Magnifies

I've been so sick. I still never knew people could feel so terrible all the time. Not without facing cancer treatments or death. I haven't even been able to read...sick enough to not understand what I am reading. Too much effort to hold a book. Kindle light too bright for tired eyes. Worn out body and spirit with sick, sick, sick. 
Went to the hospital with terrible stomach  pain and sickness. I figured my gall bladder was going. So did the drs. All tests came back ok. So I am on carefate, which coats the stomach. Helps a lot. Until I eat. 
The point I'm making is I feel terrible most of the time. My thoughts are scattered, tears fly easily to my eyes from it all. I feel terrible, and the strain of my sickness hits my housemates hard. 
Even with all this, unable to hold or read the Bible--only recently been able to understand what I am reading, even in the most often read books----my "soul magnifies the Lord". 
I read of the prophets of old looking forward to the time of Christ. Looking forward and dreaming of the sights and sounds they might have seen and heard. And I dream of hearing His voice, seeing those things as however we might in Paradise as living glorification...videos if you will. All the miracles He did, the stories not told as mentioned in the last verse of the book of John. Can you imagine hearing His voice? Seeing Him? Oh! That we might hear and see today! That paradise, His second coming was this very millisecond!
My dreams for this are strong, probably because of my illness and suffering. My soul magnifies the Lord. If I could but tell the world in so many words what has been done in my own small life---what blessings. And those are only the ones I've seen and noticed! How many blessings do we have we do not see? I never saw the terrors of panic attacks and anorexia as being useful, ever...and yet they were extraordinary useful to this day. For myself and other people. I look forward to seeing what blessings and wonders have been done since the beginning of man someday, assuming we get to see such things. 
I feel like the woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years (can you imagine how ill she might have been!). If I could but touch the hem of His robe. Not even so much to be healed. But to touch the firstborn of all creation.  To touch the Master of my soul, the King of my life,  the Shepherd of my thoughts. To hear His voice calling to me, have the tears I've shed wiped dry. 
This world is difficult, often beyond words. But there is Something so incredible with us, Something so wonderful, amazing, powerful. And Something that rewards us for sticking with Him through the suffering of the world. Satan tries to break us. Get us to "join" his side...whether through heartbreak, sickness, whathaveyou. Read the parables on the grain, the sowing of wheat. Everything is thrown at us to try and drive us from God. The stronger we hold onto God, the stronger that grip gets, an unbreakable bond. He spilled blood for us, and when we hold on, ask for help to hold on...we are lifted from sinking in the sea. Never alone, never forgotten. Were any of the disciples lost from Christ? Barring Iscariot, who had long loosed his grip on Him. Nothing separated them from the love of God. 

Stormy Seas

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." Mt 6.34 NLT

I am a champion worrier. I think I would be able to surpass or at least be even with the top worrier you know. I can worry about anything, from the weather to food to what I said. 
RA has changed some worries. I don't worry much about the next day. Or the next moment. I never know how I will feel, so...it changes the stressors I once had. When I was "active" and more mobile, I worried about tomorrow, the day after, the next day, etc. Life was one big worry. And I wonder how much of that influenced my health. 

Obviously we are told not to worry, which seems easier said than done. Yet if we are willing to give up some of the precious control we always think we need, we can actually stop worrying! Without the use of anti anxiety meds even! (Though the nurse in me says use them if you've been prescribed them!!!) 

If we will call out to God, Who throughout this passage is said to know all our needs, He will help us handle the load we bear. Sometimes it seems like the answer comes in an odd way---maybe someone steps in to help with our laundry while we take a sick family member to a doctor. Or maybe the answer just seems hidden from us, and we don't realize we now have more energy than we did. He will help, if we are willing to let go of our worries, let today be today...and tomorrow just be tomorrow. 
I know how difficult it can be to let go of those worries and fears. It takes a lot of effort sometimes to let go. Just let go, cry on His shoulder and admit the fears you have. He knows...and loves you so much. Life may be very hard at times---but we are never left alone or forsaken. He is always there, always reaching down into the stormy sea to pull us up again. 

Boiling point

I had an episode of boiling rage a week and some back. I had reason to be angry. 
We often have a reason to be angry. The question is, is it right to be angry. 

One thing about RA, I will pay for any emotional upset. Excitement, sadness, anger. If I do not stop an emotion as shortly as possible....I will be much sicker. Crying is the most common fight I get. 

Most of the things we are angry about really do not matter.  Often it is a misunderstanding, or a bad day on someone's part, yours or theirs. 

I was so angry that night that my entire face was red and hot, I had cried in rage, hurrying my face in a blanket to try and stem the tears. And then, it suddenly flashed upon me that I was not angry in a holy sense. It was unholy anger. 
I tried for some moments to stem my rage, but had to ask God to take it from me. And I still had to fight to not feed the dying fire. 
I was mad at a person, as we all so often are. But while I may have been hurt, my reaction wasn't a holy anger. 
From all I have read in the Bible...holy anger comes only in protecting God.  Ensuring His honor is intact, such as Jesus at the Temple, chasing off the animal and money changers--who, by the way, were charging too much! That is holy anger...

Anger is a problem in everyone's life in some point or another. Maybe a higher level in one person's, less in another---or displaced into shyness or anxiety.  Whatever it is, we have to ask God for the help we need to fight these battles. We were not meant to have these battles in the perfect world....I don't think that we can physically, emotionally, or spiritually expect to manage them on our own in this broken one. Besides...it is so much easier to walk with someone when having to do hard work than alone. 

RA Post: So Out

I've been so out of it. I did find out that I am no longer Seronegative for my RA. Before there was no real sign in my blood work that I had RA, which is called Seronegative. Now, I do. The only "benefit" is that we can medically monitor my inflammation and see what medications are working. 
I am quite frustrated. I've been on two steroid packs...and know how hard it will be to breathe when they are gone. I am having a lot of trouble with costochondritis----inflammation in the ribs. There are joints all up the front, by the breastbone, and all down the back by the spine. So those all get tight and don't want to move. Like having a thirty pound child sitting on your ribs. 
My feet are so hot at night that I shift them around constantly trying to keep a cool spot on the bed. My hands are the same way. Just really uncomfortable and ill lately. The pain is still easiest for me. It's the nausea and just worst sick sickness I can describe. 

No Myrrh

I am in rolling around the couch-bed, holding my breath, pacing level of pain. 
And I can't help think of Christ. 
While I have done everything I can medically for my pain, He refused anything pain relieving that they offered Him.
It is mentioned that they offered Him wine mixed with myrrh in Luke 15.23. 
Historically, I've read, myrrh was given to those being crucified (presumably other deaths) to help numb the mind to the whole event. 
Apparently Christ needed to have His wits about Him, to experience every piecing, throbbing, aching, wretched pain. I do not know why. 
But it is something to think about...when I myself am in a bad pain spot. 

Names of God

God. This comes from one word and two of its compound or forms and will mean accordingly: (1) The Strong One used 225 times in the Old Testament; (2) The Strong One as an object of worship; (3) The Strong One who faithful and, therefore, to be trusted and obeyed. This last is a plural term and is used 2300 times in the Old Testament...It was by this name that God the Trinity was covenanted for the good of man before man was created. 
--The Bible Book by Book: A Manual for the Outline Study of the Bible by Books. Josiah Blake Tidwell

I love this; that one of God's names means the Strong One. 
There are so many fears in this world. Some truly are terrifying---facing cancer, terrorist groups, gang rapes. Some are lesser fears, spiders, looking for a job, etc.,etc. Each of us puts our fear into a different category. Terrifying for me would include dental work, as I hate being strangled. Terrifying for someone in China might be having their home church discovered. Or, in the Middle East, the man walking down the crowded street may have a bomb. Or in Chicago, USA, there might be a murderer standing right next to me. 
There are fears everywhere, some cripple us to our knees. Scientifically, we know that stress is hard on the heart, tiring it out as it races to beat no one in a race for life. I sometimes wonder if it is fear that kills us...fear being the sin that seems to be the hardest to escape. 
We don't have to be afraid. The Strong One paid the price for us, we belong to Him---every single molecule. When we are facing hard, scary things, all we have to do is call on Him. Ask for His great strength. Ask for His great peace. 

There were many times when I drove to college those first years that I drove in circles around different roads, trying to get the confidence to face those who terrified me at college. I prayed. I cranked up "Call on Jesus" by Nicole C. Mullins as loud as the radio would go. I would sing/shout those words until tears streamed down my face, soaking the top of my shirt. Fear was a powerful enemy, nearly strangling me. 
I remember the times that He helped me, sent a calming attitude over me. I could face people who had hurt me in the past and present. I could do it, by the power of God. 

Something is always frightening in life. The frightening things, though, are often controlled by the Prince of the Air (Satan's other name). We, however, can get strength, peace, wisdom, joy and love from the Strong One---the One who has won the battle and only needs to hang the award on the wall. Then we will all be in Paradise. .........But before that, just remember when you are frightened, and you are asking for help from God--not even sure you will get it---that this is God! This is indeed the Strong One, and He has won the battle and will give you such amazing peace, strength, wisdom, joy, wonder....that fear will vanish like mist.

Pretty Amazing

I spent the last two days in a delirious, fever/inflammation stupor--oh, so very sick. Nausea rose up and down as if I lay not on a couch-bed of cushions, but on a sea-tossed sailing ship. My five-inches of extra padding for my couch-bed, normally exceedingly comfortable, felt as if I was on a rock, jabbing ferociously into my aching bones. Nightmares abound in such times as these, from such sickness as flu.

I cried out to God in my more coherent moments, asking Him how this could bring Him glory. How I, alone and miserable on my bed, too sick to even think properly, could bring Him glory? Is not the point of our existence to bring Him glory and honor? Have a relationship with Him?
Certainly there must be more I should do---not so much in the idea of works, but that I should bring Him more glory by being able to do more than be sick.
And yet, the answer seemingly seems to be "no". For one, it is as yet physically impossible for me to do much---and the frustration of that is nearly beyond description.
 
 I could go an volunteer at every single volunteer position I could find until I spent 16 hours a day volunteering. And it would be an honorable thing; yet to which, God or people? It would not mean that I was faithful in my heart to God. I might think I was, and everyone else might think I was; it would not necessarily be true. 
The most glory we give God is by our faith in Him, our worship of Him---and hopefully our showing others His love and helping lead them to salvation.
Our societies push that each person have something he/she attends to that is of value...but that thing of value is not always a valuable thing to God, or rather the most valuable. The most valuable thing is the relationship we have with God--it is eternal, whereas the majority of things we complete on this earth are not.

Right before my RA erupted, I thought things were going so well. (always a bad sign to be thinking that). I was working at a job in which I hoped I was showing myself to be different, showing the love of God, I was beginning to try and focus what little energy I had left on Bible studies. By all standards of the "world" and even the "Christian world" I was at a "good place". Apparently I was not in the place I should have been.

It is either easier to have faith in God during a trial, or harder. Either one clings to God all the more desperately, crying out as Peter did when sinking, or we run, scattered as the disciples were on the night He was arrested. 
It is my encouragement that the reader remains clinging to God. That the reader who has been scattered as the disciples were runs back to Him. Even "stuck" in a position of being sick and half-asleep more often than I am well, more time has been spent on knowing God. I thought my "work" for God was to be as a full-time nurse, sharing as opportunities presented themselves; now my nursing is at a volunteer position that I still cannot always attend. 
Our main "work", regardless of what our jobs and lives demand, should be God. It is really difficult, even during a trial, to give up the control of wanting to do with our lives whatever we want: have a job we want, have children if we want, have a dream car/home. We want to fill our lives with meaningless "meaningful" things, the things the world says are important. 
For me, that is what makes RA so difficult. I can sympathize with Joni Eareckson Tada to a mild extent, because much of what the world says is important is now wrenched from our grasp. 

Again, it is either easier to love God during a trial, or harder. Easier because we are so scared, so hurt, so desperate that we cry out to Him more times during the day than we otherwise had in a month. Harder, perhaps, if we are angry, still determined to do it ourselves, or...we just cannot force ourselves to pray, to pick up that Bible, to pick up that devotional, to pick up whatever it is we see and feel like there is a force-field surrounding it. I know---I've had to push through that force-field. 

Right now I can't do much in the way of works. But I can do the most important part, the part that we all tend to shuffle off to the side as we actually do works: have faith in God, glorify God, honor God. Being determined to honor God and love Him in the midst of a trial is, I hope, a good testimony towards His love and worth. For it would be indeed foolish to face a lifetime of pain and nausea, or a lifetime of paralysis in a state of love and honor for something that was not there---standing up for Him in the depths of our trials, as Paul did in dungeons, shows something pretty amazing.

Communion With ?

Finding and admitting something hurts is part of letting God be in control. 
I haven't even noticed until the other day how desperately upset I was at being at my two year anniversary. It's really hard to be in one's twenties and be physically limited. 
And yet, when I start to look, I think I see outlines of possible futures with my disease. 
I think that is some of the perseverance we are supposed to get during trials. Perseverance in our faith in God, that He never leaves us----but also that good things will be found at the "end" of a trial.  For example, Joni Eareckson Tada is well-known for her strength in God, putting her faith into God while her body remains immobile. She is still technically suffering the trial of paralysis; she is not losing the battle of which god to worship, fear or God. 
Trials come in all shapes and sizes. A flat tire, a dentist appointment, a heart attack. Life here is sinful, everyone's life is poisoned by sin in some manner. Our job is to make the right choices when a trial hits. 
It may be two long, hard years of sickness. I may have many long years ahead. But I can choose to focus on God, to not let the devil get a foothold. Once I continue to choose God, I will notice how much calmer my spirit is. Of course it is! It is the closest it will be outside of Paradise---my soul isn't being weighed down by the poisons of the Prince of the air. 
Make an effort with me, force yourself to pick up the word, or read a book on the word. stop that foothold, break it off so that the evil one cannot get deeper into unsettling your spirit. We are meant to be in communion with God, not Satan.            

RA Post: I Don't Remember

I don't remember now. I wondered how long it would be before I forgot. I don't remember now.
Two years is apparently the timeframe. I remembered vividly driving when and where I wished. Doing what I wanted physically, for the most part. tiredness was usually what stopped me.  
I don't remember now.
It's more like remembering a dream. Or a book. Something that never really happened.
I've been keeping calendars. Blacking out days I'm sick in bed, half a black out for days I'm mostly too sick to do much. Keeping track of what I do do, how much exercise.
Pretty much I am sick two weeks and four to six days a month, from the best I can tell.  
I don't remember anymore. There's just a lot of pain, a lot of nausea, and a lot of sleep.

Rope of Distraction

Robert Hall used to say that, when the devil saw that a minister was likely to be useful in the church, his way of disposing of his was to get on his back and ride him to death with engagements. 
The Preacher and His Models, Lectures at Yale 1891, James Stalker

A definite point of concern for our own lives. What is riding us to the death today, in our own lives? What is it that we do--ever meaning to reach the time and place for study---but simply must complete beforehand? It may very well be a great social life; flitting here and there, cell phone buzzing at all hours. But do we apply this great social life to our faith? Is this social life bettering ourselves and others, or merely fun?
I say this only as an example---we should get to enjoy other people. The problem is when other things become first in our lives; that is, when we put things (and then ourselves) up as gods. 

As my health provides better days, my days are less involved automatically with in depth Bible study and research. It might very well be involved in sorting out the closet, laundry or reading some random book. There is nothing actually wrong with those things--in fact, most would consider cleaning a good thing. 

The problem is when we do these things as an excuse to NOT be researching deeper into God's Word. Maybe we "met" our quiet time quota of fifteen minutes morning and night. There we go! God got a whopping half an hour--not to mention the fact that my mind wandered the whole half an hour. He got it. I checked it out on the to-do-list.

Wait a minute. God, the creator of the world we stand on, the One who gave us the breath of life, gets a half-hearted half an hour?
You can see the issue here. Time, the tangible, countable span we live in is what we say is most valuable---if someone gives a lot of time into anything, it is viewed with more respect, with more importance. 
Our lives are being ridden to death by engagements, deadlines, "things-to-do" and other titles of importance. The longer we are ridden, the more miserable we feel, because the further we are getting from God. We are slowly being suffocated with the rope of distraction...and we don't even know it.

It is really hard to make oneself focus on God all the time. Especially if out of practice. We want to do the checklist routine. Did it, done, onto the next. No relationship that is completed in such a manner is meaningful, or will last. 
We must make a concentrated effort to meet with God. To go into the tent as Moses did to sit and talk with God. To listen with the rapture of those who sat at Christ's feet. To absorb every iota of what is said, to absorb all that God shows us. We can't do it cleaning the closet and not thinking about Him. And we can't do it when we read the Word and make lists of what we have to do tomorrow.
Only forcing our hand to pick up the Word, commanding our eyes to read it, and demanding our minds listen. Thinking on His life or topics about Him in spare moments of closet cleaning. Only then are we not being strangled with the rope of distraction. 

Family Hope

It is good to linger beside one who was so faithful to his charge, so hard a worker and so patient a sufferer. We may learn from these extraordinary labors and sufferings to do honest work and endure hardness ourselves.
The Preacher and His Models, 1891, James Stalker at Yale

Another example at being willing to share our battles, past and present. Of course, there is great danger in doing so---for there are those who will torment you for being so weak as to have a battle and seemingly be complaining about it. 
And yet share the battles anyway. So many people who have dealt with or are dealing with difficult things make it easier for me to deal with my RA. 

"But as for you, be strong and do not give up for your work will be rewarded." 2 Chro 15.7

Interesting that this verse has been one of "my" verses. This one I have said to myself since first grade Sunday School. 
Oftentimes, our work here does not seem worth the unknown wonders we will receive for obeying God. We cry, scream, sob, shiver and moan, all while trying to move forward. Mainly we try this alone, making it harder and more impossible...but sometimes even when we are focused on God it seems an impossible task.
Moses was standing before God, and saying that the task given him was impossible. He was refusing before the presence of God. He couldn't fight Pharaoh and get the Israelites---whether God was helping or not! No sir!
How often are we crying out no, no, no! to God whenever a trial is placed before us? I do not think God sends trials, as it is written He does not test us...but trials are allowed to us. Allowed so that we might be purified, we might show the world (seen and unseen) that we will always chose God. 
Sometimes we are standing beside the burning bush and saying no. We see the path we need to follow---maybe "all" it is is to read the Word, or to help out someone who is ill, or, horrors, sign up for some walkathon---and we won't. Like toddlers who just start to cry even though you are putting in the DVD they wanted, they are sure you are doing what they do not want. We think we want a different path than the one before us, and so go to any lengths to get onto our dream path. Our dream path is full of sticker-bushes, cacti, carrion; a miserable place. By golly, we are going that way. 
I can set myself up to be miserable about my RA, the life that was taken from me, or I can try and do what I can where I can---no matter how little it is. 
If God sees us when we pray alone and quiet in our rooms, the things we do alone, will He not also see the things we do when we can barely manage? Share your battle stories, share what God has done for you---give your "family" something to hope for. After all, don't you feel better meeting someone who survived with God through a tough trial?

Contemptuous Soul

It would only take one contemptuous soul to foul our thinking. 
The Preacher and His Models, James Stalker

As I literally forced myself to study today, literally sitting myself in a chair and opening my "textbooks", this quote was among the first I read. 
What strikes me from it, on a day that irritation, agitation, and frustration reigns supreme, is the one soul bit. 
Stalker writes as though, and from the context, another's soul fouls our thinking. While this is certainly true and able to happen....the worst contemptuous soul to foul our thinking is our own.
Too much pity, too much pride, too much too much too much. Whatever it is, there it is, growing stronger and fouling our thinking. 
How often are we told to think of God, of godly things, righteous  things----to dwell on these things? And, a horrid question to ponder, how often do we do so?
I am much more irritable about my illness, I have less hope. The two year mark of this fight just hit me hard as if RA shouted in my soul it had won. I'd never be free of it. So, my soul fouled itself, listening to a physical complaint. I have chosen, quite literally to worship my disease, kowtow to its words. I've forgotten, by my own soul's decision, that there is better in the world simply by knowing God. 
Even so, with my deafness toward God because I was mistaken by two years of this horrible disease, He is still right there. Prayer is always my weak spot----at least the actually of talking. I adore sitting in silence, or being amazed at His world. Yet even with "forgetting" Him as often as I have, letting anger at my disease run my soul, He is always there the instant I call. it's like He is standing just out of reach, sadly shaking His head that i am choosing to fight all alone. Choosing to struggle with impossible emotions. Then i speak, I see Him. I remember the wonders my soul has experienced away from my control, but from His, even in the worst moments of my RA.     
Yes. One contemptuous soul can foul our thinking. And often, that soul is our own.         

Glorifying in Infirmiries

"And so he [Paul] glorified in his infirmities, that the power of Christ might rest upon him."
the Preacher and His Models, lectures at Yale 1891---Dr James Stalker

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs then all." 2 Cor 4.17 

7 or because of these surpassingly great revelations.Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.----2 Cor 12

So many times I have asked for healing, to be healed right now. Not tomorrow, nor next week, nor whenever I enter heaven. Just to be who I was before. At least in the abilities section of life. I'd rather not lose the knowledge I've picked up. 
I still want to be healed. 
How often do we look at difficulties at think to ourselves how when we are weak, He is strong? I have to say i only think it in four instances: when writing a blog post, speaking about trusting God with people, studying the Bible and godly authors, and when I have cried out to Him during difficult days or moments and been answered so quickly and well. 
The thing is, we never want to give up. Just like the garden of Eden, we keep reaching out for the scintillating view of delicate, poisonous sin. We will just manage all alone, thank you very much. 
And how well do we manage, in the long run? 

Our problems in life are just the genetic curse of generation upon generation upon generation of sins. Somehow they are all related to sin. 
We may not get the answer we want "today" when we pray, but we do get an answer. Sometimes, thankfully it it no. I have read old written down prayers and thanked God He didn't answer it the way i had hoped. So thankful. 
He never ignores our cries. We are His children, and no good Father, as He is, would leave a crying child of His. Not now He paid the ultimate price of death. 
As we go about our day, we should try and focus that it is not our strength that we are running on, we are really running on God...the glory we get should all go-to Him. We are servants, and commendations for servants who work well usually go to the master of the house. 

On my worst days it is hard to impossible to imagine that I am .a source that makes His power perfect. Imagine that I am at all useful. 
The thing is, our determination to keep God as our God, King of kings in our individual lives gives Him such glory and honor. We may not be the prodigal son, but we are still something God values much. Our battles keep us from being distracted completely by the glitter of sin, forcing us to look for strength outside of ourselves. Some do so with more sin, digging a deeper hole. The only lasting option of strength is God.            

Carrying

Tonight, actually nearly morning, as i lay on five inches of foam padding in a couch which allows me to support my elbows properly to avoid increased pain...I think. I lay before an electric fan, blowing to cool my hot-with-inflammation hands and feet. I have those wonderful, amazing super soft silky blankets all about me. Three pillows. I have my water. I have my medications----however ineffective they may seem at times. My nausea and pain circles up and down. 
I have rheumatoid arthritis, and a more active than some case, a less active than others. 
And yet, as I lay here in my described position, I am blessed. God has seen fit to allow this difficulty, a blessing in some ways as you know, such as my chance to study deeper, but also has seen fit to show me my other blessings. I am able to not work, at least not more than my volunteer job and have food and medications, a home. A safe home. A chance to build up my strength after the worst year of my ra to date. A chance to see where I am in error as a sinner, something we avoid far too often and far to easily. 
This train of thought hits me after a conversation at work today...so I suppose in just had to make a point that we all need  reminding of. There are always blessings all about us, everywhere. It's harder to see them at some times versus others. When I feel my worst and hurt the worst I cannot see beyond the next breath I have to take. The next time I should take water to not get dehydrated whether I wantto drink or not. I cannot see my blessings then. 
However, we must take steps to see our blessings when we can---as often as we can. 
I know my Abba Father has not abandoned me. There are too many times He has answered my prayers for strength and peace during the worst moments of pain and nausea. Funny how I can forget, having some better days, to remember to cry out to Him when bad days hit again. Funny how we all.do that. 
Just remember the blessings you have. Ask for wisdom from God as to why a trial or difficulty has been placed in your path. The answer is sometimes more surprising that you might think. Or even more obvious than you thought. Mainly remember He is always so very willing to hold you close and carry the weight of the burden. More than anyone ever thinks He would; we neverthink that He died to be close to us sinners, the "lepers", we think He only died to save us. He did it all for a love we may never comprehend. You are so loved. So loved....and He is waiting to walk with you or carry you.