RA Post: maybe

I had contacted a local pregnancy center to try volunteering as an rn...but another infection means I have to stop my injections.  So just reaching a level of life after waiting for my wonderful insurance company to 're authorize enbrel, and I am at square one. 
So maybe in another month and a half. My goal is 2 hours a month, since I need a driver. And honestly I don't imagine that it will work until summer, when the weather stops changing every five minutes...
I wept for a couple of hours the evening after I had confirmation of an infection. I am so tired of being so sick, unable to do the things I did. For goodness sakes, I put up hay, cleaned seven horse stalls, rode horses for hours, took care of milk animals, and other livestock, cleaned houses, cooked and preserved food...helped butcher a 1200 lbs bull...fought my way through rn school, and then worked sometimes 60 hours a week. To be this limited, seen as lazy, is a knife to the heart. I want to live. I want to run my house, run a garden, work, see people...but somehow,........somehow I am seen as a liar. I feel seen as someone who is posing. Trying to take advantage maybe of others. The other day I was accused of being a "welfare" lady. 
Any pride I had in myself and what I could do is driven from me. People see me on a "good" day and sometimes figure I am indeed lazy....as many with invisible diseases will attest. No one but my family sees me on my worst days, the days I go without eating and force fluids. A great diet technique, but not the most healthy. 
I want to live. I drew in my journal the other day a picture of myself in prison. For I am in prison, being tormented by my own body. I am in prison, being tormented by missing out on the many things others normally do. I am in prison...

While I firmly believe God has a use for my prison term, my cell in this house, in bed with a thin blanket to cover when fever chills hit, I sometimes still despair. I am but a weak human, and without God's great strength and glory I would be utterly destroyed. Physically I may be in a prison. And at times I may let my heart be crushed by that imprisonment---but truly I am indeed free by the grace of God, even if the rest of my earthly life is spent being tormented by my body and the ever-invading torture of jealousy at those who do get to live. Pride may be dead, but jealousy is my enemy; one to be ignored viciously.

All glory, honor and power be to the Lord our God; let us indeed praise His holy Name throughout all eternity. Come also, Lord, save us from this broken world.