Pure Pain

There is nothing worse. Nothing worse than oversleeping a dose of pain medication. The absolute misery in which you wake is really indescribable. But I am a writer, so I will. 
You can't breathe. Partially because your ribs are inflamed from your disease, and partially because of the pain. You can't move, but also can't sit still. Your highest desire is to writhe, but that does not help, so you lay still. Desperation to have your pain medication work makes tears rise to your eyes and you focus on the fact that when this episode of Lavern and Shirley is done (which DVD has been playing ALL night) the meds should work.
Then they don't. You waited too long. It will be an hour before the meds sneak through the delusional fog you are now in because of the pain. If someone asks you a question at this point....you either won't answer because one, you don't know what they asked exactly, and two, you cannot figure out an appropriate response. Well, other than screaming. 
When relief hits, it is like finally breaking the surface of water when diving. Relief flows through the body. Breathing returns.

That is the amount of pain I have. I always avoided medications. I pushed through having dental implants with just ibuprofen. This is beyond all that. I never understood the pain that RA patients had. I would, as a nurse, not see how it could hurt so much. I now know...and I would say without pain meds the patient (as I have seen a few, not myself) acts like a person with bone cancers, which are among the most painful.

So why don't I turn my back on God? I feel so like Job sometimes. I cannot. This illness is but one of many hard things I have dealt with...and God has always been the one safe constant. I have not even found myself disappointed in Him once, even if His plan is not to heal me, or provide me with the various wishes I have. He is not a genie. He is a God, the God...and He knows what is best...I do not think He sent this illness to me, from my readings in the Bible, I do not think He sends "bad" things. The evil one asks permission to send them, and is granted the ability. Why? I think because God knows with great pride that we can withstand it. I think that when we stand firm in the faith of our King, we cause such despair among the legions of the fallen that it cannot be described. Our life is such a spiritual battle, really...even the seemingly physical portions. 
I do not pretend to like having RA. I hate it with a passion. But God is right beside me, holding my hand, keeping legions at bay...I am always fascinated by the poor man who was possessed by so many evil spirits that the man stated his name was Legion, because there were so many. That poor soul had to be so much more tortured than I can fathom...and God keeps those beings away from me. I have asked Him, and have found a slight decrease in pain. It is minimal, but any decrease is a huge blessing. I sometimes wonder how much illness is not exactly the body,,,but something else stirring around.