RA Post

Today was a hard day. Sometimes, after I have felt worse...it hurts my soul to come back to earth and live among the mortals again rather than the wraith I see myself as on the couch, oblivious to the world around me. Like Frodo, stabbed by a wraith blade...All I know is pain and sick and misery. 

Then I come to, and the flowers are blooming, different ones than last. The trees have masses of leaves rather than little bitty temptations of greenery. What happened? 

So today I burst into tears as I made my way up the stairs. Just because I am sick, and I am tired of being sick...and I read on my support group of so many who never are in remission...I know it happens, but when I only go a few days with being "well" and spend the other times as a wraith, tears have to come. 
So I sobbed hysterically into a clean kitchen towel. Because I am sick, and in pain, and could very well be for the rest of my life. And it is very very hard to take that. Because I am 26 years old. Because I am a newlywed. Because I want to have children and maybe shouldn't because I cannot take care of them at this point. Because I am an RN. And my body acts like an 85 year old. 

So today was a hard day. But, I will go on.