Captivity

From J.E. Tada's A place of healing
So I am finding His Presence, His Comfort and His Faithfulness in this strange and alien country of increased suffering. Much of why God does what He does and heals when He heals remains cloaked in divine mystery. For those of us who do not experience a miracle of physical healing in out present earthly lives, can we hang on? Can we hold onto hope? And more....can we learn what we should learn during our period of captivity?
You can't teach suffering from a textbook....how do you communicate truth so words become a branding iron on a heart of soft wax?
If God sends us on strong path, we are provided strong shoes---Corrie ten Boom
I thought my life pre RA had suffering in it. Now I look at suffering in a totally different light. I had anxiety, depression, loneliness, some jealousy...and they were hard. Now I have pain, more physical suffering. And that seems harder that the previous things I have battled. I know that there are worse things out there than what I am facing. For instance, I have people at home most of the day to help me if I need it.Some people have no one. Ever. Some people have RA and are also facing brain cancers, or sudden deaths of family members, or cheating spouses, lost children. My own branch of suffering is hard, but I know things could be worse. I am grateful that it is what it is, and that God has granted what "escapes" He has, in the form of  our renting from my parents' home, so while my husband is gone during the day, I have someone to periodically ask if I need water, or to say hello....even in my sickest moments. I know if I was alone all day this would be much much worse, I would feel too bad to pick up the phone and call anyone....and I would feel too bad to answer the phone if someone called. I would lay alone day after day....only I really would be alone. I would have God, of course, but unless He decided to speak to me, I would not hear another's voice for many many hours of the day and night.
How do you hold onto hope? Do you have a way now that you hold onto hope? I do not know how anyone out there who does not have God holds onto hope. Especially in the face of chronic pain/illness. RA is the sort of disease that takes a lot of trouble to control in the first place, and then, when a treatment is found, poof---it can suddenly stop working. 
I have many hard, sad days...but if I so much as pick up one of my Christian authors, or my Bible, or my Suffer Journal and look at the verses and quotes I have begun to gather, I feel the small hope-flame flashing up. I may never be healed, I may never have good RA control...but I have God, and no one will ever extinguish Him. 
I studied pain in nursing school. It is a BIG section of study in nursing. We learn all sorts of ways of assessing pain, and medications that treat pain, and non-medical ways of treating pain. I spent a long time studying pain, from the chemical messengers to surgeries to cut nerves to stop pain. No. You CANNOT learn pain from a textbook.That is why I describe my pain as I feel needed in this blog--because RA is not well understood in the general public. 
I despise taking medication. I took some pride that I could push through pain relying on an aspirin or two.
I never liked taking meds. I was like Joni in taking very few medications. My anxiety/depression changed that as I took an antidepressant to help get over the issues--a crutch, I called them. Now...I have to have them. Or I would not be able to eat or sleep. Sigh. But...I have learned that I am very very grateful to live in a time where we have the therapies we have now. It used to be that the only therapy for RA was to take a LOT of aspirin...enough to be ototoxic (damaging to hearing), and did not create much protection from the damage of the disease. Now, there are treatments. I thank God that, if He has chosen not to heal me, there are options to make me a little more comfortable. And hopefully productive in the world at large. 
My enemy has probably assigned some captain in his lowerarchy of hell to harass me. My wicked adversary knows I have at least become accustomed to quadreplegia---that total and permanent paralysis is no longer the struggle it used to be for me. I believe he views disabilities as his last great stronghold to defame the good character of God. Suffering is that last frontier he exploits to smear God's trustworthiness.
I often think similar thoughts of being personally hunted down. I can say, at least, that I had become "used" to my last great struggle. There were still bad days of anxiety where I needed a major break from people, as social anxiety was the main remainder of the agoraphobia and anorexia I once had. Now, a distant memory, I had learned to use the tools I used on the anxiety for my patients. I could handle anything if I was doing it for someone else---my anxiety would vanish while I handled my hospital rounds, my home visit rounds.
I have always noticed that suffering...especially illness suffering is that which breaks people. I heard people absolutely shun God permanently, sometimes whole households, over the illness of a member of the family. If God refused to heal the person, then by golly, they didn't want to do anything that had any smidge of God in it.That has always broken my heart. The enemy won. He drove them from God by throwing suffering at them. I can't run from God. He has done so much for me that to run from God would be to cut my own throat. He is my everything, and has been for years. It crushes me when people run from God. He is there, with open arms. It may be that He doesn't heal, but He loves so much stronger than anyone we will ever meet here on earth.A child will be sick and ask a parent to make them better...and while a parent does not have the power to cure them, they will hold the sick child and rock them. Have you ever found a sick child that willingly left Mama's arms when they have the flu or a bad earache? No, they will scream, and cling onto mama with every ounce of strength they have....even if mama doesn't "cure" them. All they want is mama close. God does have the power to heal, and sometimes will....but all I want if He doesn't heal me is to have Him hold and rock me while I cry. And I would scream louder if anyone pulled me from the arms of my "Abba, Father"....because He is what is holding me together. So...in the worst of the worst....would any rather snuggle their earache alone in the cold corner of the room while "Abba, Father" sits in a recliner, arms open wide, ready to hold, and comfort with the favorite blanket, toy etc....or sit in His great arms, warm and safe, even if suffering?