Five Times

Everything is at least five times harder with an illness. Think of the worst cold-flu you've ever had. How hard it was to even answer the phone. Maybe you jus let it ring, declined it, or called the person back later. You wait and wait, counting the days until you finally are better, the day breathing is easier, aches go away. Normal life returns. 
The first hard hit you get with a chronic illness or disabling injury is realizing this is no cold; it will like as not....not get better. 
The next is the fear that life with disabilities will just get worse and worse. That your illness gets worse. Friends and family abandon you. That you can't get the help you need, living alone and dying alone in a badly run nursing home.

I am a pessimistic person by nature. I state .my worst fears as likely coming true as a coping mechanism according to "self help books". More than likely it's just how I view the world for myself. I tend to be optimistic for everyone else---just not myself. 

Yet there is a portion of my thought processing that is very optimistic for my future. I thoroughly believe in my someday entrance into Heaven. I feel, as I mentioned several posts back, that I was blessed enough to see a glimpse once in a dream. For all that glimpse, it is really beyond comprehension to describe in words. No wonder John was told what to write in His Revelation. 
I have not read the Bible much, for all this belief, on the actual topic of Heaven. I believe I am saved, therefore, Paradise will be in store for me. 
My "study" on the Word tends to be whatever jumps out at me while I read it. I admit to not have been a good student lately, using either health, illness or a studying burn out as my pitiful excuse. Yet when I study, there is that incredible thing of having words seemingly sear themselves across my mind as more and more similar descriptions fill up my mental bookshelves. The Word is indeed a living, breathing One, filling us up with life. 

As I said in the opening paragraph, things are five times harder to do with a disability. I thought having depression, agoraphobia, anorexia/bulimia and massive anxiety was tough. This is way worse. 
With all that said, it is easier than ever to devote time to study of scripture (in general), to speak to the sick whatever their age, to have compassion. 
I am pessimistic. Always have been. But that idea, that vision of Paradise, of standing in His presence and feeling no pain---whether mental or physical---is indeed something to look forward to. It is the reward of standing strong, regardless of the falls when we felt we couldn't go on one more day, the reward for picking God over whatever the evil ones throw at us as a temptation to "curse God and die".
Have you ever considered the watching world? It is mentioned we are watched., and my brain is not working to remember the passage. I just think there must be a lot of joy when we continue to pick God regardless of what happens, regardless of what trials are allowed to be in our paths. There must, better yet, be such pride from our Father that we refuse to give up on His great love. Then, at the same time, if we have been one to give up and then return, the prodigal son, what joy and pride is seen then!

The pessimist says this: we need keep "running the race" even if we are paralyzed like Joni Tada. We need keep making the choice to follow God, for He will never let someone down---we might think so at times, but really, if we choose the other option, we will be let down for a very long time, and feel more emptiness than we thought we ever could. We need to remember that we are so loved, so much treasured. We need to remember that, regardless of how "hell-like" our lives might be now, it is a short, not even full, taste of what it would be like to not be around God. Further, and among my favorites, the fullness of Paradise with God at our side (after all, He is everywhere at all times now, just our sin diseases the view), we will not care what happened here. It will be as dust blowing away on a wind, a passing trouble which left no scars. We will have our tears wiped away, given the crowns we deserve, stand and live in a place beyond descriptions....and here that great, wonderful,magnificent voice say what I so long to hear: "Well done, My good and faithful servant!" What a wonderful, incredible commendation. One to indeed "work" for.