Never Alone

From A Step Further: 
We should never be alone when we suffer...we should never build a self imposed wall around us that allows no one inside to see what we're going through and to hurt with our hurts. People who are suffering are in desperate need of deep and meaningful conversations with other believers.
I have vaguely walled myself off. I created this blog to vent, because I had some bad experiences venting on other forms of social media. This way, those who care for me can check on me, and let me know either here in comments or via FB emails, calls, texts what they think. I was very very walled off for a while. Really, what changes? My emotions still go through the same circle of stages of mourning over and over again. So I rehash the same emotions...much like many patients I had in my past. 
It takes time for a person to realize that he never will walk again, or that he really does have terminal cancer, or whatever. We have the freedom to feel sorrow and grief....no one would appreciate being told upon the arrival of a stillborn child "The baby is in heaven"...it's too soon. Time to mourn and process is needed, and allowing others this time is crucial Nothing is more devastating than an "attack" on the process of mourning.
I have had so many people in my life dealing with death, or sudden divorces...friends, or almost total strangers. I never told the newly divorced person "you can find someone else now!" I merely hugged them close, and let them cry freely without judgement. 
I spend many "watches of the night" crying to God...mourning being in pain, or having had a nausea filled day to the point of not being able to eat. I ask Him, much like people asked me "Why? Why did he leave me?" from their divorces. I ask God why I am ill, even if I don't really want an answer. I do want to know if this will ever be useful to anyone else, or useful for me besides learning patience.  So, I cry out to Him, imagining Him standing/sitting at my sick bed, stroking my hair, wiping tears from my teat-stained face, holding me safe in His arms. I cannot say why He has not chosen to heal me. It may not be His plan. For one, I have that new dream of oncology nursing, something I had never considered. 
Mourning isn't enough. When your body is racked with pain, your heart is breaking with sorrow, your mind is a mass of confusion, and our soul is weighted with guilt, you have a need to know there is someone, anyone, who understands what you're going through. God uses those soothing Psalms to turn our tears of agony into tears of release.
God certainly can, and sometimes does, heal in miraculous ways today. The Bible does not teach that He will always heal those who come in faith.
 (Paul for one--if he did not have adequate faith to be healed, who would)