Cannot Love.

Finding God.   L.  Crabb

We cannot and will not love anyone but ourselves until we meet God in a way that stirs us to race after Him with single-minded intensity, until our deepest desire is to get to know Him better

With RA there is less searching for love from others...illness clouds that search. If love is there from others, it is thanked for mightily, gladly accepted and returned as best as possible......but the illness holds back the active searching for love from others as might otherwise be searched out---that ache of being "unloved" is not as easily fibbed to us by evil ones who wish to belie the truth.
I ask God still for healing. For decreased symptoms. Yet I do not feel angered at Him when He continues to say "no". I do not understand the reason for any "no" from our Lord...but God is not a benevolent rich uncle, who showers gifts to his nieces and nephews and the peasants on the streets. He loves us, oh, so much deeper than ever we might understand. 
His love is not a love clouded, but a pure and holy love. He can allow things in our lives, all while loving us more intensely than anyone else, because He is God. He can see what will happen, and things leading to His good and holy end, even when allowing hard and horrible things. 
We may scream that that is unfair, but as His dialogue spins at the end of Job, who are we to ask questions? We, who chose at the beginning of this age to turn our backs on God, deserve much worse than we have been given.
Our Father did not leave us in the cold, we of prodigal blood. He allowed, by the whole-hearted admittance of  our sins and acceptance of His blood, that we might come in out of the rain of sin, which has spattered our faces for generations. 
While we stand here, still on this planet, we are besieged on all sides by sin. Sin has flowed like rivers, tainting everything, leaving marks on genetic code, seeping through generations. We may be forgiven, given the strength of our Lord to withstand this flood, but until Paradise, we will not escape it's evil taint. 
God is not, again, a benevolent uncle. He does not need to give us our every wish---it would not benefit us at any rate. He does love us, and will wrap us in His arms, holding us dear. His Spirit is within us, warming us when things are hard, teaching us how to go, which is the best path. His Son has died and risen for us, so making Death die for us, and granting us full adoption into His family. We are most beloved, and we ought to make it our priority to know God for who He is...something that will never be finished. I look forward to eternity learning about God and His love.

These Dogs are Driving Me Insane, Little by Little

We have mini schnauzers...although only one is likely a true "schnauzer" by AKC standards. The others are this breed that some schnauzer breeders are trying to create: a "toy" schnauzer. They are breeding in and adding a little color to the standard salt and pepper, black...liver and white, merle and whites, platinums (gotta say best non-black one) etc.,etc. Zoe is the traditional black schnauzer, but the coat is wrong. Soft, little of the over coat schnauzers usually carry. Noah/Mister has what is called a "supercoat", and is strongly desired in these toys. Consider one of those uber soft, thick blankets. That is his coat. Gracie...oh Gracie. She is the hyper one. I figure poodle got into her, as she looks more like a schnoodle than anything. 
Anyway. Schnauzers are in the top 5 "talkative" breeds. And we are in heat. So crank up the barking, whining, howling, snarling, dog-talking noise to about 20. Doesn't matter that normally they all listen, love is in the air. Mister has lost his brain entirely. I think it melted out of his ears one day. Zoe's brains (currently in season), are being scrambled by lobotomy or somethin'. Gracie is just going more insane than before due to the high hysteria. 
These dogs are killing me. Slowly.

Aliens in a Strange Place

Finding God.   L. Crabb

Christians, however, are citizens of another world; in this one we are strangers, aliens, and pilgrims...we endure hardships to serve Him because we love Him and are confident f His promise to bless us.....Although we claim citizenship in Heaven, we live like locals.

I have often been an outcast in this world. Partially RA symptoms popping up in my tween years  adding to the issues, and partly because of who I was, then, at that time.
Those years, while difficult, gave me a deeper understanding of what it means to not be a citizen of this world. It gave me a chance to learn to lean upon God, to handle harder and harder things up to this very day.  I learned how the love of God really does fill one up to the point one could be on a desert island and be at peace. 
To be 100% focused on God is the hardest part of this life here. There are more distractions, possibly, now in this time than ever before. We don't read the Bible after supper aloud after supper next to the fire while the women and girls knit or sew to keep the family warm, or while the boys work on their boots to keep them sturdy for another year. No, we spend many (most? all?) evenings watching TV, playing xBox/Wii, catching up on that Kindle book with the wild romance, preparing for college courses or other courses. "Relaxing" from work, we all call it. 
A fib we are telling ourselves, telling God. You know that urgent stirring that says "read the Word; take knowledge of Me," and we brush it off until we "finish this chapter", at which point the dog throws up on the carpet. 
We manage to come up with a long list of things, things too important right now. Things of this world. I admit guilt myself to watching a movie, or being in the middle of my favorite series of books, feeling that stirring. Really, you need to do it. Fight aside that longing for other things, pause the movie, bookmark the book, and devour the Word. At those times, I find, there may be such an outpouring of what I really needed to hear from a loving Father, that you totally forget what other book or movie that had your attention. 
I have not done much studying the last month because of the flares; I am hoping today will be a more cooperative day. Writing these blog posts from notes I took many months earlier give a great lift to my spirit...taking notes from books is harder because of managing the book itself, pen and paper. My body is just not up to holding so many things, not to mention thinking.
We must remember to not live like locals. I heard so many things from non-believers about how hypocritical Christians are...and I usually ask for examples. We all do this, sadly, but we will be talking poorly about a fellow believer, or we will not be acting in a godly manner...we may have issues with porn addiction/sexual actions not becoming one of the faith, drug addiction...you know the list, and probably, like me, know areas that are flaring up that you know are not a-ok. 
When we continue to act ungodly, unbecoming to one who has "given" one's life to the Creator, we become an embarrassment, to ourselves, to others, and to God. We must work on becoming aliens in a strange place---people who stand out by their faith and honoring of the Lord. We must become fully His, not half-His...not His on Sunday and maybe Monday but definitely not on Friday night. Think first if something is honoring to your Father, if it is loving as one of the brothers and sisters of the Savior. Let us become aliens....for our home is not of this place.

RA Post: just complaining

I don't feel good. Every time I eat I know it was a bad idea. Tonight even popsicles are not sitting well. I get the sugar free ones...when I feel bad they help me keep hydrated, give me a few calories by the juice in them, and sometimes help me feel a little better. Popsicles are an RA girl's best friend. That and zofran.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to be sick. I watch the world spinning by, and I miss everything: weddings, babies, jobs, careers. I get the joy of taking cancer medications without an end date of treatment, or, as it appears to not happen in my family, remission. I am missing what should be the healthiest time in my life, and spending it instead in a fog of pain, nausea and fevers. I am missing so much, and yet so often do not realize or notice because of how bad I feel.
I find out more every day how this disease was tainting my life from childhood. I am so tired, so tired of being tired, tired of being sick.
I won't give up, no. This is just a glimpse into the torture of rheumatoid arthritis.

Belief

In RA and other autoimmune diseases...there is nothing worse than having someone look at you with "liar!" written in their eyes. Having someone else believe that that you are not doing your utmost, that you are not really this ill, etc.
I was considering this late last night as my fever and chills rolled past, and thought of our telling God, really, that He is a liar.
Oh, we don't generally do it in so many words. More likely we are attempting to take the world on our puny little shoulders all by ourselves. Yeah. How'd that go, kid?
When we do those things, becoming yet again our own little god or goddess, we tell God that His saying He will be there for us is a lie. How much that must hurt Him.  Here is Someone who knew us generations before we entered stage right of the world's stage, and Someone that was willing to take on agonies not seen since the beginning of this world, nor to be seen ever again. And we have the nerve to try and walk and talk our way through our existence here.
Generally I have found this thing, this grand idea of doing things on our own, does not last long. Amazingly enough, we shortly find that doing things on our own does not work and is also more miserable than letting God be God rather than ourselves.

RA Post: Just One More Peculiar Thing

Mulling over thoughts the last several days. Shocking, yes, that I was thinking yet again. 
I was thinking how, over the last ten + years (and as they say on Laverne and Shirley: "Did you ever think you'd say anything was ten years ago?" ) how I was a tired social butterfly. I'd go to most any get-together, some I stayed half an hour at, some I'd be one of the last three to leave...signs, one, of RA and fibro flaring, as from one day to the next I had differing energy levels. Massively noticeable energy levels. Massively noticeable health swings. 
I know I complained for several years about being tired. Even so far as to speak to doctors, have blood work done. I was tested for RF (rheumatoid factor--a marker for RA that can be a false positive and a false negative. That is why, technically, one is never fully diagnosed with RA. It is always a "working diagnosis", as there is not even an 80% positive test) with negative results. The same for sed rate (red blood cell settling) and ANA (forgetful RA brain does not recall what this is. Likely no one really cares ;)  ). Nothing was "wrong" with me. 
Now, as I spend most days quietly at home with visitors when I can handle such a thing, I think how odd it is that I am not going stir crazy. Being ill makes that happen---no one wants to visit when they feel horrible. Yet for so many years I managed to make it to some things. 
I miss my dear family-friends....my friends who are so close that I call them sisters, or brothers. "sisters" children I consider nieces and nephews. I love them all---I know the sentaments are returned mightily, even while my presence is missing. The internet is a blessing for the chronically ill. It allows for more contact than might otherwise be available. 
Support groups are available 24/7...my groups have members around the world: England, Australia, South Africa. Someone is there to talk, to listen to the endless complaints an RA sufferer might need to vent. Again, a blessing---and many will be praying for you right then and there, asking God to strengthen and be with the sufferer. 
RA has been teaching me many things. A different outlook on the illnesses my patients faced, the fear of illness, and the strain of illness. I have had the blessing to study the Bible in more depth than I have ever had "time" for before; to absorb ideas of great pastors and authors, to counter ideas not sound with biblical teaching. to find myself in deeper commune with my Lord than ever before. 
I do not want to be sick, and I hope that I will receive total remission...yet I am very grateful for the blessings available to me right here, right now.

The Thin Scars of Healing

Finding God.   L. Crabb

We are passionately determined to make our lives less painful, and we will do whatever it takes to reach this goal in a disappointing, sometimes pleasurable, and maddeningly uncertain world.

Oh, we see this every day. In the news, in our emails, our Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and whatever other social communications we use. Many people decry their own trials, seemingly living a perfect, painless life...while under the surface is a gaping hole filled with pain, rage, terror and practically any negative descriptive word imaginable. We fill these in a variety of ways: more social activities, endless parties, endless Bible studies, endless TV/Movie watching, endless drinking, drugs, sex and/or sexual perversions....anything that blocks the pain that we are endlessly alone.
When we only think on the fact that we are alone, that no one really gets us, no one understands the pain, our wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend/other family member is unkind, unsupporting, un-whatever, we will never escape that pain.
While I agree that it is possible to feel that pain and NOT be mad at God, sometimes that pain is because we are angry at God for allowing us this unnatural world---forgetting the fact that most of the time, without constant discipline in striving for a relationship with God, we prefer to be our own gods. Gods that ought to be "worshipped" by everything and everyone around us.
On the otherside, not feeling angry at God for the pain...comes bewilderment that He would allow this pain, and the unconscious notion of being a god that ought to have every whim met.
Yes, there are terrible things that do hurt---and they should! They are sometimes warning signs that people or situations are not safe to be around or in, respectively, or diseases that need treatments...but we made the choice to be there in many cases, or someone else made the choice for us to be there, or generations of sin made for the disease ravaging the body.
Yet those scars, red, angry and throbbing though they may be, can be healed with such an amazing salve. If we are willing to release our anger, willing to release our hurt, our saddness, our pity on self, our "god"-ness, and stop clutching those things to us like a beloved blanket, then, and only then, may we be healed of those things.
Until that time, we are pulling the scars open, digging a knife, a hot knife, back through the hurt. We rehash every incident, either through our minds or through verbal contacts. And, while this can be helpful to go through Christian counseling, it eventually needs to be forgiven so that we can stop the knife from peeling back the wound. Some wounds need cleaning in medicine numerous times...but eventually the only way healing can occur is to leave the wound alone with a dressing and undisturbed time to heal.
Our dressing is through the Word, the Spirit, and, oh, the loving arms of our Father...with forgiveness completed, truly completed, then we can freely enter His presence in prayer, worship and study, and feel healing setting in so much deeper than ever before. Holding onto those scars just deepens and widens them, making it difficult to fully concentrate on God...it is hard to concentrate on anything with a fresh wound throbbing. We may have to pray mightily for us to be willing to drop using a knife on those scars...we can begin to get an evil pleasure in pulling up the past, mentally or in conversation.
So let us forgive and forget (although do keep safe---hurts are sometimes warnings.), and move on to a deeper, healing relationship with the King. With time, the knife is taken from our hands, and we quietly heal until the scar is no longer angry, but a soft, thin line. With healing, we can help share God's love, for before we seem ever so hypocritical being in such anger or pity that we cannot show His love to it's fullest extent. Forgive my friends, as soon as possible.