I have been having a lot of ups and downs with my RA--flares for about 4 days, "health" for 3. I am trying so desperately to do something else with my life besides be home, struggling to do even the simplest things...things I used to do with ease, things that I did without contemplating the effort needed.
I have looked into the schooling I will likely need if ever I go back to nursing. Giving up nursing has to be one of the hardest things of RA. I so heart-wrenchingly do NOT want to stop...I figured I would manage to get enough control of RA, like someone with diabetes, that I could do more things and not have the worst sickness overwhelming me as I try. I stopped nursing nearly 2 years ago...and my time is nearly up for holding a license and not working. I was so sure that I would be "free" of RA, or have it under control, by now. It does not seem to be happening.
I want to help in my family. Take care of my family. Take care of others like I trained so hard to do. I spent two years working so hard in nursing school...and now it seems like such a waste of time. Worked so hard, and now I cannot seem to do it. I nearly wish that I had not bothered paying to keep my license this last year and already went to "inactive" status. While I could do so now...I am gripping so hard to not loose that slip of paper. Perhaps if I had already given up (and I could "reactivate" it) I would not feel so desperate to somehow manage to work as an RN. I so love nursing. I just cannot do it. And I hate the judgement from the world because I am not working.
If I had children, I would have some relaxation against not working...but as it is, the world sees me as a lazy person, who collects free money (which I don't). I worked so hard to be a nurse...and it has been ripped from my hands. I can't even drive a car on a day-to-day basis. How can I be a nurse? I can't drive to a job site. And as far as I have looked, no telecommunication job as a nurse will hire me because I only got to work a year as a nurse.
So I think I will go have a good cry...
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