Unexplainable

From J.E. Tada's More Precious than Silver

We never need doubt the love of Christ. We have plenty of solid evidence. But there might be times when we may wonder just how much Jesus delights Himself in us. It is true that bearing the Father's wrath on the cross was the ultimate test of how immense Christ's love is, but our soul wants to know more. I want to know how passionately, how intensely, He feels about me. 
The question is answered in blood. There is a word that marks the love of Christ, and that is excessive. His love overflows all reason, all expectations, all hopes and dreams. For Christ to lay down His life for you tells you that His covenant is no schoolboy pledge or head-of-state agreement or legal contract. Christ's love is riddled with powerful emotion. For Him to die for you is for Him to be delighted in you.

It is one of the really hard days. The upswing of a flare. When you start leaving behind the sickness of a flare. I cannot describe the huge hole left in my heart, soul...being. It makes me feel like I am breaking apart all at once, leaving slivers of mica "me" each pass through a flare. 
Yet, as teary eyed as I may be at the moment....and as sick as I was the past several days...I found myself singing in my mind "Blessed be the Name" yesterday. I was so miserable...I could not even really get the tune going in my head, but I found myself singing all the same. I had to, it was not even something I decided to do to "help" myself. So the chorus whirled around and around as I lay still.

Sometimes we think...why should anyone suffer? When God could just stop all suffering? And that is a question thrown out over and over and over again. And answered in so many different ways. 
I know that, since we do not walk with God in the Garden of Eden, few people would likely be that interested in God if they didn't "see" Him as Adam and Eve once did. 
With hard times before us, we search out for God. That could be deemed irrational---we are miserable, so we are looking for an all loving God to take care of it? 
Then it goes deeper...it's not that we want God to look after it, but we want Him to be with us. And He is...and the more we search for Him, talk about Him, look to Him, the more we see Him, hear Him. The more the painful walk becomes less painful. There will be the bad days, if we let them get to us, but that painful walk we started on is not the treasure we have saved up. Time spent with God is that treasure, and how much He loves us is so indescribable...even if He allows me to be stricken with a chronic illness...I know He loves me, and it is all for such a very short time in the length of eternity. Sometimes I can see the beauty in my suffering--what I have learned my months of trying to study God, the changes it has made in the family and my friends...
I do not know what God has planned. I am still afraid, frustrated and saddened. But He is there, and that makes a big difference in how I can go on.