Cannot Love.

Finding God.   L.  Crabb

We cannot and will not love anyone but ourselves until we meet God in a way that stirs us to race after Him with single-minded intensity, until our deepest desire is to get to know Him better

With RA there is less searching for love from others...illness clouds that search. If love is there from others, it is thanked for mightily, gladly accepted and returned as best as possible......but the illness holds back the active searching for love from others as might otherwise be searched out---that ache of being "unloved" is not as easily fibbed to us by evil ones who wish to belie the truth.
I ask God still for healing. For decreased symptoms. Yet I do not feel angered at Him when He continues to say "no". I do not understand the reason for any "no" from our Lord...but God is not a benevolent rich uncle, who showers gifts to his nieces and nephews and the peasants on the streets. He loves us, oh, so much deeper than ever we might understand. 
His love is not a love clouded, but a pure and holy love. He can allow things in our lives, all while loving us more intensely than anyone else, because He is God. He can see what will happen, and things leading to His good and holy end, even when allowing hard and horrible things. 
We may scream that that is unfair, but as His dialogue spins at the end of Job, who are we to ask questions? We, who chose at the beginning of this age to turn our backs on God, deserve much worse than we have been given.
Our Father did not leave us in the cold, we of prodigal blood. He allowed, by the whole-hearted admittance of  our sins and acceptance of His blood, that we might come in out of the rain of sin, which has spattered our faces for generations. 
While we stand here, still on this planet, we are besieged on all sides by sin. Sin has flowed like rivers, tainting everything, leaving marks on genetic code, seeping through generations. We may be forgiven, given the strength of our Lord to withstand this flood, but until Paradise, we will not escape it's evil taint. 
God is not, again, a benevolent uncle. He does not need to give us our every wish---it would not benefit us at any rate. He does love us, and will wrap us in His arms, holding us dear. His Spirit is within us, warming us when things are hard, teaching us how to go, which is the best path. His Son has died and risen for us, so making Death die for us, and granting us full adoption into His family. We are most beloved, and we ought to make it our priority to know God for who He is...something that will never be finished. I look forward to eternity learning about God and His love.