In Confidence

Finding God.    L. Crabb

God's peace belongs to those who have confidence in His goodness even when life is tough and their self-esteem is low.

Check out Ps 25.4-6; Ps 25.14; Ps 25.14. You can use the link at the left of screen to use the Blue Letter Bible or the BibleGateway websites for quick results.

While I now look back at my life and see how RA has been active in lesser amounts for the past 15+ years....my chronic nausea, heat intolerance, lack of interest in playing hard games that involved running....and the weirdest one I have recently recalled: the fact that there were days I could run so fast, and then a week later ran like a "wounded cow". I always gave up running within ten feet; there was no reason, I was running slower than a walk. I figure now that my knees were too swollen to give action. So. Looking back, RA led to a lot of problems that made other things in my life worse. However, there is still a "blessing" with diseases.
Over the summer, I have been blessed by God to have been more active and mobile. I even started working on getting places, but I still have to learn how to do it on not-so-good days. It was such a joy to water plants for my parents' in the greenhouses. Have things burst into bloom, smell the heliotrope, the nasturtiums, expand the collection of succulents and cacti. I got the joy of managing to go to town and stop and two stores with my mother---although by the end of the last store I was limping so bad that people 40 years older were letting the "child" pass. I was half laughing that I walked so slow, and hobbling around as bad as any ill-placed hip replacement.
Anyway, that is not especially the point of this post. Apparently it has become the point. I digress. The last week and a half or so has been a full-on, bed-bound, didn't-eat-for-a-week flare. It is the worst one can feel, short of what I have seen some cancer patients. There is this stupor one falls into because of how sick one feels---so similar to bad flues. I usually have 2 degrees higher than my normal temp thrown in.
There is this terror that also hits. Usually when you are feeling some better and can think. A terror of living the rest of your life this sick. Having support systems fall away. It is such a terror as can't be matched by most things I have faced to now.
Last night was a tearful one for me. I have been missing a lot of important to me things that I wanted to attend, and I have been so sick....then the terror I mentioned above hit me like a rock. I try not to cry with RA because it makes flares worse or causes a re-flare.
I was having so much trouble just trying to go to sleep, knowing more rest would help. It dawned on me, as I have not done as much study--being outside a lot of the summer (thank you Lord!!), that I should pray.
It is so amazing how, when we crawl in on our last breath, God so swiftly answers. Peace is something He is so willing to give. I always think, when we are so filled with fear, whispers of horrible things, horrible thoughts, that there is a demonic presence or presences. Fear does not come from our heavenly Father...what good parent wants to terrify a child? Jumping out and saying "Boo!" is one thing, but having one's child in terror is another.
Our dear Lord, Counselor, Savior does not want that from us. He is ever-willing to send off evil ones, and, I imagine like any Father, smooth the hair from the forehead of a scared child, and offer a holy kiss.
He has allowed my illness, and I do not know why. There are many blessings in a disease---this one having the chance to relax after working hard, going to school...I get the blessing of having time to study His Word, something there was never enough time for.
He may allow a hard thing to happen, but that does not mean He leaves alone to handle it. If we want to stick to His side, making Holy choices regarding what we do, and remaining humble, He will always be there. He can give us His strength to face the impossible, to face what otherwise would drive us nearly insane with terror, grief, anger. He gives us the ability to stop things that we should not do, to learn how to do what we should. He holds us dearly in His arms, letting us rest from our weary struggles. And one day, one glorious day, we shall hear Him say: "Well done, My good and faithful servant", and every tear shall be dried, every painful memory forgotten.
There is a verse that speaks of God's recording of tears--naturally I cannot think of where. He knows every tear. And He will wipe them from our faces and hearts....I suspect He does some now, since when we ask for peace and help, most tears dry up pretty quickly after that prayer.
Peace from our Lord and Savior be with you.