Sin Nature Screams

While finally beginning to possibly reach the goal of nursing again.....there is a tremendous and overwhelming wave of depression beating upon my soul. 
I am on a mission to contemplate that this evening,  wondering at the drives in me at this point and the change in them. Let me attempt to explain. 
We all have someone we would drop anything to do something for the;a parent, a spouse, a child, a niece or nephew, a best friend. If they called in the middle of the night needing the hospital, we would be there. no questions. 
So as I consider the wave of depression, caused somewhat by the terror and sincere thought that when Fall weather hits so goes my health, I have to consider another option. 
Different "drives" are sorting themselves, as happens with us as we are shaped with trials and burdens. The question we have to ask ourselves is this: am I dropping everything when an opportunity presents itself? 
I have the chance, now, to work again.......and yet filled with the age old enemy fear and depression.  I am hindering myself in what "I"want, but also something far more important.  
Am I being the best servant of those about me when I am living in abject fear of something that "might" happen? I am behaving as Peter did while walking on water. Do I look to my own concerns or to God's? 
I am a weak willed, fearful, depressed, angry person. there is nothing I can do without God. I am only fooling myself when I "do" something without God. For we do absolutely nothing without God. There are verses all through the Psalms speaking of His holding the world together. Check out Col 1.15 at the top of my blog. 
We should consider all the endeavors placed before us as a chance to be a servant, both of God, but also, of other people. How can I be anything to anyone wallowing in fear? How can you be anything to anyone because of your weakness ? Yet if I push through my fear with the strength of God, I am able to work for Him, but also show my weakness by stating my fears. If we share how we, with God's help, battled depression, prom, drugs, whatever sin it is, we help others see how God can help. Using our flaws to reach out to others is a great tool to honor God with...for no one can have the mindset of depression and honoring God at the same time. You will pick one or the other to honor. And in personal experience, honoring God is much more pleasant, even as our sin nature screams the opposite.                                     

A Song Entered My Heart

I lived in a form of fear, despair and depression this day. The idea of trying to work after having had medication hangover days was just too much. I wallowed in my despair, sinking lower and lower, trusting less and less my own capabilities....but apparently, worse, the strength God could lend me. Refusing, in selfish, miserable godhood to even attempt asking for help, God instead sent me a message. In the midst of my self-hatred, horrid self-godhood, my soul rang with these words:     

I will offer up my life in spirit and truth

Pouring out the oil of love, as my worship to you
In surrender I must give my every part
Lord, receive this sacrifice of a broken heart

Jesus, what can I give, what can I bring
To so faithful a Friend, to so loving a King?
Savior, what can be said, what can be sung
As a praise of Your name for the things You have done?
Oh, my words could not tell, not even in part
Of the debt of love that is owed by this thankful heart

This thankful heart
This thankful heart

(Matt Redman, copied from metro lyrics)

Now, how is that an incredible action of God in response to my meaningless godhood? I spent so much time and energy into making myself even more miserable, and He sends, suddenly, a random song. That I must surrender my every part, to have HIM, not me, working. I do nothing of value unless it is for Him, through HIM and to HIM. When we operate alone, whether we ourselves into despair or not, we are acting in our own godhood. We are, quite frankly, worshipping ourselves.  We did this, we did that. Oh, how marvelous we are. Gag. 

    

RA Post: day one

Felt dreadful, but made it through three hours of work at the crisis pregnancy center. It was indeed fine to feel like a nurse. Naturally I am still in the training part of the job. 
I am exhausted now, and have the sadness that I often feel after doing something "normal". I never really can describe that sensation. Perhaps like those who have been in coma, or else prison. Sometimes you are treated differently...but I cannot exactly find words to explain. Perhaps if I were not so overtired. My body nearly quivers!
If I can hold this job..I will go see about another volunteer position. with these two, it. can be enough hours for active license. otherwise I must make my license retired inactive. 
I don't even have the words to thank God for some small relief in symptoms. There just are no words. I can never adequately describe the horror, sickness and misery of these last years....and the terror that as weather changes the pain, sick, and misery will return. Yet to some benefit I pray.            

Breaks Heart

Being sick breaks my heart. I have always been, overall, healthy. The only thing that stood out was I have been tired for years. I never imagined would be near 30 and be where I am now. I sometimes feel gyped out of so many things.
When I took anatomy and physiology as a prerequisite for nursing, I was blown away by the fact that, technically, the body should not age or be sick. The design of the human body is incredible. We go from a flat disc of cells to what we are today. Our bodies will change bone structure based on use in order to better withstand use, our immune system should always be able to recognize foreign cells.. Yet, with the action of sin, we chose to be gods. And in choosing this, we chose to live a life of death. as our own god, we have no control over.....well, anything. Our control is a lie.    
I look forward to Paradise. Now is a time of great comfort from God as we withstand the trials of a broken world, waiting until such time as when the last prodigal is gathered. Yet a time of infinitely better comfort is to come. I adore the passage regarding every tear shall be wiped dry, for I have shed many many years in my life. 
Cry out to Him for the strength, the peace, the joy, the love you feel is missing from your life. I have found that the more desperate, true from the heart pleas are answered with such swiftness. Remember our every battle is watched by the spiritual relalm----such that in Ephesians it is said that the wisdom of God is revealed through man (4 I think). I know there is a verse somewhere which speaks of angels rejoicing when we make a godly choice. How terrible it must be when we go ahead with ungodly choices!
I write this to strengthen my resolve to call....for too often I sink into despair, depression, and misery at my health and current status. Far too often I think only of myself, not what I might do for others, even in my limited capacity. Sometimes, too, all we can do is something for ourselves, focusing on strengthening our relationship with God.                           

Walk in Their Shoes

Everything happens for good. I think especially if we set our minds to that idea, because when our minds are more focused on God's work, we see options for His work more easily. 
Each battle we face has the potential for helping our fellow believers. The question is....are we willing to "embaress" ourselves enough to share a battle? Some are less "harmful" to share. Perhaps one deals with mild impatience, or something else less offensive culturally. However, admitting unrealistic terror (as my past agoraphobia), or something else culturally unacceptable, is much more difficult...many people refuse to part with such stories.
Yet knowing how God has worked on each of our lives is to the great benefit of others. The Bible is filled with examples of how God worked in and changed people's lives. Those stories affect us to this day---and the stories published today show the active work of God. Think of the people who have learned on the experience of Joni Eareckson Tada? If she had kept her story, the knowledge God gave her in handling what we would say was among the worst of human experiences, many would unknowingly miss out. 
Among the most loving, helpful groups I ever was in was an Alcoholic Anonymous group I had to attend for a nursing school assignment.  These people, some 20 years sober, were always willing to admit their battles, their successes. Those stories made all the difference for  the members. you had the feeling these people would do anything for any of the others. We ought to be more like that today in our interaction with other believers.
              
The best and strongest help comes from the Lord. He alone is there at all moments. Yet He created us all to interact. it wasn't good for man to be alone in Paradise. I do not think, then, that in a broken world we are to be alone. Call on the Lord, seek out the times and words most ready to help others. Walk in other's shoes as much as possible, that with the strength of God in you, you might standout in honor of Him. We keep silent of what He has done for us far too often. Sometimes....because we believe either what we say will not help, embarrass us, or worse; we think we managed it in all our godhood.              

One Family

I was reading Ephesians today, I believe it was 4.11-20. The section spoke of our being, now, one with God. Paul says the barrier of hate was broken by Christ that the Israelites and Gentiles might be one family under Him. 
The passage continues by describing the actions and capabilities of honor and glory to God then capable.  And I then thought sadly of the great fighting amongst the people in the world. We should, perhaps, expect great fighting for those who are missing the seal of the King, but it is disappointing to witness the fighting of the sealed. 
Our every moments should honor and glorify God, yet as i look over even a day in my life, it is filled with dishonorable moments.
I mainly bring this up because it struck me how, like creation, much better we as people would act and behave together---a devastating unimaginable difference. 
Yet, "what then, shall we sin all the more?" No indeed. Christ gave us a look into the holy life we should lead, honoring and obeying Him. 
There are two things to note. One, Scripture points out Christ was forsaken on the cross, and we will never be left from His great love. Second....honoring Him does not mean a pain free life. Christ was hurt in numerous ways. Perhaps more, in that millions of people have and do scoff at Him,  refusing to respect His title as God of all. Quite a bit worse than the social snubs we receive. 
But no, let us not sin just because. We must check ourselves constantly when in contact with the Body. Christ is the head, and the rest of us, all of us, create this huge body controlled by Christ. If we settle down and pick fights amongst ourselves about that which is useless, how are we honoring God? And worse, we are killing the faith! Let us indeed reach out in love to our fellow believers, checking our words and godly judgement against the Spirit and Word. We must watch against the sins that wrench the arms off of the Body...any of those listed by Paul---immorality, drunkenness, gossip, etc.----for what poisons we allow. Even amongst our small own households, we must guard against things as this. We are to stand out, be different, attract people by the Love of God.                    

Welcome Australia!

Well readers, we hit Australia today! Russia is holding steady as my top reader. I cannot begin to express the delight of seeing the world map pop up with green as a country joins in. It is quite interesting. 
God has truly been good these last couple of weeks, overall pain is less, my illness is less. I even called my old job back, asking if, and when, there  would be some chance of my working. There was the disappointing news I expected...they would LOVE to have me....but for more hours than I can do as yet. Discouraging, but understandable. 
I will do the crisis pregnancy job, and then, as my body holds up...perhaps try for a volunteer pediatric job.            

The Let Down

The world lets us down. People disappear from our lives for no apparent reason, spouses divorce, children leave and never speak again. Health fails, economics falter, political figures cheat....the world lets us down. 
Most of the time we seem to follow the foolish notion that  we will have a perfect life and a perfect world here and now. Some people believe this of today so deeply they despise anyone who says otherwise----even while their employee steals merchandise.
The here and now is disgustingly tainted with sin. Botulism abounds in every country, city, household. We are staggered by sin, yet often refuse to accept it..
we so long for the Eden we had, the experience we had with God. Even in our stubborn botulism-infested godhood, we really do want His safety.  
We look for His safety in a variety of things and ideas, keeping busy to try and forget the terror and depression of life. And yet these things fail us in a teasing  manner.
Reaching toward God is the only true satisfying, delightful thing in life. He remains with us at all times, being the Father for the fatherless, friend for the friendless. He brings a lasting joy which is not found in any other person or thing   in the world. 
All we need do is let go of our miserable godhood, step under the Godhood of the One, and then, regardless of what happens, we are forever under His wings----Jesus spoke  of the verses of longing to gather Israel (His people) under His wing. How much love He must feel when we turn or return to His wingspread.         

Not Worth So Little

To be "normal" is the goal of the world. We must meet all these criteria in order to fit in---and if we do not meet all of them, we had better be on the road to doing so! College, work, home life, entertainment--all of these must be met, and hopefully exceed expectations. 
Being limited  in health makes all these wordly expectations sting. Worse, they sting because I have a remembrance of  actually doing many things that fit into the "normal" mold, something I had rarely succeeded in doing in my life. Lost, all of it lost. What I taste now and then is the new "normal" for me, it is hauntingly wonderful, and hauntingly terrible because of the memories of "living" I had but two years ago.
So, throughout life here on earth, as long as we are trapped into meeting this norm, we are never ever satisfied. Our job is never good enough, our college not perfect, our lives in some manner....wrong. This creates in us more and more agitation as we try and force ourselves into the mold "someone" said we needed to fit.
I will likely never have my "old" life back, with as much freedom and control as I once had. However, I can be free in another way. Looking back over what I have written is a life filled with stress and unhappiness. A large hole is always in our lives, and no matter what we toss into the hole, the hole stays the same size--or perhaps even getting larger and deeper every day.
We are meant to be in union with God. The world tells us all these things that we are coming up short in: we do not have enough money, friends, clothes, etc. The world hammers on these things as might a drug separate us from reality. We are not short on those things most likely. What we really are short on is God, God and His overwhelming love. 
The world yells at my front door, pounding, pounding, pounding with fists and screaming that I am useless, worthless, pointless. Shame should drip down the very walls of my house for how useless I am.
It is easy to be trapped into thinking that, regardless of the difficulty we are found in, but we are not useless. We are each here at a specific time and place for a specific reason: to know God. As we know Him more and more, the more we see that the world is simply trying to drown out the call of God. He stands with open arms for the prodigal to return, or for the newly adopted to rush into. We are not useless as the world chants at us all every day, we are worth much. God wished to be near us so much that He died a horrific death, a death for those who may at one point in their lives hated Him.
I am often very sick, and in much pain. I feel there is often little I can contribute to the world, especially on days when the world shouts at me the loudest for doing so "little". Yet, as in the story of Mary and Martha...waiting and listening at the feet of God is a very important thing indeed. If our hearts are broken and weeping with the day, with the hurt of the world's shouts, the hurt of illness, the hurt of anxiety or depression...reach out to the greatest of Fathers, cry in His arms, read His love letter to you. For none of us are worth so little as the world would have us believe.

RA Post: shattered heart

One of the worst things of chronic illness....you stop getting invited to stuff. Yes. I am sick a lot, and miss a lot. But you have no idea how much getting an invite to things means. It means i am still important in your life. It means I am still alive.       Not being invited to things I used to be rips my heart out.   

That Lasts

Chronic  illness brings on depression the deepest I have had in over ten years. It is not as deep as that time, but perhaps because I am usually just too sick to be depressed. There are times, honestly, when I am so ill I do not know the day, cannot fathom conversation from family unless short, to the point and yes/no answers. The depression stings so very deep. I am depressed by what I  am missing. My own family is growing up, my friends' children are growing,I will likely never have children of my own unless this illness eases somehow. I miss my nursing, I miss living the life I had. It doesn't even seem now, as I near two years of bed- or house-bound status that I ever lived as I did before. I see mementos of three years past, andi feel as though I am reading a book.
Oh, yes. A different, deep, stinging depression. 
And yet I live more than I did then. My studies in nursing school were intense. Books of onion-skin pages four inches thick, larger than any common Bible took up all of my time. Before that, the prerequisite classes. Before that my first career goal. before that, a time of Bible study. A large gap without studying Him at a regular point. Sure, my car rides to and from school were often worship song-filled....but deep study was not super common. There wasnt "time", though certainly one can always find time. 
I digress. I know I live more now than ever by my studies, the inflaming powerful interest and intense fascination about God that wipes anything and everything from my mind---including any and all signs of depression. Psalms 19 is indeed correct on the renewing of the soul and such. without God we are certain to face hell as closely as any of the Way will. If we go our god-let way, we welcome hell into our lives; what is hell but the absence of God? Go ahead, face anorexia alone, face fear alone, face poverty alone. We always think we can manage---as I thi k I can manage my illness and the terror, depression and worry alone. It is such as that which is a bad example to both our fellow believers and the lost. For if we ourselves do not lean on and trust Him, why would anyone else? Is not a story of a believer all the more uplifting and such that turns our walk back towards Him when they obviously show His glowing love in spite of the trials in their path? One of the best witnesses is to be the one who shines in the midst of darkest hours. For only through Him do we have strength, peace, love, joy and wonder that lasts.                                       

To Prove Redemption is Needed

After the war (WWI) the most energetic thinking will have to be done by Christians; we must think as we have never thought before, otherwise we will be outstripped by those who think on lines which ignore Jesus Christ and endeavor to prove that the Redemption is not necessary.
The Complete Works of Oswald Chambers, Discovery House Pub, 2000, pg 105

Consider, dear reader, for a moment your own life. Regardless of your standing in faith, consider it. Consider the sins committed, the sins actively being fought, the sins that might come to pass...whenever I for a time think of my sin-list, I shudder. Indeed, a redemption is needed. And yes, today is a time in which everyone shouts redemption is not needed, God is not needed.

Beyond the peace that comes from such a redemption---not because we are granted a forgiven state, but because we come into a state of being in which He can be near us. Remember childhood, and the guilt that happened when a parent asked of one what had happened to the lamp? Or the sight of a slinking dog who knows his guilt in digging a hole (I had a dog that was always slinking in from the hay field when I got home from college when she had dug hole. You'd have thought I beat her daily). Even if we were in His presence without that redemption., we would NOT be in His presence. We would not be able to stand it, due to the guilt of blackest sins.

Sins abound all about us, self-god-hood is praised inordinately. Yet are any of us happy as self-gods? Are we less depressed, less anxious, less angry, less tear-stained? I certainly am not! The times I am closer to my self-god state, the more depressed, anxious, angry, and tear-stained I become! We were never meant to be gods---had we been made to be gods, I would suspect we had more "powers" than we do.
The most valuable thing of the redemption of God, to me, is the peace available. The thought of that redemption being not available is unbelievable...but I do see it around me in non believers or those lost. I have lived a life of fear, and while the fear I had was not for my very life, it was a fear real enough to have me shrinking from people in terror of being spoken to or touched. With the knowledge of God, my parents and the "crutch" of medication, I was blessed to fight out of the hole I fell into. As I had learned earlier in my pre-teen years, peace is among the greatest of gifts.
With God we have the peace to know that He has covered our sins to allow us in His presence, that His love is all about us. The peace available to those who ask while going through difficult times. The peace available that the world attempts to obtain through drugs, sex---the false, short-acting "peace"---is the saddest of replicas of peace available.
The peace we have in the Lord is the deepest of peace, the truest of love poured out upon us. Let us never be dissuaded into belief that redemption is not needed.