Meant the Most

From J.E. Tada's A lifetime of Wisdom

What meant the most to me in my suffering is that God never condemned Job for his doubts and despair. God seemed ready and willing to take on the hardball questions. Ah, but the answers? They weren't the ones Job had expected. Likewise, when it comes right down to it, I'm not sure if it would have suffices to find the answers to all my questions anyway. Could I have handled it? It would have been like downloading the entire Internet onto an old laptop...my poor brain wouldn't have been able to handle it.
For some reason, however, it comforted me to realize God did not condemn me for plying Him with questions. He wanted me to express the true contents of my Heart, to dump out all the jumbled, jagged shards of my Soul before Him. 
We bottle up op our troubling questions, and unspeakable feelings toward God, hiding behind an unorthodox evangelical glaze as we "give" it all to God [Like Adam and Eve hiding in the garden]. Except we don't. It's a lie and a ruse and He knows it too.
Why would God rather have our anger, our venom, our rage, our cry of desolation than our measured, controlled, even-tempered and theologically correct prayer? [Think about it...would you want a spouse, child or best friend who hid everything hard from you? No! It is the hard things that bring you closer together!]
It's all about the Heart. Over and over in Scripture you can hear God saying: "Give me your Heart or nothing at all.
He heard a scream from the back of a crowd. No measured tone. No well-considered, finely modulated words. Just a dry, raspy yell from the back of a crowd. An anguished cry for help: "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!"
And it STOPPED the SON OF GOD mid-stride. 

After this, I became even more open with God...I was not angry and I am still not angry that I have RA. I have had many trials...it was just another. But I did cry out for mercy. Mercy to sleep, mercy to be able to at least keep house a little for my husband. 
At this point, I am more in love with God than I ever have been. No..in love isn't exactly the right word....the emotion is love, I will agree, but it is such a different, deep, powerful love, that saying I am in love with God is not right. I don't know what word is. I am extremely grateful for the connection I have at this time. 
I have spent many times keeping emotions bottled up, from probably everyone. Like it says at the beginning of my blog, I worked on forgiveness of people for a while...I hid those hurt feelings too long. But did I tell God about them? No. I kept them (the hurt feelings and pain) as a prized rotten fruit, refusing to let it be pried from my fingers. I let those go, and have learned to tell God more. I had to, with the RA, because I have been up so often in the middle of the night---so I talked to Him. And He was there. Willing to listen, soothing my Soul, Heart and Spirit...giving me rest even from pain. Praise be the Lord.