Exhaustion

With rheumatoid arthritis, and for that matter most autoimmune diseases, comes enormous, unpredictable and thoroughly exhausting exhausted exhaustion. The sort of sleep that makes you sleep nearly 3 days solid. The body is at war with itself.
Without proper spiritual "rest", we too will wither and fall "asleep", making us prey to wandering temptations. I imagine that, considering how very different we are in personalities, spiritual gifts etc., that our version of rest is different. What works for me to rest my spirit and fill it may not be what works for you.
Viewing God's creation gives me a large amount of rest. It fills me with the wonder and majesty that this, although broken, beautiful world. Plants, stars, animals...science wonders like cells and how babies develop drive such wonder into me that it can give me such rest.
After developing this disease, I found that there were more ways that gave me rest...I had read the Bible through in a major spiritual crisis after being poisoned by the arguments of others...and had found the locking verse for me (it is located in the Bible Verses section to the right). And while the Word has always been helpful and empowering....the power in the Word, or studying about the Word is so incredibly powerful that there are no words for me to use. It is the Word. The Word of God, and it is alive and breathes and encircles us, showing God's incredible, dazzling love for us, His commands to help make life a little easier...but that love and power is enough to blast me into orbit. I cannot say why that has changed so, but with the desperation I clung (and cling) to God to survive this disease, it makes me think of how Peter must have clung to Jesus when being pulled from the sea.
I normally do not particularly like paintings of Jesus...mainly for the worry that it gives the wrong impression about who and what the Messiah is. I do not really mind if others have them, but they are not my favorite. Currently, however, as my desktop image, is a piece of art that is all that I can say I feel at this point. It is of Him, standing on the water...but the view is looking up at Him from under the water, as He is bent over, His hand is the only thing truly defined because of the water distortion. He is reaching into the water, where I am drowning, to pull me up.
In times of crisis, particularly the "harder" ones, that image is really what we feel. First we were walking on the water toward Jesus, and then whatever happened happens. It is not so much that we meant to drop our gaze, drop our faith, but the exhaustion of the devastation is such that we fall, so much pain (mental, physical what-have-you) warps our minds and we forget even that He is there. We cry out to Him, and it may seem like forever before He provides assistance...but that is because we are under the water and cannot breathe. If we are still, listening for Him, we know that He is right there, and will be there any moment, reaching down to pull us up, and help us into the boat again. Sometimes the walk to that boat is longer than others, a longer period before the crisis is over. And sometimes....sometimes the crisis is never over, but He helps us like a lame man, and He will never leave us, but carry us on until we reach the boat....or even Paradise.