That Lasts

Chronic  illness brings on depression the deepest I have had in over ten years. It is not as deep as that time, but perhaps because I am usually just too sick to be depressed. There are times, honestly, when I am so ill I do not know the day, cannot fathom conversation from family unless short, to the point and yes/no answers. The depression stings so very deep. I am depressed by what I  am missing. My own family is growing up, my friends' children are growing,I will likely never have children of my own unless this illness eases somehow. I miss my nursing, I miss living the life I had. It doesn't even seem now, as I near two years of bed- or house-bound status that I ever lived as I did before. I see mementos of three years past, andi feel as though I am reading a book.
Oh, yes. A different, deep, stinging depression. 
And yet I live more than I did then. My studies in nursing school were intense. Books of onion-skin pages four inches thick, larger than any common Bible took up all of my time. Before that, the prerequisite classes. Before that my first career goal. before that, a time of Bible study. A large gap without studying Him at a regular point. Sure, my car rides to and from school were often worship song-filled....but deep study was not super common. There wasnt "time", though certainly one can always find time. 
I digress. I know I live more now than ever by my studies, the inflaming powerful interest and intense fascination about God that wipes anything and everything from my mind---including any and all signs of depression. Psalms 19 is indeed correct on the renewing of the soul and such. without God we are certain to face hell as closely as any of the Way will. If we go our god-let way, we welcome hell into our lives; what is hell but the absence of God? Go ahead, face anorexia alone, face fear alone, face poverty alone. We always think we can manage---as I thi k I can manage my illness and the terror, depression and worry alone. It is such as that which is a bad example to both our fellow believers and the lost. For if we ourselves do not lean on and trust Him, why would anyone else? Is not a story of a believer all the more uplifting and such that turns our walk back towards Him when they obviously show His glowing love in spite of the trials in their path? One of the best witnesses is to be the one who shines in the midst of darkest hours. For only through Him do we have strength, peace, love, joy and wonder that lasts.