Whispers

From A Step Further by J.E. Tada

God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.
Worrying, complaining, and bitterness were often temptations to me as I struggled with the meaning of my paralysis in my early hospital days. Committing ourselves to our faithful Creator--that's trusting God, continuing to do good--that's obeying Him. 

I still have so much trouble with not complaining--most of these blog posts have some note of complaint, if not full complaint. I so thought when this fell upon me that it would go away, or be less than it is...and, shockingly enough, I am a sinner, so I will continue to work on decreasing my complaints, worries, etc...

When I speak of having faith in God during our times of suffering and crisis, I am not talking about an emotion. Trusting God is not necessarily having trustful feelings. It is an act of the will...trusting God is reasoning with yourself to act upon what you know in your head to be true, even though you do not feel it to be true. 

There are times when I am so unhappy that it is an effort to pray, and to ask God yet again for the strength and willingness to face the day, especially the days I cannot do much from exhaustion. I am not so much mad at God but angry at the situation, and why I have to go through it. I desperately WANT to trust God, while half of me shouts to NOT trust---I assume this is the world whispering in my ear, because it dies quickly once I actually ask for help.

How could this crazy paralysis possibly fit into a pattern of good for my life? I felt as though the despair of my soul was as bleak as the gray hospital walls which surrounded me. 

I so cry this sentence out five hundred times a day, substituting paralysis with RA. Although, paralysis would work, in that I feel that my life is paralyzed. How could this RA work for good, or be helpful to me or anyone else? God uses all for good...but I know from previous experience that it may be a decade before I discover the good that comes from this disease. That is hard to take...considering the completely different discomfort of RA. If there is something good that comes of this, it seems more worthwhile....otherwise....so meaningless. 

Self pity never helps anyone. It only magnifies a person's own misery. And it certainly doesn't help God. Although it may seem God is being grossly unfair and giving us a heavier cross to bear, we really don't know what the person next door has to live with. He will give us the unique Grace to bear our unique cross.

I try and stop myself from pitying myself--again, when I ask God for strength, my pity often vanishes. I actually cannot think of a time in which God has not vanished all negative emotions with this disease when asked for Help---and days I ask continually for help have been my happiest. 

Surely God is my help; the Lord is the One who sustains me. Ps 54:4