Whatever. Go to sleep.

I am so tired.

I feel like I am crawling on the ground, a ground covered in broken glass and nails, shredded metal and thistles. My body appears as a lightning strike victim might appear...brusing, red streaks, holes and gashes. 

Over the last year, I discovered my husband had been a years' long porn addict. I will never understand why someone will tell you about cheating and using porn that it "didn't mean anything" because that, to me, means physical intimacy meant nothing with me, either. 

I went through one on one counseling and a porn addicts' wives support group. 

I changed a lot. 

I also filed for and got a divorce. I asked for no financial support.  

I then had a massive infection from a root canal. My jaw was so swollen, and the swelling went down my neck. I ended up on two antibiotics at once. At least I didn't end up in hospital. 

And then my father died. And I found him. And there was nothing I could do. 

What does God want of me? Why does He continue to allow me to be flooded with horrible things? I feel like everyone else is jigging along the path to paradise in matching Adidas sportswear, airpods chirping in their ears. They run right past me as I lay gasping on the broken glass on the ground. Everyone is so busy that I am forgotten. I reach out again and again...and still they jog past. 

What does God want of me? I've lost my health, I am so tired of fighting to keep the bare minimum of my nursing license. I am tired of trying over and over again. I'm tired of being forgotten and left behind. I'm tired of kissing out on the things young people are supposed to get: marriage, children, careers, whatever. 

Instead, I lay in a bed or on a couch, too tired to fight another day. 

Even though I will fight and keep fighting....

I'd just like to be happy for a while. I know it is a choice, but it gets hard trying to be happy when the world about you crumbles like ash whenever you breathe wrong. 

What do I do? Why do I have to be the one that others say "it reminds me of Job!"....because it also reminds me of Job. I don't want to be Job. 

I need to sleep. So this won't end on much of a positive note. I am just so tired of trying and hoping and praying when things just keep getting worse.  

Yokes, Carriages and Good Horses

 I have been thinking so much about yokes, probably partially due to my divorce. I wish things could have been better, but I know it was destroying my health. 

I first looked into carriage horses teams because my mother is fond of a YouTube channel, which follows this man who trains carriage horses in England. 

I decided to look up what you needed for a good team of horses. 

It was mindblowing! Horses need to be the same size, of course, but they should be the same weight, the same length in body and in leg, the same lung capacity, the same stride, the same speed of walking--basically a copy of itself would be the best teammate for a horse. 

Have you ever been around someone who held most of the same ideals, goals, and activities as you? It is so much easier to speak with them, enjoy time around them, and to learn together. It is the hardest work to be around someone who has nothing in common with you---or believes you to be a complete fool. Someone who does not give grace in mistakes etc.

So this of course made me start thinking about how we, for our own safety, are to not be unequally yoked. 

14Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 2 Cor 6. 14(   NIV )

There is a study that is being worked with which has found that brain waves all become one pattern in a room of people. They don't know why or how, or which brain wave is matched out of all the patterns. I figure this is why sometimes one meets someone for the first time and instantly feels like a friend, and they become lifelong friends. The brainwaves match without effort. 

I fear there is a negative impact to this, that one may match brainwaves with someone who is on the fallen track. Or at least a poisonous track. If we follow along with sinners, we too will likely sin. This isn't to day we should shut ourselves up in a commune, but I think we need to know where our strengths lie. 

Can you sit in a bar to hold a Bible study or discussions and not get drunk or tempted to leave with some man or woman? Then perhaps that is a place you could go do things. 

Can you be around people in a drug rehab facility, helping with intakes and not steal the drugs they had on them for yourself?

We have skill sets, but we must be aware of weaknesses in sinful areas. Each step down the bad paths is another hard step, and I am convinced every sinful step changes our brain chemistry, making it that much harder to stop. 

I know that there have been studies done that state that pornography use in men drops their oxytocin levels in general, so they don't have normal relationships (sexual and nonsexual). The study also said that testosterone levels went up with porn use, meaning a stronger and stronger sex drive, without ever really having the full satisfaction of intimacy with a wife. Sex is never enough ever. Wives of addicts usually report feeling like they are not even present during intimate times, because the man is so focused on himself and what he has been seeing. "I felt like a sex toy," is commonly stated. They will report a coldness all the time from the husband, no matter what they try to do to encourage closeness. 

Every single sinful step is one more chemical barrier to an easier life. Sinning requires a lot of secrets and hiding, from everyone, God, loved ones, friends and...oneself. 

If we continue to walk as honorable a life before God as we can, then the easier it can be to see God, to meet Him. 

When training an animal to work in a team, the team needs to be close to size, yes, but one animal is often more experienced, and often thus takes on more of the load. The new animal is still taking the load too, but more is on the experienced animal. 

They need to be in step, moving together, in the same direction. How can any of us hope to move with God if we are running in the opposite direction? 

We must be in step with our faith. We won't be perfect, not in this world. But with the attempt to honor God due to our love for Him, it will go easier. 

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls  Matt 11. 29 ( NIV  )

When I lean on God, most every battle is easier. Some more than others, some I carried a very heavy load. It is by far the best life to live from what I have watched of others' lives and my own. It is not always easy, and sometimes it is so hard as to break the heart.