Heavy Hearts

My heart has been especially heavy. One, I have not been as deeply seated in my studies which always has a negative affect on my level of melancholia. Two....I am days away from "celebrating" two years of illness. An entire college degree in illness. I suppose I ought to award or create degrees. ASRA could be my added degree: associate in science, rheumatoid arthritis. 
As I say, my heart is especially heavy.
We might think, in the heaviest of heartache, that we remain alone in that sorrow. And yet, we should also recall how His heart ached in Gethsemane. He faced the terrible beyond any we might face. For when He faced the cross, He was forsaken as we deserved.  
My own heart may weigh heavy...and often I may mourn the pointlessness of illness. Yet there you are, reader, reading the words I share, and, hopefully, effected for the better.
There are times I long for night. I never was one to long for night. Darkness terrifies me. Yet I now, especially when most miserable, long for night. Then, when the house is quiet with the soft sighs of family sleeping, my mind quiets. Jeanne Guyon writes that the most difficult part of being before God is quieting the mind. She says the mind has a natural (sinful) inclination to be distracted. 
How very true. For me, my studying is interrupted because in good days i run until I have no energy and go to sleep. on bad days, I sleep all day. Therefore, I've no "time" to seek God. 
Oh, sinful world! How quickly we leave His yoke, running about as we see best! Perhaps what we are doing is not blatantly sinful...and yet it is. For we have neglected to make every action and thought devoted to Him throughout our day. Was everything today done for, and, more importantly, with God?          
However, no matter how forgetful we are towards Him, He keeps calling us. At times gently, at others urgently. Often as soon as we open the door, He is there, arms outstretched, glowing with love...and perhaps a hint of sadness at the state of creation.  
At all costs we have to make Him the center of our lives. As I know only too well from my decreased studying...my heart begins to suffer mightily. I simply cannot survive the torment of illness, jealousy of other's "alive-ness",  and all the rest. When He, the Life of all life, is at the center of my life, i live. Even at my most ill moments, my most miserable hours, when He is the center of every neuronal synapse, I live. I am more alive when asleep for days if He is my main focus than if I were climbing Mt Everest. 
The world lies and manipulates what is "life", constantly making us dissatisfied with every portion of our lives. We are not rich enough, smart enough, gadget-filled pockets enough, beautiful enough, thin/fat enough...even if you are not facing a trial per se, something will catch your attention as a god.
The only long-lasting, true happiness is indeed Him. The happiest, most relaxed people I have met, even in the midst of misery,  are those who faithfully kept their yoke on. They fought to always keep that connection to God, to point out He was and is their King. Whereas the most miserable people....were those who were covering up their misery with other gods, numbing the pain of no God by using drugs or similar things. 
We are made to be with God. It is against our nature  to be without Him. So of course we have no strength without Him.  Open the door, put on the yoke. It's so soothing and wonderful to be in His presence, to take on His "light and easy" load. For it most assuredly is light and easy in comparison.