I hate RA. In case you have not noticed. I feel as if I am imprisoned by my own body---I look back past this 1 year, 9 months of harsh RA-reality to my past "life"...and cannot even imagine doing what I did then. I desperately miss it. I was limited then, too, by exhaustion, but how I long to be free.
I now have a greater love, as I have said before, of Anne Frank's diary. I read it every day, or nearly. Now I am reading Bonhoeffer's letters and papers from prison, and how they speak to me. The idea of imprisonment is very real to me. Naturally, I am not facing death threats (unless my body succeeds in killing me), but there is the limiting effects of disease upon me.
I had a mild flare last night. We had a weather change, and fairly obvious "dead" thunderstorms above us. I imagine the pressure change was enough to cause the misery I was in last night. Little sleep came my way, as I fought my feet, knees, hands, elbows and shoulders. Oh! How my shoulders hurt! I awoke every hour to two hours throughout the night....yet not awake enough to be able to read a book, just awake enough to be irritated at being awake. I needed medication every four hours on the dot, while normally I sleep through the night.
Flares, or weather-change-days, are very trying. They swoop down upon my spirit, attacking my mood to a deep point of melancholy. I then bemoan my existence, bemoan every aspect of my life...it takes a great deal of effort to not snap at everyone and everything for being irritating, grating, exhausting. And then, with any hint of flare, is a sense of horror. How long will this one last? A few days? A week? A month? Two?
There are four types of flares. I have the one (without being on meds) that is a steady flare, with mild ups and downs. Some people will have flares and remissions. I do not, not without therapy.
Also....as a finishing side note: I cannot eat nuts. They make me hurt. So apparently eggs and nuts are out.
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