Pavement

I still can't believe how exhausting pain is. Today was last patch day for my slow release pain medication skin patch (which has the odd warning against chewing it like gum). Last-pain-patch-day is horrible nine times out of ten. My pain is often out of control, I cannot think or comprehend what people are saying or want of me. Everything is extremely irritating and irrelevant. The house is on fire? Oh. Can you please kill all the smoke alarms? 
I cannot stay awake. All attempts leave me more ill and asleep in a chair at the kitchen table...or glaring angrily at all about me as I slump over myself. 

At the moment, four hours after a new patch, I am revelling in the release of mind numbing pain and fever. Life is literally pouring through my veins and synapses rather than the thick sludge of horror earlier. I had the first conversation with my poor husband of the day that was more that nodding or saying "yes, no, ok, or nothing" to his requests to assist me. A good long conversation with him is something I also revel in, because there are so many days I can't. I just don't even understand what is going on. 

I used to be quite proud of my brains. I might not have gotten perfect grades due to poor testing skills, but the information was well soldered into my brain. I recall now the verse on not being proud of human knowledge, for human wisdom is foolishness. Now I cannot be proud of my knowledge and brains, because they fail me on a weekly basis. Simple things do not make sense, as my brain is overwhelmed by pain signals and fevers. 
I often think of Paul, who asked God to remove the pain from his side...and it was to be the thing which keeps him from becoming conceited. 

Many troubles I have had. Many sorrows. Yet, like all of us, I managed to be proud of certain achievements---most of which are useless in the Kingdom. I think now that I am given my illness so as to have what pride I have left whittled away. Pride is the god which led us to decide to be our own little godletts. It is the mastermind to lead us away from God. 

Suffering is indeed not fair, fun or enjoyable. I for one have many days where I do not see how I might stand a lifetime of this disease and the likely conditions it will cause. Yet I have gotten to increase my knowledge of God many times over---something I had wanted to do but had not the "time". I have made many dear friends who face the same trials of disease and despair as myself. 

Suffering changes us, makes us leave behind the things of earth and onto things of greater importance. A joke I heard the other day is a good example for our focusing on godly things rather than humanly things:
"A man who was very wealthy was very disturbed at the idea of not being able to take his wealth with him. So he discussed the matter with God. Gid, after debating, agreed that just this once someone could indeed bring his wealth with him. The man spent the rest of his time gathering and changing money he earned into gold. In time, the man died and stood before the pearly gates with his bag of gold. Peter looked at him and the bag and was about to object when the man said he was allowed to bring the bag with him into heaven. Peter looked into the bag, and said: Alright....but why did you bring pavement stones?"

So.you see....the things we see as so important here really are very useless for us in the future. We should dwell on things of heaven, not things of human. We must take our sufferings and use them as a tool to remember God, and see.the good things that do happen because of them. 
Glory to God, peace to us all.