Hello Again

Hello my reader. This is the sickest I have been in a long while. I'd have to admit I was basically bed bound before February, but after the incredible pain of February (and to be honest, the great discomfort of January, December and November), I have spent most of my day in bed, and, as my previous posts stated, in the dark. 
I try and get up and sit in a chair--in fact my daily goal is to spend all day sitting in a chair, and has been these past four and a half years. I haven't driven a car in about eight months, now, not that I drove much anyway, but now I really can't drive. I can't take stretching and reaching as you would with a car.  Even reaching for a book or something can cause problems, though that is less likely now than it was, thank the Lord.
My sisters have had to take up the gauntlet and drive me (and my parents) to various doctor appointments. Some of those rides have been agony. I sit in the backseat, with about five pillows, which I organize into various positions to stand the ride to the doctor, and then shift them as needed. My husband gave me a portable DVD player for Christmas, which has a longer battery life than my old one, and it has been great. When the ribs start squeezing in on my lungs and intestines, I can turn that on and try to zone out away from the pain. I can't say it works every time, but it works better than in February. Oh.
At least I have gone nearly a month with just minor "fits". Times I have to go lay down (if possible), but I am not writhing in agony, debating screaming, or stating over and over and over again "Oh, God" as some sort of strange prayer/begging for relief. 
I have debated over these last few months as to what the point of all this was (or is, depending on if this is going away), since I always feel things happen for a reason. Is it a witness that my faith remains? Is it for me alone? 
I don't know, but then, it is possible this is too close--I know that some of the things that happened to me had a place for outward reach and assistance, as well as a personal strengthening.

Health Update: cardio

Still no answers to why I am in so much pain. 
Spent Saturday night in the ER again, with my BP so high and the pain. Was given fluids, a couple meds which didn't do anything. Had a CT scan of my heart and lungs, and there was nothing wrong with the structure, though the pulse and BP is still bad. 
They gave me a super NSAID that you  can only take a couple of days because it will be so hard on the kidneys. It helps. And I also was given a different muscle relaxer, which I think works better. 
Already have an appointment with the cardiologist. Still waiting on the gastroenterologist, the physiatrist and possibly neurologist. 
I am scared. Tired. I have never hurt so much in my life, though at least I have a bit of a break here for the moment. I am so scared...because is this my future? Totally crippled, in agony, can't hardly talk because it triggers the pain? How sick will I get? I expected to get worse as I got older, but not quite like this.

Its an interesting experience being put back into bed. While I have been extremely limited in what I could do, I had gotten to where I was awake all day most days, and did sit on a recliner all day. It was often an incredible amount of effort and work to stay sitting and awake. 
Being back in bed almost widens the world. Any time not spent in misery is spent in contemplation. 
Reading is still hard, but I will start as I can. 
I've been debating God, though I don't have a brilliant statement about Him. Just that He is always there, and I am mot alone in this bed ridden life. 
We need to be more aware that He is there. When the hardest things hit us, we always talk about being alone, no one there to help us. The thing is, we aren't alone, we just don't look hard enough. God is easy to find, but has to be looked for.

Medical Post: Cardiologist

Since I don't know whether it is RA or psoriatic arthritis related, a new post heading. 
Waiting to go see a cardiologist now. Still getting random chest pain and spasms, have to be EXTREMELY careful to not reach, talk or do too much. Pulse is still ranging about 122-133 off and on throughout day, which is not good. I am trying hard to breathe easy as I would tell a patient, but breathing itself hurts pulls or rubs on whatever hurts internally and externally. Rib joints are still sore, wow. 
This cardiac thing scares me. The rates are not good...
Maybe I've had some cardiac issue for years, and while it wouldn't fix the autoimmune, it might make me feel better. Never noticed symptoms per se, but...who does?
Anyway, I find the symptoms distressing. That and the fact so few people believe me. Most people pat me on the head, sneer at me, and nonverbally tell me that if I just tried a bit harder I could do anything. I hate the lack of belief, and judgemental, you aren't sick just whiney, lazy, etc.
After fighting my way through anorexia, I agree. If it was purely a motive of mental willpower, I would win. It isn't. If I push with that willpower, push through the exhaustion, nausea and whatever other warning sign, I end up with worse things. 
I was pushing to keep my nursing license active, having been told by the state continuing ed could be work or ed. They changed their mind...and so around November, I started volunteering twice a week at work, desperately trying to get hours. I then could do nothing else that week. Could not get my body to do it...thus proving to many people that I indeed was lazy 😎
 I began getting this rib/chest.pain.  I tried harder to get into work. I am now bed ridden, and who knows what ails my heart, plus the breathing issues I have besides the rib pain. 
So by trying to do more than my body can do, did I make things permanently worse? My license is at least safe for retired inactive the rest of this year...but who knows now if I ever will be able to go back. If this is me, then no, this is the end of all that. 
Its hard to be an overachiever and have to admit defeat because the line at the pharmacy was one person too long.