Meanwhile, my pain has gone up the last two weeks, my eyes feel worse, and I am running my inflammation fevers, anywhere from my dead normal to 2 degrees above. I get to have the emotional ups and downs of fighting with this company, not getting medication, and the fevers which make me so very moody. I just feel like someone has been standing and lashing me with a whip. I hurt all over, and everything seems so terrible. I could (and often do) start to cry at a moments notice, and wander around with a clean towel to cry into.
The "depths of despair" I may feel from fighting all this stuff, the sorrow of illness and things missed may linger, but I still have the solid feel of God about me. As miserable as I am, I know He is there, having me fulfill my time and duties, such as they are, lending me all strength, peace and support that I might ever need to ask for.
It is honestly beyond description for me to begin to describe how I feel physically, how I feel about nearing 3 years of off and on bed-bound status, difficulty driving or even walking. The emotional word base of the English language is somehow not deep enough to discuss how it feels to be who I now am.
Even so, neither is the English language deep enough to describe what I feel of God. How I see Him now, how much more I feel His love, His presence, His gift to me. The more I study, the more I learn about God through research, the more I find God in the midst of pain and sickness, the more incredible He becomes. The larger a battle is, the bigger God becomes---surpassing that battle with a mass of storm clouds overwhelmingly bigger than the Mt St Helen's eruption. All for one person. Look here, see the battle that is done when we call on God, whatever the reason:
Psalm 18:6-19New International Version (NIV)
6 In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
7 The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.
8 Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.
9 He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.
10 He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.
11 He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.
12 Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
13 The Lord thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.[a]
14 He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy,
with great bolts of lightning he routed them.
15 The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, Lord,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
7 The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.
8 Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.
9 He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.
10 He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.
11 He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.
12 Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
13 The Lord thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.[a]
14 He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy,
with great bolts of lightning he routed them.
15 The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, Lord,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.
he drew me out of deep waters.
17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support.
19 He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me. NIV
God rushes to our aid, though not always in the manner we expect. As I am learning from the language of the past, we are thought of so much more deeply than I had ever seen before. We were given an enormous gift and symbol through the death of Christ. God fought our biggest enemy, Death, to the end. We have no Death before us, because His death destroyed the hold Death had rightfully over us. We have become heirs, true sons of God, loved and remembered.
No battle is fought alone, no matter how we may feel alone. We forever are of the Spirit--God is forever with us. No battle is ever finished alone, He is there fighting as well, lending us strength, wisdom and honor. All we need to do is turn around, seek that help that is ready, willing, and set aside for us, and be willing to do the same when God lays something in our path.
No comments:
Post a Comment