Complaints

Today, like many days, is a day that I find disheartening. The days when I sleep most of the time find me, when I awake, disgruntled and disturbed by attempting to figure out if it is night or day, disappointed with the thought of how long I may face my disease. 
I am not suicidal. But I already, after only a little more than a year and a half, cannot clearly remember a time when my disease was less active. I know, now, that it was always there. I would hazard a guess that I had symptoms at the age of six---most assuredly by the age of ten, when my heat intolerance began in earnest. I look at what I was able to do with the sense of hearing about a different person entirely. Did I drive a car all about the county, all day? Surely not.... Oh, that is nice,  I would do things like that...

I lay tonight, finally cooled by the touch of night against the tide of inflammation fever, considering all of this, and considering Paul. Paul, of course, faced his long list of near deaths and pain for the sake of Christ, but further considered his teachings and efforts with the addition of some ailment. At this point in my life, anyone who can continue on while in pain, emotional and or physical is indeed of good courage. 
I thought too of how we say we cannot go on, whether it is because of illness, trauma of the heart, or just a bad day.  I say, at times, I cannot go on to live with this amount of pain....and as I thought that, another thought flew into my head: we state often that we cannot continue some form of suffering. We rarely say we cannot continue some sort of sin. We just continue, like as not, to act in the same sinful manner. I can read the Law, which while impossible for any human to reach, I consider to be in action and something to obey to honor God. Therefore, as I read it, I squirm as sins come unspoken into my mind. It gives me the chance to apologize for them, but further to see how in need I am of a Saviour. Obviously, except in those cases of unknowing sin (which still, by the Law, was covered with a separate sacrifice----who knows what atrocities we have committed unknowingly), I may have chosen to continue on in sin. 

I was reading in Numbers the other day. I enjoyed the command for the People to wear the blue tassels at the edges of garments. The purpose was to remember His commands, a constant reminder. I love that...a good reason to wear a cross, without its becoming some sort of thing to worship. A reminder to obey, to honor Him in all our actions. For me, wearing a cross was a way to just remember God anyway, and, in desperation, hold onto it with all my heart as if I could hold His great pierced hand.  

Incredible, too...how determined we can be in sin. My distress over pain, the attitude I can have, is not always good. And I know from experience I can turn to God and find much relief but seemingly "forget". 
We often say, "oh, but if God were right here, it would be no effort to deny sin. It would be easier to remember Him, call on Him." Lies. All lies. 
The People were encamped with the Lord of Lords, the God of all as a fiery cloud IN SIGHT and still sinned. Even so far as complaining about God to Moses and Aaron. We need no space from God to sin. We can make that choice with Him in sight. 

Thankfully, He is indeed loving and gracious. In my complaints, I know He forgives. I know He understands that pain, having taken on much more on the cross. I have found in all my life that the King is beyond description in all ways, but especially, for me, in His ways of comforting and loving----His continual willingness to provide strength and peace are but half a prayer away...