Finding God. L. Crabb
We cannot and will not love anyone but ourselves until we meet God in a way that stirs us to race after Him with single-minded intensity, until our deepest desire is to get to know Him better
With RA there is less searching for love from others...illness clouds that search. If love is there from others, it is thanked for mightily, gladly accepted and returned as best as possible......but the illness holds back the active searching for love from others as might otherwise be searched out---that ache of being "unloved" is not as easily fibbed to us by evil ones who wish to belie the truth.
I ask God still for healing. For decreased symptoms. Yet I do not feel angered at Him when He continues to say "no". I do not understand the reason for any "no" from our Lord...but God is not a benevolent rich uncle, who showers gifts to his nieces and nephews and the peasants on the streets. He loves us, oh, so much deeper than ever we might understand.
His love is not a love clouded, but a pure and holy love. He can allow things in our lives, all while loving us more intensely than anyone else, because He is God. He can see what will happen, and things leading to His good and holy end, even when allowing hard and horrible things.
We may scream that that is unfair, but as His dialogue spins at the end of Job, who are we to ask questions? We, who chose at the beginning of this age to turn our backs on God, deserve much worse than we have been given.
Our Father did not leave us in the cold, we of prodigal blood. He allowed, by the whole-hearted admittance of our sins and acceptance of His blood, that we might come in out of the rain of sin, which has spattered our faces for generations.
While we stand here, still on this planet, we are besieged on all sides by sin. Sin has flowed like rivers, tainting everything, leaving marks on genetic code, seeping through generations. We may be forgiven, given the strength of our Lord to withstand this flood, but until Paradise, we will not escape it's evil taint.
God is not, again, a benevolent uncle. He does not need to give us our every wish---it would not benefit us at any rate. He does love us, and will wrap us in His arms, holding us dear. His Spirit is within us, warming us when things are hard, teaching us how to go, which is the best path. His Son has died and risen for us, so making Death die for us, and granting us full adoption into His family. We are most beloved, and we ought to make it our priority to know God for who He is...something that will never be finished. I look forward to eternity learning about God and His love.
Rheumatoid Awareness
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
These Dogs are Driving Me Insane, Little by Little
We have mini schnauzers...although only one is likely a true "schnauzer" by AKC standards. The others are this breed that some schnauzer breeders are trying to create: a "toy" schnauzer. They are breeding in and adding a little color to the standard salt and pepper, black...liver and white, merle and whites, platinums (gotta say best non-black one) etc.,etc. Zoe is the traditional black schnauzer, but the coat is wrong. Soft, little of the over coat schnauzers usually carry. Noah/Mister has what is called a "supercoat", and is strongly desired in these toys. Consider one of those uber soft, thick blankets. That is his coat. Gracie...oh Gracie. She is the hyper one. I figure poodle got into her, as she looks more like a schnoodle than anything.
Anyway. Schnauzers are in the top 5 "talkative" breeds. And we are in heat. So crank up the barking, whining, howling, snarling, dog-talking noise to about 20. Doesn't matter that normally they all listen, love is in the air. Mister has lost his brain entirely. I think it melted out of his ears one day. Zoe's brains (currently in season), are being scrambled by lobotomy or somethin'. Gracie is just going more insane than before due to the high hysteria.
These dogs are killing me. Slowly.
Anyway. Schnauzers are in the top 5 "talkative" breeds. And we are in heat. So crank up the barking, whining, howling, snarling, dog-talking noise to about 20. Doesn't matter that normally they all listen, love is in the air. Mister has lost his brain entirely. I think it melted out of his ears one day. Zoe's brains (currently in season), are being scrambled by lobotomy or somethin'. Gracie is just going more insane than before due to the high hysteria.
These dogs are killing me. Slowly.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Aliens in a Strange Place
Finding God. L. Crabb
Christians, however, are citizens of another world; in this one we are strangers, aliens, and pilgrims...we endure hardships to serve Him because we love Him and are confident f His promise to bless us.....Although we claim citizenship in Heaven, we live like locals.
I have often been an outcast in this world. Partially RA symptoms popping up in my tween years adding to the issues, and partly because of who I was, then, at that time.
Those years, while difficult, gave me a deeper understanding of what it means to not be a citizen of this world. It gave me a chance to learn to lean upon God, to handle harder and harder things up to this very day. I learned how the love of God really does fill one up to the point one could be on a desert island and be at peace.
To be 100% focused on God is the hardest part of this life here. There are more distractions, possibly, now in this time than ever before. We don't read the Bible after supper aloud after supper next to the fire while the women and girls knit or sew to keep the family warm, or while the boys work on their boots to keep them sturdy for another year. No, we spend many (most? all?) evenings watching TV, playing xBox/Wii, catching up on that Kindle book with the wild romance, preparing for college courses or other courses. "Relaxing" from work, we all call it.
A fib we are telling ourselves, telling God. You know that urgent stirring that says "read the Word; take knowledge of Me," and we brush it off until we "finish this chapter", at which point the dog throws up on the carpet.
We manage to come up with a long list of things, things too important right now. Things of this world. I admit guilt myself to watching a movie, or being in the middle of my favorite series of books, feeling that stirring. Really, you need to do it. Fight aside that longing for other things, pause the movie, bookmark the book, and devour the Word. At those times, I find, there may be such an outpouring of what I really needed to hear from a loving Father, that you totally forget what other book or movie that had your attention.
I have not done much studying the last month because of the flares; I am hoping today will be a more cooperative day. Writing these blog posts from notes I took many months earlier give a great lift to my spirit...taking notes from books is harder because of managing the book itself, pen and paper. My body is just not up to holding so many things, not to mention thinking.
We must remember to not live like locals. I heard so many things from non-believers about how hypocritical Christians are...and I usually ask for examples. We all do this, sadly, but we will be talking poorly about a fellow believer, or we will not be acting in a godly manner...we may have issues with porn addiction/sexual actions not becoming one of the faith, drug addiction...you know the list, and probably, like me, know areas that are flaring up that you know are not a-ok.
When we continue to act ungodly, unbecoming to one who has "given" one's life to the Creator, we become an embarrassment, to ourselves, to others, and to God. We must work on becoming aliens in a strange place---people who stand out by their faith and honoring of the Lord. We must become fully His, not half-His...not His on Sunday and maybe Monday but definitely not on Friday night. Think first if something is honoring to your Father, if it is loving as one of the brothers and sisters of the Savior. Let us become aliens....for our home is not of this place.
Christians, however, are citizens of another world; in this one we are strangers, aliens, and pilgrims...we endure hardships to serve Him because we love Him and are confident f His promise to bless us.....Although we claim citizenship in Heaven, we live like locals.
I have often been an outcast in this world. Partially RA symptoms popping up in my tween years adding to the issues, and partly because of who I was, then, at that time.
Those years, while difficult, gave me a deeper understanding of what it means to not be a citizen of this world. It gave me a chance to learn to lean upon God, to handle harder and harder things up to this very day. I learned how the love of God really does fill one up to the point one could be on a desert island and be at peace.
To be 100% focused on God is the hardest part of this life here. There are more distractions, possibly, now in this time than ever before. We don't read the Bible after supper aloud after supper next to the fire while the women and girls knit or sew to keep the family warm, or while the boys work on their boots to keep them sturdy for another year. No, we spend many (most? all?) evenings watching TV, playing xBox/Wii, catching up on that Kindle book with the wild romance, preparing for college courses or other courses. "Relaxing" from work, we all call it.
A fib we are telling ourselves, telling God. You know that urgent stirring that says "read the Word; take knowledge of Me," and we brush it off until we "finish this chapter", at which point the dog throws up on the carpet.
We manage to come up with a long list of things, things too important right now. Things of this world. I admit guilt myself to watching a movie, or being in the middle of my favorite series of books, feeling that stirring. Really, you need to do it. Fight aside that longing for other things, pause the movie, bookmark the book, and devour the Word. At those times, I find, there may be such an outpouring of what I really needed to hear from a loving Father, that you totally forget what other book or movie that had your attention.
I have not done much studying the last month because of the flares; I am hoping today will be a more cooperative day. Writing these blog posts from notes I took many months earlier give a great lift to my spirit...taking notes from books is harder because of managing the book itself, pen and paper. My body is just not up to holding so many things, not to mention thinking.
We must remember to not live like locals. I heard so many things from non-believers about how hypocritical Christians are...and I usually ask for examples. We all do this, sadly, but we will be talking poorly about a fellow believer, or we will not be acting in a godly manner...we may have issues with porn addiction/sexual actions not becoming one of the faith, drug addiction...you know the list, and probably, like me, know areas that are flaring up that you know are not a-ok.
When we continue to act ungodly, unbecoming to one who has "given" one's life to the Creator, we become an embarrassment, to ourselves, to others, and to God. We must work on becoming aliens in a strange place---people who stand out by their faith and honoring of the Lord. We must become fully His, not half-His...not His on Sunday and maybe Monday but definitely not on Friday night. Think first if something is honoring to your Father, if it is loving as one of the brothers and sisters of the Savior. Let us become aliens....for our home is not of this place.
Monday, September 28, 2015
RA Post: just complaining
I don't feel good. Every time I eat I know it was a bad idea. Tonight even popsicles are not sitting well. I get the sugar free ones...when I feel bad they help me keep hydrated, give me a few calories by the juice in them, and sometimes help me feel a little better. Popsicles are an RA girl's best friend. That and zofran.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to be sick. I watch the world spinning by, and I miss everything: weddings, babies, jobs, careers. I get the joy of taking cancer medications without an end date of treatment, or, as it appears to not happen in my family, remission. I am missing what should be the healthiest time in my life, and spending it instead in a fog of pain, nausea and fevers. I am missing so much, and yet so often do not realize or notice because of how bad I feel.
I find out more every day how this disease was tainting my life from childhood. I am so tired, so tired of being tired, tired of being sick.
I won't give up, no. This is just a glimpse into the torture of rheumatoid arthritis.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to be sick. I watch the world spinning by, and I miss everything: weddings, babies, jobs, careers. I get the joy of taking cancer medications without an end date of treatment, or, as it appears to not happen in my family, remission. I am missing what should be the healthiest time in my life, and spending it instead in a fog of pain, nausea and fevers. I am missing so much, and yet so often do not realize or notice because of how bad I feel.
I find out more every day how this disease was tainting my life from childhood. I am so tired, so tired of being tired, tired of being sick.
I won't give up, no. This is just a glimpse into the torture of rheumatoid arthritis.
Belief
In RA and other autoimmune diseases...there is nothing worse than having someone look at you with "liar!" written in their eyes. Having someone else believe that that you are not doing your utmost, that you are not really this ill, etc.
I was considering this late last night as my fever and chills rolled past, and thought of our telling God, really, that He is a liar.
Oh, we don't generally do it in so many words. More likely we are attempting to take the world on our puny little shoulders all by ourselves. Yeah. How'd that go, kid?
When we do those things, becoming yet again our own little god or goddess, we tell God that His saying He will be there for us is a lie. How much that must hurt Him. Here is Someone who knew us generations before we entered stage right of the world's stage, and Someone that was willing to take on agonies not seen since the beginning of this world, nor to be seen ever again. And we have the nerve to try and walk and talk our way through our existence here.
Generally I have found this thing, this grand idea of doing things on our own, does not last long. Amazingly enough, we shortly find that doing things on our own does not work and is also more miserable than letting God be God rather than ourselves.
I was considering this late last night as my fever and chills rolled past, and thought of our telling God, really, that He is a liar.
Oh, we don't generally do it in so many words. More likely we are attempting to take the world on our puny little shoulders all by ourselves. Yeah. How'd that go, kid?
When we do those things, becoming yet again our own little god or goddess, we tell God that His saying He will be there for us is a lie. How much that must hurt Him. Here is Someone who knew us generations before we entered stage right of the world's stage, and Someone that was willing to take on agonies not seen since the beginning of this world, nor to be seen ever again. And we have the nerve to try and walk and talk our way through our existence here.
Generally I have found this thing, this grand idea of doing things on our own, does not last long. Amazingly enough, we shortly find that doing things on our own does not work and is also more miserable than letting God be God rather than ourselves.
Saturday, September 26, 2015
RA Post: Just One More Peculiar Thing
Mulling over thoughts the last several days. Shocking, yes, that I was thinking yet again.
I was thinking how, over the last ten + years (and as they say on Laverne and Shirley: "Did you ever think you'd say anything was ten years ago?" ) how I was a tired social butterfly. I'd go to most any get-together, some I stayed half an hour at, some I'd be one of the last three to leave...signs, one, of RA and fibro flaring, as from one day to the next I had differing energy levels. Massively noticeable energy levels. Massively noticeable health swings.
I know I complained for several years about being tired. Even so far as to speak to doctors, have blood work done. I was tested for RF (rheumatoid factor--a marker for RA that can be a false positive and a false negative. That is why, technically, one is never fully diagnosed with RA. It is always a "working diagnosis", as there is not even an 80% positive test) with negative results. The same for sed rate (red blood cell settling) and ANA (forgetful RA brain does not recall what this is. Likely no one really cares ;) ). Nothing was "wrong" with me.
Now, as I spend most days quietly at home with visitors when I can handle such a thing, I think how odd it is that I am not going stir crazy. Being ill makes that happen---no one wants to visit when they feel horrible. Yet for so many years I managed to make it to some things.
I miss my dear family-friends....my friends who are so close that I call them sisters, or brothers. "sisters" children I consider nieces and nephews. I love them all---I know the sentaments are returned mightily, even while my presence is missing. The internet is a blessing for the chronically ill. It allows for more contact than might otherwise be available.
Support groups are available 24/7...my groups have members around the world: England, Australia, South Africa. Someone is there to talk, to listen to the endless complaints an RA sufferer might need to vent. Again, a blessing---and many will be praying for you right then and there, asking God to strengthen and be with the sufferer.
RA has been teaching me many things. A different outlook on the illnesses my patients faced, the fear of illness, and the strain of illness. I have had the blessing to study the Bible in more depth than I have ever had "time" for before; to absorb ideas of great pastors and authors, to counter ideas not sound with biblical teaching. to find myself in deeper commune with my Lord than ever before.
I do not want to be sick, and I hope that I will receive total remission...yet I am very grateful for the blessings available to me right here, right now.
I was thinking how, over the last ten + years (and as they say on Laverne and Shirley: "Did you ever think you'd say anything was ten years ago?" ) how I was a tired social butterfly. I'd go to most any get-together, some I stayed half an hour at, some I'd be one of the last three to leave...signs, one, of RA and fibro flaring, as from one day to the next I had differing energy levels. Massively noticeable energy levels. Massively noticeable health swings.
I know I complained for several years about being tired. Even so far as to speak to doctors, have blood work done. I was tested for RF (rheumatoid factor--a marker for RA that can be a false positive and a false negative. That is why, technically, one is never fully diagnosed with RA. It is always a "working diagnosis", as there is not even an 80% positive test) with negative results. The same for sed rate (red blood cell settling) and ANA (forgetful RA brain does not recall what this is. Likely no one really cares ;) ). Nothing was "wrong" with me.
Now, as I spend most days quietly at home with visitors when I can handle such a thing, I think how odd it is that I am not going stir crazy. Being ill makes that happen---no one wants to visit when they feel horrible. Yet for so many years I managed to make it to some things.
I miss my dear family-friends....my friends who are so close that I call them sisters, or brothers. "sisters" children I consider nieces and nephews. I love them all---I know the sentaments are returned mightily, even while my presence is missing. The internet is a blessing for the chronically ill. It allows for more contact than might otherwise be available.
Support groups are available 24/7...my groups have members around the world: England, Australia, South Africa. Someone is there to talk, to listen to the endless complaints an RA sufferer might need to vent. Again, a blessing---and many will be praying for you right then and there, asking God to strengthen and be with the sufferer.
RA has been teaching me many things. A different outlook on the illnesses my patients faced, the fear of illness, and the strain of illness. I have had the blessing to study the Bible in more depth than I have ever had "time" for before; to absorb ideas of great pastors and authors, to counter ideas not sound with biblical teaching. to find myself in deeper commune with my Lord than ever before.
I do not want to be sick, and I hope that I will receive total remission...yet I am very grateful for the blessings available to me right here, right now.
Friday, September 25, 2015
The Thin Scars of Healing
Finding God. L. Crabb
We are passionately determined to make our lives less painful, and we will do whatever it takes to reach this goal in a disappointing, sometimes pleasurable, and maddeningly uncertain world.
Oh, we see this every day. In the news, in our emails, our Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and whatever other social communications we use. Many people decry their own trials, seemingly living a perfect, painless life...while under the surface is a gaping hole filled with pain, rage, terror and practically any negative descriptive word imaginable. We fill these in a variety of ways: more social activities, endless parties, endless Bible studies, endless TV/Movie watching, endless drinking, drugs, sex and/or sexual perversions....anything that blocks the pain that we are endlessly alone.
When we only think on the fact that we are alone, that no one really gets us, no one understands the pain, our wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend/other family member is unkind, unsupporting, un-whatever, we will never escape that pain.
While I agree that it is possible to feel that pain and NOT be mad at God, sometimes that pain is because we are angry at God for allowing us this unnatural world---forgetting the fact that most of the time, without constant discipline in striving for a relationship with God, we prefer to be our own gods. Gods that ought to be "worshipped" by everything and everyone around us.
On the otherside, not feeling angry at God for the pain...comes bewilderment that He would allow this pain, and the unconscious notion of being a god that ought to have every whim met.
Yes, there are terrible things that do hurt---and they should! They are sometimes warning signs that people or situations are not safe to be around or in, respectively, or diseases that need treatments...but we made the choice to be there in many cases, or someone else made the choice for us to be there, or generations of sin made for the disease ravaging the body.
Yet those scars, red, angry and throbbing though they may be, can be healed with such an amazing salve. If we are willing to release our anger, willing to release our hurt, our saddness, our pity on self, our "god"-ness, and stop clutching those things to us like a beloved blanket, then, and only then, may we be healed of those things.
Until that time, we are pulling the scars open, digging a knife, a hot knife, back through the hurt. We rehash every incident, either through our minds or through verbal contacts. And, while this can be helpful to go through Christian counseling, it eventually needs to be forgiven so that we can stop the knife from peeling back the wound. Some wounds need cleaning in medicine numerous times...but eventually the only way healing can occur is to leave the wound alone with a dressing and undisturbed time to heal.
Our dressing is through the Word, the Spirit, and, oh, the loving arms of our Father...with forgiveness completed, truly completed, then we can freely enter His presence in prayer, worship and study, and feel healing setting in so much deeper than ever before. Holding onto those scars just deepens and widens them, making it difficult to fully concentrate on God...it is hard to concentrate on anything with a fresh wound throbbing. We may have to pray mightily for us to be willing to drop using a knife on those scars...we can begin to get an evil pleasure in pulling up the past, mentally or in conversation.
So let us forgive and forget (although do keep safe---hurts are sometimes warnings.), and move on to a deeper, healing relationship with the King. With time, the knife is taken from our hands, and we quietly heal until the scar is no longer angry, but a soft, thin line. With healing, we can help share God's love, for before we seem ever so hypocritical being in such anger or pity that we cannot show His love to it's fullest extent. Forgive my friends, as soon as possible.
We are passionately determined to make our lives less painful, and we will do whatever it takes to reach this goal in a disappointing, sometimes pleasurable, and maddeningly uncertain world.
Oh, we see this every day. In the news, in our emails, our Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and whatever other social communications we use. Many people decry their own trials, seemingly living a perfect, painless life...while under the surface is a gaping hole filled with pain, rage, terror and practically any negative descriptive word imaginable. We fill these in a variety of ways: more social activities, endless parties, endless Bible studies, endless TV/Movie watching, endless drinking, drugs, sex and/or sexual perversions....anything that blocks the pain that we are endlessly alone.
When we only think on the fact that we are alone, that no one really gets us, no one understands the pain, our wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend/other family member is unkind, unsupporting, un-whatever, we will never escape that pain.
While I agree that it is possible to feel that pain and NOT be mad at God, sometimes that pain is because we are angry at God for allowing us this unnatural world---forgetting the fact that most of the time, without constant discipline in striving for a relationship with God, we prefer to be our own gods. Gods that ought to be "worshipped" by everything and everyone around us.
On the otherside, not feeling angry at God for the pain...comes bewilderment that He would allow this pain, and the unconscious notion of being a god that ought to have every whim met.
Yes, there are terrible things that do hurt---and they should! They are sometimes warning signs that people or situations are not safe to be around or in, respectively, or diseases that need treatments...but we made the choice to be there in many cases, or someone else made the choice for us to be there, or generations of sin made for the disease ravaging the body.
Yet those scars, red, angry and throbbing though they may be, can be healed with such an amazing salve. If we are willing to release our anger, willing to release our hurt, our saddness, our pity on self, our "god"-ness, and stop clutching those things to us like a beloved blanket, then, and only then, may we be healed of those things.
Until that time, we are pulling the scars open, digging a knife, a hot knife, back through the hurt. We rehash every incident, either through our minds or through verbal contacts. And, while this can be helpful to go through Christian counseling, it eventually needs to be forgiven so that we can stop the knife from peeling back the wound. Some wounds need cleaning in medicine numerous times...but eventually the only way healing can occur is to leave the wound alone with a dressing and undisturbed time to heal.
Our dressing is through the Word, the Spirit, and, oh, the loving arms of our Father...with forgiveness completed, truly completed, then we can freely enter His presence in prayer, worship and study, and feel healing setting in so much deeper than ever before. Holding onto those scars just deepens and widens them, making it difficult to fully concentrate on God...it is hard to concentrate on anything with a fresh wound throbbing. We may have to pray mightily for us to be willing to drop using a knife on those scars...we can begin to get an evil pleasure in pulling up the past, mentally or in conversation.
So let us forgive and forget (although do keep safe---hurts are sometimes warnings.), and move on to a deeper, healing relationship with the King. With time, the knife is taken from our hands, and we quietly heal until the scar is no longer angry, but a soft, thin line. With healing, we can help share God's love, for before we seem ever so hypocritical being in such anger or pity that we cannot show His love to it's fullest extent. Forgive my friends, as soon as possible.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
RA Post: Hair Trigger Flares
I seem to be sitting in the middle of a hair-trigger flaring system. About every day or every or so...I have flare symptoms. It either knocks me out completely and I am wraith-lady, lying on a couch with my "fever" (99-98*F---my resting normal is about 97.4*), and then sometimes it clears up after sleeping for an extra six hours. Do not recall having this one before...apparently stressing myself still too much after the last flare. Not really sure in what way because I have been a "good" girl the last two days and sitting more, laying down when I feel my temp rising.
Anyway, obviously not being "good" enough. I will blame Pinterest for making me sit upright apparently too much.
Anyway, obviously not being "good" enough. I will blame Pinterest for making me sit upright apparently too much.
Trying to Sleep
I'm working on sleeping, so that is the time to think deeply, and become too engrossed in the thoughts to sleep. May as well write them out, because that usually stems my thought train as effectively as a horticulturalist trimming plants.
My thoughts tonight wandered into the region of our fortune in having the ability to choose Christ, become clean and pure enough to enter Paradise...while demons, a fallen being, cannot.
I have decided, until I find something else, that it is because of the fact they refused to be in Paradise, after living there an unknown time frame. I probably have had discourses on this before....but it is more on the fact we can be made clean.
We are, foremost, made in God's image, something angels apparently are not. It's likely not something we are supposed to understand--the differences between us and them--- but it has begun to intrigue me slightly. How is it we have some sort of protection from them ( at times or always, I am not sure--having not looked into Scriptures enough on this topic) and yet at the end of this age, we rule over them (?), from all I have heard and read.
The difference must lie in the fact of our ability, by our gracious Lord, to hold within our existence the very Spirit of our God. Perhaps there is the key.
We are so blessed. In the hard times, we are not alone. I remember a friend telling of a young man, thrown by seizures in Africa...sadly I have misplaced the country in my tired mind. This young man was allowed to seize into a fire, because there it is still believed (and I wonder how much they are right) that demons or spirits were in this man, and would pass to them if they touched him during a seizure. The man suffered bad enough burns that the only choice was bilateral amputation of his legs....effectively creating a curse of being a beggar the rest of his life. A life of completely depending upon others, hoping to not be turned away. However, if I recall the story right, this young man was still singing praises to his Jesus, his Savior. He was glad that there was a hospital; he had not died. He, facing among the worst that can befall anyone in a third-worls nation, beggarhood, was praising Jesus.
We cry here, in moderately safe places, because of our illnesses, our being hurt emotionally, our lack of fortune. Oh, and yes, those things hurt, are so hard, I do not deny...yet are we singing praises? Are we singing with joy because we happen to have a doctor, regardless of how kind? That often there is someone who is kind, friendly? Someone who will let us camp on their couch or backyard when times are rough? Not always.
Oh my. My stemming of thoughts is not working well.
So let us remember...with fullness of heart,soul and mind, that we are blessed. We have the Spirit of the King to comfort us when we face the terrible of the world. Oh, my friends...as I face a lifetime of pain, sickness and possible deformity--- I feel so brave at this moment. Terror is gone, my soul is watered and fresh. We will stand strongly, no matter our hurts, when the Creator is at our side...He may carry us at times, when no longer can we walk, but He is ever there. Let us be brave and at peace in our Lord and Savior.
My thoughts tonight wandered into the region of our fortune in having the ability to choose Christ, become clean and pure enough to enter Paradise...while demons, a fallen being, cannot.
I have decided, until I find something else, that it is because of the fact they refused to be in Paradise, after living there an unknown time frame. I probably have had discourses on this before....but it is more on the fact we can be made clean.
We are, foremost, made in God's image, something angels apparently are not. It's likely not something we are supposed to understand--the differences between us and them--- but it has begun to intrigue me slightly. How is it we have some sort of protection from them ( at times or always, I am not sure--having not looked into Scriptures enough on this topic) and yet at the end of this age, we rule over them (?), from all I have heard and read.
The difference must lie in the fact of our ability, by our gracious Lord, to hold within our existence the very Spirit of our God. Perhaps there is the key.
We are so blessed. In the hard times, we are not alone. I remember a friend telling of a young man, thrown by seizures in Africa...sadly I have misplaced the country in my tired mind. This young man was allowed to seize into a fire, because there it is still believed (and I wonder how much they are right) that demons or spirits were in this man, and would pass to them if they touched him during a seizure. The man suffered bad enough burns that the only choice was bilateral amputation of his legs....effectively creating a curse of being a beggar the rest of his life. A life of completely depending upon others, hoping to not be turned away. However, if I recall the story right, this young man was still singing praises to his Jesus, his Savior. He was glad that there was a hospital; he had not died. He, facing among the worst that can befall anyone in a third-worls nation, beggarhood, was praising Jesus.
We cry here, in moderately safe places, because of our illnesses, our being hurt emotionally, our lack of fortune. Oh, and yes, those things hurt, are so hard, I do not deny...yet are we singing praises? Are we singing with joy because we happen to have a doctor, regardless of how kind? That often there is someone who is kind, friendly? Someone who will let us camp on their couch or backyard when times are rough? Not always.
Oh my. My stemming of thoughts is not working well.
So let us remember...with fullness of heart,soul and mind, that we are blessed. We have the Spirit of the King to comfort us when we face the terrible of the world. Oh, my friends...as I face a lifetime of pain, sickness and possible deformity--- I feel so brave at this moment. Terror is gone, my soul is watered and fresh. We will stand strongly, no matter our hurts, when the Creator is at our side...He may carry us at times, when no longer can we walk, but He is ever there. Let us be brave and at peace in our Lord and Savior.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Looking Back
I considered this morning, with more exhaustion and pain than yesterday, how incredibly hard and horrible, more than for anyone else, it must have been for Adam and Eve. To have be shut out of Paradise, into a world of pain, misery, hate, murder (between their own children!), sickness....a world without the constant presence of God.
One thing I think of, and am extraordinarily grateful for, is the blessing of God's Spirit. We get the chance to face a difficult, sinful world---the one we chose for ourselves generations ago---while being hand-in-hand with His Spirit. Undoubtedly, while life is still hard, and terrible things fly out at us at strange times, we still likely have an easier time than those who do not have the Spirit.
I have met a wide array of people, certainly less than some, naturally, but these is always this emptiness, hollowness, hurt that cannot be touched about people...especially those that I find are not of the faith. There is nothing that will fix that hole---no therapy sessions, art sessions, any career or medicine. That hole, that huge hurt I see in people, it a sign of missing the Spirit of God.
We were not meant to be here. We were not meant to be sick, hurt, sad, afraid...so many horrible things that happen.
Often we pick it, too. We pick these horrible choices, which would not have even been there had we not thought that we could be our own gods.
I read how (and now I do not remember which book) we enter the world in terror. Perhaps that is an idea of what it means to be "born into sin". We leave a warm, safe place where every need is met. Then, by a set of horrible circumstances, we are squashed half to death. Either that or some alien cuts into our home and pulls us out of is with their long, gloved arms. Here we are now: in a loud, cold, bright, terrifying place. And the world remains that way the rest of our lives, in varying degrees.
The only thing that can replace that terror, that is stronger than our terror, the demons that fuel that terror, is the One who created us. He alone can fully send away those thoughts and feelings. He alone fills that gaping hole until we reach Paradise. Then, at that wonderful, glorious time, we will be freed of our bodies that are riddled with generations upon generations of pain, sin, faults running through the genetic code (in my opinion, especially considering epigenetics). He will restore all things, all things that chose sin, and kept choosing sin throughout time, will be put away, leaving us to be cleaned by His great deed on the Cross.
At that point, I really cannot imagine what life may be like. Perfection. Full unity with each other. And more importantly, the King, my Father and yours, with us, walking with us...leaving behind the evil and sin of the generations.
One thing I think of, and am extraordinarily grateful for, is the blessing of God's Spirit. We get the chance to face a difficult, sinful world---the one we chose for ourselves generations ago---while being hand-in-hand with His Spirit. Undoubtedly, while life is still hard, and terrible things fly out at us at strange times, we still likely have an easier time than those who do not have the Spirit.
I have met a wide array of people, certainly less than some, naturally, but these is always this emptiness, hollowness, hurt that cannot be touched about people...especially those that I find are not of the faith. There is nothing that will fix that hole---no therapy sessions, art sessions, any career or medicine. That hole, that huge hurt I see in people, it a sign of missing the Spirit of God.
We were not meant to be here. We were not meant to be sick, hurt, sad, afraid...so many horrible things that happen.
Often we pick it, too. We pick these horrible choices, which would not have even been there had we not thought that we could be our own gods.
I read how (and now I do not remember which book) we enter the world in terror. Perhaps that is an idea of what it means to be "born into sin". We leave a warm, safe place where every need is met. Then, by a set of horrible circumstances, we are squashed half to death. Either that or some alien cuts into our home and pulls us out of is with their long, gloved arms. Here we are now: in a loud, cold, bright, terrifying place. And the world remains that way the rest of our lives, in varying degrees.
The only thing that can replace that terror, that is stronger than our terror, the demons that fuel that terror, is the One who created us. He alone can fully send away those thoughts and feelings. He alone fills that gaping hole until we reach Paradise. Then, at that wonderful, glorious time, we will be freed of our bodies that are riddled with generations upon generations of pain, sin, faults running through the genetic code (in my opinion, especially considering epigenetics). He will restore all things, all things that chose sin, and kept choosing sin throughout time, will be put away, leaving us to be cleaned by His great deed on the Cross.
At that point, I really cannot imagine what life may be like. Perfection. Full unity with each other. And more importantly, the King, my Father and yours, with us, walking with us...leaving behind the evil and sin of the generations.
Monday, September 21, 2015
In Confidence
Finding God. L. Crabb
God's peace belongs to those who have confidence in His goodness even when life is tough and their self-esteem is low.
Check out Ps 25.4-6; Ps 25.14; Ps 25.14. You can use the link at the left of screen to use the Blue Letter Bible or the BibleGateway websites for quick results.
While I now look back at my life and see how RA has been active in lesser amounts for the past 15+ years....my chronic nausea, heat intolerance, lack of interest in playing hard games that involved running....and the weirdest one I have recently recalled: the fact that there were days I could run so fast, and then a week later ran like a "wounded cow". I always gave up running within ten feet; there was no reason, I was running slower than a walk. I figure now that my knees were too swollen to give action. So. Looking back, RA led to a lot of problems that made other things in my life worse. However, there is still a "blessing" with diseases.
Over the summer, I have been blessed by God to have been more active and mobile. I even started working on getting places, but I still have to learn how to do it on not-so-good days. It was such a joy to water plants for my parents' in the greenhouses. Have things burst into bloom, smell the heliotrope, the nasturtiums, expand the collection of succulents and cacti. I got the joy of managing to go to town and stop and two stores with my mother---although by the end of the last store I was limping so bad that people 40 years older were letting the "child" pass. I was half laughing that I walked so slow, and hobbling around as bad as any ill-placed hip replacement.
Anyway, that is not especially the point of this post. Apparently it has become the point. I digress. The last week and a half or so has been a full-on, bed-bound, didn't-eat-for-a-week flare. It is the worst one can feel, short of what I have seen some cancer patients. There is this stupor one falls into because of how sick one feels---so similar to bad flues. I usually have 2 degrees higher than my normal temp thrown in.
There is this terror that also hits. Usually when you are feeling some better and can think. A terror of living the rest of your life this sick. Having support systems fall away. It is such a terror as can't be matched by most things I have faced to now.
Last night was a tearful one for me. I have been missing a lot of important to me things that I wanted to attend, and I have been so sick....then the terror I mentioned above hit me like a rock. I try not to cry with RA because it makes flares worse or causes a re-flare.
I was having so much trouble just trying to go to sleep, knowing more rest would help. It dawned on me, as I have not done as much study--being outside a lot of the summer (thank you Lord!!), that I should pray.
It is so amazing how, when we crawl in on our last breath, God so swiftly answers. Peace is something He is so willing to give. I always think, when we are so filled with fear, whispers of horrible things, horrible thoughts, that there is a demonic presence or presences. Fear does not come from our heavenly Father...what good parent wants to terrify a child? Jumping out and saying "Boo!" is one thing, but having one's child in terror is another.
Our dear Lord, Counselor, Savior does not want that from us. He is ever-willing to send off evil ones, and, I imagine like any Father, smooth the hair from the forehead of a scared child, and offer a holy kiss.
He has allowed my illness, and I do not know why. There are many blessings in a disease---this one having the chance to relax after working hard, going to school...I get the blessing of having time to study His Word, something there was never enough time for.
He may allow a hard thing to happen, but that does not mean He leaves alone to handle it. If we want to stick to His side, making Holy choices regarding what we do, and remaining humble, He will always be there. He can give us His strength to face the impossible, to face what otherwise would drive us nearly insane with terror, grief, anger. He gives us the ability to stop things that we should not do, to learn how to do what we should. He holds us dearly in His arms, letting us rest from our weary struggles. And one day, one glorious day, we shall hear Him say: "Well done, My good and faithful servant", and every tear shall be dried, every painful memory forgotten.
There is a verse that speaks of God's recording of tears--naturally I cannot think of where. He knows every tear. And He will wipe them from our faces and hearts....I suspect He does some now, since when we ask for peace and help, most tears dry up pretty quickly after that prayer.
Peace from our Lord and Savior be with you.
God's peace belongs to those who have confidence in His goodness even when life is tough and their self-esteem is low.
Check out Ps 25.4-6; Ps 25.14; Ps 25.14. You can use the link at the left of screen to use the Blue Letter Bible or the BibleGateway websites for quick results.
While I now look back at my life and see how RA has been active in lesser amounts for the past 15+ years....my chronic nausea, heat intolerance, lack of interest in playing hard games that involved running....and the weirdest one I have recently recalled: the fact that there were days I could run so fast, and then a week later ran like a "wounded cow". I always gave up running within ten feet; there was no reason, I was running slower than a walk. I figure now that my knees were too swollen to give action. So. Looking back, RA led to a lot of problems that made other things in my life worse. However, there is still a "blessing" with diseases.
Over the summer, I have been blessed by God to have been more active and mobile. I even started working on getting places, but I still have to learn how to do it on not-so-good days. It was such a joy to water plants for my parents' in the greenhouses. Have things burst into bloom, smell the heliotrope, the nasturtiums, expand the collection of succulents and cacti. I got the joy of managing to go to town and stop and two stores with my mother---although by the end of the last store I was limping so bad that people 40 years older were letting the "child" pass. I was half laughing that I walked so slow, and hobbling around as bad as any ill-placed hip replacement.
Anyway, that is not especially the point of this post. Apparently it has become the point. I digress. The last week and a half or so has been a full-on, bed-bound, didn't-eat-for-a-week flare. It is the worst one can feel, short of what I have seen some cancer patients. There is this stupor one falls into because of how sick one feels---so similar to bad flues. I usually have 2 degrees higher than my normal temp thrown in.
There is this terror that also hits. Usually when you are feeling some better and can think. A terror of living the rest of your life this sick. Having support systems fall away. It is such a terror as can't be matched by most things I have faced to now.
Last night was a tearful one for me. I have been missing a lot of important to me things that I wanted to attend, and I have been so sick....then the terror I mentioned above hit me like a rock. I try not to cry with RA because it makes flares worse or causes a re-flare.
I was having so much trouble just trying to go to sleep, knowing more rest would help. It dawned on me, as I have not done as much study--being outside a lot of the summer (thank you Lord!!), that I should pray.
It is so amazing how, when we crawl in on our last breath, God so swiftly answers. Peace is something He is so willing to give. I always think, when we are so filled with fear, whispers of horrible things, horrible thoughts, that there is a demonic presence or presences. Fear does not come from our heavenly Father...what good parent wants to terrify a child? Jumping out and saying "Boo!" is one thing, but having one's child in terror is another.
Our dear Lord, Counselor, Savior does not want that from us. He is ever-willing to send off evil ones, and, I imagine like any Father, smooth the hair from the forehead of a scared child, and offer a holy kiss.
He has allowed my illness, and I do not know why. There are many blessings in a disease---this one having the chance to relax after working hard, going to school...I get the blessing of having time to study His Word, something there was never enough time for.
He may allow a hard thing to happen, but that does not mean He leaves alone to handle it. If we want to stick to His side, making Holy choices regarding what we do, and remaining humble, He will always be there. He can give us His strength to face the impossible, to face what otherwise would drive us nearly insane with terror, grief, anger. He gives us the ability to stop things that we should not do, to learn how to do what we should. He holds us dearly in His arms, letting us rest from our weary struggles. And one day, one glorious day, we shall hear Him say: "Well done, My good and faithful servant", and every tear shall be dried, every painful memory forgotten.
There is a verse that speaks of God's recording of tears--naturally I cannot think of where. He knows every tear. And He will wipe them from our faces and hearts....I suspect He does some now, since when we ask for peace and help, most tears dry up pretty quickly after that prayer.
Peace from our Lord and Savior be with you.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Walking Alone
Finding God. L. Crabb
Not only must I consciously commit myself to purity of purpose, I must renew my commitment regularly, especially when the pain in my heart screams for relief.
Anyone who comes to God must come as Enoch came, consciously surrendering his life to eternal purposes, fully aware that God does not always guarantee the immediate comfort of His children.
We are so often one of those people in a relationship that asks and takes a lot from others, but does not give back. We treat our Savior like that at many points in our lives. We crawl back to Him in the worst of times, run back when terrified...yet often we turn and do not pay Him attention until hard times hit again.
I think this is more prevalent in the "younger" Christian. Not in physical age, but spiritual. At that point, it is too easy to be swayed by the daily world and lost to it.
With time and trials, we become more dependent on God for daily life. We have found that walking on one side of a canyon, God on the other, is not pleasant.
Sometimes during times of trouble it is nearly impossible to stick with the faith. We are bombarded, especially during those times, by evil forces. They whisper at us that God won't help us. Look, He didn't answer your prayer. Your mother still died. Your husband still left you. You didn't make the varsity team. You still are dying of cancer. You still lost a job. Look, He did not answer you.
Oh, away evil. We must block those thoughts, cry out to God as if we are hanging on a cliff and our fingers are slipping. Those hard, horrible times cannot be handled alone.
Look how destroyed the world is because of those things and without God. Suicides, drinking, drugs...massive clinical depression. While those things can hit us as well, we have the added ability to ask for strength from the Creator. That strength, when strongly depended on, makes these hard things easier.
When I was at my sickest with the RA, those first few months of being diagnosed, I cried out for strength to take on the pain, the nausea, the fevers. It helped so much. I could not do anything at that time---the TV ran as comfort and company, but I could not watch it most of the time.
When we cry out, God hears us. He heard the Israelites and their struggle in Egypt...time was needed for it t be the right timing to be rescued. I cannot say why; I do not know why. I don't know why God says no, not right now, for being "rescued" from trials. I do know He does not leave us alone in them. He is more than willing to hold us as we walk ever forward toward Paradise. He will answer. Just not always in our time. There can be a great example in all of us, to show glory to God as Lazarus did by dying. Our struggles, faced full on in the Armor of God, can be great examples to others. With that Armor in place, struggles become easier, because there is not the added weight of evil, poisonous thoughts pouring from us. We simply have God, who is good beyond all measure, backing us, leading us, living in us, to stand and face the brokenness of the world.
So cry out to God; cry out in the daytime, in the watches of the night. He will hear you, He will be near you. It may not feel like it, but how would the perfect Father not answer the cry of a beloved child. Repent of sins if they surface to your knowledge, ask for help in your walk, the unfaithfulness as the father of the sick, dying child asked for. He hears; He will not abandon you. Walk the good walk with God...and avoid being on the other side of a canyon, fighting a battle alone.
Not only must I consciously commit myself to purity of purpose, I must renew my commitment regularly, especially when the pain in my heart screams for relief.
Anyone who comes to God must come as Enoch came, consciously surrendering his life to eternal purposes, fully aware that God does not always guarantee the immediate comfort of His children.
We are so often one of those people in a relationship that asks and takes a lot from others, but does not give back. We treat our Savior like that at many points in our lives. We crawl back to Him in the worst of times, run back when terrified...yet often we turn and do not pay Him attention until hard times hit again.
I think this is more prevalent in the "younger" Christian. Not in physical age, but spiritual. At that point, it is too easy to be swayed by the daily world and lost to it.
With time and trials, we become more dependent on God for daily life. We have found that walking on one side of a canyon, God on the other, is not pleasant.
Sometimes during times of trouble it is nearly impossible to stick with the faith. We are bombarded, especially during those times, by evil forces. They whisper at us that God won't help us. Look, He didn't answer your prayer. Your mother still died. Your husband still left you. You didn't make the varsity team. You still are dying of cancer. You still lost a job. Look, He did not answer you.
Oh, away evil. We must block those thoughts, cry out to God as if we are hanging on a cliff and our fingers are slipping. Those hard, horrible times cannot be handled alone.
Look how destroyed the world is because of those things and without God. Suicides, drinking, drugs...massive clinical depression. While those things can hit us as well, we have the added ability to ask for strength from the Creator. That strength, when strongly depended on, makes these hard things easier.
When I was at my sickest with the RA, those first few months of being diagnosed, I cried out for strength to take on the pain, the nausea, the fevers. It helped so much. I could not do anything at that time---the TV ran as comfort and company, but I could not watch it most of the time.
When we cry out, God hears us. He heard the Israelites and their struggle in Egypt...time was needed for it t be the right timing to be rescued. I cannot say why; I do not know why. I don't know why God says no, not right now, for being "rescued" from trials. I do know He does not leave us alone in them. He is more than willing to hold us as we walk ever forward toward Paradise. He will answer. Just not always in our time. There can be a great example in all of us, to show glory to God as Lazarus did by dying. Our struggles, faced full on in the Armor of God, can be great examples to others. With that Armor in place, struggles become easier, because there is not the added weight of evil, poisonous thoughts pouring from us. We simply have God, who is good beyond all measure, backing us, leading us, living in us, to stand and face the brokenness of the world.
So cry out to God; cry out in the daytime, in the watches of the night. He will hear you, He will be near you. It may not feel like it, but how would the perfect Father not answer the cry of a beloved child. Repent of sins if they surface to your knowledge, ask for help in your walk, the unfaithfulness as the father of the sick, dying child asked for. He hears; He will not abandon you. Walk the good walk with God...and avoid being on the other side of a canyon, fighting a battle alone.
Friday, September 11, 2015
In the Same Direction
Gen 5.22 After he became the father of Methuselah, Enoch walked faithfully with God 300 years and had other sons and daughters.
The other men merely lived. Enoch walked with God.
How is "walking" with God different than "living out" your allotted years? One thing is immediately clear. We must go in the same direction....He invites me to join Him. He will not go with me on my side trips. Agreeing to join Him requires that every ambition in my heart becomes secondary Christ.
Perhaps another reason why we feel that God is far from us. It is not that He is, but because we took our own path, we are on opposite sides of a canyon....and until we are willing to walk across a rope bridge (admit that we need help) to get back on the other side. Without being desperate enough to run across that bridge, leaving behind the wolves we were fighting, into the arms of our Father, we will simply face more and worsening "animals" to fight. We will continue to feel alone because we are not willing to state that we cannot do things ourselves in this world, and we are in the wrong.
Enoch fascinates me because of the fact that he did not die but was caught up in heaven---a rapture if you will. He must have been so totally focused and dependent on God...more than most anyone else. I wonder what made him have that relationship, what drew him so close to God.
God wants to have a relationship with us, all of us. So often though, we act like those before us, all the way to the Garden. We push God away, saying through actions that we do not need Him. Nothing is further from the truth. We were created to be with God. Not only is our world horribly broken, but so is our own existence. Of course we cannot manage our lives! Broken world, broken existence. The best chance we have at life here until Paradise is to rely on God, and give up the idea that our plans are so wonderful. Our plans are not wonderful...quite frankly they are horrific ideas that either hurt us or hurt someone else.
So let us reach out to God. Let us cry out, and run to His open arms across the canyon. Let us leave behind the things we think we should do and have for what is truly important---a relationship that is deep and meaningful with our great Lord and Father.
The other men merely lived. Enoch walked with God.
How is "walking" with God different than "living out" your allotted years? One thing is immediately clear. We must go in the same direction....He invites me to join Him. He will not go with me on my side trips. Agreeing to join Him requires that every ambition in my heart becomes secondary Christ.
Perhaps another reason why we feel that God is far from us. It is not that He is, but because we took our own path, we are on opposite sides of a canyon....and until we are willing to walk across a rope bridge (admit that we need help) to get back on the other side. Without being desperate enough to run across that bridge, leaving behind the wolves we were fighting, into the arms of our Father, we will simply face more and worsening "animals" to fight. We will continue to feel alone because we are not willing to state that we cannot do things ourselves in this world, and we are in the wrong.
Enoch fascinates me because of the fact that he did not die but was caught up in heaven---a rapture if you will. He must have been so totally focused and dependent on God...more than most anyone else. I wonder what made him have that relationship, what drew him so close to God.
God wants to have a relationship with us, all of us. So often though, we act like those before us, all the way to the Garden. We push God away, saying through actions that we do not need Him. Nothing is further from the truth. We were created to be with God. Not only is our world horribly broken, but so is our own existence. Of course we cannot manage our lives! Broken world, broken existence. The best chance we have at life here until Paradise is to rely on God, and give up the idea that our plans are so wonderful. Our plans are not wonderful...quite frankly they are horrific ideas that either hurt us or hurt someone else.
So let us reach out to God. Let us cry out, and run to His open arms across the canyon. Let us leave behind the things we think we should do and have for what is truly important---a relationship that is deep and meaningful with our great Lord and Father.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
A Battling Soul
Finding God. Larry Crabb
I knew that I could not survive life outside the Garden unless I knew God better. The battle raging in my soul was one I knew I could not win.
RA is, for me, not a battle raging in my soul, more my mind. As I discussed previously, I am leaning on God differently than when I was anorexic/bulimic. I need comfort from God, a strength to provide comfort to deal with the pain and the idea of a lifetime of illness.
When I was battling the anorexia (no other definition fits, but by the diagnosis terms, I had anorexia NOS---not otherwise specified--which means it is not in the same category as "normal" anorexia.) At that point, with massive clinical depression and severe anxiety disorders, I needed God's strength to battle the turmoil in my soul. A time of terror had entered my life, caused by many many things that will remain secret as they are not needed for this discussion. (However, let it be said that the things that helped develop my issue(s) are no longer in place).
That time was a time that showed me, in even more depth, how we need God to survive. This place, this broken, sad world is horrible. It is nearly Hell, but for the presence of God. We need to lean on Him, listen to the Counselor sent us. That is the only way to find a place of emotional, mental, spiritual and physical rest----even in the worst of the worst experiences.
I watch the world about me, and see so many hurt people, trying to find comfort and strength. Drugs, illicit and legal, exercise, projects to "better" the world (a good thing, some of these), friends, family, rampant sex, even hatred. These things fail us...drugs cause damage when in excess (or not as well), projects fail, we age and fall apart, friends and family abandon us. There really is only one answer.
The time I spent with God in battling my depression, anorexia, and anxiety issues was terrible; something I would never wish upon anyone. Yet, it has been a blessing. I have always been super attuned to the emotions of others---total strangers nearly have signs on their faces that scream at me whether they are sad, mad, depressed, scared. With the battle I have fought, and within a few years was very open about, I can help those people who have such deep hurts as I had.
God was so good to me, He gave me such strength to handle one of the hardest times in my life, and to then use that experience to help others in similar hard times. I was the nurse who was not afraid of patients with "mental health" diagnoses. Those people just hurt, really really badly.
I have come to believe that there are many things that God can help us with---more than we maybe realize. As I said, I am relying on Him in a different manner than previous difficult times. God has many different sides...different ways that we can get strength, comfort, love and discipline. He cares for all parts of our lives...not just when cancer hits. He cares for us as we clean our homes, or walk the dog. We can call on Him, talk to Him, listen, read the Word and absorb knowledge from the Counselor at all times. If a parent is interested in the aspects of the child's day...why would not our Heavenly Father care? He listens. Sometimes we are just told no, or to wait. But He is there, does listen and oh, how much He loves us.
I knew that I could not survive life outside the Garden unless I knew God better. The battle raging in my soul was one I knew I could not win.
RA is, for me, not a battle raging in my soul, more my mind. As I discussed previously, I am leaning on God differently than when I was anorexic/bulimic. I need comfort from God, a strength to provide comfort to deal with the pain and the idea of a lifetime of illness.
When I was battling the anorexia (no other definition fits, but by the diagnosis terms, I had anorexia NOS---not otherwise specified--which means it is not in the same category as "normal" anorexia.) At that point, with massive clinical depression and severe anxiety disorders, I needed God's strength to battle the turmoil in my soul. A time of terror had entered my life, caused by many many things that will remain secret as they are not needed for this discussion. (However, let it be said that the things that helped develop my issue(s) are no longer in place).
That time was a time that showed me, in even more depth, how we need God to survive. This place, this broken, sad world is horrible. It is nearly Hell, but for the presence of God. We need to lean on Him, listen to the Counselor sent us. That is the only way to find a place of emotional, mental, spiritual and physical rest----even in the worst of the worst experiences.
I watch the world about me, and see so many hurt people, trying to find comfort and strength. Drugs, illicit and legal, exercise, projects to "better" the world (a good thing, some of these), friends, family, rampant sex, even hatred. These things fail us...drugs cause damage when in excess (or not as well), projects fail, we age and fall apart, friends and family abandon us. There really is only one answer.
The time I spent with God in battling my depression, anorexia, and anxiety issues was terrible; something I would never wish upon anyone. Yet, it has been a blessing. I have always been super attuned to the emotions of others---total strangers nearly have signs on their faces that scream at me whether they are sad, mad, depressed, scared. With the battle I have fought, and within a few years was very open about, I can help those people who have such deep hurts as I had.
God was so good to me, He gave me such strength to handle one of the hardest times in my life, and to then use that experience to help others in similar hard times. I was the nurse who was not afraid of patients with "mental health" diagnoses. Those people just hurt, really really badly.
I have come to believe that there are many things that God can help us with---more than we maybe realize. As I said, I am relying on Him in a different manner than previous difficult times. God has many different sides...different ways that we can get strength, comfort, love and discipline. He cares for all parts of our lives...not just when cancer hits. He cares for us as we clean our homes, or walk the dog. We can call on Him, talk to Him, listen, read the Word and absorb knowledge from the Counselor at all times. If a parent is interested in the aspects of the child's day...why would not our Heavenly Father care? He listens. Sometimes we are just told no, or to wait. But He is there, does listen and oh, how much He loves us.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Spiritual Pain
Finding God. L. Crabb
This kind of pain filled me the night I read Heb 11.6 ---6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
I wanted to hear God, I needed to hear God. Nothing mattered more to me than finding Him.
I was struggling to find a way to live.
In those harder battles, the times we still feel so alone---times when maybe even family and friends have turned their backs on us----we begin to cry out to God with such urgency.
Those times, as I have discussed in previous posts, feel as if no one is answering, no one is listening...and during a tragedy, may lead people into running away from the faith.
Whether there is that sense of silence that is a lie from the evil one, or it is from our refusing to be silent long enough to even hear Him....I do not know. Perhaps the evil one provides that sense of abandonment in an attempt to sever ties between us. Or maybe some sin we will not repent of.
I do know, oh, I know, that God does not ever leave us. There may be that silence, but He is still there, and if we continue to ask, and call, and listen for Him, we will "find" Him again.
I praise God that at this time I am not so ill. I am not who I was---and probably even if I went back to 100% I would not be who I was. As things happen to us, often terrible, unimaginable things, we change.
We are being forced, in a way, to give up evil ways...to give up the evil roots that have settled deep into our hearts and souls from generations upon generations ago when the first two chose to be gods. I have often had this thought, however unfounded it may be, that we are trained here on earth to as near perfection as we can get, and at that point, we go Home. Really, it is quite unfounded, as no works will save us...but faith without works is dead as well. If we are not working with God to better ourselves away from evil desires and evil lusts and evil gods, we are not in the faith.
So disasters happen to us, all as a result of our predecessors (and ourselves on a daily basis) thumbing their nose at the Creator of the Universe and saying: "You are not good enough. You are not enough. We know better."
Oh good plan. Think for a moment how you have felt when someone has said this or acted this out at you. Then imagine you are the person who created things with one word. It is very demeaning to one's person.
We picked sin. We picked to be mini-gods...and so poisoned our genetic code with disease, the world with storms and volcanoes, the animals and plants to suffer as well. Our actions caused a curse to fall on us all that will not be resolved until the last person at the last moment accepts Jesus as Savior. At that point, from all I have read, destruction of the earth can occur, because the last person that God knew would accept Him, has. He wants to save as many of us as He can, so we have to wait too...so that that last person might be saved. I know there is a verse, but it has flown from my head. James perhaps.
So struggle on, call on the Creator. Because, as I have said, if Jesus wept at the death of Lazarus, even though the glory of God was to be seen, it was still hard. He cares so much for us, even if bad things are sometimes allowed. Compare our hard time with what the eternal suffering in Hell is like. We get off easy, since our suffering is limited, and followed by complete Paradise at Home.
This kind of pain filled me the night I read Heb 11.6 ---6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
I wanted to hear God, I needed to hear God. Nothing mattered more to me than finding Him.
I was struggling to find a way to live.
In those harder battles, the times we still feel so alone---times when maybe even family and friends have turned their backs on us----we begin to cry out to God with such urgency.
Those times, as I have discussed in previous posts, feel as if no one is answering, no one is listening...and during a tragedy, may lead people into running away from the faith.
Whether there is that sense of silence that is a lie from the evil one, or it is from our refusing to be silent long enough to even hear Him....I do not know. Perhaps the evil one provides that sense of abandonment in an attempt to sever ties between us. Or maybe some sin we will not repent of.
I do know, oh, I know, that God does not ever leave us. There may be that silence, but He is still there, and if we continue to ask, and call, and listen for Him, we will "find" Him again.
I praise God that at this time I am not so ill. I am not who I was---and probably even if I went back to 100% I would not be who I was. As things happen to us, often terrible, unimaginable things, we change.
We are being forced, in a way, to give up evil ways...to give up the evil roots that have settled deep into our hearts and souls from generations upon generations ago when the first two chose to be gods. I have often had this thought, however unfounded it may be, that we are trained here on earth to as near perfection as we can get, and at that point, we go Home. Really, it is quite unfounded, as no works will save us...but faith without works is dead as well. If we are not working with God to better ourselves away from evil desires and evil lusts and evil gods, we are not in the faith.
So disasters happen to us, all as a result of our predecessors (and ourselves on a daily basis) thumbing their nose at the Creator of the Universe and saying: "You are not good enough. You are not enough. We know better."
Oh good plan. Think for a moment how you have felt when someone has said this or acted this out at you. Then imagine you are the person who created things with one word. It is very demeaning to one's person.
We picked sin. We picked to be mini-gods...and so poisoned our genetic code with disease, the world with storms and volcanoes, the animals and plants to suffer as well. Our actions caused a curse to fall on us all that will not be resolved until the last person at the last moment accepts Jesus as Savior. At that point, from all I have read, destruction of the earth can occur, because the last person that God knew would accept Him, has. He wants to save as many of us as He can, so we have to wait too...so that that last person might be saved. I know there is a verse, but it has flown from my head. James perhaps.
So struggle on, call on the Creator. Because, as I have said, if Jesus wept at the death of Lazarus, even though the glory of God was to be seen, it was still hard. He cares so much for us, even if bad things are sometimes allowed. Compare our hard time with what the eternal suffering in Hell is like. We get off easy, since our suffering is limited, and followed by complete Paradise at Home.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Endurance
From Larry Crabb. Finding God
...but two weeks after the accident, I sensed tears that had not yet been shed, tears pressing for a release from an even deeper source than the profound loss I felt over Bill's death. At midnight, I slipped out of bed, reached for my Bible, and headed for the privacy of my study...within seconds of my sitting down, the dam burst. Tears gushed from my eyes and poured down my face. I sobbed, I wailed, I heaved for perhaps 20 minutes...with terrible clarity, I realized that I, along with everyone else, was out of the Garden of Eden and had no way back in.
I cried to the Lord: "I cannot endure what I know to be true. Life is painful. I am selfish. Everything is intolerable. Nothing satisfied. Nothing brings relief. Sorrow outweighs joy. I cannot go on without knowing You better.
I guess that the truth of these words hit me at a younger age. How can we expect, at any time in our lives, that we are in "Eden"? By all accounts we are in as close to Hell as we will get.
There is no way of handling anything in this world without knowing God more.
While RA has made it, yet again, abundantly clear that I cannot survive without knowing God, it brought about a different dependence on God than I have had before.
During my time fighting anorexia-like symptoms, I prayed through meals so that I could force bites into my mouth. The dependence on God at that time seemed very deep, very strong. Yet looking back at the dependence I had at that point, it seems different, not exactly shallower, but certainly not with the desperation I have felt with my RA diagnosis.
I think it could be said that different trials bring us to depend on God differently. Or perhaps it is that we are depending on a different part of His Person. I have seen God as Abba, Father much more with my RA, while with my anorexia it was more like He was a protector, driving away evil thoughts. Both a comforting stance, but different. With anorexia we fought together to battle the self destruction; RA I crawl into His loving arms and wait for the comfort of the King to ease my physical pain---we mourn together at the brokenness in the world leading to such illnesses.
God is waiting for us to search Him out more---and perhaps allowing hard things to happen that we may have that deeper relationship. When that deeper relationship begins to grow...you begin to see glimpses into Paradise. You begin to see, while it is horrible, the suffering begin to pale in comparison with the future. We are not left to battle these hard, terrible things alone. We will spend more time in the arms of the King than in the arms of a broken, half destroyed, screaming world. We will one day stand and hear those glorious words: "Well done, My good and faithful servant."
...but two weeks after the accident, I sensed tears that had not yet been shed, tears pressing for a release from an even deeper source than the profound loss I felt over Bill's death. At midnight, I slipped out of bed, reached for my Bible, and headed for the privacy of my study...within seconds of my sitting down, the dam burst. Tears gushed from my eyes and poured down my face. I sobbed, I wailed, I heaved for perhaps 20 minutes...with terrible clarity, I realized that I, along with everyone else, was out of the Garden of Eden and had no way back in.
I cried to the Lord: "I cannot endure what I know to be true. Life is painful. I am selfish. Everything is intolerable. Nothing satisfied. Nothing brings relief. Sorrow outweighs joy. I cannot go on without knowing You better.
I guess that the truth of these words hit me at a younger age. How can we expect, at any time in our lives, that we are in "Eden"? By all accounts we are in as close to Hell as we will get.
There is no way of handling anything in this world without knowing God more.
While RA has made it, yet again, abundantly clear that I cannot survive without knowing God, it brought about a different dependence on God than I have had before.
During my time fighting anorexia-like symptoms, I prayed through meals so that I could force bites into my mouth. The dependence on God at that time seemed very deep, very strong. Yet looking back at the dependence I had at that point, it seems different, not exactly shallower, but certainly not with the desperation I have felt with my RA diagnosis.
I think it could be said that different trials bring us to depend on God differently. Or perhaps it is that we are depending on a different part of His Person. I have seen God as Abba, Father much more with my RA, while with my anorexia it was more like He was a protector, driving away evil thoughts. Both a comforting stance, but different. With anorexia we fought together to battle the self destruction; RA I crawl into His loving arms and wait for the comfort of the King to ease my physical pain---we mourn together at the brokenness in the world leading to such illnesses.
God is waiting for us to search Him out more---and perhaps allowing hard things to happen that we may have that deeper relationship. When that deeper relationship begins to grow...you begin to see glimpses into Paradise. You begin to see, while it is horrible, the suffering begin to pale in comparison with the future. We are not left to battle these hard, terrible things alone. We will spend more time in the arms of the King than in the arms of a broken, half destroyed, screaming world. We will one day stand and hear those glorious words: "Well done, My good and faithful servant."
Saturday, September 5, 2015
RA Post: Hate It
I am heading into another flare...feeling just like yuck. Exhausted. Can't wake up. So I guess I will be down for the count.
I hate this. I just hate it.
I hate this. I just hate it.
Vanished
You have this strange sensation as an RA patient.
When you have a better day, maybe even a day that rings soundly of a day long gone because of the lack of symptoms (these are very rare for me)...you suddenly realize the person you were, the person who laughed then, is not the same person who laughs now.
That person has vanished.
And while that sensation feels distressing in a way, due to the fact that the change happened so quickly to me, rather than the normal age/knowledge change that makes a person different over time...there is an aspect to consider.
We are all vanished creatures. What I mean by that is this: we are dead to sin, we are a new creature in Christ. For me, I only get to feel that and the difference after I pray for help to stop a sin or realize that I have committed a sin and asked for forgiveness. I feel with time that that sinful person vanishes---and that is a relief.
Others get the chance to see what life was like as a lost person who finds salvation and accepts it; to be free from the evil of the world (in the sense that we are able to sense with the Spirit evil so long as we do not hush the Spirit). They truly get the chance to feel the vanishing of the old person, the sinful dead creature they were before. This is met with great joy, wonderful feelings, completely indescribable freedom from the wretched state that was life before.
There are those days I mourn for the person I was, who vanished so suddenly. The practicing nurse, the busy wife who could more easily have dates with her sweet husband, the friend laughing with her "sisters"' babies and toddlers...today being one of those days.
But, there still is joy in that while I have vanished, and a new person has replaced most of what I was, I have found new things that do empower me.
I have written this blog, fairly faithfully, in the hopes that others may find comfort in it---either those with RA, family/friends of RA sufferers, and non-RA people.
I have begun projects to try and change treatment and management of RA if I can.
I have more time with my parents, probably more than I have had in some time due to college and work.
I see my sisters more, and their kids more, because I am home more.
Best of all, the chance to study the Word, good authors/pastors...a thing I have been wanting to do for several years but had too many college courses to manage to fit it in as well as I would have liked.
So while my reader may have "vanished" as well....whether from chronic illness, depression after a death or even birth, hard times in some way that have changed you to the point you do not recognize yourself...I believe that God will show you something to be grateful for if you write a list. I think that He will show you that sometimes these things allow for a deeper relationship with Him. That sort of deepening makes struggles much easier.
However, you may still be questioning as to how, why, etc., did this happen to you? I do not know. I do not know why I, after feeling as though God wanted me to be a nurse, was stopped from practicing 1 1/2 years after graduation/certification.
I do think of the story of Lazarus, and that Jesus wept. He had allowed the death so that the glory of God could be more apparent, but Jesus wept. I am considering now that He weeps with us, when we weep---like a mother may after having to punish her child and making the child upset, but still keeping the child from sticking fingers into an aunt's uncovered plug-ins. I think He weeps, He so wants to gather us under His wings, protect us....and I am fascinated with the ideas I have read that our bad times may not be as bad as they could have been and that we may see the other option in Paradise.
Just think of how He may have protected us---those close calls in cars, while walking or biking someplace and a scary person passes you by. He does care...it's just that sin is rampant, desirable, contagious, and everywhere, and by our own choice so very long ago. But He is there, and will never leave you to fight these things. He always has His arms around you.
When you have a better day, maybe even a day that rings soundly of a day long gone because of the lack of symptoms (these are very rare for me)...you suddenly realize the person you were, the person who laughed then, is not the same person who laughs now.
That person has vanished.
And while that sensation feels distressing in a way, due to the fact that the change happened so quickly to me, rather than the normal age/knowledge change that makes a person different over time...there is an aspect to consider.
We are all vanished creatures. What I mean by that is this: we are dead to sin, we are a new creature in Christ. For me, I only get to feel that and the difference after I pray for help to stop a sin or realize that I have committed a sin and asked for forgiveness. I feel with time that that sinful person vanishes---and that is a relief.
Others get the chance to see what life was like as a lost person who finds salvation and accepts it; to be free from the evil of the world (in the sense that we are able to sense with the Spirit evil so long as we do not hush the Spirit). They truly get the chance to feel the vanishing of the old person, the sinful dead creature they were before. This is met with great joy, wonderful feelings, completely indescribable freedom from the wretched state that was life before.
There are those days I mourn for the person I was, who vanished so suddenly. The practicing nurse, the busy wife who could more easily have dates with her sweet husband, the friend laughing with her "sisters"' babies and toddlers...today being one of those days.
But, there still is joy in that while I have vanished, and a new person has replaced most of what I was, I have found new things that do empower me.
I have written this blog, fairly faithfully, in the hopes that others may find comfort in it---either those with RA, family/friends of RA sufferers, and non-RA people.
I have begun projects to try and change treatment and management of RA if I can.
I have more time with my parents, probably more than I have had in some time due to college and work.
I see my sisters more, and their kids more, because I am home more.
Best of all, the chance to study the Word, good authors/pastors...a thing I have been wanting to do for several years but had too many college courses to manage to fit it in as well as I would have liked.
So while my reader may have "vanished" as well....whether from chronic illness, depression after a death or even birth, hard times in some way that have changed you to the point you do not recognize yourself...I believe that God will show you something to be grateful for if you write a list. I think that He will show you that sometimes these things allow for a deeper relationship with Him. That sort of deepening makes struggles much easier.
However, you may still be questioning as to how, why, etc., did this happen to you? I do not know. I do not know why I, after feeling as though God wanted me to be a nurse, was stopped from practicing 1 1/2 years after graduation/certification.
I do think of the story of Lazarus, and that Jesus wept. He had allowed the death so that the glory of God could be more apparent, but Jesus wept. I am considering now that He weeps with us, when we weep---like a mother may after having to punish her child and making the child upset, but still keeping the child from sticking fingers into an aunt's uncovered plug-ins. I think He weeps, He so wants to gather us under His wings, protect us....and I am fascinated with the ideas I have read that our bad times may not be as bad as they could have been and that we may see the other option in Paradise.
Just think of how He may have protected us---those close calls in cars, while walking or biking someplace and a scary person passes you by. He does care...it's just that sin is rampant, desirable, contagious, and everywhere, and by our own choice so very long ago. But He is there, and will never leave you to fight these things. He always has His arms around you.
Friday, September 4, 2015
RA Post: Limitations
While I always have been tired---at least remarkably so the last ten years---the hardest thing about RA is the full halt of some cases. I have read numerous posts on support sites of those mourning the loss of their jobs and families. Divorce rates appear to be high as husbands (as most people with RA are women) and wives give up and "can't take" the person's continuous cancellations of family dinners, dates, everything. The chronic waves of sleeping incessantly followed by insomnia. Complaints of pain, nausea, doctors, medications...the massive changes in activity levels.
I admit it is hard for spouses, family and friends. But it is so hard to be the patient and be unable to do what you did do.
Since I just woke up one morning with glass shards in my hands, knees and feet and within a day hips, it was hard to wrap my mind around it. I kept thinking I would wake up and it would be finally gone----like the flu. Within a month, I stopped working at one of my most favorite jobs: a home health nurse. I felt so horrible, looked so horrible that my patients were asking if I was ok.
Nausea increased as the inflammation in my body cascaded out of control, and began to drop weight because of the lack of interest in food.
RA is hard. It is very hard. It is hard to watch others and feel as if you are 90. For instance, I managed to get to the local pharmacy and thrift shop with my mother...and when we were getting ready to leave the thrift store, I was limping so badly that I was leaning on every surface available.
I am the sort of person that people talking in stores, blocking an aisle, do not see. Boy, people were moving carts for me left and right. So I guess there is a bonus, eh? haha!
So life with RA is hard. But life without RA is also hard. If nothing else, we have the assurance of God's love and presence through our contact with the Spirit. We have the assurance that whatever hardship we face, as terrible as it is, is the better thing that could happen to us. Since the Lord is omnipotent, omnipresent and other omni-words...it is thought that He also knows what would have happened in a different choice made by us, etc. I consider that this is probably likely. It reminds me of C.S. Lewis' Voyage of the Dawn Treader ( a personal favorite) when Lucy is on the island of the Duffers, and sees actions of her friends that distress her. She makes a choice that she later asks Aslan if she could know what would have happened had she not made that choice...and he replies that no, while he did know, no one was allowed to know such a thing.
So, as we face illnesses, deaths, and many other sad, terrible things in this broken world we were never meant to live in, we can rest in the knowledge that we are probably in the better way. We can know that God is always there, just waiting to welcome us Home, and "wipe away every tear". Our entrance into Paradise will so erase the suffering we had....and as Alcorn mentions, we may perhaps see what the other option was to the suffering we did face.
I admit it is hard for spouses, family and friends. But it is so hard to be the patient and be unable to do what you did do.
Since I just woke up one morning with glass shards in my hands, knees and feet and within a day hips, it was hard to wrap my mind around it. I kept thinking I would wake up and it would be finally gone----like the flu. Within a month, I stopped working at one of my most favorite jobs: a home health nurse. I felt so horrible, looked so horrible that my patients were asking if I was ok.
Nausea increased as the inflammation in my body cascaded out of control, and began to drop weight because of the lack of interest in food.
RA is hard. It is very hard. It is hard to watch others and feel as if you are 90. For instance, I managed to get to the local pharmacy and thrift shop with my mother...and when we were getting ready to leave the thrift store, I was limping so badly that I was leaning on every surface available.
I am the sort of person that people talking in stores, blocking an aisle, do not see. Boy, people were moving carts for me left and right. So I guess there is a bonus, eh? haha!
So life with RA is hard. But life without RA is also hard. If nothing else, we have the assurance of God's love and presence through our contact with the Spirit. We have the assurance that whatever hardship we face, as terrible as it is, is the better thing that could happen to us. Since the Lord is omnipotent, omnipresent and other omni-words...it is thought that He also knows what would have happened in a different choice made by us, etc. I consider that this is probably likely. It reminds me of C.S. Lewis' Voyage of the Dawn Treader ( a personal favorite) when Lucy is on the island of the Duffers, and sees actions of her friends that distress her. She makes a choice that she later asks Aslan if she could know what would have happened had she not made that choice...and he replies that no, while he did know, no one was allowed to know such a thing.
So, as we face illnesses, deaths, and many other sad, terrible things in this broken world we were never meant to live in, we can rest in the knowledge that we are probably in the better way. We can know that God is always there, just waiting to welcome us Home, and "wipe away every tear". Our entrance into Paradise will so erase the suffering we had....and as Alcorn mentions, we may perhaps see what the other option was to the suffering we did face.
Bushels
From the Spirit Filled Life. C Stanley.
The amount of fruit we bear correlates with how apparent it is to others that we are believers (Jn 15.8). Our faith is known to others through the good deeds that overflow from our character. (Mt 5.16)
The worst thing I have ever heard a person say to another is: "Oh, you're a Christian?" ( Well, that and abusive language).
How horrible to be in the world and be so worldly that no one you meet or even work with knows that you are a Christian. People often have a preconceived idea that Christians are nicer than average people...and while it is hard to be nicer, and not needed for our salvation, it is a pretty poor representation of our Father and Savior and Counselor that others do not see us as His.
We should be encouraged by the faith, the readings, studies, churches, etc., enough to appear differently. If not, if we can't show the love of God, and gently show the world the wrongness of sins and desires....."Faith without works is dead" as the Word says.
I do not think that it is right, either, to be running around like mad, collecting as many volunteer jobs as possible---not unless that is really a passion. I have been of the opinion that things that are just practically lighting a fire under you are your calling----some are teachers of the Bible, and some are not. There is no shame in that.
We are all created so very different. Just like how there are so many different forms of life on the planet. God has a use for us in the world, a way to stand out. Some of us do other country missionary work, and some of us do missions here by who we meet and talk to, show how we live and love. There are those who work on projects for homeless, unplanned/teen pregnancies, or other issues that cause concern in our seemingly increasingly evil world. Now, I also believe that some people are called to stay home---be a prayer warrior, be extra help for their families. There is no shame in that. I believe there are many people who are called to do those things, and shine of God's love by the love they have for service at home.
We are all different, and different fruits become more obvious as we age and mature in faith. During my active practice as an RN, I usually discerned patients Christians by their gentleness, a softness in eyes and manner----long before they finally asked me if I was of the faith. It should be obvious, we have to work hard at asking for help to keep our sins down so that we show a difference to the world---and I think a difference that is not in smugness.
So grow with me, fellow believers. Grow and learn more about our Father and Savior and Counselor---and let us not shame our Lord and be the type of Christian that shocks people because they do not see any sign of faith.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Tranquility
From the Spirit Filled Life. C. Stanley.
The Vine is Christ, I am the branch. The Holy Spirit is the Sap that runs from the Vine into the branch. The branch lives, grows, bears fruit not by struggles and effort, but by simply abiding... There has been a peace, a tranquility, a serenity about my life that outweighs anything I have ever known.
My days with RA vary. I may have two weeks of really good days, or I may have two weeks of really bad. I am extremely grateful for the movement I have.
I can say that, as I have before, I too had great tranquility. I still do, but since my good days are often spent not laying and doing Bible studies, my conversations with God have been shallower. This makes the days, when the RA hits me that I do not have the life I had, harder because I do not have as deep of a relationship as I did. It is so easy to be distracted by things of the world...even just watering plants in a greenhouse. Our relationship with God is a thing we must work on...time spent getting to know God; more importantly WANTING to know God. The time spent is useless if the whole heart and spirit is not in it.
Now, after saying that, working on Bible studies or prayer or whatever works for you will often spur on the desire to know God more.
The Holy Spirit is something that tells us so much of God's love. After all, for generations of people, there generally was not a Spirit filled life, from all I have read. What a blessing we are given! God with us 24/7. And the Spirit is with us, not living in the Temple about the Jewish synagogue. We get so much help through the Spirit.
I think God knows (being that He is omnipotent) that we struggle. We struggle with being angry and upset, and sometimes half at Him for not saving the person.Think of all the stories: The father with the sick child asking Jesus to help him with his unbelief---right after stating he did believe. Even those of us who believe need help believing, especially when things are scary.
Another thought: Mary and Martha both said to Jesus that if He had only been there sooner, Lazarus might not have died. We say that as well; if God had answered our prayer, Uncle Jo might not have died...baby Elizabeth might have lived.
Jesus waited to heal Lazarus, yes. But He wept. And He did raise Him from the dead that the glory of God would be known. I think that allowing the suffering we have, then, does grieve God. But, as with the raising of Lazarus...there are times our trials are turned to the glory of God.
If a person faces many horrible things, or even one, and faces it with the idea of honoring God regardless, determinedly keeping our Faith, people see it. People who are not of the faith. And it can make them start to look into faith, see why someone who should be nearly paralyzed with grief is mostly fine.
Another last thought: keeping the Faith deep in your heart....keeps His love in you, and makes harder things easier because He is there in the dark hours of the night when tears flow from illness, loss or just a bad day. He is always there, and will never abandon us, even if we are asked to face hard things.
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
gods
lay here in my latest, and probably worst flare in some time, considering my disease. Difficult to not do so in this position. RA has a way of finding out the jealousy that lives in us all. Before this I perhaps was busy enough or "happy" enough, like the rest of us, to delude myself into thinking I wasn't all that jealous. Ha!
Jealousy is easily hidden....sneaking out at times when we think it's a minor thing. As women, our jealousy is of those who have a boyfriend, fiancee, husband, babies. We may have others, but those are the big ones.
Let me tell you there is a whole 'nother ball park when you hit an RA diagnosis. Your life stops, and what you did stops. There are some of us who manage to struggle on, or cases who are managed easily by diet and meds. Who you are vanishes,and is replaced with a steroid-fat, nauseated limping being who would like, on most days, to slap someone. Just for slapping purposes.
fortunately I have resisted this temptation.
The jealousy I have for what others are doing was there all along. We all have that evil just waiting for a chance to erupt. Jealousy may be about one thing or many, but is still consuming given the timing. We have to watch ourselves; watch that we aren't fixing it in our minds that we have a right to jealousy, a right for those feelings.
Like everything else in this sinful, broken world, we cannot do this alone. I cannot fight my jealous feelings that have awoken because of my illness. It is certainly no one's fault that I am sick. Jealousy will become your god, the desires for things will become an overwhelming obcession, right up to the point of driving some to suicide. Who has won then? Certainly not ourselves, as we have long given into a new ruler. We have tried, perhaps unknowingly, to silence our good Father by lustful, wistful desires for things and relationships not needed.
I must strive above to godliness, asking God and my dear Father for help. Help will come, and not always as we expect. It may be we do get a sudden answer from Him for our deepest wishes. It may be He says no to them. But, and this is the biggest point, He will not abandon us, dragging us into deeper, more luscious dreams of things that never happen or else as the dreadful jealousy god will. He, as He said, gives us living water. It is not so much that we get an answer....it's the fact that the Creator of the universe, the Lord of all, gives us living water, satisfying us so deeply that no desire beyond Him will be in our hearts and souls. With His Counselor at our side 24/7, we will manage everything, no matter how hard it is.. for He reigns, and His rule is much more satisfactory than anything on earth. Seek Him. Not jealousy.
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RA Awareness Day
