Ponder

I have lost a few friends over my illness. Having been on the side of an "unbeliever" of the intensity of RA pain (or whatever I have)---I can understand partially. I have had some quite unkind things said to me. 

I was reading this evening (oh to read again!) about the crucifixion and how, to paraphrase,[A Step Further, Joni E Tada] it really was if Jesus was being demanded of why He did sins. MY sins. "Why did you think poorly of that person? Why did you lie?" etc etc...It really horrifies one to consider that everything I have done and will do that is a sin was asked of Jesus. Times millions of people. 
What absolute torture...I wonder if, although He did not do those sins, He had to feel the guilt of them. Guilt is so smothering, it must have been terrible if He was saddled with that as well. Wow. 

Then, I remembered that God abandoned Jesus on the Cross, and that that was the absolute epitome of suffering. I imagine no one would understand losing that connection but Adam and Eve, who were with God daily, but where Jesus had never been without Him from my understanding......and what is Hell but the complete lack of God? So Jesus pretty much literally went through Hell on the Cross. He was accused of all the sins of the entire world past, present and future....and the ABANDONED by His Father, something none of us ever have to face. 

I am so grateful that my Father will never abandon or forsake me. He is always there with me as I struggle hourly with pain, anger, depression, acceptance and the whole long spectrum of grieving. Anyone else may leave me at any time, but He is always there for me, loving me and weeping with me, even though it may not be in His plan to heal me this second. It may not even be until I leave this world for my new home...but I think He weeps for me too. He wept for Lazarus, even though He raised Him from the dead. I have died in a sort of way. I will never be who I was. I may also never get much better....some RA is very resistant to therapy. So I think when I cry over my "death", He cries with me, holding my close to His heart.