Health Update: So Tired

I have changed my RA updates to just "Health Updates". Generally I have too many conditions going on all at once, which makes it confusing to even me, without confusing everyone else.

My eye condition has been more stable, hovering with 4-6 drops of steroid medications in one eye, and 0-2 in the other. This is a vast improvement with the worst being near 11 drops a day in each eye. One, it is very confusing to work so hard on it, even with a sheet of paper marked up with the number of drops, and two, that many drops is not especially good. There is no choice, with anterior uveitis. If you don't treat it, the white blood cells and the damage the errant immune cells causes will plug up the drainage outlets of the eye, increasing pressure in the eye (glaucoma), which will eventually cause blindness. If there is no treatment, the errant cells themselves can cause enough damage to the eye to cause blindness. The medication can cause glaucoma itself. So I go in about every week (more if I have high drop use) to have my pressures checked. I know my eye dr staff by name, who is married, who is pregnant, who is going on vacation. We are all great pals, by this point. But it is still old. I rarely bother wearing makeup, because I mostly wear eye make up, and with the sunglasses I wear 24/7, no one would see it. Least of all, me. 
My joints have been somewhat worse, and whether this is from the weather settling into fall, or whether it is just the disease I have no idea. I had started Humira, a biologic medicaiton, for the second time, but seemed to swell up worse on it, with my eyes worsening. My rheumatologist's nurse asked me to come in, so I will be going in this week to see what his advice is. 
Personally, I doubt there is a treatment for me that will work. Five years, and numerous medications...if it wasn't for some side meds, I wouldn't be able to walk at all. 
My ulcer is still healing. There is much less pain there than there was, I used to get twinges every day, then every other, weekly, and now it is quite rare, but still there. I haven't looked at the actual measurements of the ulcer, but it is my understanding it is quite large and impressive. 

I just wish it would please God that I would be well. Or more well. While I more well than I was 5 years ago, I still only get about 10 really good days in the year, the sort of day when I can do anything without even repercussions. 3-4 days out of a week, on average, I am too tired and too ill to do anything but sit or lay down, too ill to even read, because I cannot comprehend what I am reading anyway. And if my blog shows anything, I hope it shows that I am the sort of person who wants to go on learning and doing. How much I try and try and try every single day to do something, even if the best I can manage is sit in a well-padded chair with my feet up. I do try, and I hope the reader believes me...because the single worst thing is people NOT believing you. 

I so want to be better, to raise a family. But I can barely take care of myself, much less little ones. I am not sure why God has asked me to hold onto faith through this, for I fear I am not much of a witness to the world, but only a witness to those unseen witnesses:
"1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12 ( NIV )  

I therefore often feel pointless, useless, a time and space waster, because there are so many, so very many, things I wish to do, and I simply cannot. I so desperately want to, yet if I try to push hard enough to reach the goal, I will be so ill by the second or third day of pushing, and will be sick for a very long time, and so dreadfully miserable, that it is not worth the effort. I wish it were. I wish that the nausea and exhaustion were not so bad, that I dared not even open my mouth for the sickness. I hope you believe me, reader, in how many tears and sobs I have uttered over my lack of children, my lack of mobility, my lack of energy, the people who have forgotten me...

Maranatha, over all, maranatha, Lord, please come soon!