Endurance

From Larry Crabb.   Finding God

...but two weeks after the accident, I sensed tears that had not yet been shed, tears pressing for a release from an even deeper source than the profound loss I felt over Bill's death. At midnight, I slipped out of bed, reached for my Bible, and headed for the privacy of my study...within seconds of my sitting down, the dam burst. Tears gushed from my eyes and poured down my face. I sobbed, I wailed, I heaved for perhaps 20 minutes...with terrible clarity, I realized that I, along with everyone else, was out of the Garden of Eden and had no way back in. 
I cried to the Lord: "I cannot endure what I know to be true. Life is painful. I am selfish. Everything is intolerable. Nothing satisfied. Nothing brings relief. Sorrow outweighs joy. I cannot go on without knowing You better.

I guess that the truth of these words hit me at a younger age. How can we expect, at any time in our lives, that we are in "Eden"? By all accounts we are in as close to Hell as we will get.
There is no way of handling anything in this world without knowing God more. 
While RA has made it, yet again, abundantly clear that I cannot survive without knowing God, it brought about a different dependence on God than I have had before.
During my time fighting anorexia-like symptoms, I prayed through meals so that I could force bites into my mouth. The dependence on God at that time seemed very deep, very strong. Yet looking back at the dependence I had at that point, it seems different, not exactly shallower, but certainly not with the desperation I have felt with my RA diagnosis.
I think it could be said that different trials bring us to depend on God differently. Or perhaps it is that we are depending on a different part of His Person. I have seen God as Abba, Father much more with my RA, while with my anorexia it was more like He was a protector, driving away evil thoughts. Both a comforting stance, but different. With anorexia we fought together to battle the self destruction; RA I crawl into His loving arms and wait for the comfort of the King to ease my physical pain---we mourn together at the brokenness in the world leading to such illnesses. 

God is waiting for us to search Him out more---and perhaps allowing hard things to happen that we may have that deeper relationship. When that deeper relationship begins to grow...you begin to see glimpses into Paradise. You begin to see, while it is horrible, the suffering begin to pale in comparison with the future. We are not left to battle these hard, terrible things alone. We will spend more time in the arms of the King than in the arms of a broken, half destroyed, screaming world. We will one day stand and hear those glorious words: "Well done, My good and faithful servant."