gods

 lay here in my latest, and probably worst flare in some time, considering my disease. Difficult to not do so in this position. RA has a way of finding out the jealousy that lives in us all. Before this I perhaps was busy enough or "happy" enough, like the rest of us, to delude myself into thinking I wasn't all that jealous. Ha!

Jealousy is easily hidden....sneaking out at times when we think it's a minor thing. As women, our jealousy is of those who have a boyfriend, fiancee, husband, babies. We may have others, but those are the big ones. 

Let me tell you there is a whole 'nother ball park when you hit an RA diagnosis. Your life stops, and what you did stops. There are some of us who manage to struggle on, or cases who are managed easily by diet and meds. Who you are vanishes,and is replaced with a steroid-fat, nauseated limping being who would like, on most days, to slap someone. Just for slapping purposes.

fortunately I have resisted this temptation.

The jealousy I have for what others are doing was there all along. We all have that evil just waiting for a chance to erupt. Jealousy may be about one thing or many, but is still consuming given the timing. We have to watch ourselves; watch that we aren't fixing it in our minds that we have a right to jealousy, a right for those feelings. 

Like everything else in this sinful, broken world, we cannot do this alone. I cannot fight my jealous feelings that have awoken because of my illness. It is certainly no one's fault that I am sick.  Jealousy will become your god, the desires for things will become an overwhelming obcession, right up to the point of driving some to suicide. Who has won then? Certainly not ourselves, as we have long given into a new ruler. We have  tried, perhaps unknowingly, to silence our good Father by lustful, wistful desires for things and relationships not needed. 

  I must strive above to godliness, asking God and my dear Father for help. Help will come, and not always as we expect. It may be we do get a sudden answer from Him for our deepest wishes. It may be He says no to them. But, and this is the biggest point, He will not abandon us, dragging us into deeper, more luscious dreams of things that never happen or else  as the dreadful jealousy god will. He, as He said, gives us living water. It is not so much that we get an answer....it's the fact that the Creator of the universe, the Lord of all, gives us living water, satisfying us so deeply that no desire beyond Him will be in our hearts and souls. With His Counselor at our side 24/7, we will manage everything, no matter how hard it is.. for He reigns, and His rule is much more satisfactory than anything on earth. Seek Him. Not jealousy.