Health Update: The Good Samaritan

I went to my eye doctor this last week for a one month's follow up on my OCT scans. This looks at my retina, the blood flow and the depths of the retinal tissue. Pretty cool device, actually. My eye doctor, who knows I am an RN and LOVE all things science-y and geeky, had me sit and look at my own scans. Really cool. Especially if it was someone else's scan.

My eye scan went from having a red triangle of thinning retinal tissue to a yellow area---best being green according to the machine.

It is so hard for me to face these eye things. So far in my little life, most of my nightmares have actually happened. Or are threatening to happen. I was always scared of having a chonic ailment because my sister had one when I was growing up. Evey symptom I have had since childhood has turned out to be a health problem. My inability to run, for example. Most of my childhood I could walk faster than I could run. I would be running for all I was worth, running through mud and waist deep water, and still be easily caught in a game of tag. The only thing I had in a game of tag was the ability to make quick turns--since I was barely moving. Randomly, though, I could actually run fast. I remember being 15 and being such a good runner that we almost went out for a track team at the high school. I remember thinking it was strange I could run so fast.

Then the eye things. When I walk into bright light, I get a moment to several minutes of stabbing pain. This is NOT caused by actual light sensitivity, but it caused by my swollen iris muscle being infiltrated by immune cells. The iris contracts and dilates to deal with light levels. When it does that, being swollen and full of cells that should not belong there, it grates as if sand was in the tissue. Instant pain. I had that rarely as a kid, like every few months. I would walk into the dark bathroom, flip the light on and WHEW! instant flash of pain.

I've had no RA or psoriatic arthritis treatment since the virus outbreak as the rheumatologist wanted people to not treat it if at all possible. So now I am in this holding place of not knowing whether to take treatment or not. Doubting it helps anyway...

It is what it is. I just wish it wasn't happening to me.

I figure I will lose my nursing license now. I just got a new three year license, and I need only 96 hours of "work". The problem is that my volunteer place closed down to the volunteer crowd. At the rate that this lockdown stuff is going, I am not sure I will have enough time when it comes back--if it ever does. It is really hard for me to make it anyway...and I just don't know if it matters anymore. And since I am such an unreliable volunteer anyway, no other place is going to take me. I feel so guilty about being unable to make it to the one place....
I wanted to keep my license so when I got "well" I would be able to go back to home health. Let's just face facts. I don't think I will ever be well enough to work again.

I am tired of trying all day every day, of being told by those who have no idea the non life I have that I should just try harder, of being forgotten by everyone. Of not being alive. Of being offered fake hope by everyone.

One thing is for certain. You learn quickly who will stand by you in illness...and who will abandon you by the side of the road to die. The Good Samaritan always struck me as a strange parable. But people really will leave you by the side of the road....

Maranatha anyway, and I am sorry that I haven't been able to write more uplifting stuff, or much bible study type things. I've been in a pretty dark hole, literally and figuratively for a long while now....and unless my eyes clear up to the point I can study again, I expect to remain in a dark hole. If you think of me at all...ask God to relieve my eyes at least so I can work on this blog as it is supposed to be. Not the darker side of chronic illness, but the lighter side of the darkness of chronic illness with God.