Vanished

You have this strange sensation as an RA patient. 

When you have a better day, maybe even a day that rings soundly of a day long gone because of the lack of symptoms (these are very rare for me)...you suddenly realize the person you were, the person who laughed then, is not the same person who laughs now. 

That person has vanished. 

And while that sensation feels distressing in a way, due to the fact that the change happened so quickly to me, rather than the normal age/knowledge change that makes a person different over time...there is an aspect to consider. 

We are all vanished creatures. What I mean by that is this: we are dead to sin, we are a new creature in Christ. For me, I only get to feel that and the difference after I pray for help to stop a sin or realize that I have committed a sin and asked for forgiveness. I feel with time that that sinful person vanishes---and that is a relief. 
Others get the chance to see what life was like as a lost person who finds salvation and accepts it; to be free from the evil of the world (in the sense that we are able to sense with the Spirit evil so long as we do not hush the Spirit). They truly get the chance to feel the vanishing of the old person, the sinful dead creature they were before. This is met with great joy, wonderful feelings, completely indescribable freedom from the wretched state that was life before. 

There are those days I mourn for the person I was, who vanished so suddenly. The practicing nurse, the busy wife who could more easily have dates with her sweet husband, the friend laughing with her "sisters"' babies and toddlers...today being one of those days. 
But, there still is joy in that while I have vanished, and a new person has replaced most of what I was, I have found new things that do empower me. 
I have written this blog, fairly faithfully, in the hopes that others may find comfort in it---either those with RA, family/friends of RA sufferers, and non-RA people. 
I have begun projects to try and change treatment and management of RA if I can. 
I have more time with my parents, probably more than I have had in some time due to college and work. 
I see my sisters more, and their kids more, because I am home more. 
Best of all, the chance to study the Word, good authors/pastors...a thing I have been wanting to do for several years but had too many college courses to manage to fit it in as well as I would have liked. 

So while my reader may have "vanished" as well....whether from chronic illness, depression after a death or even birth, hard times in some way that have changed you to the point you do not recognize yourself...I believe that God will show you something to be grateful for if you write a list. I think that He will show you that sometimes these things allow for a deeper relationship with Him. That sort of deepening makes struggles much easier.
However, you may still be questioning as to how, why, etc., did this happen to you? I do not know. I do not know why I, after feeling as though God wanted me to be a nurse, was stopped from practicing 1 1/2 years after graduation/certification. 
 I do think of the story of Lazarus, and that Jesus wept. He had allowed the death so that the glory of God could be more apparent, but Jesus wept. I am considering now that He weeps with us, when we weep---like a mother may after having to punish her child and making the child upset, but still keeping the child from sticking fingers into an aunt's uncovered plug-ins. I think He weeps, He so wants to gather us under His wings, protect us....and I am fascinated with the ideas I have read that our bad times may not be as bad as they could have been and that we may see the other option in Paradise.
 Just think of how He may have protected us---those close calls in cars, while walking or biking someplace and a scary person passes you by. He does care...it's just that sin is rampant, desirable, contagious, and everywhere, and by our own choice so very long ago. But He is there, and will never leave you to fight these things. He always has His arms around you.