I was scrolling over Facebook, admiring everyone's babies, trips and what-have-you...and began mulling over things.
I am near my 1 year anniversary of being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I wish I wasn't. I am so very worn out of being sick...and trying to figure out how to force myself to go places when I will start melting into a puddle of nausea and ick and terrible pain. I want to be able to at least (new goal) be able to go see family and friends. Once a week. At this point, while I am greatly relieved to be able to get up and be up almost all day (3 or 4 is my give out time)...when before I spent months and months laying on my couch/bed. It is wonderful to be up, to see people and be able to have visitors...
I am just so tired of being sick. I am mostly patient with it now, having had a year of practice. But I wanted to have children, and at this point I could not adequately take care of them. You can't have a mama that falls asleep in a chair without meaning to.
I want to be able to clean house without having to stop after ten or fifteen minutes and rest another hour to be sure of no joint damage.
But. I am here. I am better. I am 25% of the person I was physically a year ago. Spiritually...much more. And that last part has made the illness and the horrible-ness of this disease worth it. There are just a few things I wish I had.
I will be putting my license on an "inactive" status. My nursing license can be inactive for three years, and then if I reactivate after that, I have to take a renewal course. I don't want to make it inactive, I want to be a nurse. I love nursing. But my body cannot do what is required. Maybe, maybe if I had not worked so hard after school, been a part time nurse...my body may have lasted longer. But it was inevitable. I could see the RA coming. Joint pain was there, mildly, sleeplessness...exhaustion. I just never knew this was such a hard disease, having met patients that were not sick at all.
Again, as I say, I am very grateful for my blessings: parents, siblings, dear dear friends, my most loving husband, and his family are so wonderful to me. God has indeed provided people for me. And I can never thank anyone who has helped, visited, or anything enough. Even my readers make me feel more loved...so thanks for reading, and we will continue with a nurse's rheumatoid and God experience. Peace upon you all.
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