Reflections in the Mirror

I have been too sick to write anything.
I tried tumeric, which is supposed to be a wonderful antiinflammatory. It also kills everything in your gut and makes you sicker than a dead dog forever. And then gives you another flare because you needed one. Riiiight.

I was mulling over my past, as I haven't been able to read either to speak of. I was thinking of saying for years "I don't feel good," and "I'm tired."
Then I thought that those symptoms came from the ever increasing anxiety that I had was the cause.
Yeah, I don't really think so anymore. It was pain.

My sister and I have what we describe as "non pain pain". Which is pain that you don't register yet, but it is making you irritable, exhausted, anxious etc. May not make much sense, but sort of like how babies or small children hurt but don't tell you until it is really bad, such as with a cold. They just get moody and fussy.
My theory is that, as joints themselves do not have nerve endings in them, it takes an awful lot of swelling and misalignment to cause pain. And it does.
So the non pain pain has been acting up in my life for ages. It explains an awful lot. Also makes things really depressing, knowing I have had it so long, and will continue to have it.

I did manage to read something by Joni Eareckson talking about our unseen battles. She referred to a roommate who was blind with an unknown neuromuscular disease, yet she never complained or said anything negative. (I wish I could say the same for myself...I have been quite negative)...and while this woman was often alone the last years of her life, she was not alone...because those in the spiritual world were surrounding her and by her choices, celebrating. Her attitude and faith in God meant that there was great celebration on the part of God's side.

I burst into hysterical tears at this. Not even about the celebration for the choices--which it is true we can control our minds regardless of our health---but the idea of never ever being alone, having even more beings around me. God is always with me, but the idea of even more company was just too much somehow. I so often feel too terrible for company, yet being alone is among the worst.