I Nearly Died

I nearly died over Memorial Weekend. 

I have been in more pain than I have ever been, about my ribs and back. I gave up volunteering because I couldn't stand sitting or standing. I couldn't stand laying down. I couldn't eat because the pain always swooped in worse in the afternoon, and having a stomach that had ANYTHING in it made the pain worse. 

I began going to the ER when the pain was so bad that I was starting to scream, just lay and scream. It felt like I was being torn in two. The ER really can't help you, because there isn't much they can do...but they did sometimes provide some super NSAIDs which at least gave me about 6 hours of less pain. 
I have been to every type of doctor you can imagine. No help. No hope. No future. The answer was always this is who you are now....
I spent months writhing in agony. Pain was 15 out of 10. I was begging God to heal me or take me. I was asking my doctors about hospice, because if nothing else, I was going to starve to death...but I couldn't take the pain. 

I collapsed on Sunday, May 26. If my husband hadn't been up and managed to find me, we really aren't sure what would have happened. 
It turned out that I had had a bleeding ulcer, and a very bad one, which no one was catching onto, least of all me. The symptoms I had are not a usual presentation. The placement of the ulcer, which was in the small intestine, either eats a hole into the abdominal cavity, leading to peritonitis and likely spesis, or it eats the other side, digging into the portal (liver) vessels. 
I had bleed enough and eaten nothing that I had the typical GI upset stomach within a short time, letting the ER doctors know that I had a bleed. Super low blood pressure, and, being an already near impossible stick, they had to use ultrasound machines to get IVs in and start fluids, antibiotics and blood. (Thank you, whoever it was who donated the blood they gave me). 
We expected to be admitted into the same hospital, but the GI dr there felt I was too unstable, and so I was shipped via ambulance north. Once there, I had a stomach scope done to see what needed to be done. 
The ulcer was too bad to do the usual cauterization/freezing process, so I was held for 72 hours, as there is a 20-40% chance of a rebleed in the first 48 hours. I was terrified, since up to waking up to my husband and parents having already called 911, I had no memory of even feeling "funny", apart from a slight dizziness that had passed earlier.
The watch and wait game was hard, especially when my blood counts went down and I had to get more blood products. The nurse gave me sedatives to make the whole thing easier. 
My other option, if the bleeding did not stop was surgery, basically cutting out the ulcer and stitching me back up. I really didn't want that, being someone who avoids surgery unless that is the only option, of course...so the idea of surgery also had me terrified. 
My husband stayed all the nights which was wonderful, and I had other family visiting and calling. 

My blood counts stabilized, and I was sent home on restricted diet, restricted meds (figuring it was from ibuprofen).
Having now been home more than two weeks, I can still barely eat anything, as I can only eat the plainest foods, and I still will get suddenly terrified over being totally alone, as if I hadn't been found in the middle of the night who knows what would have happened. Its not that I am even afraid of dying, just...being alone if I woke up unable to move or call out and facing death alone, I guess. I get afraid if I feel "off" or "poorly" as that is about all I felt before collapsing.

I am very, very weak, and have only now gotten to where I can usually get up the stairs and not have to practically fall into a chair gasping from lack of air. I have never been so weak in my life. 

Apparently, thus far, the back and rib pain that had me in such misery is gone...it must have been a presentation of the ulcer, a referred pain, though all the doctors and nurses I have spoken to since have never heard of such a case. I am still on tenterhooks that it will return, but if it is gone, and that was the problem, then who knows how I might be when I get my strength back. 

Funny, after having something like this...you ask God, what You have me do now? Anything different?