God considers us His great work on art....and so long as we persevere, hanging onto Him in prayer, song,meditation and love....we slowly become the best of the best work of arts, since, after all, we are all different. 
Praise be to our God, may He bless us and look kindly down upon us....Amen and Amen.
 

The Need For Rest

From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver

But I have to be honest: although I love my work, I need rest. In fact, it is rest that invigorates me for work. They are separate and distinct, yet they complement each other. In heaven work and rest won't be separate. We will experience both at the same time. We will have so much to do. To explore, create, rule, discover, manage, possess and delight in. For all this, we shall be utterly at rest.

As a child I worked outside. There were animals to feed and care for morning and night. There was a garden to water, plant, culture and cure. It really was pure delight for me, the time under the sun, going to the house after and relaxing with a cold drink and a book. Even at my most tired, I still was barely tired. I imagine then, that it would be similar to paradise...although similar in the idea of a pin being the size of a piano.
The bone-tired exhaustion I now contend with is nothing like the tired I had from good working. Or even the tiredness I complained of through college. It started, I think, with the case of mono I got the last year of high school. I never had any strength back from that.
However, lacking in energy, while extraordinarily annoying in the nth degree...does give one the chance to see God working. It is He that gives the strength and energy in excess that I sometimes get, and the ability to fend off depression. While this is certainly not how I pictured life, there is a use of it. To have the chance to spend time (although not as much lately) in the Word and in sound books is rewarding, comforting, soothing, nearly mothering, empathizing and every calming word you can imagine. 
The worst of days are those that we often, somehow, want to ignore the Word. We find the idea slight off-putting---yet that is a shield of the evil ones. If you push those feeling aside, let the Word fall upon your lap and let those Word of God enter your mind, soul and body by reading them....and I find reading them with the idea of underlining or re-writing the verses on paper deepens them by lengthening the time the words stay in your mind....you will begin to feel His love, even at the worst times. Somehow, the love will even seem to grow, and make even the hardest of things easier. Because now, you are not facing the hard things alone. He is with you in full, because you asked Him to join the fight with you.

An Actual Journal entry from 3.29.15

I can't begin to describe the terror that "gets" me sometimes with my illness. I can be so sick, so shaky, so asleep and out of it. I always wanted so much control over everything to be safe, and now I can't control anything. No one really can, we fool ourselves into thinking that we know more and can control things. That we are so powerful over our lives. Little gods. No wonder we are so selfish---we can run everything and fix everything. Nothing will truly hurt us, nothing would dare. We are as perfect as perfect could be. 
I never thought that I thought highly of myself....I'm not even sure what way---but I am ashamed of who I was.

Getting Better in Every Way

From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver

[My father said after the accident] "In every day and in every way, you're getting better and better." [I did not get over paralysis] Daddy was right [though]. Every day I did get better. Maybe not on the outside but on the inside. My soul became settled. My hope became clear. 

Isa 53.5  But he was pierced for our transgressions,
    he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
    and by his wounds we are healed.

The atonement secured for us is a healing more dramatic than that which is physical; God is interested in healing the inside of a person. 

When anything hard hits, it seems like the world has changed into deep mud. You spend all of your time trying to get out of and survive the mire that has entrapped you. There is no light. It almost feels like the portion of Lord of the Rings when the two Hobbits, Sam and Frodo, are in the swamp before Mordor...the one that J.R.R Tolkien based on his war experiences. When horrible things happen this terrible gloom and oppression settles and it seems nothing will ever be better or change. 
Night times are still often the worst for me and my RA. Honestly that is the worst time for anything, isn't it. That is when I feel the most despair. The "why" questions come up. The overwhelming sadness of missing things in the family, get togethers with dear friends are missed, the effort of nursing school crashing down into nothing. Despair can settle over me like a smothering cloak. 

But. There is always a but. There are so many blessings around me...even if all those things listed are true. Even if they stay true most of my life, there are still so many blessings around me. God is good. 
God is so good--because even though I am just suddenly sick with a chronic illness, I have a great support system. I have the ability to rest when I am so tired. God is so good. He has taken such good care of me, and I can tell changes in who I am, my very being. My thoughts are different it seems, and what I deem important is different as well. So I think that yes, every day I get better...because God is my Savior.  

We do have to watch though. I get better every day when I have consistently spent time with God, and focused each day on God. The days that I do not do so are wasted days. Nothing good really comes of them, because I did not go out into my day with the idea of purposefully keeping God and what might please Him as my goal [wording similar to that of Jerry Bridges in Growing Your Faith]. I merrily went out into my day as anyone else might do (just with more limping). So focus your day on pleasing God. I find that those days in which God is naturally in my thoughts from mulling over readings or passages from the Bible are happier days, even if they are difficult in other ways.

Who can hide in secret places so that I cannot see them?” declares the Lord. “Do not I fill heaven and earth?” declares the Lord.
Jeremiah 23:24 NIV

Fighting Bouts

From J.E. Tada's More Precious Than Silver

1 Corinthians 10:13¹³ No temptation^[a] has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted^[b] beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,^[c] he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

My bouts with pressure sores and lung problems haven't exempted me from 1 Cor 10:13. If the Lord allows crushing hardships to pile on top of all the other baggage that goes with being disabled, I can't whine. It never can be said of me, "she has good reason to let off steam every now and then." Whenever I entertain stubborn, stiff necked thoughts of resentment, I've noticed I go not forward, but backwards. 

 I have not lost it in a while. But there are days I hurt so much and feel so sick that I bite people's heads off. I work on always going and apologizing, for it is no one's fault that I hurt or feel bad. 
There are so many times when we complain about something---everything from the weather to clothes to cars to government. The world is filled with complaint. I doubt we go one day without seeing or hearing complaints.
Yet what have we to truly complain about? Most of us live in decent homes, with food, and generally speaking not a whole lot of danger of being killed. We have been blessed with that, and the option to get medical treatments.
When I was a nurse, I always held the idea that the patient is sick. I pretty much allowed a patient to say anything, so long as they were not degrading me without cause. I had patients who said terrible things to me, not about what I was doing, but in complaint of illness. And because I did allow patients to say anything....most apologized later in the day if they had been cranky.
We usually allow those who are sick to say whatever, because they are sick or hurt...but I decided, with my readings in Joni's books especially, that there was no call for my taking things out on others. My RA may be as permanent as paralysis. So I will be kind if at all possible.  

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:31 NIV

Dry Season

From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver

Dry seasons are no mistake. For consider how you grow. You sometimes bear more fruit (like patience or long-suffering) for having endured a dry season. The stresses of life are being used for His good purpose. Let that thought release you from worrying.

For years I hated my anxiety. Everything was so hard to do because of it. I learned to push it--push life, and pray hard for God to push with me. Anxiety was in my life right up to my RA diagnosis...and dr appointments or dentists will still get me. The overall anxiety is gone...and my RA positive sister and I think that the anxiety was actually RA pain that was not quite surfacing.

Pure terror. I learned so much to depend on God to be able to do anything...and gradually we won over the anxiety. Sometimes I clung to the anxiety, as we do with all sins, even though I wanted desperately to shove the Monster away from myself. Anxiety became a low simmer. 

God can handle anything. The issue is that we do not want to give up our snuggly, sticker and thorn infested pet "sin". If we can give it to Him, and ask for His help...He will be there for us. He always is, usually waiting, but sometimes stepping in before hand to help or stop something. I have had times in my life that I have seen God stop disaster from befalling upon me.
He is so amazing and awesome...and He loves us so incredibly much, to have taken the suffering and sin of the human race on the cross. That is just mind boggling to me. 

Exodus 14.14 The Lord Himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.

RA Post: A Possible Positive Enbrel

So there was a family dinner on the 20th. Normally I push through a family dinner---visit because I miss everyone so much since going out and seeing them has always ended in disaster-illness right after. 
This time, while exhausted beyond all get out...I did it and have not flared. I think that maybe the Enbrel is building up and starting to work better. They say the biggest sign of it working is being less tired. Makes sense as my body would be forced to stop killing itself (joint wise anyway). So finally some more positive news on the RA front.

Not Unlike Horses

From J.E Tada's More Precious than Silver

An unbridled, untrained horse lacks the restraints that guide and direct. The bit, martingale, tie-downs, spur and crop appear at first to the horse as irritants and hardships. How hard it would be for an animal, without the aid of his master and his crop, to train himself up in the way he should go...the horse would be useless in the ring, without hope of ever winning honors for his master. Godliness involves training...without it no honor can be given to our Master. We are never more ourselves, never more spiritually free than when our will is bent to God's will. 

There are days that I cry. I cry because I cannot be a nurse. I cry because I cannot often clean house, or do laundry or many other things I want to do because my body purely gives out. I fall asleep sitting up in chairs, even after just getting up. My body is exhausted in it's plight to kill every joint. 
But like many hard things in life, I believe there can be some good. I believe, while I see no reason for my illness now, that I will see a reason. There was always good use of the knowledge and push-through-anything attitude that I learned having anxiety and depression so many years. 
God sometimes asks a lot of us, or what we feel that is a lot. But it may not really be so bad. So long as we rely on our Master, He will give us the signals and reassurance to face what we need to face. There is the great verse that says He will not put more on us than we can stand...and I like the fact that I have read and now also think...that God is in on that "we". After all, what can we not stand up under anything with the eternal, glorious Creator right beside us.

The True Lack of Strength

From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver

We're all the same. We fiddle and faddle; meandering through life, ignoring spiritual discipline, like fasting, praying and regular Bible reading. Then suddenly when temptation broadsides us or we get hit with a heavy trial, we wonder why we lack faith, have no power to say no, or succumb easily to discouragement or depression. We plead for help from God but it just isn't there, so we fume that God's grace isn't sufficient or that He's abandoned us. The reason the strength isn't there is because we are out of training.
1 Tim 6.11-12 
¹¹ But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. ¹² Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

1 Timothy 4:7

Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives’ tales; rather, train yourself to be godly.

In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations

1 Timothy 4:8

For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come. I read in Jerry Bridge's Grow Your Faith that the idea of train in one of these verses (naturally I do not have the book, but I assume it would apply to both) was in the line of athletes training for the games of the day.
It is rather foolish on our part to assume that we can handle the world. Even those who choose to handle the world, and have it for their god, cannot handle it, and escape it with drugs or other numbing agents. So how is it that we decide we can live in the world without taking hold of the training offered us? We set aside the Word, prayer as we skip merrily along until we crash. 
RA is a different way of having to face the world at any rate---and is a very hard crash. And even yet I can put aside my time with God, and be enveloped in other things. Reading books, watching TV is generally the biggest thing that can pull my focus. I already know I cannot face RA, let alone life in the world, without God.
 
 

Sensitive to All

From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver

I want to be sensitive to the Spirit's touch, don't you? A soul that is sensitive to Sin, that resonates at the slightest movement of the Spirit. A soul that quivers when the breath of God all but touches it. [To do so], be ready, stretch out your branches, unfurl your heart to God, for you never know when His Wind [Spirit] will rise your way.

In my life I have often found that God is not hiding from us...but we may be hiding from God. Often, without thinking. We go our merry way, off to work, school, house, even church, without so much as speaking to God or even thinking about Him. 

And then we wonder why we don't "feel" God's presence at all times. 

Oh,no. He is there. But we become desensitized to His presence by ignoring Him with our "things". We watch TV. We spend time reading other things than the Bible or Biblical based study books, listen to the latest songs. We buy the newest cell phone, the newest car, the newest clothes. We get totally wrapped around other things. These may not all even be in the category of bad things---but I would probably classify them as such when they drag my attention from God. They then become gods in that they have our full attention (and thus, worship).

We all do it. It happens. But we have to make certain to focus on God more than the things of the world, so that then we feel His comforting presence, the glory of His love surrounding us. He is there, but it is so easy for the world to cover our faces with so many scarves of entertainment, etc., that we do not focus on our true King and Lord. We miss out on what is truly important and many times what God is showing us. We must not let that happen, and let the fire of the Lord burn bright before us that we may worship our God with the fullness of our hearts and spirits---because even in the midst of suffering that is the most comforting thing to do.

To the Finish

From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver

Something needs to be finished, and you and I are the ones to do it. We bear in our body the bruising and battering intended for Christ. What's more, we bear it in a godly manner. I call it show-and-tell. Jesus is not around in the flesh right now to do this, but we are. We are the walking billboards of His finished work. We are showing people that His power is displayed, and we are telling them of His death on the cross. We take punches on the chin from the world...the cheek can be turned, the cross carried, the burden borne, the thorn accepted, the temptation can be opposed, and the wicked loved. 

If one can stay the course, focus enough to pray for strength, then perhaps we, through our various trials, can show the love of God. I have heard many stories of those who became believers because of viewing someone's trials and how the person withstood the trial with faith. And then, I too have heard of many who gave up on their Lord because of trials. 

Trials are terrible. I think of Paul and how his trial ("thorn") was enough to be mentioned in one of his letters. Admittedly, it was also a lesson on learning to accept what God has asked us to bear, but it shows, too, how difficult it was for him--since he mentioned it.
I cannot answer the "why" of why we face trials, illnesses, loss. I can say that my previous trials have shaped me into a different person, and, I hope, a better person. We are so born into sin that David writes of it in a Psalms, or being born into sin, living in sin, etc., that it takes years for many of us to learn enough lessons to be willing to let go of our beloved sin.

The Question. The Answer

From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver

When I was first injured and facing the rest of my life in a wheelchair, the "why" question was the first thing that popped into my head every morning. Looking back, I'm not sure I would have understood, let alone been satisfied, had God given me answers. Straight answers to larger than life questions don't increase faith. The only way to increase faith, according to Rom 10.17, is through the Word of God. In essence, God tells us to walk by faith, not by sight. Having faith in God is where we find rest; we don't find it in locating the answers we couldn't bear to hear, even if they were given to us. 

Jesus is everything to you---the answer to your every hope, prayer and promise.

"Why" question days still hit me. I have been pretty much disabled for 10 months now. When I was first ill, I kept expecting it to go away, like the flu. Then I expected to get somewhat better. Or more stable. Or something. 
There are many "whys" in this world. Many that we never will get answers to, or won't for many years down the road. I had found good use of my life experiences previous to RA...RA has me more stumped. I like things to have a purpose, a reason. We all do. 
I continue in the same path I was in...and while I have swings of mild depression, I am still happy that I have had the time (not so much lately due to RA flares) to study God, His glorious soothing Word, and what others have found Him saying. That is really the number one drug, ointment, remedy for RA. For any problem. 
We get so wrapped up in our problems, and we look in (often) all the wrong places for answers. While I believe it is helpful to meet with therapists etc., I think they need to be of the faith. And we need to remember to delve deeply into His Word, as there lies the answer....He is so kind, even in letting us face hardships, and blesses us so fully. We need only look, actually look.

Writing this blog is often a turning point in my day...I am determined to make it uplifting for you, my reader...but in doing so, I am forced to look at my illness in terms of blessings---
I am blessed to have a husband who is kind and understanding
I am blessed to have parents willing to help me when I need it.
I am blessed to have one sister with RA to talk illness to
I am blessed to have one sister without RA who is supportive of me
I am blessed to have nieces and nephews--some old enough to understand and be compassionate of my illness.
The Lord has been truly good to me, in spite of, or including, my RA.

I challenge you, then...if today is a bad day...write a note, and make it uplifting. I dare you to feel bad afterwards emotionally. 

Blindsided by Tradgedy

From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver

When tragedy blindsides you and almost knocks you silly, you are understandably bewildered. You fee confusion and panic. You may be afraid that more hardships will come on top of it all. You may feel a thousand things. But at some point...if you don't stop feeling and start thinking about how to attend to the circumstances you find yourself in, you'll freeze. 
Yes, intense suffering calls for deep emotions. People weep...we should weep (!). God weeps. But there is also a time to think. What you think about God influences your friendship with Him. It affects how much glory you give Him. But your imagination about God (especially in the midst of tragedy) isn't reliable.

I have, like most people, had many impossible things hit me. Always out of no where. Even my anorexia/bulimia hit out of no where. Hard things usually sneak up on us, in my experience. Which, I think, is why they are so difficult. 
My R.A. hit me in one single day. I was fine when I went to bed, and woke up with "glass shards" in my joints, and drenching sweat with receding fevers. There were other symptoms in the "sneaking up stage", but I did not know them for what they were. 
Some hard things we bring upon ourselves. Sin, like tragedy, sneaks up on us--quite frankly sin is a tragedy, and sin causes and has caused all tragedies. It is not necessarily our own sin that brings tragedy upon us---generations of sin may be our curse. 
RA was and remains a tragedy for me. I have lost so much: freedom, possibly the chance to raise a family due to continued extreme illness, my career, and many of the housewife things I hoped to do. It is a tragedy to me, and to those closest to me. I do not think it was any sin that brought me to this--at any rate, my conscience at this point is clear. 
That does not mean my tragedy hurts any less, or is less devastating. One verse popped out to me so strongly once I was well enough to prop a Bible against a pillow and read. John 11:35: Jesus wept. 
To think that my Lord and Savior was so moved by the death of a friend, one who believed in Him from all I see in surrounding Scriptures, and would be in Paradise, I felt as if He wept with me and my tragedy of illness. Whether He does or not, I cannot say....but I know as a person who has spent years in animal husbandry...on the rare instances an animal sheds tears (there are times, and not caused by irritation), I shed tears with them. I know that the Good Shepherd has been here on Earth, and knows what we face. And that helped and helps me face my tragedy of illness.

One thing about being so ill is that at various times there are periods when I am well enough to consider God. Then I am overpowered by the amazing things He has done and the amazing God that He is. While we face our tragedies brought on by a world poisoned by the sins of generations...He is standing firm, not tainted by the evil of the world, and has become the strongest support for us to lean on. He will always stand firm, loving and true, providing "shelter beneath His wings". I could not face RA without my Lord. I could not have faced many things without Him. So lean on Him today...don't face tragedies alone-even if the tragedy is that the two year old of the house has lost all her socks....lean on Him to have the strength to not react to "tragedies" no matter how big or small, but to be able to face them with the strength that shouts to others how real and wonderful our King is.
Peace to you.

I have said "yes!" to you

From Nancy Gurthrie's Abundant Life

All of God's promises have been fulfilled in Christ with a resounding "Yes!" And through Christ, our "Amen" ascends to God for His glory." 2 Cor 1.20
Hear me saying "Yes!" to you throughout your day. By giving Jesus to you, I am living up to every promise I have made to my people throughout the ages. Into eternity you will be blessed by my abundant fulfillment of my promises to you. I've promised you Jesus, who is your joy. I've promised you joy, and Jesus is your joy. I've promised you a life that is meaningful and worthwhile, and it is Jesus living through you that makes your life meaningful and worthwhile. Whenever you might be tempted today to think that I am withholding anything good from you, remember that I have given you my very best in giving you Jesus. In Him, you have everything you truly need, and more than you even know to ask for. 

Tonight I was sitting with that feeling creeping up on me. Dissatisfaction. Jealousy. Even nervous tension. I spend most days working on Bible studies, drawing/coloring, pinterest/email and sleep. I do housework when I can. I walk when I can. I go to the library and a local thrift shop when I can. And...I go to the doctor. 
I miss my job as a nurse. I miss finding ways to take care of people, finding good therapies, whether in medicine or the amount of blankets placed under a sore arm. I miss helping sick people get well or at least feel better. 
I do the same for myself as I can. But...it is like doing math. You don't always see the mistakes close up. 
Reading the above helped remind me what is really important. All I need is God. God places us where we need to be at each time in our lives. Sometimes those times are painful times, times of growth; others are surprisingly easy. Wherever we are at, God is right there, leading us. 
So do not feel dissatisfied, jealous or whatever emotion. You are where you belong at this time. And enveloped in the fullness of the Lord's love.

Love Will Say

From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver
il
Love will say, "I'd do anything for You, God, following You anywhere". Obedience will say, "And let me prove it." 
Obedience is not so much for God's sake, but for ours. God wants us to realize the depth of our love for Him. So He tests us...all the while He never withholds His love from us. He love for us drives Him to test us in order to refine us. If we hold on, remain faithful and rigorously obey, our hearts become refined. Obedience melts away pride and prejudice. Obedience crushes into dust self-centeredness, revealing a heart pure and at peace.

So, if Elizabeth and Mr Darcy had merely obeyed, they would have neither been proud nor prejudice. Just couldn't stand it--had to say it.

Before I fell ill, I would have said I had a fairly good relationship with God. I felt more love from Him hat I had previously...and I had studied the Bible all the way through to try and save my faith after a disastrous life event. It worked. God and I withstood that, we withstood anorexia and depression, even nursing school. But there was still a great deal missing. I felt it some then, I would feel it massively now. 
We have to keep growing in our walk with God. Our faith, love and knowledge must grow. And I don't mean by what we can get out of books like college. These things can be partially achieved from the Word, but only because the Word is from God. I hate to say it, but we are not going to grow spiritually from Little House on the Prairie books, and certainly not from 50 Shades of Grey. 
The Word, as I am reading in other books and we shall go into more detail soon(!), is one of the best ways for the Holy Spirit to communicate. But only if you use it. 
I have fallen behind in my Bible reading, being so focused on trying to read books from the library that I am still taking notes from. The books are useful, as they are from people with more knowledge than I have...but the best teacher is still right there, waiting for you to pick up the textbook.       How many many times we pick up the Word, and there is nothing! Nothing stirs in the spirit, nothing jumps out, or makes sudden sense where before it had not. Sometimes I think that is our fault.
From all my experience in 10 months of being sick and bed bound more days than not, God is ALWAYS there. The problem is not with God. It is with us. When we are reading the Bible....sometimes (guilty!) we are just doing so because we are "supposed" to as a"good Christian". Yes! You are supposed to. But not that way! We should open the Word with the idea it is the collection of letters from a loved one away at War. A husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend---we need that amount of attentiveness going into getting and just OPENING our gift of God's Word. 
I never felt so blessed to have the Word everywhere. We have many translations in the house. The Word was everywhere, and while I knew it was important, it was meaningless all at the same time. I did not have the desperation to open it and dwell among the pages like a bookworm might. 
However, even with that dull attitude, God will change it.Either by continued reading and enlightening by the Spirit...or by the arrival of hard times.
This battle with RA and now fibromyalgia has been the hardest battle yet. I actually think if God had not prepared me with so many other battles...I would not have been able to take this one as I have. I have found so much joy in the sorrow of sickness, peace in the throes of severe pain, wonder at His presence...I have found pure joy at being able to hold a copy of the Word, and settle myself deeply into it, and for moments not remembering my illness. 
I will be healed someday. I doubt that it is in this lifetime, but in paradise. What a wonderful, calming thought. And if God heals me sooner here on Earth, that will be wonderful as well. 
Peace to you all.

Native Air

From Tough Minded Faith for Tender Hearted People---Robert H Schuller

It's terribly important to understand that a believer is a normal person. A persistently negative and cynical attitude is a mark of emotional illness. Faith is the native air to be breathed in and out of human beings. Faith faces the fear and turns the negative into a positive. Doubt runs from faith and is ovewhelmed. 

I was somewhat fortunate with my diagnosis. RA can come with blood markers. RA can come without blood markers. Seronegative patients have a harder time being diagnosed than those with the markers. I am seronegative.
But I have an advantage that my sister did not. I had a sister who was now diagnosed with seronegative RA. While my sister had to spend ages getting somewhere with her symptoms, I was already somewhere. 
I did not taste the fear of diagnosis as strongly as I could. But for that matter...I knew what was wrong with me anyway from my nursing texts and speaking with my sister.
I tasted and taste fear more when I have been sick for days. Not getting up but to use the restroom. I fear those days, and I fear getting sicker. 

Regardless, God's soothing presence is there. He is everywhere at all times. It's more like we have to make the effort to simply plug ourselves in.  It does not matter that I am sick, for it is only my body that is ill. I have a glorious new body waiting, and at that wonderful time I will be with you all in Paradise!
Ever notice how you go through life and you say to yourself "I can handle this" about one more thing on your plate---another child's school activity, another duty at work, needing to make one more stop when running errands than usual. Sure. Maybe you can. But we keep saying that. Someone gets sick, or the job gets lost, or you have to quit for some reason. A new baby that is wanted, but unexpected. Stress adds up, but we just keep going along saying we can take it.  We don't ask for help from anyone, often least of all God.
I pretty much was at that state the weeks before my RA hit. We have to rely on God and use His strength. Quite frankly, I think it is the not using of the Lord's strength that kills people. We listen to and read articles on managing stress, sleeping better, time management---and I think it is good to read those. But, the best and most fulfilling answer is NOT to read those, but to settle the night with the Word, or the very least a devotional. I have been known to fall asleep with them in my hands. So I know you are tired in the world, but I am so exhausted at times I have seriously nearly fallen asleep eating. 
Also, especially if you cannot sleep and the reading did not help, my favorite is to "Be still, and know that I am God." If you honestly sit quietly and focus just on God...your mind will shut up it's long lists of do this, do that, and you will be at peace. I bet you sleep then. 
Blessing and peace to you.

Grace

From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver

No matter how lost you feel, God is with you. If you are resting in Him, you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

There are so many times in life people say they feel lost. I especially have heard it from those in college. They had no idea what degree to go for. Or after graduation, they had no clue for a job. People who had a fiance break off an engagement, divorces, illnesses, death of children, parents or spouse. People are so lost so often. 
God is indeed with us through those times. Hard things happen, and confusing things happen...all because we caused a broken world. Just rest in the Lord; take comfort that He is God.
I have found with RA/fibro that the world seems less broken if I just rely on the Lord. Focusing on Him rather clouds the harder parts of life because they seem so much more less important. Taking time to listen to worship music in the car, pray when starting the day can help...but honestly I spend more time just thinking about God. Thinking about what the books I am reading and taking notes from that are about God---and the ideas the author (pastor)  set down in print that I had not thought of. As I have been saying the last several posts, God is so much more amazing than we can write out or even describe. When we rest in Him, it is easier to see the world and make a choice about the world. Easier to heal from the hardship of divorce or lost engagement. God's love may cover a multitude of sins, but I think His love covers uncertainty in the game of searching for a career. Just rely on Him and you will find your path. He is, after all, the Good Shepherd.

His Concern

From J.E. Tada's More Precious that Silver

God brought to mind the story of Elijah. The prophet had become depressed just one day after he performed spectacular miracles. Elijah had announced the end of a drought...the record shows the Angel of the Lord touched Elijah and even agreed "the journey is too much for you." (1 King 19.7) Elijah rested and had something to eat and drink.
The Lord gives us gentle reminders of His intimate concern over every detail of our lives.


There are so many days where we do things. Maybe not miracles...
But we have a family dinner. Everyone was happy, everything went fairly smoothly. Or you even just went shopping, and bought some things you really wanted. Clothes, fishing gear...whatever. Graduated from High School, graduated from college. Got a new job, retired, the list goes on forever.

And we are so tired. The clothes we bought somehow aren't as wonderful as we thought. The exhaustion from the family dinner sinks in as we look at all the dishes to wash. Graduation was great...until we either realize there is more school to do, or we have to find a job and don't know where to start. We got a new job, but a fellow employee hates us to the point of complaining to the boss. We retired and feel like life is over and sit in silence.
God is there...He is willing to offer peace, comfort, love. Sometimes this comes to us through a good friend, but I think the best way is through prayer and actually telling God what is wrong. He knows, but any therapist will tell you to get whatever is troubling you off of your chest. Tell Him you are scared now, what with trying to find a job, and everything being so expensive. Tell Him about your retirement and how useless you feel. 
There are many things I have become certain of with RA/fibro. God is always there. 
I spent (and still spend) many days on that couch/bed of mine. I do not expect someone to sit with me all day while I stare at the wall because I do not feel good. In fact, I don't generally want company...even though I hate being alone. 
I can, however, pray to God. Sometimes it comes out "I can't". Or "You know what I would say", because I am too sick and too fibro-fogged in the brain to do more than that. I may have tears streaming down my face, or even being sobbing---but I cannot put words to what I want or need. I don't even know. 
God knows what we need. It is said that "God sometimes answers what you should have prayed for, not what you prayed for." He knows what is best. 
When I cry out to God, He sends peace. I feel enveloped in peace, as if there are the great arms of the Lord are encircling the couch to keep everything at bay. The Lord is a great Father. And while bad things do and will happen in this broken, dying world...He loves us to the point of dying for us. Of course He is going to provide us with rest...we just need to take that rest and peace. We have to accept what we often shun because of worry. Leave the worry, accept the Lord's peace...and you will have His strength to face your troubles, as He is walking right along with you. Praise the Lord!!

A Miracle

From J.E Tada's More Precious than Silver

"A miracle will not do the convincing." That the Holy Spirit's job. For me, the real miracle means sitting in this wheelchair and smiling. Everyday I experience miracles of patience and perseverance, endurance and self-control. The ordinary (which is so very extraordinary) work of the Spirit is sufficient.

I said to Steve (a very mature Christian), "I can't face a life of paralysis with a happy attitude. It's just too big."   He had a wise reply: "God doesn't ask that of you. He only asks that you take one day at a time."   The truth set me free, along with other truths like leaning daily on God's grace and realizing God's children are never victims. 

We miss every day miracles. It is a miracle to face sitting in a wheelchair. It's a miracle to face having days on end of laying on a couch. It's a miracle to face using breathing assistance and suction machines, such as those with cystic fibrosis.---all of these with a smile rather than the depths of depression It's a miracle to have a job. Maybe blessing is a better term...but we still miss so much. 
One of my other readings mentioned how we miss answers to prayer. I think he is right...most of us pray for things without ever noticing if there was even an answer. We get asked to pray for other people, which we do, perhaps diligently, perhaps not...but we usually don't look to see if anything happened to that prayer. Even in our own life, we do not remember what we prayed for/how we asked...so do not know that prayer has been answered. Again, it was maybe not as it was asked, it is said "God answers the prayer you should have said." I imagine that is true, and praise God for that. We so often think we know what is right for us, and quite frankly I doubt that is ever true. So when we do pray, God often gives us something better. Even if we don't think so. 
It was suggested by that author to write prayers down...which I do to not get  distracted. You do tend to be able to see, then, that God in fact has answered prayer. Little prayers, big prayers, He does listen. He is there, helping and loving...however we think He is silent in the hard times. I think that is because we are not listening and are too busy yelling; yelling at family, yelling at friends, yelling at God. 

The second section tore me to pieces when I read it. I am, like most chronic illnesses, facing a lifetime of RA and fibro. They may get better, and more managed, but, like the monster under a kid's bed...it will lurk there, under the surface. I have many days still where I scream silently in my mind, "I can't do this! I can't do sixty years of swollen joints, pain and sick, and being alone!" But I do only have to face and worry about today. And in the chronic illness world, it is often down to the second. 
Things are often easier now. I am not overall as sick as I was (again, praise the Lord!), but I am still very limited. More than I want to be. I want to be a nurse, and a wife who can go on dates with her husband, see friends and have children. Most of these I cannot do at this point. And it can be heartbreaking. 
God, however, is there. He is calling me to continue forward, Jesus walks beside be as we are yoked, and the Spirit is within. (a paraphrase of a wonderful thought). If, when I have that horrible, terrible unspeakable feeling of fear of facing the next sixty years...I usually spare some tears, but I can feel God's presence (most times) begin to envelope me. 
We are all such beloved children. Look around at the world! Not the big cities and whatever...but all the beautiful plants, animals to be pets...even though the world is such a broken place, if you take even a moment to look, you can just see everything screaming out about God. This is a mirror of what we should have had and what we will have, but what peace and love you can see and feel with the glories of creation. God is love. He cares so much for us that I can't even really think of a way to describe it. May you walk in peace with God.

Exposure

From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver

Exposure of our sin is God's way of healing our soul. As in the case of contaminated water, the danger is in the concealment of the poison. As long as it was down there, the water would kill. It had to come up and be exposed to the cleaning elements before its deadliness could be neutralized. God digs past out attempts to hide our sins and brings them to our minds. Then He exposes them to His faithful and just character to cleanse and restore life. 

We all talk about this subject a lot. I have already talked about this subject a lot.  But just because I have gotten rid of some old sins by forgiving...some new ones have emerged. 
Yesterday was the two year anniversary of my last clinical day as a student nurse. Just weeks later I took and passed the state boards. I was a nurse! One of the High Honor nurses when walking in the graduation ceremony. I got married. 
11 months ago, I woke up with feet that felt like glass shards were between the bones. I could not stop being drenched in sweat from all the pain. Nausea got worse and worse. My doctor put me on light duty, but eventually that was too much. I left that job with promises of rehiring upon steadying of my disease. We haven't permanently managed that. And it breaks my heart. 
Yet I am beginning to consider this a sin. Not the being ill with RA/fibrom, but being hurt when I come out of flares because I am "missing" so much. Certainly, it can be true...but is there a point in being distressed by it? It is not as though I am being abused or left out. I am simply, even on most good days, too sick to make going anywhere much worth it. 

To digress...I have been extraordinarily blessed. I have spent more hours in Bible related things than I likely have over the course of my life. I have loved every minute of that---ever delving deeper into the never-ending mysteries of my loving Father. This "work" as I call it has helped me fight against those feelings of grief, the fact that I am better today likely means another terrible sick day could hit me. When I spend so much time reading books written by godly authors, and read the Psalms and the N Testament, it soothes my heart. One of the Psalms even states something along the lines of "the reading of the law renews the mind". It is certainly so...
Alas...when any of us are in a state of grief, we often cannot stay focused on anything because of the grief. We must make the effort to commune with God. He is waiting with open arms, and will provide peace. 
I am most upset with my disease state and how harsh it still is when I am not doing my "work", or not reading the Bible otherwise. Or lack of prayer. I get so focused on being upset about being sick. In His Word I find comfort, peace and love. So, find (or make) some time today to do some to do one or the other. How can we expect to know our God more and see a glimpse of all the love, empathy and compassion He has for you

Redefining

From Coping with Chronic Pain (forgotten author's name)

This may sound strange, but you will need to relearn your world and reinvent yourself. You will need a new definition of yourself, including others. You will also discover changes in your relationship with God and the teachings of the Scriptures.
A woman with Lupus said: "Grieving my losses served as a bridge, allowing me to celebrate my todays to the fullest instead of being imprisoned in my yesterdays and tomorrows. Grief was the key that unlocked the door to my adjustment."
 
While from a pain-coping book, this passage is profound, and can apply to all of us. 
Life is hard. There is not getting around that. Pets die. Family members die. Simply bad days happen. All because we, long ago, made the choice to sin. 
After any hard event, whether it be you spilled pop all over your lap before an interview, or that saddening fact that your aunt passed away...can create great change in you. Well...maybe not the pop spill. 
Grief is a tool that makes us look at life differently. Way back in January, I had written a blog that talked about how I had finally forgiven so many people in which hurts still festered below the surface. I did not even realize until I was prostrate, wraith-like on the couch in agony, that those hurts were even THERE! 
I can say, now, that while I still am sick with RA and fibro, and cannot plan anything in advance yet...my soul is clearer. As if a wind has blown away sick, thick, tire-burning smoke from the hollow of my heart. I do feel lighter, after not carrying those pains with me. 
It takes time to let pains of hurts go. But we cannot cling to them like a beloved teddy bear, for their presence will poison us over time. It is good and wonderful to think of your aunt...but not to dwell on the fact and forget to live. 
Sometimes people are mad at God. I have not been...but I would recommend that if you are...spend time in the Word. The longer you stay away from God, the more poisoned you will be by the evil ones, and the more they will be able to drag you with them. 
God loves us so much. It has been said, I have read, that Jesus withstood every illness, hurt and whatever on the cross. For millions and millions of people. Whether or not it is true...I cannot tell you how much He loves us. It is so far beyond our mental abilities that there is no understanding it. His love can cover old hurts and new hurts so deeply, it is almost like they never happened.

Dying Trees

From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver

They say that when a tree begins to decay at its roots, the mischief is first seen at the extreme ends of little branches...you notice the new growth is dry and brittle. I can't help but think how much like little trees we are...we simply must aim to have a Christian walk that, like the sap of a tree, runs through every twig and leaf of our character.

As followers, we profess to be acting as our King would have us act. We often proudly state we are Christians, what with fish on the bumper of our car, or vinyl verses attached to the rear window...yet the choices we make sometimes (most times, from what I heard at college) ensure that our Lord is not real. We say something cross to a telemarketer, we snap at the bank teller who is in training, we honk the horn at the coffee stand as soon as the car ahead half has their order. We get poisoned by the world saying it is all about what we want. No. It is not.
We are now enslaved to the most loving, kind, wonderful Savior. What we do in the world should be what HE would do...which, unfortunately, does not include honking the horn at elderly in a crosswalk. (please understand the sarcasm there!). Our Lord treated everyone with respect---with the exception of the coin changers--including His betraying disciple. He was, however, also not opposed to showing, gently generally, where one was sinning. 
We need remember that every time we step out of the door of our home (indeed, in our home as well!) we are missionaries in our communities. At the workplace. Wherever you spend your day. Thus, I say we show respect and love to all. I have often been questioned about behavior of non believers, and I reply that I do not always approve of behavior, due to what the Bible has to say...but I will love the person. 
Remember...if you are struggling with your day, speak with your Father. I have found with many hard days that even a minute in prayer asking for help and strength and patience with a day or a person makes a difference in your day. Blessings.