Waking Up

Mom woke me from the couch yesterday morning...."Are you ok?"
I grunted "what? yes, sure, why?"
"You're moaning."
No, once I was more awake, I wasn't ok. My pain was escalating in waves. That night I had been jerking awake every 15 minutes without knowing why. Pain, I'm sure. Tonight I jerk half awake and start thrashing around on my couch-bed, turning from one side to the next, to the next, to the next....then I wake up and sit upright, rubbing my aching, throbbing joints, staring in disbelief at the clock that says three hours until more meds. Two hours. One hour. My life is sometimes shrunk down into four hour increments. When I can and when I cannot have pain medication. Sure, I do other things, heat, ice, massage...but it is shorter lived and doesn't help me when I am trying to sleep.
Oh man. Hurt. It's even kind of hard to focus enough to write sentences; I hope when I read this later it makes sense. 

The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Cheap grave means the justification of sin without the justification of the sinner. Grace alone does everything they say and so everything can remain as it was before. Well, then, let the Christians live like the rest of the world, let him model him model himself on the world's standards in every sphere of life and not presumptuously aspire to live a different life under grace from his old life under sin. Yet it is imperative for the Christian to achieve renunciation, to practice self-effacement, to distinguish his life from the life of the world. He must let grace be grace indeed, otherwise he will destroy the world's faith in free gift of grace.
Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance, baptism without Church discipline, Communion without confession.Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ, living and incarnate.
Costly grace is the gospel which must be sought again and again, the gift which must be asked for, the door at which a man must knock. 

A lot of this section jumps out at me for the needing to be different than the world. We are not of this world if we are believers. Yet I think we sometimes get so wrapped up in this world that we do not stand out as different. I once heard someone discuss that the Hebrews were vastly different in how their faith worked versus those around them...and that it may have partially been to make others notice their relationship with God. I hope I stand out as different from the world.
This book was written in 1937. But doesn't it scream of modern issues? Of the false grace that we explain to others in our churches, bible studies and other gatherings? We like to almost tell people that if we say we are sorry everything is ok and we do not need to change or do anything. While we do not have to "do" anything to be saved...I think that we honor God by changing how we act. Much how we treat someone we greatly respect differently. I think it is a good thing to want to please God by being honorable. 
I have heard many stories of people becoming interested in the Faith by how different a Christian was. I have equally as may stories of people who were very much turned away from God by the same actions that a believer still had that air of the world.

A Place of Healing J.E.Tada
Quote by Hudson Taylor: "I would witness to the fact that the deepest, the most precious, and the most abiding spiritual lessons which God has been pleased to teach me were learned in consequences of enduring my various experiences of sickness."
The Lord says "I know your affliction". Elsewhere He says "I have seen your affliction". And not just seeing or knowing; He is moved by your tears. Remember, He places your tears in His bottle

 (Ps 56:8 Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll^[a]— are they not in your record?)

In a bottle, our tears won't evaporate [or vanish from a heavenly scroll]. They won't disappear. God's compassion is so great that He remember your afflictions for all time.  

Lamentations 3:32-33New International Version (NIV)³² Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.³³ For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.

He does not change. If, therefore, He loved in the days of His flesh, He loves now; if He cared then, He cares now; if He healed then, He heals now 
He knows, He anticipates the fact that I'm going to be afraid. At times I live in the dread of the pain that looms on the horizon. Well, "if you are afraid" be encouraged. In God's grace He foresees your fear and will always provide a way out of fear.
God has saved us, yet we are still being saved. We are still on earth. This means we're still going to feel the influence of that old curse. Only in paradise will it be said: "No longer will there be any curse." (Rev 22:3).

I often feel that God is right here, feeling my "affliction". And why not? The body is the home to the Spirit, so it may be that He does feel it. If, in that case, He feels all our afflictions, He is very strong. I can't imagine feeling more afflictions than the ones I feel...but I wonder if He still feels all of ours, being with us at all times. At the very least He must feel them as a loving Father might....but think of how many people He is a Father to who are still living in this cursed world. And the fact that He answers so many prayers, and/or gives strength to so many while handling these afflictions! How amazingly strong our God is! I know He made everything, but that is too vast for my little brain to comprehend...and I cannot comprehend being there and "feeling" for so many people, but I can vaguely, oh so very vaguely understand that, and how it must sadden the King. Many times the trial is for our own good...like stopping a puppy from eating chocolate, or a toddler from sticking fingers in power outlets at company's house....the "punishment" is not fun for either side, but the "adult" knows how much better being scolded is than electrocuted or poisoned. I imagine that is the faintest taste of what it is like to allow us to be sick etc. to God. I know now that I have at least forgiven fully people I did not know I was retaining hurtful anger/hate at...and what a horrid thing to hold onto! So poisonous to hold onto anger, as the Bible calls at us all the time. Yet another thing to add to the list of possible additions to my illness---anger. 
Fear has been a long time friend-enermy. But I have learned to ask God to take it from me, or help me with it. Fear is not one shape...fear is a boggart like in Harry Potter. It can be in many forms, many types and thus catch us up. So that's why I do my best to remember to lean on God, (how easy our silly little minds forget to ask God!) so I do not have to battle alone. Fear cannot be won over alone. I know, I've tried battling terrible anxiety alone. Sure, people can medicate for it, but it only dulls the monster...God is the only true Medication that will stop anxiety in its tracks.
I like the idea that we are saved, but still in a cursed world...so the curse rubs off on us. Like glitter or something. I like how the world itself is groaning for the end to appear....I often wonder about animals, if they have any idea about the curse and such. If they are eager to see the end as well.