Couldn't Look Past

Secret Strength, J. E. Tada
He couldn't see past his disability.

While this quote spoke of a man so focused on his paralysis that he could not see God...It struck a different note for me.

I have decided that disabilities are not just those one gets a parking placard for, or receives funding for. No, disabilities are those things that keep us from seeing, seeking, loving God.
Indeed, one must focus on a sin or fault to an extent to battle it to submission; one cannot focus fully on it. 

When I was more heavily fighting terrible anxiety/depression, I could not dwell on the fact I was fighting. If I thought of the battle I was fighting, how far I had to go, and all the little set backs, the Monster became too great in my eyes. I could no longer reach for God. Instead, the Monster was fed, growing on a version of worship by awareness. 
Instead, I had to think of my disability as that moment. At that moment was I going to think about the fear that clutched my heart so badly I could not breathe? Or was I going to cry out to God, begging for help, and feel His answering presence of peace and strength? To see my Monster diminish to a manageable level that my Father and I would destroy? 
I face a new disability now. A physical one. Again, I must make the choice of whether I am going to focus on my disability with the likely years of pain/misery, and thus give it the power of my worship to become a god...or I can fight in the moment by choosing God's presence to battle my Monster alongside my Father. With the latter choice, although I may indeed face years of illness, I have already won and overcome with God giving me strength---not becoming cowed by my disability. Perhaps I will still be unable to do many things...but I destroyed a god which is surely worth much.