Ever More Burnishing

 Life never fails to toss more at us. A Battle plays out too difficult to discuss at this time and place.

I haven't studied much, my eyes still can't take the light. But I feel God always with me. 

I ask Him what to do with the current harsh battle. I ask what to say, do, act on and what to not. 

I don't have much of any answer. Just the silent, calm, peace that descends about me like a coat. That whatever is done, whatever happens, whatever is my life...He loves me and accepts me for who I am..

I have only the last week or so suddenly become more aware of being ok---very ok--- with who I am. Not that I am perfect, gracious no. I shudder to think what sins I have and what sins I am unaware of. Yet I still suddenly, and more strongly than ever before in my life ..I am comfortable in my own skin. I am who I am.

I am a server. I am strongly weak. I am an advocate. I am who I am because of the paths God had laid out by knowing all of time at once. 

I do not look forward to this time of mental and emotional pain that I am going through. It has been one of the fastest turnarounds in my life, a changing of thinking, reacting and speaking. I do not look forward to it. But I do look forward to the chances His may be setting up for me to continue to grow and change. So much is happening to me and so fast that I almost cannot keep up. I feel like such a different person, so free of what has tied me down for such a long, long time.

There is a silly movie I have always loved. It is called "Last Holiday", and stars Queen Latifa and LL Cool J. She's a low paid sales associate who gets accidentally diagnosed with a fast acting deadly disease. She jets off to do everything she ever wanted to do (my version is clean but I don't know if they all are). At the last night, right before finding out her misdiagnosis, she looks Ina mirror and says: "Next time, we just won't be so scared."

I have spent my entire life terrified. Unable to speak up for myself, punishing myself for faults I did or did not have, and never measuring up to what I felt others wanted me to be. I feel like God may be giving me the chance to try again and this time, not be so scared. 

One can live and be kind. One can speak up for themselves and be heard and be kind. Thank you, oh my King, for showing me that I am perfect in your sight even while I yet sin. Thank you for carrying me when I fell, and holding me as I screamed in agony, and for wiping the tears of violent weeping. Thank you for showing me more of who You want me to be