Purpose in Life

"The Deceiver will whisper: "You failure! You are now of no use to God!"...Experiencing God Devotional by Henry T Blackaby and Richard Blackaby.

While this particular section is actually speaking of the guilty taint of sin...I can't help think how it applies to so many other areas. Fear (admittedly a sin of sorts) crippled me for years, keeping me from possibly serving where I might have; but having knowledge of that absolute Terror that once held me completely captive has given me the ability to speak to people others are afraid to talk to. I, who have experienced such fears and won over 90 per cent of them, willingly speak to those with depression and anxiety issues, and even those of the schizophrenic nature do not generally distress me...I met many nurses who quivered in their scrubs at facing these poor souls. So while I was "no use" supposedly for some time, it was indeed a lie.
Now...I feel exponentially "no use". I am literally bed ridden. If up too long I will literally slump out of a chair onto the floor. I fall asleep sitting up. How can I be of any use? To anyone? Ever again? I may as well be tossed into the corner and forgotten. 
My passion is always compassion, empathy and sympathy...here there is little I can do. I have to be ok with that, because I know without a doubt God will use my illness for some good. The issue is time. Time always takes too long for us in the "mortal" setting. 
For instance: a week ago, I could be up all day long, as long as I sat and rested every 2-4 hours. The last four days I have barely been able to sit up without my pain skyrocketing and making me so very sick. How is that useful? How will that ever be useful? 
I do not know. But I asked that for ten years earlier, and was useful to many people because of what I learned. I will wait, if God gives me the strength to wait. 

"Jesus recognized that no ordinary love could motivate Him to go to the cross. No human love could keep Him perfectly obedient to His Father throughout His life. Only His Father's love was powerful enough to compel Him to commit His life to the saving purpose of His Father. Jesus prayer that God would place this same love in His disciples." same as opening quote

Few will die for unknown people. Loved ones, yes...but how many, as Jesus asked, will die for strangers? Better, how many would die for those who hate you? 

I am so much more empowered to face this horrible situation I am in if I ask one thing: Give me the strength. Give me the peace. 
I need the strength of that love, the strength of God to continue on my daily battle. Who doesn't? The world is such a hard wretched place, whether you are stuck in bed or stuck behind a counter.
I am mortal...I need the help, because I simply do NOT have the strength to fight this day in and day out with the possibility that 60 years from now I will still be bed bound, massively disfigured, with possible organ damage. It isn't something that, for me apparently, can be well controlled by diet. I pray that my new medication that I see the doctor about on Feb 10th will put me in remission....but that medication will likely be overwhelmed by my immune system at some point. Almost all autoimmune medications are. It was so devastating to learn these things...something nursing textbooks do not mention. Most medical sites do not mention either. 

God has blessed me. How can that be, with what you are saying? I do live in a time of more treatment options...and the government has demanded 10 drug companies find a better treatment for RA. They should...almost all of us 4 million with it end up on disability because of poor work attendance due to illness...even with FMLA/MLA stuff. That's a lot of money. 
I am well taken care of, and fairly comfortable. My husband bought me two huge body pillows which help a lot.  I can take up residence of the basement, which is 65 degrees, and keeps me more comfortable than any place in the home because it helps with the episodes of fever-sweating-cold that I have on my worse days. It helps with the rib inflammation that makes breathing painful because the cool air is soothing.
So...while I am miserable, I am blessed...and I am my Father's dear child, whom He stays with through the watches of the night, dries my silent tears when I cannot take it anymore, whispers His Holy Word into my mind in the darkest of times, and guards my heart, provides pain relief when I ask, gives me peace and even joy when I ask. I could not take it without Him.